


The Fine Art Of Deception

by asomina



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Anxiety, Blackmail, Crimes & Criminals, Depression, F/M, Murder, Music, News Media, References to Arctic Monkeys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 127,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23620594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asomina/pseuds/asomina
Summary: ❝How about we have a little bet, you and I? You have two months, to make Turner fall in love with you and then break his heart. Or else, everyone will know what you did❞Rue Marsh thinks it's safe enough to say she's done some shitty things in her life. You don't take a life like hers to make friends. But striking a deal with her sinsister boss to break Alex Turner, an ellusive rockstar's heart in order to save her own life? Is low even for her. And she knows it.But everyone has their reasons for keeping their secrets, everyone has someone protect, sadly, Alex Turner isn't someone she's looking out to protect.There's just one problem:❝I don't think there's a single part of me that doesn't despise you, Rue, stay away from me❞
Relationships: Alex Turner (Musician)/Original Female Character(s), Alex Turner (Musician)/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	1. I Knew This Was Going To Start Badly As Soon As I Wore Crocs

  
❝ _And all the weekend rock stars are in the toilet_  
 _Practicing their lines_ ❞

*✭˚

**IT WAS** a weirdly subtle conversation. I almost didn't notice I was being blackmailed.

  
First of all, I wasn't usually used to being confronted by my boss at eleven in a pub, usually he'd wait until work to ruin our lives, but today he made a fucking exception.

I mean my life had already been ruined, by my birth, and I knew it had been difficult. It was difficult, I could admit that, but never outloud. I was struggling, I knew that. But saying that outloud? No that would mean it was real, and I had a little issue with facing the consequences of reality.

When anything went wrong, which seemed to be more often than not, I would just imagine that I wasn't really myself, and this wasn't really my life. I was just a character in a book or a film or a show.

That none of it was real, and if it was, how did it matter? But fuck it. I'd just save it for the fucking memoirs, pull out a small book or something when people asked how my life got so fucked, well...here you see exibite B.

I didn't like it, this whole growing up thing. Well there wasn't many things I disliked about it, just a few that I could fit on the palm of my hand...if I carved or burned the words deep in my skin. I didn't have to, it was engraved in my mind, it would spirall through my body and slip past my tongue as I whispered the ghosts that haunted me outloud.

It wasn't like I was physically abused or had a shortage of clean water or was molested by a family member, so through life I learned not to complain, well not outloud anyway.

"How long have we known each other Rue?" Satan himself asked me, who is also conviently my boss and also runs this hell.

"Long enough to know that you never call me by my name unless you want do summat illegal, or yet another human rights group are trying to sue you" I said, paying for my drink and packing up to get out of here, there was no way I was getting pissed around him, he was the worst than any criminal we've written about, and I mean I would write an article about him, but they say you should never write the devil's name.

"No, I managed to sort out the issue with the femminists last week, we practically own the courts" He said with a sinsister smirk.

"You're a fucking bellend, you know that don't you?" I asked and he grinned as if he was proud of that title.

David was the one person in the world who might as well of been born with a birthmark on his face that read _cunt._ He was litterally what the term bigot wanted to be when they grew up and had won the biggest shit of year awards, (hosted by me amd several other people I work with who have a brain) several years in a row.

He had the entire intolerable package: little man syndrome, fragile masculinity, daddy's rich, votes tory, shops at waitrose, and much more, but I don't want all the trees in the world to die in order to me to lost everything that made him a fucking tyrant.

"To the matter at hand..." He began, ording himself half a pint of concentrated beer as he was a southern softie. "Arctic Monkeys, ever heard of them?"

"Indie band right, from futher down aren't they? Big when I were like seventeen?" I asked.

"Still are, just live in America now, the only thing that I can write about Sheffield" He said, taking a small sip from his drink and I rolled my eyes.

"What about all those articles about Northerners who live off benefits that you fucking destroyed last year...those very real, very poor, very nice people" I said and he waved his hand at me like that was unimportant.

"You're not the one to talk" He said.

"I'm morally ambigious and not morally apathetic" I said and he rolled his eyes. "So what about them?"

"They're coming back down here in a fortnight" He said casually "And I need a journalist, so I'm sending you with then"

"I'm flattered but I booked next week off, for my brother" I said and he gave me a bored expression.

"I think you're missing the part where this is optional" He said and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"There are no strings on me, you fucking cunt" I said and he laughed.

"Oh but there are" He said with a smirk, obviously standing on his toes to make himself look taller. "You see, me and you may not be a close as we..have been, but that doesn't mean I remember what happened..."

"Ok, I get your trying to be all devious and shit with that strained tone, but you're hust sounding constipated" I said, and he rolled his eyes, resting back on his feet.

"What I'm saying is, I'm calling the shots now" He said, deliberately ording shots to try and make himself look like less of a melt, spolier alert: it was unsuccessful.

"This is what you want to abuse that infomation with?" I asked "To go to Sheffield?"

"Not exactly" He mused, still trying to be all mysterious and shit.

"I'm going to pretend that I had something better to do than being here, like I have a life..." I began "So can you hurry up with this, some of us are busy people with lives"

"The front man, Alex Turner..." He began, turning his phone screen around to show me a photo of a lad with hair like Elvis and sunglasses.

"What? Is he someone you want to impress, am I your wing woman?" I asked and he rolled his eyes.

"How about we have a little bet, you and I? You have two months, to make Turner fall in love with you and then break his heart. Or else, everyone will know what you did" He said and may I just add that a pub here is never quiet, so the silence that enveloped around us was intolerable.

"You what?" I asked, wishing that in this moment in my life blinking had some sort of cartoon style sound effect, to really emphasis the awkwardness. "Are you fucking insane?"

"A little, but I know you're going to do it" He said, "Or else, everyone will know about that conversation we had a couple of weeks ago"

Fear wasn't something I was a noob to. I had been scared before, obviously. I felt the way your skin trembles when you blood floods away from you, the air that runs away and your left gasping for life.

But I've never not been able to wake up from the fear, because this wasn't a nightmare, this was real.

It's was like the entire world had stopped moving. Every movement had been frozen in place, through the sombre propeller of fear.

The only breath of life seemed to appear, from the heavy rotation of the clock's hands which penetrated my ears with a sharpened burden, like a boulder falling down a well...never meeting the water.

"Are seriously trying to prostitute me right now?" I asked, my breath falling heavier. "How does this benefit you?"

"I'm not sure if you're aware but we've seem to have a decline in our audience, recently, we're lacking captivating stories" He said.

"Oh so the racist propaganda isn't doing well for the newspaper popularity?" I asked sarcastically and he ignored me.

"They're going to tip me off, I need a story and I figured NME do well with these bands, we'll get millions of fangirls reading that article" He said and I generally felt as if the world was breaking in half.

"Why me? Why don't you get Jordan to do this?" I asked deperately.

"I'm not messing with that sexuality nonsense Rue, and also I have nothing on him, lads an angel" He shrugged and I couldn't help but agree with him there.

"You're fucked, you're not going to win this one" I said. "This is wrong, I've never met the lad and you want me to break his heart? How do you even know I could make him fall in love with me anyway?"

He smirked "From what I've heard, the lad's a helpless romantic, always falls far too deep, you're not exactly hideous, I know you do pretty well"

I rested my head in my hands and groaned, how had my life come to this? "What will you do?"

"Like I said, everyone will know what you did, I'm going to destroy you and you're scum family" He sneared.

"My brother? You expect me just to abandon him?" I asked.

"I expect you'll make a choice, what's more important to you?" He asked and I sighed heavily, before ordering another drink.

"Fine" I said, tipping the glass back and allowing the wisky to burn my throat. "I'll do it, but I'm taking Jordan with me"

"Why?" He asked, knitting his eyebrows together "He's already here isn't he?"

"I don't want him to feel left out" I said and he sighed but agreed anyway.

"And one more thing..." He began, passing me a notebook. "Take this, it's sort of like a diary of some kind, keep track of progress, remember you have two months" He offered his hand out to shake, I hesistated as I clasped my hand in his, before snapping it back, causing him to scream in pain.

"Trust me, I'm going to get you, and I' goig to destroy you as soon as this is all over" I hissed in his ear before grabbing his stupid fucking notebook and walking out of the room.

"What's going on?" Jordan asked, jogging behind me like a lost puppy "I just went to the bathroom for five minutes and you already attacked David"

"Pack your shit, we're going to Sheffield" I said and he grinned.

"Cool"  
  
  
  



	2. I Fucked My Way Into This Mess I'll Fuck My Way Out

  
❝ _If he said help me kill the president_  
 _I'd say he needs medicine_  
 _Sick of screaming let us in_  
 _The wires got the best of him❞_

*✭˚

  
"Well...all I'm going to say that was a little more interesting than my trip to the loo in that time"Jordan said, as we drove down the motoway in the middle of the night, radio on, pissed and incredibly concerned of the future events ready to unfold.

I hummed in response, leaning my head against the window, doodling pictures on the fog that rested on the window. "So what's the plan then? Are we running away?Changing our names? I really feel like the name Owen suits me..." He rambled on.

"I'm going to hell for this, but I have no choice, I'm going to break that lad's heart" I mumbled, letting the cool glass freeze my face, to help me feel something.

"I'm with you Rue...every step of the way" He said, reaching hir arm over to squeaze my shoulder. "But, you do realize that arcticle will destroy you either way, we're going to need a plan, to disappear after that"

"We?" I asked and he smirked.

"You're my other half, Bibi wasn't lying when she said we were inseperable, I don't know how long I'd last without you" He said and I held his hand that rested on my shoulder tightly.

"I love so much" I laughed and he grinned.

"I love you too, so how are we going to do this?" He asked and I sighed, gebtly banging my head against the window before resting my forehead in my hands.

"I don't know, I think we're going to have to sort out Step 1 first..." I began and Jordan nodded, fishing out a pen from the side door.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he pulled the pen lid off with his teeth, suprisingly not choking.

"Writing down these stages, my memory is worse than Dory's" He said seriously "Remember when I forgot about my birthday last year and when I turned up to the surprise party-"

"Point taken, scribble away" I said quickly, not wanting to relive that particular trauma in my life. "I think I'll go for the sarcastic, brutually honest approach...lads seem to lile it when I'm being difficult"

"Yup"He said, drawing weird cartoon images on the palm of his hand, which I doubt he would remember what that meant. "Be smart as well, but like humourous smart, for some reason no one cares about your masters degree"

"What would you say is my tolerable feature? Other than my captivating personality"I said, the latter obviously being sarcastic.

"Your eyes" He said without hesistation and I turned to face him. "They're like really sparkly" He took his hand of the steering wheel and made circles around his eyes. "And bright"

"Ok..." I said "Anything intolerable?"

"Hair" He said, again without hesistation and I hit him softly on his shoulder.

"Fuck off, last week you said you liked it" I said and he shrugged.

"I liked your old hair better, you look maturer now and so much like our shangazi, she made me cry when I was eight"

"I'll make you cry now" I said tickling his sides, causing him to swerve across into another lane. I quickly sat back in my seat. "I won't do that again"

"Could call"He said. "Would you say is my most tolerable feature? I'm still waiting for Anya to call me back and I want to really sell myself to her"

"You sound like you're prostituting yourself...but I'd say, your smile, but anything will work as long as you don't talk about that dumb TV show-"

"Michael deserved better!"He said and I nodded.

"I know, I know, I don't think you'll let me go a day without knowing" I said and he laughed.

"Byy the way, I want you to know, what ever happens down here, what you do, it won't change my opinion of you, you're still the best person in my life" He said.

"You'll always be the best person in my life" I said and he grinned happily, turning the volume louder, as his favourite song came on.

"You're not a terrible person Rue..." He began and I sighed. "If you were, I wouldn't agree to pack my bags in the middle in the night and I agreed to drive you on this spontaenous trip to hell, I wouldn't still be here Rue if you were"

"How did you get into this line of work Jordan?"I asked and he laughed, shaking his head.

"Lengend has it I'm an angel sent down to protect you, rumour has it I'm just a pigment of your imagination, a coping mechanism" He said.

"Whatever it is, I'm going to need you, just like all times, just like all the time" I said.

"I'll take that" He said, pressing his fist against mine.

**ᴬᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵃⁿ ʰᵒᵘʳ ᵒᶠ ˡⁱˢᵗᵉⁿ ᵗᵒ ˡⁱˢᵗᵉⁿⁱⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ᴸⁱᵗᵗˡᵉ ᴹⁱˣ ᵃⁿᵈ ʷⁱˢʰⁱⁿᵍ ᴵ ʷᵃˢ ᵈᵉᵃᶠ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

I rested my hand on the rough paintwork that coaed the door and pushed. Rough wooden splinters cut into my palm; shards of black paint crumbled to the floor. The hinges squealed as though they were echoing the consequences that would unfold with my actions, the pain I would cause. 

"You sure this is it?"I asked, and Jordan nodded, taking his phone out of his pocket.

"Matt Helders was spotted with a fan, about half an hour ago, see in this picture he's resting his arms on the surface like that? I'd say around four pints, they wouldn't have jumped pubs" Jordan said "More importantly, it's the first pub they played in, sentimental value and shit" 

"I'll take your word for it, kaka" I said as we walked into the pub, the laughter seemed to distort the records, and conversationss seemed to swirl in a dirty cloud of smoke, the stagnant stench of cigarettes hiden within the collaboration of the sharp smell of drinks polluted me, like black plumes bellowing from the windows of a burning house. There’s even a hint of sick tainting the fragrance of the room.

I walked towards the bar, with Jordan by myside, if he was any further away I'd be worried, but his pressence was calming. 

"Smirdoff and Chivas mate" I said to the bar attender and he nodded,   
the muted colours of the bottles, the glitter that seemed to attract every spark of light, captivated my attention. 

"Where you from?" He asked as he pushed our drinks towards us. "Further up North?" 

"Haworth" I said, my thoughts still distracted , focusing on a lad resting on the end of the bar, ording four drinks. 

"That's him" Jordan said and I nodded. 

I watched him carefully as I finished my drink, another tall lad came to greet him, the way he spoke to him was fast past and informative. And the way Helders was clearly trying to get rid of him. 

I finished the rest of the drink and adjusted my jacket as I walked up to them, first impressions matter and all. "I hope I'm not interupting anything" I saod lying against the surface of the bar.

"Erm you kind of are" The man said and Matt Helders shook his head at me, he quickly smiled when the man turned to face him. 

"Really, let me guess you're a journalist?" I asked and he nodded. "Casual environment, couldn't risk an opportunity?"

"I was here first, back off" He said and I laughed, pushing his drink to the side so I could advance closer, for intimidation reasons and shit. I really didn't know at this point.

"First of all, this isn't a piece of property...I'm going to say Brad, you look like a Brad, this is a person, and secondly, I'd bet the continuation of humaity that you haven't got permission to be here" I said and his gaze darkened "And if I call your paper now, let me guess NME? Someone would be in a lot of trouble and that someone isn't me".

I took his drink and finished it for him, which I had to stop myself from spitting out instantly as I didn't want to ruin the cinematic effect I had created. God, what was that? Well at least for future reference I knew never to order wine and pure despair in a cup.

The man huffed, removing his bag frok the countet and fucking off to only someone really sad knows where. Matt sighed in relief. "Ta" He said, smiling happily "I thought that I was going to end up saying summat I'd regret and it would get published, I've had a few"

"Don't worry, I could tell that's why I stopped him" I said and he whistled for the bar attenders attention. 

"Hey Dan, I'll have another pint of whatever she ordered earlier" He said and Dan nodded, I shook my head. 

"No, there really is no need..." I began and he rolled his eyes as he paid for the drink. 

"It was the least I could do, you kind of saved me there, how did you do that?" He asked, looking at me like I had some sort of super powers.

"Well by night I'm a superhero" I said and he looked like he genuinely believed me for a moment, oh wait, drinks. "But by day I'm journalist, beofre you throw holy water at me, it only meams I know how to get rid of them, 9/10 they're not where they're supposed to be" 

"Journalist? I think I'll have to keep you around, we need one for our Sheffeild tour and I'll take one with super powers" He said and I grinned whilst taking a sip of my drink. "Who you with?"

I turned around and pointed to Jordan who was currently surrounded by a huge crowd who were cheering for him as he danced to _Take On Me._ "I hope for the benefit of humanity he doesn't find the karoke machine"

Matt laughed. "Boyfriend?" He asked and I shook my head, smiling softly. 

"Friend" I said, laughing as Jordan had partnered up with this eighty-year-old woman. 

"Name's Matt by the way, but I figured you knew that" He said reaching out to shake my hand. 

"Rue" I said and he smiled.

"So was it your intention to try and catch us here?" He asked and I smirked, looking away for a moment. 

"Not here, I was sent by me boss, but I would never approach a client if I was pissed...unless it was like last friday, or the tuesday before that" I said and he laughed again. 

"I like you" He said and I grinned. "I'm keeping you around, if you're up for it"

I put my arms up "Could say I wouldn't be able to walk away" I said, my own words piercibg through my chest like the end of my own danger. "Jordan comes with though, we're a package deal" 

"Done" He said. "The other lads are here, if you want to meet them" I breathed heavily, _time to meet him, the poor lad your going to break._

"Sure" I said, trying to smile whilst internally dying. I let Jordan continue to enjoy himself, he deserved it, and followed Matt towards a booth in the back of the pub. 

"Alright lads, round seven" Matt said as he placed the drinks on the table, revieving a few mumbled cheers and groans. 

"Uhh go on then" One of them, who was using the table as a pillow, said. He looked up from his stange sleeping postion and his eyes met with mine. His eyes were the ocean, full of life yet so uncertain. The blue-green hue carried his emotional currents, and before I could breathe he knew he was drowning in them.But more like falling into the ocean, and looking up into the sky, his eyes were like the stars I'd see in that sky.

"I think I'm way too pissed" He said, his eyes windening with shock. "I've just hallucinated that you pulled a really fit bird"

I rolled my eyes and Matt flicked the back of his head. "Very funny Jamie" He said, and I noted his name down for future reference as... _loved ones of the deceased._

"This is Rue, she's our journalist and she isn't mental" He said and Jamie actually mamaged to pull himself up. 

"Debatable" I said and Matt laughed. 

"She has this magic ability to get rid of other journalists" Matt said and if Jamie had ears on the top of his head they would've perked up in that moment. 

"Really?" He asked and I shrugged. 

"Well I'm a people repelant in general" I said and he laughed, budging up so I could sit next to him. 

"I'm Nick" Another man sitting opposite me said, he had dark shaggy hair and dark eyes, but the beautiful dark, the dark you needed for stars to shine through. 

"And that moody bastard, trying to look all Tumblr and shit by looking out the window is Al" Nick said, nudging the man sitting next to him, he turned to face me, not giving me more than a bored expression. 

But without his sunglasses on, or the protection of being locked behind a phone screen, I couldn't step my gaze from falling into his. 

Everything burned beneath deep pools of dark-cinnamon swirls that seized the depth and heaviness of one thousand untold stories, which were imprisoned in vague absence of words, or in his case song lyrics. 

They consisted of raw emotion, but could never, betray and reveal any thought that crosses the marvels of his ominous mind. Like a crackling fire cascading around the brim of his pupil, the surface of his gaze were dusted grey,scintillated with a mischievous glint that could be noticed next to the umber that rimmed his iris. 

Nevertheless, his eyes possess sorrow that placed a melancholic veil, which cloaked beneath his eyes as dark shadows. And then, all at once, it happened and I found myself internalising every inch of pain that I would have to break of this man, From the surface of the stolen specks in sunlight, to the abyss in the abysmal depths of dusky, auburn.

  
Oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

"Hi, I'm Rue" I said, causing him to frown and ignore me, averting his gaze away from mine.

"Don't take it personally" Jamie said. "He has a history and he really, really hates journalists"

Oh, no that, that was a huge a fucking problem.

"Brilliant" I muttered, holding onto the folk that was left on the table for some reason, trying to stop myself from looking for the nearest toaster.

I was so fucked.  
  
  
  



	3. Crisis Aquired: My Next Victim Hates Me

  
_❝_ _I am a true romantic_   
_Free falling love addict_   
_I am a true romantic_   
_Free falling love addict, yeah❞_

*✭˚

  
"Is it too late to find a time machine or just run away to nepal where we can life the rest of our lives as goats?" I asked as I began pacing up and down the bathroom.

"Let's not jump into anymore strange outbursts and flee the country just yet, let's try to calm down" Jordan said, leaning against the cubicle door, wrapping his arm in toliet paper, trying to make himself look like a mummy or something. I don't know.

"I am calm, I am calm" I said, leaning against the sink, breathing heavily. "I can't even begin to feel remorse for this lad if he despises me anyway, not just me, just my entire status as a journalist"

"You probably would've been safer introducing yourself as a copper, a tory or a fugitive on the run after escaping prison-"

I put my hand up to stop him, "Don't start that Jordan, I get your point, now what are we going to do?"

"Get me in there" Jordan said "I'll get rid of all that journalist stigma by being nice and then bam...you'll also be nice" He attempted to flick the toilet paper that was stuck on his arm off.

"That's not too bad of an idea...everyone loves you" I said.

"Exactly" Suddenly the bathroom door opened and a lass walked in, looking at us in a concerned   
manner. Jordan just waved at her, with a small grin. "Hey, how's it going?"

She ingored him, and gave me a concerned look and I nodded at her to assure her there was no trouble here and she left the room. "I can't believe you just tried to pull a lass in a woman's bathroom"

He laughed. "I followed you in here, because you were on the bridge of a mental breakdown and we were going to need an emergency plan"

"How is any of this going to work if he won't even look at me in the eyes?" I asked and Jordan sighed, sitting next to me on the sink surface's.

"You're just going to have to be a little more insightful" Jordan said "Hey remember when we were at the Mexican border last year and we went behind David's back?"

"I tried to repress that" I said.

"We can do that again...we can outsmart David, but more importantly we can intrigue him, be kind and nice, it's a double act it will only work if you're also nice" He said and I rolled my eyes.

"I can be nice, I just usually choose not to" I said and his looked deepened into a stern glance. "Fine, I won't fuck up, you don't have to be mjinga about it"

"I'm not, come on let's put on a show" He wrapped his arm around me and dragged me out of the building.

Nick was the only one who was soner enough to be concerned or even aware of my disappearance or the fact that I had aqquired a new companion, seemingly from the bathroom. Like some sort of fucked up magic show.

"You alright?" He asked and I nodded, sitting down next to Matt, and technically opposite Jamie who was laying on his back, on the top, mesmorized by the ceiling.

"This is Jordan" I said, "He's with me" Nick nodded and Matt groaned.

"I'm never drinking again" He said and I laughed, passing him a drink of water that I had ordered, because now I was on the top there was really only one rule: stay sober.

"If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history" Jamie said out of the blue, still compeltely focused on the ceiling.

"And if had the power to memorize everything you said after a piss-up and publish it, that would be even more embarassing" Alex Turner said, speaking for the first time this evening, obviously not looking at me or acknowledging my existence, but hey, I counted it as progress, I needed the little things in life, my life was a mess.

"If you did that, the only thing I'd be known for would be an alcholic" Jamie muttered and I laughed.

"We're not always this much of a melt, but if you drink like this in America, you're sent to rehab" Nick said and I laughed.

"Wouldn't be surprised, we interviewed one lass once who was some sort of inspiration for being sober and shit after her deep alcholism of drinking up to four glasses of wine a day" Jordan said, Nick laughed and Matt groaned, only because he almost threw up.

"And if I were to drink four glasses of wine, I'd be the designated driver" I said, earning a few cheers and even, and I'm almost certain I didn't imagine this as I haven't got hallucinations from drinking since I were fourteen, a small laugh from Mr Moody Turner.

If he did, he pretended that he was deep in some sort of fantasy pit of his imagination where he was a good guy I guess. 

"So where are you from?" Nick asked.

"Maltby and she's from Haworth...so technically you're all the South to us" Jordan said and Nick pretended to be incredibly offended.

"Yeah because suddenly it's cold in here and I'll drink four glasses of expensive wine" Nick said, laughing. "Wait, didn't you lot get those riots last year?"

"We don't talk about that" I said quickly but he had already caught Jordan's attention.

"I set fire to a post box" He said, grinning..

"Yes, yes you did" I said "But if the coppers ask...no, no we didn't"

"I bet you lot must have to deal with the coppers all the time, for harassing people and shit" Alex said, still not even looking at us, blowing bubbles with his straw in his wisky, like the chaotic demon he was.

I sighed heavily, calm, calm, _be nice, be nice._ "Well, we all have to make a living some how" I said, trying not to mention that we'd never get in trouble with the police with our jobs as David's dad practically owned the justice system, we'd get beaten by the police just for living in the shit areas we did.

"Oh yeah, I get it, I mean, money's money right? Not matter how many lives you have to ruin to get it" He said, a mellicous smirk slipping through his deciving lips.

"Ahhaha money, yeah, did you guys know I once had a goldfish who tried to jump out of my window because I kept feeding it ice cream?" Jordan asked, laughing nervously, and I bit my tongue, _just breathe, you're calm, you're fucking calm._

"I mean not all of us are rockstars and haven't seen the extreme lenghts people have gone to to survive" I said, practically ripping my lips apart, my nails scorching deep into my palms.

"I'm sure I haven't seen what it's like not to have your family and friends stalked relentlessly by shitty journalist who have no talent to write real news" He said and I sighed heavily.

"Oh yeah, because when our co-workers died in Syria last year just to try and expose the endless suffering from bomb victims that you'll don't care about, that was nothing compared to the consequences of...being a fucking millonaire" I said and his smirk fell, and eyes darkened.

"Oh I'm sorry if I don't have sympathy for those stories that apparently aren't as important to your newspapers as which next celebrity you caused to kill themselves" He said and I looked away from him, the entitlement of his nature setting fire to the gasoline beneath my skin.

"Okay, everyone just calm down here" Matt said, before leaning over to the floor, but luckily, it was a false alarm again.

"Listen here you fucking cunt, we're the disposible journalists who they leave skint, do you think what we write is up to us? We have famillies to look after, or have you been away from here for so long that you've forgotten about what lies in the North?" I hissed and he rolled his eyes, giving me a bored expression.

"Clearly if you didn't spend so much time being selfish, mental pricks then you're famillies wouldn't be in so much trouble that they had to rely on only you, whatever they get they deserve" He said and there was a moment of silence, that even Jamie had seemed to realize that he had crossed the line. There was blood beneath my nails and before I could jumo forward and slit his throat, a drink was already thrown at his face.

Jordan slammed the empty glass back on the table and gave the rockstar a deadly glare before storming out of the pub.

"His eight year old sister died last year, after the riots and my brother is rotting away in a prison cell right now even though he didn't do shit, so I don't know what sort of fucked up world you live in where you think you're right, but trust me, you're on your own in there" I said, grabbing my jacket and running after Jordan.

The darkness outside was calming, it was natural and it was nice seem the inky emptiness on the outside, rather than feeling it contaminate my soul, I liked the cold chill, whenever it threaded beneath my skin, the soft ghosts and clouds that drifted after my breath in a soft whisper.

Jordan was leaning against the wall, the guilt visably eating him alive. He gave me an apologetic look when he so me approach. "I'm sorry" He whispered and I rested my head against his shoulder. "It's just...I didn't expect him to be that much of a dick"

"You don't have to apologise for anything mapenzi" I whispered back, letting my eyes flutter to a close beneath his shirt. "But for what it's worth I don't think he's a dick"

"Really? After what he said?" He asked and I sighed heavily, fiddling with a lose braid of hair.

"It can be difficult I guess, I bet some of his relationships with friends and family have been ruined by the media...but he just has to see the line between the media...and the people who work for them" I said, the night sky captivating my vision, as always, an daydream of luminous stars materialized amongst the ocean of blackness. Some were dull, merely flickering into existence every now and then, but there was an adequate amount of shimmering stars to illuminate the dark, moonless night.

"I guess so, but it's getting harder to feel bad for him" He said and I nodded, lighting a cigarrette from my pocket, the ghost ashes burning away the horrors of my mind.

"I guess the one thing, the one thing that David taugh us is that if you get passed the lies, the outrage, the cover of the headline and the emotion of the text, you'll find the story, the real story. I don't think he's heartless, he's more media ready, I'd say he's been doing this too long like this fame shit came at an early age, before he could let life destroy you a little, to know how the world works" I said, Jordan didn't respond to my wise words, if I do say so myself, instead he just looked passed me.

I turned around, Alex Turner seemed to blend in well with the shadows, he dressed as the night, and if he took his sunglasses off, maybe you'd see the stars in his eyes. Beneath the dark thunder clouds of that nightsky, the smirk, the metaphors, the cynacism, there was someone there. Someone who burned with vibrant hues, a spiralling aurora of oceans and roses, the northen lights beneath the cruel darkness. Someone who I would be able to break.

He leaned against the brick wall, joing us as he lit a cigarrette, really giving me an image that he would be someone who I would have a feud with on Tumblr, if I had that. "Look..." He began, drawing out every letter with the ash that cascaded from the cigarrette. "Apparently, Matt, even though he's pissed beyond recognistion, is being all mither hen on me and wants me to make amends"

I ignored him, finding the empty Wagon wheel wrappers more interesting and so much more sincere than him. "I know I crossed a line, but you'll pretending to be human is unsettling"

"I don't care for your excuses" I said "I draw my own conclusions"

"And they would be...?" He mused, seemingly somewhat entertained by the biogtery that ebbed and flowed around us, like he knew what I was up to almost.

"You're a little out of touch, you didn't exactly grow up in the rough parts of Sheffield, you got famous before you were an adult and the media has been doing your head in ever since, ruining personal relationships" I guessed and he leaned his head against the wall, surprisingly not messing up his stupid-ass quiff.

He chuckled beneath his breath "You've got it all worked out, have you? Doing a little journalism on me already?" He smirked, still lacking the ability to look at me whilst talking to ke. "I'm sorry about your famillies, I'm not that cruel okay? I know about the gangs, I know about the riots, I know all about the shit that happens up there. That doesn't mean I'm going to let your tragic pasts define you as a good person or whatever that I'm going to be besties with you lot, you have a job, I have a job, leave it at that"

"You don't call the shots" I said simply and he actually turned to face me, a little taken back my my words.

"Your job evolves around us, I'm pretty sure your arcticles will be about us, who else would be calling the shots?" I askes and I wanted to spell the words out ' _David the bellend'_ on the wall, but instead I smirked.

"There are no strings on me" I said simply and he scoffed. "You see that night sky up there?" I asked and he looked up. "I'm the darkness, the nothingness that the ash from cigarrettes, a whisper of ghosts in the breeze, reaches for and is engulfed by, the endless abyss which tormented people's minds. A thick dark canvas that burn with melancholy and emptiness. But without that darkness, stars, rockstars are invisible" 

There was a moment of silence, which seemed to make Jordan incredibly uncomfortable, as he didn't know whether to add to that or leave it. "There is no such things as rules and nothing is fair around me...this is my game, and you aren't winning"

"We'll see about that" He challenged with a devious smirk, nicking the cigarrette from between my fingers and placing it between his lips.

"Am I the only one concerned with the hygeine-" Jordan began and we both draw our eyes away from each other.

"Maybe I was wrong..." Alex said, standing up properly "Maybe you're not as boring as I thought you'd be, journalist, head string but no personality...I have a feeling you're a little bit devious, I think you're an interesting challenge, a spirit to crush"

"I'm your worst nightmare" I said, with a smirk. "And I promise you, if there was a spirit within me, it would've been crushed from the sheer weight of reality that you seemed to be so deprived of...that, that is how you crush someone's soul"I said, and I'm telling you if I had a microphone I would've dropped it then and there. 

"Thank you for this amazing opportunity really, it will be lovely working with you" Jordan added quickly, before wrapping his arm around me. "I honestly thimk you are God"

I laughed. "And I'm going to have ti break the heart of the devil...in other words, happy Saturday"

"Happy fucking Saturday" Jordan cheered down the street.

I'm pretty sure, I just made thing a whole lot worse, and I wasn't ahre if that was a good thing or not.


	4. Once Upon A Time...Fuck Fairytales Welcome To Hell & I'm Satan

_Don't let me down_   
_Jump for me_   
_Jump into the light_

I think Alex Turner has a staring problem. 

It was the way he destroys his prey I think, well attempts to. As from experience, I was kind of immune to impending death stares, and let me tell you, mine were much better than his.

Most of the time he would keep his sunglasses on though, so I was being eye-tortured by an MI5 agent, or an assasain, I hadn't made up my mind.

He'd hide behind his sheet music, which I had been nicking and altering slightly just to piss him off in rehersals...Ok, you happy now, I admitted it. And I'd hide behind a load of random arcticles I had printed out, pretending to be taking notes on the oh so important and inspirational event of...the Arctic Monkeys tuning guitars and hitting a drum ever so often. 

But really I was writing in that weird fucking diary David gave me, it was really stupid but I think being death stared at by a pair of sunglasses, and imagining a more intimidating glance beneath it, did wonders for me inspiration scale. 

_Day 1..._

Day 1, day 1, only day 1 of what seemed like a fucking infinity??? Oh this was going to actually kill me. 

  
_So idk, what exactly do you want me to right prickface?A list of all the fun new ways I've come up with to slowly torture you to death? I like that one. Or how about a list of new swear word combinations I've come up with just for you, top tier include: bollocking lego piece, fuckactaor, bellender bent melt and my personal favourite: David, just David._ _Dear diary...nah, only joking._

  
At then it happened, some ich on his forhead or strange sweat pattern...I'm not an expert on these things, caused him to take of his sunglasses, and his eyes to rest on my once more.

Everything was so grey, everything around me was burning ash from some sort of eternal flame that burned deep inside of him. His gaze, his bitten lip, his deep stare. Everything was grey, everything was and everything seemed to be, ashes and smoke blowing in the wind coming from this fire. Everything was just so intense, the remains of a burnt out soul, ash in a dying fire, dusting the room grey.

_Of all the people you had to choose, I know I always said I liked a challenge but I didn't mean for a heart to break. He doesn't like me, he thinks journalists are the devils shit and to ve honest, the more I still work for you and your pathetic story, the more I believe he's right. He's out of touch, fame's corrupt him a little, I think you'll get along with him, you both are narcasstic bigots who have opinions on my family._

_I know he isn't bad, he's in a bad place, I know people. I think, even after everything I've been through, all the shit you brought me through, how I grew up, I still think people are genuinely good. He's hiding something, I bet something personal happened to make him so distrusting, once I get him to open up a little, then I'll have a chance, until then, I guess adios fuckface._

"Hey" Jordan said, popping up behind me and resting his head on my shoulder. "Alright?"

"Barely" I mumbled, lifitbg up the journal slightly so he could see it. I could feel his jaw crease into a grin.

"The diary David gave you..." He laughed before putting a few of my braids of his head and picked up the journal from my hands. "Dear Diary, Alex Turner doesn't like me, not even me sarcastic comments will turn him on, oh what will I do?"

"I don't sound like that...since when have I been from Skeggie ?" I asked laughing at him and he shrugged.

"Heads up we've got new company" Jordan said, surprised that anything was actually going to happen in this, small, dry room, and so was I.

I looked passed Nick and Jamie who were using there guitars as lightsavers or something, pretending to hit each other in slow motion whilst Matt sang the Game of Thrones theme song. A slightly small women walked in, her hair long and dark, often tangled between her long, red nails, her eyes were starry and wonderous beneath the vibrant layers of eyeshadow, her red lip firm and confident.

As soon as her gaze met Turner's she wrapped her arms around him, clinging onto him and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Oh..." I said "Thank fuck there's another woman in here" I sighed in relief, leaning back into my chair.

She seemed to here this and instantly spun in her heel, she smiled at me. "Ayyyyyeee!" She cheered walking towards me. "Fucking finally! I thought I was gonna die alone, stuck in this lads club"

"Tell me about it" I said, placing the book on the floor and standing up. "Rue"

"Kierra" She said shaking my hand and I smiled. She turned to face the Monkeys "Give me five minutes, it's not like you were doing o'wt anyway"

She sat down next to me, handing me a cuppa that Jordan made. "You a Geordie?" I asked and she nodded as she sipped her tea.

"Blyth" She said and Jordan cheered.

"I knew it!" He said, throwing his arms up in the air. "It were either that or I were gonna go with Newcastle"

"You two from further up North?" She asked and I nodded.

"He's Maltby, Rotherham, I'm Haworth, Oxenhope" I said and she nodded, looking a little pleased, I guess she also guessed correctly.

"Aye, you lot as hard as they come then?" She asked laughing "So how long you staying?" I shrugged. _Depends, how long does it takes to break Alex Turner's heart? Do you have like a timeline?_

"Probably just for the Sheffield tour, we'll be dealing with the interviews, media coverage and keeping NME away" I said and she laughed.

"Thank fuck" She said. "That'll take some stress off"

"Yeah, is that because you're his girlfriend or manager?" I asked, taking the teabag out of my cup.

"Manager" She said, leaning back on the chair. "And it's a fucking nightmare, they're lovely and all but by Mercury are they difficult, 'I don't want to use this amp' 'Why can't we go to the pub?' 'Buy I wanted ice cream'"

"You sound like a single mother of four" I observed and she laughed.

"Yeah, you could say that, you can co-parent if you like, we'll get married" She said.

"Sounds like a plan" I grinned and she pressed her mug against mine. "It's been a nightmare for me as well, I mean, it's only been like one day and I think your frontman once to kill me"

She sighed heavily, closing her eyes momentarily before sitting up, turning to face me. "Look I don't want to excuse his behaviour or anything...I'm guessing he's already said some shit things"

"Moderetly"

"But, he's still hurting..." She sighed heavily, hesistant, unsure whether or not to tell me this. "You're pretty calm...but I swear on me mum's life-"

"I'm no grass" I said seriously and she nodded.

"He was a long term relationship, a couple of years, everything was perfect but then...the media harassement got too much for the poor lass, every day, millions of twitter hate, crazy fans, being stalked, judged by frontline tabloids" She explained and with every word, my heart sank further into my stomach.

"They loved each other, so much, but it was destroying her relationships with friendsz her family...she just couldn't destroy her entire life like that, everything she ever knew, ever had, ever worked for, was falling apart" She said. "He was devastated, keeply heart broken, he always falls deep. He's been picking hemself up though, but despises everyone who did this to her"

"I can only imagine...shit" I said, looking down into my drink as if it would somehow harness the ability to send me deep into a black hole in space. "I think, I think I'm going to go..." I mumbled, placing my cup on the floor and walking out the room..

_You're one fucked up human being David._

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵉᵐᵒᵗⁱᵒⁿᵃˡ ᵇʳᵉᵃᵏᵈᵒʷⁿˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

I was conflicted between the idea that I was going to hell and the idea that I'm already in hell, as this was fucking dreadful.

  
I paced up and down the room opposite the practice room, as that was as far as I was able to run away, without be spot through the hallway of...windows, whoever designed this place didn't have introverts in mind. 

It wasn’t real, that was it wasn’t it, the lines between dream and reality were deviating, and I couldn’t calibrate the world’s course, it was only ever real when I dared to look back, and regret caressed my stomach, making me sick.

It isn’t real.

I really hoped it wasn’t.

I picked up that stupid fucking journal and threw it across the room in frustration, screaming internally, as I didn't want to draw any attention to myself.

I picked it up again, ripping at a handfull of blank pages from the back and took out my lighter, setting it on fire before dropping it on the floor, watching it burn as my blood began to cool down. "Stupid fucking David" I groaned in frustration as I stomped my foot on his book. "For making me do this"

Before I could get another agressive kick in I was dragged away from it. "What the fuck are you doing?" Alex hissed at me, holding my shoulders firmly. "Have you lost your fucking mind?"

"Let go of me, nonce" I said and he rolled his eyes, putting his arms up in surrender.

"Of course Matt hired a mentally unsta- oh fook me that's a fire" Alex said, quickly running to the other end of the room, using his jacket to put out the fire.

"You're fucking mental!" He said, when it was safe and put my hands in my pocket, shrugging. I pulled out a cigarrette from my pocket and lit it, just to piss him off and he rolled his eyes.

"I not the one who followed me in here...now that's mental" I said and he knitted his eyebrows together, tilting his head to the side. "The only one who's suicidal enough to follow me is Jordan...but he's immortal"

"And Kierra..." He mused, putting his hands in his jean pockets, leaning against the wall, as if we were both trying to out rank each other over who could give less of a fuck.

I smirked. "She's a wonder, I'd keep her around, I may nick her from you" The ash slipped under my breath and floated towards the lights.

"You stay away from her, you hear me?" His gaze darkened. "She's a good lass, I don't want her life destroyed by your lot"

I felt my nails dig deep into my palms, I steadied my breath. "You still don't fucking get it do you? You think you're the only one suffering here? They destroyed our families, our lives, our friends, it's how they control everything...you have nothing left"

"What family? What friends?" He smirked and I felt my heart sink deep into my chest. "I did my own research...Rue...and apparently, you don't exist"

He stepped closer to me, a smirk ingrained on his face, stealing all the oxygen out of my lungs and suddenly I couldn't breathe. "No social media, no journalist registered and no one registered in the UK, born in Keighley, under the name as Rue Marsh...so who the fuck are you?"

I breathed in heavily. "It's an allias, Rue's a nickname" I explained and he raised his eyebrow.

"Short for what...Ruella?" He asked and I rolled my eyes.

"That sounds like an STD" I said. "My parents gave me a sociopathic name, and I have things to run from...things you wouldn't understand"

He was too close now, his gaze was molten, electric and it crawled up my skin, burried beneath it. He rested his hand on the wall behind me. "I know you're up to no good...you wear it on you, you aren't who you say you are" He whispered and I averted my gaze away from him. He brushed a dark braid out of my face "I'm going to find out exactly who you are, and what the fuck you're up to...I guess this is some sort of warning, you can leave now before I ruin you"

My jaw clenched and I pushed him away from him, and he fell back onto the floor. I walked over and crouched next to him. "I've seen the worst things that haunt this earth...I've done worse, take this as a warning : you .don't. scare me. All this, everything that ever happened here, and ever will...is part of summat, much bigger and much more dangerous than yourself"

I stood up, walking away from him. "And that summat is me, you want to go snooping in my life? Go ahead, but trust me, no words could warn you, just how unpleasant I can be" I slammed the door behind me, storming down the corridor.

_Sorry David, but I think your only arcticle will be on how I murdered this fuckhead._   
  
  
  



	5. Note To Self: Violence Is An Unconstitutional Production Method

❝ _Paint me a wish on a velvet sky_  
 _You demand the answers but don't know why_  
 _In my mind there is no time..._ ❞ 

*✭˚

  
I didn't believe in God.

I believed in people. Because to me, people were the only ones who were capable of creation, change and death. Anything you've ever believed in, ever read, ever loved were all formulated in the minds of people and crafted into your thoughts, simply by how they word things.

Your opinions come from whatever our boss tells us to write, on people, the world, crime, you'll never see the story, the facts, only what we want you to believe. And if some of us were a little more strong minded, had more sense of purpose or you know, bored as fuck, we'd slip in our own opinion in there. And just like that, you are me.

You only see what we want you to see, anything else, you don't want to know about because quite frankly it would scare the fuck out of you. Everyone needs people, to take care of them when this world fucks them over four times under one blink, they'll need someone to tell them everything's going to be well.

Alex Turner didn't seem to believe in anything.

He had no faith people, his friends, and if he had any...his kin. I think that made him paranoid, in such that he'd research all of his employers and blackmail them.

"Nah, I wouldn't worry about o'wt" Matt said, chewing his Wagon Wheel loudly. "At first I thought he were just having a laf or summat, but started becoming a fucking tradition and then I were like ok he's being a melt about it. Don't take it personally, he always tries to scare every one of you lot off"

"Has he been successful?" I asked, stealing a Hobknob from Jamie.

"I guess so" Jamie said. "Top marks for you for not fleeing the county yet, he's not been the kindest"

I scoffed. "Where would I go?" I said, falling back onto the setteee and letting my feet dangle in the air. "Every county in the country is fucked"

"You're very cynical" Nick said and I shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't write about the joys of this world, if I did, I wouldn't have a job" I said throwing half of my biscuit to Nick who caught it in his mouth. He threw his arms in the air and we all cheered as he took a bow.

But of course any happieness that could of been caliberated in anything I ever lived through, he walked in, a fucking stormcloud to, well everything and nothing at the same time.

"You set the smoke alarms off, fire bragade got noted because it's a big building, fine for false alarm, you got a name for where the bill's going?" Alex asked, resting his...I want to say, Iphone 4? On his shoulder, waiting for an answer.

"David Smith, has an adress in Derby" I said, walking towards him and taling the phone off him. If David was going to fuck with my life, I was still going to fight back.

"'Right, so..." Kierra said, clapping her hands together and captivating everyone's attention. "Tommorow morning you 'orrible lot have got yerselves some interviews with Rue and Jordan, but for the time being we've got some rehersals, and yes you can go for lunch, I'm aware it's nice out"

This earned her a loud cheer and a round of applause. "But..." She said, trying not to laugh as Matt attempted to whistle with his fingers, badly. "You've got to earn it, I want you ready to start recording come Thursday"

"Booo" Nick said, throwing a handful of crisps to the floor. After several protests, awful tuning and technological difficulties, mainly from Alex, they seemed to be ready to play.

Music fills the air without effort, like the waves filling holes in beach sand; the sound rushing in and around every person in the room. 

The opening riff flooded through my eardrums, soothing under my skin...spiralling in a exotic trance, laced with a molten aura melting through the ice in my bloodstream...leavimg traces of electricty as it did so. And then his words joined it, drifting through me.

_The cracks in blackout blinds_   
_Cast patterns on the ceiling but you're feeling fine_   
_I thought it was dark outside_   
_I thought it was dark outside_

I'm not always drawn to the melodies but the moreso, the words people say.

I didn't fall for what people said, but mainly the way they say it. I knew how words worked, how people manipulated them. But Alex Turner's words fell differently when he sang, it was like everything that ever was, ever will be, crafted themselves from his heart, slipping past his lips into his words.

_The mixture hits you hard_   
_Don't get that sinking feeling, don't fall apart_   
_Some out of tune guitar_   
_Soundtrack to disaster_

I never believe words meant anything when spoken, words always felt better written down. In lyrics, in poetry, in books.

Because when you speak, you can make mistakes and sometimes people can't hear you. But when you write them down, only those who you want to, can see see who you are and how you feel.

_Dear David,_ m _aybe he'll at least write some good music out of it later. Maybe I'm doing him a favour...I think I'm high._

  
Nick seemed to play his bass and sing in a way that managed to form a whole knew genre of music altogether: Erotic Rock. Which tragically I wouldn't be able to publish in the arcticle, which I totally have started and aren't planninh on leaving until last minute.

Jamie had seemed to form a strange habit of dancing around a little as he played difficult notes, put I thino that has something to do with the excessive amount of ghost cookies he has eaten prior.

The next time I checked the clock, it was nine, nine! I had been here for hours, and the only eventful thing that had happened was food...a small fire, someone attempting to blackmail me by stalking my past as some sort of ritual and music being a temporary turn on.

It was at that point that I realized I had been a whole eight hours without something toxic in my bloodstream and realized that meant I wasn't participating in the only aspect of my personality and sense of routine: alocholism.

"Oi, Jordan" I said packing my stuff back in my bag and nicking Matt's Jamie Dodgers. "I'm off, your turn to fill in" He nodded, pulling his hood up and letting his braids fall loose and putting a pair of sunglasses on, hiding his face behind a book. You'd be surprised at how many times we've pulled that one off.

**ᵀᵒᵒ ᵖⁱˢˢᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ʳᵉᵐᵉᵐᵇᵉʳ ʰᵒʷ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"You look shit" Dan the bar attender noted, passing me a bottle of wisky. "What fucked you up?"

"Life" I mumbled, allowing the alcohol to burn my throat. Oh to be Scottish and be able to drink like this all the time. "What about you, manage to find your phone in the end?"

"Yeah it was in me pocket, I had already bought a new one" He said, passing a pint to the lad next to me. "But I'm serious though, someone's done you up nicely" 

"Don't worry about it" I said, slipping him an extra fiver. He nodded and went to serve a couple of blokes on the otherside of the bar. I checked my phone, scrolling through boring Instagram feeds, some of mt old school mates were married and had kids, ha, imagine having your life together...gross.

"You look shit" The devil said and I froze. I think that every time Alex Turner made an entrance there should be a loud symbol crash, or some other horror film sound effects...to really grasp that effect I was feeling right now. 

"Trust me, I feel a lot worse now that you're here" I said, putting my phone in my pocket and standing up. He held my arm firmly to stop me, sitting down the stool next to me, turning me slightpy so he could face me.

  
"I mean really...how the fuck did you do that? You were fine when you ran off and Jordan pretended to be you" He said and I bit my tongue, shit, I guess his brilliant detective skills were going to be a problem. He gestured to my face, that stung and burned every so slightly but I had ignored it up to now.

I took my phone out of my pocket and unleashed the sheer horror that was the front camera to see there was infact and big bruise under my cheek and my eye was darkened. "Some muppet paid the bouncer out front to smash me head in"

"Very funny" He said cynically, taking a sip from the pint that Dan passed him. "I'm being serious, did Jordan do that?"

"What? Are you mental? Of course not?!" I said, unsure whether or not I should be calling 111 for instant medical assitance.

"I'm not being unreasonable, he threw a drink at me" He said and I rolled my eyes.

"You deserved it" I said and he mocked the same expression I pulled, terribly. "And no, I'm serious, it wasn't him, fuck off"

"Why won't you just give me an answer, I meed an excuse to get rid of you, paid dismismal could be a good answer for the both of us" He suggested and I rolled my eyes.

"I said fuck off" That didn't seem to effect him whatsoever.

"I don't care if you're a famous kid or what" Dan said, returning. "Don't harass people, she said fuck off, so fuck off" Alex out his arms up in surrender but walked off anyway.

"Thanks Dan, I appreciate it but I can look after myself" I said "Really isn't that much of a deal"

"I usually try and prevent trouble well in advance" He said and I nodded.

"Ta, I guess" I said and he smiled before crouching down to pick some cans out of the fridge.

"So who did that to you, it wasn't that Turner bloke was it?" He asked and I shook my head.

"No, someone paid bouncer out front to smash me head in" I said and his eyes widened, and he didn't look as though that was mental like Alex did.

"Who?" He asked and I sighed.

"Someone who's trying to make an intimidating presence but is...handy caped at the moment" I said and as on cue, the sounds of children crying, people screaming in agony, gunfire...I' joking obviously but that's what imagined to play when ever _he_ entered.

"So, did you get my message?" David said and I turned to face him, raising my eyebrow. Dan looked between us, then back on me, a bit confused, I guess hy the fact that _this_ was the bloke who was fucking with me.

"I'll have Smirdoff, he'll have a fruit shoot" I said to Dan who smirked, my words instantly causing Satan frown, clearly still as fragile as ever.

"How are getting on?" He asked, leaning against the bar, stepping on the stool so he could be taller than me. His broken arm in a sling.

"I'm working on it" My gaze wondering over to Turner's who was talking to some other lad. "You don't need to check up on me, or you know pay people to fuck me over because you're too weak"

He laughed "I have you to thank for that" He said. "And I want to make myself clear, I know you, I wanted to make sure you weren't planning anything, a way out of this...so I've been making some arangements" His voice louder.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm doing what you said, that means you stay the fuck away" I said standing up, to tower over him. His grin only grew and I wanted to punch him there and then.

"I don't think you understand what's going on here, I call the shots now" He said and I felt my nails burn my palms. _Stay calm, stay calm, it's only David._

I averted my gaze once more, my eyes captured by Turner's, who's smile fell into a firm glance. I turned back to David "Just leave me the fuck alone"

"Can't do that, but maybe if you say please" He teased, leaning closer. From some sort of mental side effect of the alcohol, Turner returned, more pissed at David than at me for a reason.

"Fancy moving on mate?" He asked David, who only laughed and I felt my chest burn.

"Nah, fuck off, this has nothing to do with you" He said and I had to stop myself from correcting him. "I'm her boss"

"This doesn't look like a work place setting" Alex said and I rolled my eyes, he really didn'y know how things worked.

"Turner..." I said "I can deal with this" He ignored me, because yet again I foubd myself in the mits of something that I was just an excuse for, they didn't care what I wanted.

"I'm the one who's paying her, so I'd watch what you say" David said, trying to sound assetive but came across as high pitched instead.

"Last time I checked, she were our client, hired by Matthew Helders, she may work with you, but without us she has no story, so how about you watch what you say?" He suggested and I wanted to somehow aqquire the ability to spontaneously combust. They really didn't need me here to argue.

"Well how about-"

"Ok, well this is officially fucking boring" I said standing up, raising my finger before anyone could protest. "Turner you're really undermining my presence at the moment, maybe I'd appreciate the gesture if I didn't hold a reputation of being able to destroy people with minimal sentences" I pushed him back slightly, holding onto his arm, getting ready to move get the fuck away from Satan.

"Like I said Rue," David said, still a little amused by this whole situation. "How 'bout I give a little visit to Tommy, or that lad of yours?"

"David, you stay the fuck away from them, you here me? Don't even fucking breathe near them...unless you want me to break your other arm" I said, dragging Alex away with me, leaving David to pay for the drinks.

It was cold outside and eventually, all the heat that burned inside of me, began to fade away. "That's insane, you fucking broke your boss's arm"

I gave him a bored expression as we continued to walk down the street. "He got back at me, paid a bouncer outside to fuck up me face" I said and he placed his hands in his leather jacket, which wouldn't be doing much to help for his body temperature, but good for his aesthetic I guess.

"Shit, I thought you were joking about that" He said and I rolled my eyes, looking up at the empty roads ahead, knowing very well I shouldn't be walking home after I've had a few. "So where you staying?"

"Some hotel" I said and he nodded. "Don't worry I'm not going to break your arm"

He didn't even blink at that, instead deciding whatever he was thinking was more important. "I don't get you"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, and he offered me a cigarrette, which I declined, as whatever he smoked, must have some impact on his low IQ.

"You're never telling the truth, but at the same time, you always look like you're planning summat" He said, and I couldn't even look at him. "Do you always take your passports with you to band tours?"

"I'm not sure what you're trying to imply" I said, and he lit his cigarrette, the ash cascading upwards into the nightsky.

"I'm scared of you. I may be out of touch but I know most people don't have violent relationships with their employers and have people who are threatened by them" He said, exhaling , contamintating the nightsky with the ghost ashes. "I'm guessing Tommy's your brother, you have a lad?"

I bit down on my tongue. "That's none of your buisness, I'm not planning anything. I know you only want to know so you can use it against me"

"I'm not heartless" He said "I'm just curious"

"Just take your curiousity elsewhere, if you're going to believe anything I say, believe that no good can come from knowing me" I said and he froze in his tracks, turning to face me.

"Is that a threat?" He asked and I shook my head.

"Do you think you could postpone your gigs and play in Birgmingham instead?" I asked and if he wasn't highly concerned by my behaviour before, he certainly was now.

He shook his head. "Like I said, I don't get you. I can't tell if you're threatening me or trying to get me to run from danger"

I sighed, looking up to the sky, a common canvas that seemed to always settle over the both of us. It was although we could never speak in the light, only beneath the stars. "You have every reason to hate the media, but what you've seen the pain you've experienced...trust me, it's only the beginning. You don't what to know what they'll do to you if they get the chance"

"If it'll help me find out who you are and what you want, I think I'll stick around to find out" He said and in that moment, I felt his heart shatter from the distance, the seal, confirmation.

"Don't say I didn't try to warn you..." I muttered

 _Even after everything you know, everything that's on the line, you still tried to help him._ Why is he trying to make this even more difficult than it already is.

Everyone knows the harder it is too fall, the deeper you fall.


	6. The Triumphs & Defeats Of Trying Not To Cry On A Bus Whilst Pissed

❝I'm a dragon, you're a whore  
Don't even know what you're good for  
Mimicking me is a fucking bore to.❞   
  
  


  
There were many of me.

That's what Alex Turner didn't get when he went on his little Poriot episode. He was looking for Rue, the problem was, I was still figuring out who exactly Rue was, and what she wanted. If I didn't know, he didn't stand a chance.

People are subjective, that's what most people fail to calibrate in their minds. You are who you are, but you are who they are and what people see you as. I took the upper hand in mind games, maybe that who I was. The thing is, people only ever see what they want to see, you are the image they need of you, the hate in their minds, the need of jealousy, the need of lust.

But, if you can assainate the crossroads, and ingrain the rules of the mind in your own favour. You are, only, and ever will be, what you want people to see. The world is only what I want to see. The story, this story you're reading is only what I want you to believe. I'm not exactly a reliable narrator. I was subjective.

To my younger sister, I was rouge

I was an infinite mind set of not giving two fucks, I did whatever I wanted, and I never seemed to get in trouble. The idea of consequences being a force of dark matter that only seemed to claw and burn everyone else, was a letterboard quote for the young. Heroic on the streets of poverty and police brutality.

To my enemies I was reckless.

A haunting serenade, like in horror films, when the frequency of the broken record is too low to hear, but you feel it anyway. An infinite pit of anxiety, that scraped through you like nails on a chalkboard. An untamable mess, that they bever get rid of, never leaves their mind. Redefining sin with every action taken.

To my parents I was the incarnation of the their regrets.

The idea of someone or something breaking a puzzle, a reminder of their failure. When they fell, I fell, and the only one who crashed to the ground was my brother, well straight into a prison cell. The rest of us were branded in ukiyo.

"I did my own research you know" I said to Alex and he hummed in response as we got onto the bus. It was pretty empty at the moment, as most sane people called a taxi when they were pissed. But me and Turner both silently agreed that we didn't want to be in that much if a confined space together.

"Was it evalutating and figuring out how to get you to stop talking? I've been trying to figure that out ever since you arrived, you're doing me head in" He complained and I rolled my eyes, his comebacks and sarcastic remarks were low, about a two on the Dark Humour Scale that I had established in my head over the years.

"You went all You, in my life, so I did the same" I explained getting my phone out and he didn't seem to get that reference. "Turns out you don't exist either, always changing your idenity" I scrolled through Google images, showing him pictures of himself from 2005, 2008 and 2010. He wasn't amused to say the least.

"Very funny" He mumbled. In case you were wondering, I was trying to figure out a way to get onto his side, which I never really did, usually I stuck with people who I got along with, I wasn't one to change people's personality.

"Who are you, who are you running from?" I mimicked and he rolled his eyes.

"I'm not going to ask what you're doing with your voice" He pointed out. "How long have I been from some mutated version of the South?"

"You tell me" I said "Bradford's like the North of the North, so to me you're pracitcally south"

He gasped dramatically. "How dare you" He said and I smirked. "That is probably the meaniest thing you've ever said"

"Dear Diary..." I mimicked his voice again, getting David's journal out and pretending to write in it. "Rue's so mean, I don't know why she doesn't enjoy my sociopathic remarks"

"What are you doing with your head?" He laughed, trying to stop me by holding my shoulders firmly. "Wait, I don't do that when I speak do I?" I just raised my eyebrow in response and he frowned.

"We do you keep a diary anyway?" He asked trying to nick it from me and I instantly hit his hand with it.

"It's not a diary, it's a notebook, a blackmail book of all the ibcriminating infomation I've been keeping of you" I said and he leaned back in his seat, staring at me again with that curious glance. That curiousity was going to get too heavy for him to hold and eventually, crush him.

"I wasn't the only one who's been changing their identity" He said and I knitted my eyebrows together "I asked Jordan and he showed me pictures of your old hairstyles"

I groaned "Oh please no, he's just being petty he hates me new hair because it reminds him of his aunt" I said and Turner smirked, turning his phone on which was Jesus's second miracle.

"You used to have bangs" He said, showing a picture on his phone that he took from Jordan's phone, I quickly took his phone from him, deleting the photo.

"Another image of humanity's greatesr mistakes" I said as I passed him his phone back. "I had bangs for like a day, so careful"

"What's your hair normally like?" He asked and I gave him a confused look.

"Why do you want to kn-oh wait to find out all the horrors of my past to blackmail me with to make me go away" I said and he nodded, smiling. "It's big" I gestured with my hands.

"What's your real name?" He asked and I shot him a stern glare.

"You will never know" I said and he frowned, genuienly disappointed. "I'm not helping you with your personal mission to ruin me life"

"You wanna know what I think?" He asked.

"No" I said cynically, to which he just ignored, because as you know, people only ecer ask you questions so they can tell you their opinion.

"I think you spent all your life running from summat" He said and I suddenly felt he alochol in my stomach, very promently. "You hide yourself, you real self from everyone, because of what you do. You're scared that if you tell people, you'll lose the only form of identity you have"

I scoffed "Wow, I'm sorry that you didn't feature in my coming out film" I said and he rolled his eyes.

"What I mean is, all this can't be good for you" He said "Do you even know the people who wrote those arcticles about..." He trailed off, releazing the influence of alochol, was making him sound more humain.

"You should know that there isn't a journalist group chat where we all trade stories of the lives we've ruined" I said as we tried to walk as normal as possible off the bus. "People do what they have to do to get paid, it's nothing personal"

"What have you done?" He asked and I froze, turning to face him. "Who's lives did you ruin with your writing?"

A small smile managed to slip through and I looked down, at the floor momentarily. "I don't really write about bands, David's usually scared of me so he sends me off to conflict and dangerous zones in a hope that I won't make it back alive"

Alex frowned. "Then what changed? Why are you here?" He asked and in that moment I wanted to rip my fucking tongue out with my teeth, _shit, shit, shit._ At this point in my life, I'm pretty sure someone could make a conpliation of all my fuck ups, just from the shit that happened this weekm

I took a deep breath "My brother, I promised I'd stay here, help him, I mean it's the least I could do since..." I trailed off, not giving him the satisfaction that he craved of incriminating infomation.

"In Haworth though right? We're about an hour away from Bradford" He said, alochol clearly not concealing his ability to be an irritable little fuck.

"You ask too many questions" I said, as we continued to walk down the street to the hotel that me and Jordan were staying at. "And I'm the journalist, I haven't go o'wt on you"

"The only way you'll get an interview out of me, that won't get you fired is if you tell me your real name" He said, with a smirk and I tried not to laugh at his confidence.

"Not even Jordan knows, he doesn't agree with blasphemy" I said and his smirk only grew. "You don't call the shots Turner, that's not how life works, really"

"You could take a weekend off, you know" He said as we walked into the small lobby, oh shitty cheap hotels, how we love you. "Kierra would still pay you, you don't have to always be here, could visit that family your always on about"

I rolled my eyes, alcohol or not, he was terrible at actually being subtle, he could do lyric wise, but not interaction with real people. "Touching" I said "I'm starting to get the feeling that your some sort of curse that was sent up here to make me life miserable, and you have no family?"

"I have a family, I just would never bring them into any of this, wouldn't let you lot fuck them over" He said and before I could make a petty comment about that remark, a strange mind set fell over me.

"You do know that none of them are who you see them as" I said and he knitted his eyebrows together. "You only see what you want to see, were you see evil, I see desperation, how many people would you hurt for the people you cared about? You are were you are because of us, because of the people who saw you as good enough to give a shot. News feeds the people, the fans who feed you. Everything gets out of hand, extreme anything isn't good and I'm not defending the pain, I'm explaining it"

"All you do is lie, make pressumptions and don't stop until you prove your own biases" He said and I sighed.

"Collectively? You're the one who makes pressumptions, you don't know who you hate. You'll never meet the people you really hate, the media and neither will I. I'm not a monster Turner, no mattet how much you want me to be" I said and he frowned, geneuinely disapppinted.

To Alex Turner I was wonderwall.

When I made fun if him and asked him if that meant he was constantly thinking of me, he said no, because he could only communicate with music. He struggled to speak without lyrics. _Wonderwall_ he said. _Something that used to fill you with fire and wonder, broken and destroys your spirit from being over played and ruined by obesessive people._

It seemed that was more applied to the media as a whole and what it did to him and his dream. The lines, the difference between me and the media blurred for him, I was them, and they were me. _I constantly find myself thinking about you_ he'd say _About everything I regret, what I could've had if I left it all alone, if the music was just mine._

 _Everything has it's consequences._ I'd say, what I always said, when you didn't understand why life fucked you over and back again. _And everything happens for a reason, so let the consequences be the reason._

"Like I said" Alex said, placing his hands in his pockets. "I don't get you, you have a job to do, just that, why do you keep trying to change my mind?"

"I don't get you" I challenged him and he looked up at me, maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was the hour, like I said, we only spoke under the influence of stars and cigarrettes. But that look he gave me, that there, I could only tell you it was something that haunted me for enternity, it was although he couldn't understand why anyone would want to, would try to understand who he was.

"You try to avoid anything that could hurt you, hold onto your hurt so it never falls again, away with the media, away with emotions" I said, waving my arm along with my words. "But you couldn't leave someone alone, when you saw them in trouble, even if you hate them. Fuck you were even worried about me breaking David's arm"

"What are you trying to say?" He askd, his voice cracking ever so slightly but he cleared his throat, neither of us would remember it come morning.

"You're not what you want everyone to see you as" I explained and his lower lip curled. "You just need to-fuck" My eyes fell onto a mightmare of the other end of the room.

"What?" He asked looking around him, I pushed passed him, running after, what I was always running to, running from, running with.

Eventually we both stopped running, just us alone, the way it always seemed to be, us against the world. "Michael..." I said. His eyes melted into golden rays, circling an eclipse when his eyes met mine, as if they were under the sun. When the later hours approach, he was always a sunset of his own.

"Rue" He said and I instantly wrapped my arms around him, holding him tightly.

"What are you doing here? I thought David got to you, I thought..." I rambled when I let go of his embrace, he held onto my head, pressing his forehead against mine.

"Jordan called me" He explained "I thought summat was wrong, I was worried, he just asked me to help you two disappear-"

"No" I said shaking my head "Michael, you need to go back home now, I'm not bringing you into this, not now, not ever"

"I love you" He said, cupping his hands in mine. "If summat is destroying you, I would never walk away"

"I love you, Michael, that's why you need to run" I said "You deserve to know why, but you need to lay low for a while"

"Ru-"

"No, please" I said, cupping his cheeks firmly, so his eyes were fall in mine. "I can't lose you, not you too"

He hesistated for a moment. "Rue, I know we were never...I know, we never knew, but what am I supposed to believe right now? Why won't you tell me?"

I held onto his hands that were clasped in mine, pressing soft kisses on them. "I care about you, David's making me fuck everything up for you, if he gets to you, everything I'm about to do, to protect you, will all be for nothing"

"Let me help" He pleaded, "Please"

I bit my lip nervously "Go to my brother, make sure he'a ok, lay low, it's the best thing you could do for me, until all of this blows over than we can all disappear"He nodded , kissing my cheek softly, letting go of my hand reluctantly as he disappeared around the corner.

The corner that Alex was standing in, watching me with a strange glance in his eyes. _Oh shit, oh shit, shit, shit, shit. How much of that had he heard? I was so fucked!_

And then, maybe to you, dear reader, I was your reflection.


	7. 50 Shades Of Second Hand Embarassement Ft: Wii Music

_❝But you lift me higher_   
_Out of the fire_   
_Out of the flames_   
_I lost the feeling_   
_But you give me meaning again❞_

*✭

If looks could kill.

If looks could kill he would’ve killed me long ago, that’s probably why I was grateful no one had superpowers in this world, I’d know for fact that I would be dead.

"And so...." He began "The plot thickens" I felt my feet recede my body, back until my back touched the wall.

The one time actually listened to someone, they told me that fear is more than 'fight, flight and freeze'. People experience fear in different ways. Fear is subjective. _If looks could kill._

I guess if I ever saw that person again, or for some reason they were doing some weird narration of my life, they'd say that my fear was consistant. That for a mind that was always looking, always planning, always _thinking,_ always searching for a _way out._

Because when I was scared, I wanted to escape. Always get out, run away from everything that ever hurts, so you'll always feel nothing, and never risk feeling something...something that'll break you. My mind solves problems before they occur, the only way to survive this life I put myself in. 

"Like I said, your social interactions, don't always seem typical" He said, placing his hands in his pockets and advancing towards me, and like some sort of forces act, I'd fall further backwards with every step he took. "You're desperate, worried even"

"You're reading way too much into things" I said, my head tilting to the side, knowing the nearest exit was the stair case to my left. 

"Am I?" He pressed, and then he was barely a breath away, no escape, his hand resting against the wall behind me. The wall I was hoping would magically teleport me elsewhere. "What is it that David's sent you here for? What's so terrible, that you're risking everything and planning on running away" 

I scowled at him, restraining the anger than boiled through my blood. "Nothing that concerns you" I lied and he chuckled. 

"Yet everything I ever do seems to concern you lot" He mused, smirking "So let the tables turn slightly...'Rue spotted with mysterious man' so tell me...who is Michael exactly?" 

"I don't want you to ever mention his name" I snapped firmly and he let go of the wall, clearly taken back. "And as far as you're concerned, he doesn't exist, not anymore" _If looks could kill, oh how I wished, that they would._

"Like you?" He suggested and this time, his smirked mirrored mine. "Is he your boyfriend?"

"Not exactly" I said, pushing his arm away and began walking away from him.

"What's that suppose to mean?" He asked following behind me, I couldn't help but let the a small smile to slip through. 

"It means, any answer would be problematic for the both of us" I said turning to face him. "No one ever got anywhere with ambigouity" 

He raised his eyebrow "Lyrics? No one really gets mine" 

"And look where that got you" I said, gesturing my arms and spinning on my heel. "Spending all your time and effort, trying to solve a puzzle that was broken long ago. Let it be Turner, there are some thing that are simply much bigger than you and therefore out of your control" 

"Trying to give me a heads up?" He suggested and I laughed softly. 

"More of a reality check, you're spiralling. This is a game, we're all players, there are no rules and no winners. But if you make the game your own you can do whatever you want, stop trying to win at a game you can't even play" I said, the slight humour in my voice not doing much about the sombre tone potrayed by my words. 

"You're saying I should just give up?" He asked, as though he was interested in this topic. 

I shook my head "What's the fun in that? If you can't win in a game...you cheat. The game's impossible, if you real want to beat the media you have to piss them off, you need to outsmart them a sort of divine move, summat that's never been done before" 

He walked closer to me "You seem to be an expert in fucking the only thing that pays the bills" I smiled, placing my hands in my jacket pockets. 

"If I'm always going to have to play their game, I play it my way and you should to" I suggested and he frowned, hesitating momentarily. "No more moody remarks, no more hiding, you've been gone for a while, but you're from the North, we never play by the rules" 

"I don't know whether to be impressed or terrified of you" He said and I laughed, an actual laugh, from something he said. 

"Most people live with doing both" I said and for a moment, he smiled, but that moment ended and neither of us acted like it happened. 

"So what do you suggest?" He asked. 

"Cameras are always the easiest" I said taking a mirror shard out of my pocket, it was slightly clouded, but I always carried, you know...the streets are a nightmare. "If sun's out, just use the beauty of physics to distort the lightning, picture won't show o'wt with bright lights" I passed him the shard and he inspected it, curiously. 

"That's actually.... kind of brilliant" He said reluctantly and I laughed again. 

"How much did it pain you to say that?" I asked and he groaned, tilting back on his heel slightly. 

"So much so that I'm going to drink away the memory of saying it" He said. "And I can't believe I'm going to say this...but what else have you got in that head of yours?"

"Ukiyo, genius and intrusive thoughts" I said "But trust me the best way to shoot them out of your private life is to attract them to summat else, disraction after distraction, works every time" 

He thought for a moment, pacing from side to side, momentarily, a little hesistant but I really didn't blame him. "What have you got for me?" He asked reluctantly, sighing. 

"Simple, you comply enough for me be able to do my job, to please the fans, the people who make you who you are. And then I help you fight back, everything that ever hurt you will finally fall back" I said, with a small smirk. His eyes sparkled slightly, under the bright lights in the room and the prospect of justice. 

"Just to clarify..." He began walking closer to me "I still despise you and everything you profit off..." He statd and I nodded, humming. "This is strictly professional" I nodded again. 

"You stay out of my life and I'll keep everyone out of yours, who knows by the end of all it, maybe we'll both win" I said, offering out my hand. 

"I'll take that" He said shaking my hand. "Why are your hands so cold?" He instantly let go.

"Yours are strangely warm, that's gross" I said, wiping my hand on my shirt and he pretended to be offended. 

"Well, I guess see you in a bit" He said, giving me a small smile. It was strange accurance, him smiling, the corners of his eyes lustered happiness in soft twinkles, which reflected the light that made his eyes copper against caramel. Likewise, his eyes glazed wit pure blissfulness, which glistered inside the darkness, circumscribed by eye-lined lashes.

"Maybe" I said. 

_If looks could kill_

**ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ˢʸᵐᵖᵗᵒᵐˢ ᵒᶠ ᵃ ˢᵒᶜⁱᵒᵖᵃᵗʰⁱᶜ ⁿᵃᵗᵘʳᵉ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"You, yes you, are in so much trouble right now!" I said pointing at Jordan as I approached him, he put his hands up in surrender. 

"I have no idea what you're talking-" He said 

"Michael" I said, folding my arms. 

"Oh, that, yeah that was me" He said and I attacked him with my pillow, tackling him onto his bed. "Ow" He complained. 

"What the fuck were you thinking?" I asked as he dodged the pillow stabs, laughing, as this was apparently amusing to him. "You could've got him killed...or worse, he could've been stopped by David" 

He captured my hands, flipping us over and pinning my hands down, soflty. "Calm down, all I was thinking about what happens after...that's what we agreed, fucking everything is only the beginning, escaping is the next. And as much as you hate to admit it, you need Michael, you'd never leave without him"

I sighed heavily, and he let go of my wrists, rolling off of me. "Ask me first, with Michael, he always running, you have to be careful about who's following him" I said and he nodded, I rested my hands on his shoulders. "We're going to get through this, I promise"

"You found an opening?" He guessed and I nodded. 

"It may not be much, but it's a start, and with David on my back it's the best we can do" I said and he wrapped his arms around me, hugging my tightly. 

"What about Michael?Tommy?" He asked and I sighed in his embrace. 

"I took a leap of faith, Michael's going to keep an eye on him, he's on his way the East Midlands right now" I said and Jordan bit his lips nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"I also took one" He said "We've never been one for the rules, it's not in our nature, but I called some of our kin, your sister's going to do some digging she's always listening out for gossip, see if she can get o'wt on David"

" _Fight fire with fire, take them down with you_ " I said and he nodded. " _It's always your game if no one survives to tell you otherwise"_

"God, Bibi was a terrifying person, she gave scary advice" He said and I nodded in agreement. 

"But, it's always useful in some fucked up way" I said standing up on the bed. 

"Matt wants to watch som-oh my, what are you two up to?" Jamie asked as he walked into our room, without asking. "Are you jumping on the bed? I want to join" 

He climbed onto the bed, jumping beside me, I laughed as he joined. We jumped between the two beds, creatimg weird challenges, laughing underneath the harmless atmosphere of being pissed at 4am. 

The loud commotion attracted, Matt, Nick and Kierra who could hear us laughing over his Disney film marathon next door. His anger instantly diluted when he saw what we were up to. 

Matt decided to continue his film extrodenaire, in this room, making us promise to be quiet when Moana's solo came on, because it, and I quote ' _Makes my chest become a bass guitar'_ whatever the fuck that meant. 

When the song did come on it, he sat crossed legged in front of the telly, and we found it out hard to say quiet as we particpated in Nick's bowling game, involving shampoo bottles. 

" _Shhhushhh_ " He complained, throwing chocolate buttons at us, Nick dived behind the bed dramatically pretending to be shot. 

Kierra opened a pack of skittles form her bag and began throwing them back to Matt attempted to catch them in his mouth, but failed miserably. 

"FOOD FIGHT!!!!" Nick screamed, instantly getting hit by a combination of skittles and chocolate buttons picked up from the floor. 

We all began throwing anything we could find with as much strength as we had, hoping it would end up in the right general direction.

We ended creating some sort of divison, two sides by which ever side of the room we decided to take cover in, making forts out of the beds. Me, Jamie and Nick on oneside, with Kierra, Matt and Jordan on the otherside. I know, me and Jordan on opposite sides? It happened so fast and we did recreate the titanic scene when we realized.

Jamie fully going for it, launching hinself as closely as he could, throwing biscuits aggressively.

Me and Nick were more accurate and strategic whereas Matt was able to sneak between both sides, getting a few hits before hiding behind a lamp jumping out at random points to hit us and then hide again.

Kierra was just high I think, on what I didn't know, she even ran through the our side, stealing our weapons and laughing like a maniac.

In other words, utter chaos taking place to the sound of Moana. 

It honestly felt like I was in one of those world war films. Hhhaha, imagine that: _The trenches were getting more and more unstable, with explosions left at right. I was worried, my comrades weren't going to make it home to our wives._

Because we are all of a sudden married, just for the roleplay.

" _We're running out of ammunition" Commander Jamie shouted ducking from another explosion. Suddenly, Officer Nick screamed, falling to the ground. I ran to his side "Nick, Nick stay with me" I said holding him close._

_"It's too late for me, tell my wif-" He began._

_"No, no, we're going to get out together, we're going to go and sea the sea you and me, on holiday. When all of this is over, you're going to be a pianist just like you always wanted" I said, because I was a nice person in my imagination._   
_._

_"It's no use" I said "We've ran out of ammunition"_

_"There's more in the river" Jamie said_

_"Jamie no-" And with the sun setting behind him he gave us a long slow motion stare, he turned away from us for the last time running out onto no-man's land and throwing Oreos agressively at the other side, agressively screaming at them, dramtically to Moana._

_"Noooooooo-"_

  
There was a knock on the door and Alex stuck his head in the room "What the fuck are you guys up to?" He asked, completly unimpressed by our behaviour. 

"Nothing" Jamie said, eating the biscuit that was in his hand as innocently as he could. 

"You guys have got to get out of there, we have a long day tommorow" He said cynically and there was a low mumble of collective complaints. 

"Fine, lower the drawbridges" Kierra said, and we all climbed out of our sweet invested forts. 

"Ahahhaa, idiots" Alex shouted, opening the door to reveal a water pistol in his hand, which apparently Jamie had packed with him. For what reason I will never know. 

"Betrayl!" I shouted, running in the opposite direction as he chased around the room. But with all the chaos I ran straight into the wall and fall onto the back, getting drenched in water by Alex. 

I stood up and tackled him to the ground and he laughed as I tried to steal his weapon off of him. 

Then, to ruin it all, there was yet another knock on the door. 

"House keeping"


	8. No Romo, But I Think We Could Destroy The World Together

YOU BETTER LOSE YOURSELF in the music, the moment  
⤷𝓮𝓶𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓶

────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆────────

★*:･ﾟ𝕴 like to think, that if I ever got a musical written about my life, that this moment would be scored with a chaotic assemble of six-part dramatic harmonies alongside agressive dancing and incoherent screaming.

Because, this existential crisis of sudden morals through my passive agressive argument, needed some...orchestral support. So yeah, Lin Manuel Miranda, if you're reading this...*wink wink, nudge nudge*

"I don't get it, if they're so fucking important...why are they here?" Kierra asked, pointing at the cage holding two turkeys "They can't help record...unless they do vocals" 

"It's just a American thing...I don't get it, but Breana's family were gonna come over and it's not my fault they order came early" Matt explained, feeling complete indifference towards them "I'm not sure what I can do with them for a month...we can start a Youtube channel, or you know, just use them early" 

"What do they even use them for anyway?" I asked, crouching infront of the cage. "I've been to the states...not in November, do they like dress them up, like a pagent or...." I looked up to see both Matt and Kierra's unamused glance, looking at me like I was the thickest person on the planet. 

No not thicc, just stupid. 

"No...." I began and Kierra nodded. "What...why? Why did you order them alive? You're leading them into a false sense of security, befriending them before betraying them and eating them. Is that ehat you do to all of your friends Matthew Helders?" 

"Rue, do you really want to have a conversation about morals and misleading friendships?" Jordan asked with a smirk. 

"What's your plan then? There's nothing we can do with them, other than really scaring Cookeh in the middle of the night...or...we have been looking for a hyperthetical fifth member of the band..." He began, looking at Kierra for approval, who only shook her head. "There's n'owt we can do with them" 

"I'll take them, I can give them to my mate in the morning, he's a farmer" I said quickly. "I'll hold on to them" 

"Where? Are you hiding a turkey habitat up your ass? Where are you going to keep Stuffing and Cornbread?" Matt asked "Yes, I named them" 

"Put them in my room. I don’t care." I tried. 

"I’m not putting the turkeys in your room."

"Put the turkeys in my room."

"No."

"Put them in my room, put them in my room, put them in my room-"

That night, as I stared into the cold, pitiless eyes of a prehistoric beast of prey. I had a few regrets.

𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚈 𝙺𝙽𝙾𝚆, I texted Jordan 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚈 𝙺𝙽𝙾𝚆 𝙸 𝚁𝙾𝙱𝙱𝙴𝙳 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝙼 𝙾𝙵 𝙵𝙸𝚅𝙴-𝚂𝚃𝙰𝚁 𝙰𝙲𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙼𝙾𝙳𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂 𝚃𝙾 𝚂𝙸𝚃 𝙸𝙽 𝙰 𝙲𝙰𝙶𝙴 𝙸𝙽 𝙼𝚈 𝚁𝙾𝙾𝙼, 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙼𝙸𝙽𝚄𝚃𝙴 𝙸 𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙽 𝙼𝚈 𝙱𝙰𝙲𝙺 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚈 𝙰𝚁𝙴 𝙶𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚃𝙾 𝙵𝙴𝙰𝚂𝚃 𝙾𝙽 𝙼𝚈 𝙵𝙻𝙴𝚂𝙷

Cornbread stared emptily back at me from inside a huge crate. Matt came by once every few hours to check on them. I keept asking if he can detect a lust for blood.

It was at this point, I realized that I hadn't texted Jordan, I had texted Turner. Read. 

Stuffing released another ominous gobble.

I was going to get things accomplished that night. I really was. Before I was learned of exorbitant turkey expenditures, I was going to work on some articles on the band, and evaulate how the fuck I was going to deal with David...after I watched some Friday Night Dinner. 

Instead, I was in a prison of my own creation, sworn to babysit those turkeys until the saving grace of dawn, and just then realizing my deep-seated fear of large birds.

I considered sleeping in Matt's room or something...but what if those demons from hell broke out of their cages and murdered us all uring the night when I was supposed to be watching? BREAKING: ARCTIC MONKEYS FOUND DEAD IN HOTEL VIA A SATANIC TURKEY RITUAL KILLER.

𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚘𝚜, was Turner's idea of a comforting response.

I dropped onto the edge of my bed and snapped a shot of Cornbread, pressing send, flinching when the bird flapped at me threateningly.

𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚑𝚎’𝚜 𝚌𝚞𝚝𝚎, Turner responds

𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝’𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗’𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛  
𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚊𝚌𝚒𝚗𝚐   
𝚐𝚘𝚋𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐

𝚈𝚎𝚜, 𝚏𝚊𝚖𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛  
𝚘𝚏 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚖𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚜,  
𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚘𝚋𝚋𝚕𝚎

"You know what, you little shit,” I said the second the call connected, “You can hear it for yourself and then tell me how you would handle this-"

"Rue?” Alex's voice sounded bewildered across the line. "Did you really just call me at three o’clock in the morning to make me listen to a turkey?"

"Yes, obviously," I said. I glanced at Cornbread and cringed. "It’s like they can see into your soul. Cornbread knows my sins, Turner. Cornbread knows what I have done, and he is here to make me atone."

I heared a rustling over the phone, and I imagined Turner in a faded Strokes shirt he used as a pajama top, rolling over in bed and maybe switching on a lamp. "Let’s hear the cursed gobble, then"

"Okay, brace yourself," I said, switching to speaker and gravely holding out the phone.

Nothing. Ten long seconds of nothing.

"Truly harrowing," Turner's voice said tinnily over the speaker.

"It—okay, this is not representative," I said "They’ve been gobbling all fucking night, I swear."

"Sure they were" Turner said, mock-gently.

"No, hold on" I said "I’m gonna … I’m gonna get one to gobble. Um, how do you do that?" 

"Try gobbling," Turner said "And see if he gobbles back" 

I blinked "Are you serious?" 

"I dunno, I saw Attenborough do it once. The trick is to get into the mind of the turkey.”

“How the fuck do I do that?”

"So," Turner instructs. "Do as I say. You have to get quite close to the turkey, like, physically."

Carefully, still cradling my phone close, I leaned toward the wire bars. "Okay."

"Make eye contact with the turkey. Do you have it?"

I followed Alex’s instructions in my ear, planting my feet and bending my knees so I was at Cornbread’s eye level, a chill running down my spine when my own eyes locked on the beady, black little murder eyes. "Yeah."

"Right, now, connect with the turkey, earn the turkey’s trust … befriend the turkey…” Alex said. 

"Okay…"

"Buy a summer home in Majorca with the turkey…"

"Oh, I fucking hate you!" I shouted as Turner laughed at his own idiotic prank, and his indignant flailing startled a loud gobble out of Cornbread, which in turn startled a very ungodly dcream out of me. "Fuck, Did you hear that?"

"Sorry, what?" Turner said. "I’ve been stricken deaf."

"You’re such a dick" I said, climbing back into bed and face planting my pillow. "I hope Cornbread does kill me."

"You're so petty. No, all right, I did hear it, and it was … frightening," Alex said, he sighed "Just try and sleep Rue, I'm tired...as much as I love hearing your petty remarks...I have music to record in the morning" 

"Ok..." I mumbled reluctantly. 

Silence. 

"Rue..." Al began "Just move rooms, if you really want to you can sleep with-" 

"What if they escape? I’ve seen Jurassic Park. Did you know birds are directly descended from raptors? That’s a scientific fact. Raptors in my room. And you want me to go to sleep like they’re not gonna bust out of their enclosures and take over the island the minute I close my eyes? Okay. Maybe your white-"

"Rue...the turkeys are not going to Jurassic Park you," he said "You should be on EastEnders sith your melodrama. Just abadon the Turkeys and move into our room, Matt will protect you..."

I hesitated, sitting up in my bed, looking between my own pride and those feathered demons. I sighed, pushing my self away from the seats and carefully leaving the room. 

Matt was out like a Jordan after piss-up, so the security was a lie. Turner didn't save the oppotunity to bully me. 

"Maybe the turkeys will break down the door-" He began, laughing at I threw my pillow at him, which I immediately regretted as he didn't give it back, until I had to get up and get it.

"I hate you" I mumbled, lying back down and trying not to have dreams about certain breeds of birds. 

ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ⁿⁱᵍʰᵗᵐᵃʳᵉˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...

Sometimes I see things that aren't real. And when I notice they're not there, I realize how much easier it would be if they were. 

A better life, a different person within this mind, a situation where for once I was completely and utterly fucked. I'd pick up on things, things that weren't really there, and then they were. Observation was the greatest weapon in my game, and tragically, Alex Turner wasn't the only player. 

"Why are you always deep in thought?" He asked, and for a moment, it was although he was curious of my life, or lack of, rather than desperate to find anything incriminating on me, but yet again, it wasn't real, nothing ever was.

"I'm not" I lied and he raised his eyebrow at me, I thought for a moment, weaving a braid between my fingers like I usually did when I was nervous. He didn't make me nervous, the idea of him did, I was scared of him before I met him. I guess as it was theoretically impossible to fear David, you find yourself scared of everything and anything that was a disposition of the chaos he created. "I'm just thinking..."

"That's never a good sign" He said and I rolled my eyes, choosing to ignore him, it was like he was some sort of match for cynical cruelty, but more of I had to reduce my optimal sombre tone as although it was hard to remember, I was supposed to somehow figure out a way to get him not to hate me. 

"Not for you it isn't" I muttered under my breath, "Executing the plan is always just the beginning, the moment that you're beneath is always the beginning, if you live in chaos, you're always planning for the next disaster"

For some reason, this seemed to amuse him. "I'm guessing you had to get some sort of degree in English literature to become a journalist, I'm more concerned of why you're so reserved yet talk in verse, I don't know, you have this sort of look you give people, like you think you're the smartest person in the room" He said with a smirk and I checked to see if the corridor around the corner was clear, so he wouldn't see me struggling to hide my smirk.

"That's coming from you, you're a little pissed that you've finally met someone who speaks in such an ambiguous way as you, more so, it's infuriating for you" I said "And it's usually amusing to me, because more often than not I am the smartest person in the room"

He creased his eyebrows together, giving me a bored glance "Narcissism? I've had to deal with that enough times in my life, it's a little boring try summat else"

"More factual aware, we live in a society where we're have to be good at everything, but must be modest. If I wasn't the most observant and cunning person in a regular room of ego-driven high profile dicks, I wouldn't have a job. I've had to escape the worse situations, I can be anxious and aware of my own abilities" I said and he rolled eyes "You do it to, you think you're better than those who interview you, and you are, in the music area, if you weren't, you and I wouldn't be talking"

"We would be if I had failed that bad in life that I see you in passing" He said and I shook my head.

"You're doing it wrong" I informed him and he frowned, confused. "You have to be a little more creative with your insults, and minimal, a better one would be summat like, I don't know 'I wouldn't see you unless I had done summat really bad in my life, Karma' or 'I don't remember participating in any satanic rituals recently, so I'm sure I won't see you'" 

"Just repeat that latter" He said, taking a pen out of his pocket and pretending to write on his hand, "I'll save that one for later" 

I looked around the corner again, but my eyes were captivated by Jordan on the otherside of the road, who was eating an ice cream with Jamie Cook, not noticing that it was melting and dripping onto the floor. When he spotted me, he gave me a particular look, and mine was confused. 

He tried to gesuture with his hands, participate in charades, but that didn't work either as when it wad my turn, I just shrugged my shoulders, confused. It was also difficult to do this subtly with Alex behind me. 

Eventually he gave up and just texted me, like a rational human being. 

play nice, mardy bum  
you have a job to do. 

I sighed heavily, turning back and leaning against the wall. I was unsure really, how you subtly change the tone to a nicer one, that wasn't what are dynamic was about. "If there is a later" I said, without thinking, the fear of the future imprisoned in the front of my mind, stuck like something was in my teeth. 

He hummed in response, a little confused. I pushed my self away from the wall "You said you'll write it down for later, I was just being morbid" I said. 

"You're a strange person, you know that?" He asked and I shrugged. "I mean like really, I find it difficult to believe that you're real" 

It isn't real. 

"Excuse me?" I asked, a little too quickly, my voice accidently sneaking up in volume, making him jump. 

"I said, it's difficult to caliberate what's real and what's not at this point" He said, honestly and I think, sincerely. "I've seen so much, endless repeation, everything, everday sort of..."

"Blended into one" I finished, unable to look him in the eyes. "Nothing feels real, you're just watching the chaos in your life with no means to control it, like a film. You find yourself desperate to remember days when you were happy, when you were alive..." 

"But you can't" He said quietly "And you can only think that you've always been this way, and only will continue to be" 

And suddenly in that moment, we weren't who we were. We were alone, safe in our own thoughts. Neither of us were there and we weren't each other. Fear is irrational, I know, but in that moment, I was scared, because I feared myself and in that moment, he was me. 

He was the irrational thoughts that kept me up at night, the anixety that took my life away from me, the self-destructive intelligence that was getting everyone I cared about hurt. He was everything I feared about myself. 

He cleared his throat "I mean, it's like you're not real, you just appeared one day, without any warning, you have no past, your barely here in the moment and your head is always in the future. I really don't get it, sometimes I'm scared I've just imagined you, a part of myself to torture me" He explained, unable to look me in the eyes. 

"Torture?" I said "I retaliate, I never intentionally hurt people, I just...protect those I have to" 

"You do that a lot" He said and I raised my eyebrow, pushing him to elaborate. "You always talk about protecting people, it's almost like they son't have a say in it, like they can't look after themselves. Why is it always you?" 

I sighed, picking out the lighter in my pocket, just so I could watch the fire flicker in my palm, to have a little control in your life. "There's thing called, having morals, I don't know if your heard of-"

"Haha" He cut me off, but gestured for me to continue, again, as though he was interested. Nothing's ever real.

"I was the only one who got out" I explained "Only one who went to university, got a decent wage working for a fucking tory newspaper of all things. No one else did, they all had the ability to, the same mind set as me, always planning, always escaping but they never did. Where we lived, was currupt and broken, run by gangs, the only way to survive was crime. I was just the only one who was as cunning, I never got caught, never got trapped there. I was reckless in place driven by fear. I owe people, not witb favour's but with unconditional love" 

"Didn't think you had that in you" He noted and I rolled my eyes. 

"I'm not heartless" I explained and he scoffed. "In a way you were right, you did just imagine me, I was only ever what you wanted to be. I only ever retaliated to what you said to me. If you going to believe anything I say, believe that I really, I mean really, you could say it was imperative that I wouldn't be cruel" 

"I'm not completely heartless" He said, like I didn't already know, unlike him, I was able to see through people's pain. "I have people to protect" 

"And that's what we're going to do" I said, watching as the owner of the shop we were hiding behind closed the door behind them and locked up. "The people who harassed you, harassed that lass of yours, I can't excuse them but with people like David, you should know there's no moral barrier with them" As you'll soon find out.

"Looks like we're ready" I said, looking around us before subtly jogging down the street, Alex following behind me. 

He kept an eye on people passing by, which was minimal as it was 2AM as I picked the lock. I stood up and opened the door, walking into the empty news studio. "I don't want to know, how you learned to do that" He said.

"Good call" I said as we walked through the dark room. I tried not to scream when I walked into the edge of a table, biting my tongue. 

"What are we looking for?" He asked, picking up random knick-knacks on people's desks and observing them. 

"A computer, one that will be connected to their One Drive" I said, using my phone light to make sure I wouldn't walk into any more tables. 

"Found one" He said, picking up a small laptop and passing it to me. As we waited for it to log on and for it to do it's long updates, Turner continued to look around. 

"We've just got to keep quiet and not draw any attention to oursel-" I said, instsntly cut off by the blaring sounds of Never Gonna Give You Up, as it turns out, he had found a radio and for some reason decided to turn it on, not knowing how loud it was going to be.

I quickly ran over to him "Turn it off" I hissed as he tried every switch and I covered my ears. 

"I'm trying" He said. I looked out of the window to see if we had got anyone's attention. 

"Just turn it off" I said and he grianed infl frustration, before smashing it against the desk, eventually the sound died out. I picked up the broken radio. 

"The off switch is here" I said, turning it around and showing him a huge switch on the front. 

"Technology, isn't exactly my speciality" He said shrugging. 

"You don't say" I mumbled, cynically, before going back to the laptop, scrolling through the files until I found a draft for an NME arcticle on Arctic Monkeys that was going to be sent off in the morning. 

"What now?" He asked and I smirked. 

"We use our imagination" I said, sliding the laptop over to him "Knock yourself out" 

We took it in turns, subtly editing the article, that was mainly focused on Alex's ex-girlfriend, into more interesting, random facts about the band members. "Oh Matt's going to kill me, when he founds out that the world's going to know about his pet fish" 

I took out my phone, and turned on my camera. "Let's give them a corresponding picture" I said and he purposefully pulled an unflattering expression. "Beautiful" I said, showing it to him and he laughed with me. 

He took out his phone and somehow managed to figure out how to take a picture of me "Nooo, what the fuck?" I said, quickly turning my head when I realized what he was up to, he turned his screen around to show a very mardy Rue. "What's the point? They won't even know who I am nor care" 

"They should know who to thank for the arcticle" He teased and I tried to grab the phone out of his hand, but he lifted it out of my reach, as I did so. 

"Then we'll sign it properly" I said, turning my front camera on, shuffling a little closer to him, as well as I could in my chair. We basically created the worse visual in the history of the planet, on purpose for the first picture and the second picture was just us laughing about it afterwards. 

I obviously attached the terrible ond to the arcticle. "We won't get for legal trouble for this will we?" He asked as I packed the stuff away, I laughed. 

"Nah, you won't, you're untouchable" I said as we walked out of the building. "Oh I can't wait until I'll see that publisbed"

"What about you? Will you get in trouble with David, or you know the police?" He asked and I grinned. 

"Trust me, when David sees that, he couldn't possibly be happier" I said, he'll see the fucking progress. 

"I don't really know what you mean by that, but I'll take it" He said "I thought he was the devil" 

"He is, but he's the devil with his own agenda" I said which tragically involves both of us.

Speak of the devil, you speak of a curse, and then you destroy everything. I froze, and everything sunk, further than hell when my eyes were caught on the a figure on the end of the street. 

"Tom" I said, before quickly running down the street, "Tommy!" I shouted and he made his way towards me. I wrapped my arms around him, buring my face in his shoulder. He held my tight. 

"It isn't real" I muttered, letting go of him "Tell me this isn't real, you were...you're supposed to be.." 

"David" He said simply, placing his hands in his pockets, looking guilty. "Paid me a week's bail or summat like that, said he wanted me to give you a message"

Alex had caught up with me by this point, looking as confused as ever, and honestly so did I. "What message?" I asked and as if on cue, the street lamp flickered some light onto us, and I finally saw the purple bruises and sharp cuts that dusted his cheeks. 

"His says he's got friends on the inside, you should've known that he isn't one for the right side of the law, apparently" He said, looking between the two of us. "Where's Jordan? Michael?"

"Never mind that, tell David I get the message and that I'm working on it, he doesn't need to do this. Tell him I fucking get it and I'm not trying anything" 

Dear David, I can't wait until we're both in hell together so I can beat the shit out of you. I get it, I get the message, Alex Turner for Tommy, Alex Turner for Michael, you've made it very clear, just please stop.


	9. Disagreement In Thy House Of Problematic Bastards

❝ _Well, I know that getting you alone isn't easy to do_  
 _With the exception of you I dislike everyone in the room_  
 _And I don't wanna lie, but I don't wanna tell you the truth_ ❞

*✭˚

Tea. 

  
Whoever said tea was a poshy, calmy, englishy thing, had never had to sit in a room with a criminal who happens to be your brother, a self-labelled fugitive, a omtimistic best friend l who never grew up and a rockstar that despised my mere existance. It was the strangest reunion ever. 

  
Silence, no one spoke, we all just sat, staring at each other, sipping terrible cups of tea nervously. I'm not sure why Jordan puts so much milk in tea, other than to match the demographic of Highgreen I guess.

There was only one thing I could address, which was the only thing we all had in common that brought us here tonight. "So...David..." I began.

"David" Jordan agreed, sipping his drink loudly, earning a unamused glance from Michael.

"I'm not exactly sure what he wants and what shit he got you in, but he's taken it too far" Michael said and I nodded in agreement.

"It has summat to do with the Maltby incident last year" I explained, unable to look any of them in the eyes. "He's been struggling to keep us in control so he threw us in the deep end as is holding our heads in the water"

"That still doesn't exactly explain what the Elvis/Tumblr tribute has to do with it" Tommy said, pointing over to Alex, who put his hands up in surrender, forgetting his mug was in his hands and spilt tea all over his jeans. I guess it was safe to say he was a little imitated by my older brother.

I rolled my eyes, passing him a tissue. "Sadly everything"I said, closing my eyes, trying to figure out how to explain this without Alex figuring out what was really going on, as he was insistant that he stayed as this was too suspicous for my employment contract. _Oh for curiousity to just kill the cat._ "In case you haven't noticed, indie bands are below my pay grade, no one else wanted to deal with this mardy bastard, who hates journalists. So he made us do it"

"You flatter me darling" He said and I gave him a bored glance. "So what you don't comply, he somehow makes life worse for this lot?" He said and I cleared my throat, gesturing him with my hands. He nodded "Ohhh, I mean, make life worse for them...other than having to deal with you? He must have a lot to offer"

I smirked "You're getting somewhere" I said and he nodded in agreement, high fiving me awkwardly.

"Am I only the one that's still confused here?" Jordan asked, waving his hand to capture my attention.

"We had a discussion earlier 'bout how his insults need to be less personal and more general...for comedic effect" I explained, missing my mouth completely when I tried to drink my tea.

"So what's the plan then?" Michael asked, looking between me and Alex suspicously.

"Nothing changes, I stay here to take interviews and deal with rockstars, you and Tom go back to the East Midlands" I said, standing, trying to ignore the burning drink on my clothes.

He thought about for a moment, before wrapping his arms around me. "Don't let the heartbreak flow both ways" Michael whispered in my ear, just before I was released from his embrace.

I wrested my hand on his shoulder, cupping his cheek, trying to somehow convey my confusion on how he knew what was going on without words. "I know you" He said simply, capturing my hand in his, kissing it softly. "You can't save everyone"

He let go of me, packing away his stuff and I walked over to my brother. "You take care of yourself ,yeah?" He said, hugging my softly.

"You too" I said "I don't know how to make this better, I'm sorry"

He smiled, a sad smile. "If you can't do it, no one can. It's better knowing that it's all ineviatable" He said.

"Nothing is" I said and he shook his head, hugging me once more before leaving the room. I gave a look to Jordan, who nodded and followed them out.

I sighed heavily, leaning against the wall. "Mind expl-" I cut him off bu turning around and pushing him against the wall, resting my arm firmly against his chest.

"Not a word about this" I said and his eyes darted back and fourth in confusion. "I'm serious Turner, this isn't journalism vs realism, this isn't me vs you here. If anyone ever asks you never saw them, they don't exist"

"Like you?" He mused and I scowled at him. "Fine, but I want some answers first, your brother he isn't dangerous is he?"

"Harmless" I said and he nodded, visably sinking in relief.

"The other lad...Michael is it, is he your boyfriend?" I rolled my eyes.

"Not this again, why do you care?" I asked, raising my eyebrow, which he mirrored.

"Because the lad is about twice my size and if he were to walk in here I don't think he'd appreciate how we're standing right now" He said and I instantly losened my grip, stepping away from him.

"He wouldn't appreciate that very, intimidating and threatening position?" I suggested, folding my arms across my chest.

"Whatever your into, I'm not one to judge" He said with a smirk, unable to take himself seriously and instantly started laughing.

"You're disgusting" I said laughing with him for only a moment before, we both stopped to say ' _Disgustang_ '. "I'm serious though, speak a word of this and you'll never speak again"

"My lips are sealed" He said with a smirk, which wasn't convincing. "But you still haven't answered my question, who's Michael?"

"He isn't my boyfriend if you must know" I said and he knitted his eyebrows together.

"You seem close" He suggested and I sighed, placing my hands on my hips, looking down at my feet momentarily.

"I'm close with many people, we have this thing, a way of showing we care, because we never know when we'll lose each other" I said and he nodded.

"Touching" He muttered. "I'm still not convinced"

"Good thing I don't need your confirmation for the events and people in my life" I said and he smiled.

"That were a good one" He said and I hummed in agreement. There was a moment of silence, where he seemed to be deep in thought until he finally broke it. "You doing o'wt tonight?"

"Yes" I muttered and he smirked.

"Skive it, I may have an idea for our next petty media revenge" He said.

"Tempting, but the idea came from you so..." I began, swaying on my feet slightly.

"Trust me, you'll love it" He said with a grin, lightly nudging my shoulder before leaving the room, a little too excited.

 _Don't let the heart break flow both ways._ I sighed, placing my hands in my pockets. _I promise Michael, the heartbreak won't go either way, angels never fall for devils._

**ᵗᵒᵒ ᵐᵃⁿʸ ᵐⁱⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ᵇᵉⁱⁿᵍ ᵃⁿ ⁱʳʳⁱᵗᵃᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ.**..

  
"Yeah this definitly is illegal" I said as Alex Turner had finally stopped deciding to be all mysterious, going all Minecraft villager mode on me and told me what his plan was.

"You still up for it?" He asked, placing his hands on his hips and looking towards the street infront of us.

"Well it's 5AM, I'm high on cat videos and I have to be up at 6 tommorow, of course I'm up for it" I said, jumping over the fence we were standing behind in excitement.

He hesistated for a moment, probably to to roll his eyes or think cynically of me before following behind me. 

Distractions, that was the ideology behind our reckless behaviour. Nothing to rid of the jobs of many, nothing to stop the fans getting what they deserve for you know...making their career, but something to steer away the focus from Alex's private life.

"This is mental" Alex laughed as he stuck another piece of sheet music on the wall of Radio X's building, tilting it slightly for artistic effect.

"It was your idea" I said, sticking down a photocopy from Alex's notebook, lyrics that never made any songs.

"I know that's why it's so weird...you've brought out this reckless side of me" He said, laughing as he flicked through more sheets of paper in his bag.

His plan wasn't all that bad actually, Jamie had figured that throughout the years fans were more interested in the stories and orgins of the their music and Alex's lyrics more than anything else. So he found a shit tonne of old music notes that never went far or the first drafts of their iconic songs and decided that we'd make a little gift for Radio X.

"What can I say? I'm known for bringing out the worst of people" I said, folding up another page of lyrics into a bird and sticking it's wings on the wall.

"A curse" Alex smirked and I laughed. Time became moments, and moments became thin paper planes that were dyed with the thoughts of a lyrical genius.

"We're running out of space.." I noted stepping backwards to see our artwork in another light. "We're going to have to start going upwards" I gestured with my hands.

"Both of us aren't exactly that tall" He said, stepping back and joining me.

"Give me a lift" I said, wrapping my arm around his shoulders. He rolled his eyes but gave in anyway, lifting me onto his shoulders. His grip rested against my thighs, I steadied my breath, trying to ignore the heat that spiralled beneath his touch, molten, electric.

Another moment fell, and my feet were on the ground, my hands were folding more music and whatever happened prior...didn't. _It wasn't real, nothing ever was._

"For fucks sake if I see another fucking spider..." Alex grumbled, shaking off his jacket that he left on the floor.

"What are you scared of them?" I asked, deciding to add a little colour to our creative vadalism, with paint.

He frowned, "I'm not scared of sp-"

"There's a big one on your arm" I said and he instantly yelped, shaking his arm slightly, before realizing that I lied. I began to back up our stuff before leaving behind our beautiful piece of destruction.

"You're horrible" He said, pointing at me as I laughed at him. "I know it's a little pathetic, but you wouldn’t get it"

I stopped laughing, raising an eyebrow at him. "Everyone fear summat, I am human you know, I'm scared of loads of things...a lot of stupid things" We turned the corner, trying to avoid getting scolded by vegetable oil as we walked past a fight between two competing chippies.

"You're a journalist" He teased "You're not programmed to feel emotions" He laughed softly, and suddenly the his touch that was once beneath my thighs was now beneath my chest.

I sighed heavily, "I’m telling you this, because as adorable as you being scared is, the laugh is definitely cuter but don’t tell anyone this…"

"Swear on me mum’s life" He said, raising his hand in some sort pledge of allegiance.

"I’m fucking terrified of Teletubbies" I said honestly, and he burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter "I’m completely serious, ever since I were a young 'un"

"That’s mental, why?" He asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Just never fancied seeing a huge hoover" I said, and he continued to laugh "Actual fucking nightmare"

Uncomfortable silence draped around us, it interwhined with cold fog, a anxious chill of uncertainty. Alex seemed to be deep in thought, he always was, which is strange since he was critical when I was. "Do jounalist actually have emotions...like morals?" He asked.

"No we almost get killed for fun" I said and he rolled his eyes, nudging me with his shoulders, causing me to stumble slightly to the side, so I pushed him back. "We do, we just have to remain neutral in difficult situations, which believe me is difficult"

"You'd never...like I don't know, purposefully break someone's heart for a good story" He asked and I froze.

"What?"

"You would never harass people who I loved until I lost them?" He asked and relief burned through me, a little too quickly.

I shook my head. "I don't think I ever could, but I can understand why others would" He nodded softly, looking down at his feet. "I'm sorry"I whispered and he looked up to me, his gaze drowned in anxiety. "I'm sorry for what happened to your lass, I'd never...she didn't deserve that...you didn't deserve that"

"It's fine" He muttered, his eyes always deviating from mine. "I guess this is my life now, it was what I wanted"

"It wasn't" I said and he turned to face me, all movement stopping in place. "You were just a lad who daydreamed a lot, but actually worked hard to do summat to make it real, you also happen to fall deep, happens to the best of us"

"It's not all a curse" He said, setting off to walk again. "The world gets decent music out of it"

"At what expense? The world doesn't desvere heartbreak for music" I said.

"What about you?" He asked, clearly changing the subject. "Do you fall deep?"

I couldn't fight the small smile that escaped my lips. "You'd be surprised" I whispered. "It takes me a while, but when I fall, I fall deep...which is terrible and I basically fall deep straight to hell"

"You know what?" Alex asked "I'd drink to that"

"Do you even know where the nearest pub is?" I asked, placing my hands in my jacket pockets for warmth and looking around me.

"I have a pubdar, it's a gift" He said conpletely seriouslt. "Let's go" He captured my arm, dragging me into the dark night that was Alex Turner.

_Dear David, have you ever heard of a phenomenon? I think seeing Alex laugh is something so rare, that to experience it, is a phenomenon. Sacrificing everything to witness it again doesn't seem to bad, but then again I don't think he'd be laughing through the heartbreak._


	10. At Some Point In My Life I felt Like Being A Disappointment: My Origin Story

_Open your hands_   
_Take a glass_   
_Don't be scared_   
_I'm right here_

_*✭˚_

  
There were moments in my life when I actually did wonder about the past, it was rare but I couldn't deny they happened. In my mind, everything was made of moments, moments that I was in presently, the past was never real and the future is only made up of what happens the moment after this one, so was therefore irrelevant. That, and that only was the reason why I didn't enlighten people with my tragic back story, _it wasn't real, nothing ever was._

This was sometimes difficult, as for people like Alex, everything was the past, and the moment you were in was only there to either make the past the future, or to stop the past becoming the future. I understood why people felt like that, the people with the only piece of fucking advice being ' _learn from your mistakes' ._ Maybe that would mean that Alex would understand a little, I was stopping the past breaking the future, because it was fine crafting your life around a single moment, but you can't do that to others. 

I never explained things to people, at least I don't think I do, I just let them catch on. But Alex was persistent. "I'm not interrogating you..." Alex protested as we walked down the quiet streets, which was unsettling as no one likes the silence before a tradegy.

"You basically are" I said, swaying my arms to the side but keeping them in my pockets. 

"I asked how long you've known Jordan for, you don't have to be so defensive" He said cynically and I rolled my eyes, _the past wasn't real, nothing ever was._

"You're asking something about my personal life, of course I'm going to get defensive" I said as we turned the corner to the pub, the one which I first met him in, the one which Jordan threw a drink at Alex in. That brought a smile to my face. 

"I'm going to keep thinking you're not real until you start opening, are you a robot?" He asked as I opened the door to the pub, "That'll explain your staring problem"

"I don't have a staring problem bellend" I said "You do"

He scoffed "Yeah, as if" He said and I held my hand up to Dan as we sat down at the bar, a safe distance away from eachother.

"I wrote it down in me fucking notes, melt" I said, taking my notebook out of my bag momentarily, as if I were in fucking Primary again and it was show and tell, best thing I ever did for that was show off the skeleton parts we found in the park. I put it back in my bag.

"As flattered as I am that you've been telling your diary about me-" He began but I cut him off.

"First of all, it ain't me diary, second...it's part of me fucking job to write about you" I said, laughing softly and he smirked.

"I'm sure everyone will be particularly intrigued by my fictional staring" He said and I rolled my eyes. "But I'm personally interested in drinks"

"I can sort mine out, don't have to wait for me" I said looking across the bar, cautiuously, tapping the surface as I did so. When I found what I was looking for, I ditched the quiff and walked to the other end of the bar, sitting next to the first man who radiated the word...nonce. Which was everyone to me really as contary to my writing ability, my speech abilties were limited to offensive words. He actually looked my age, but that doesn't mean I change my ground.

"So why are you in a bar at 6am?" I asked, raising my eyebrow, for some reason, low-end cynasim was a turn-on. I don't make the rules. 

"I could ask you the same thing" He pressed with a smile, and I shrugged my shoulders.

"This isn't a regular occurance for me, but I'm high and apparently that means I'm up for more drinks" I said, leaning my elbow on the bar, he laughed. 

"Ok...well I'm out with me mates, and we're Northerners, course we're out till insane hour" He laughed and I actually smiled at that. 

"It's cute that you think that South Yorkshire is the North, you'll softies to me" I said and he laughed, shaking his head softly. 

"Your not Geordie...so let me guess you from Bradford then love?" He asked and I smiled, assuring him his guess was correct. "I'm Max" He offered his hand out.

"Michelle" I made up on the spot, not really sure why I went with the name of the goldfish I had when I was eight, especially since it died well below the life expentacy. "I didn't think there were anyone called Max who weren't in Primary"

He laughed. "Yeah, well we do grow up" He said, he opened his mouth to say something else, but his friends called him over for a game of pool. "You want to come with?"

"I were gonna order a drink" I said, gesturing over to Dan who just threw his arms in the air just because someone had pointed at him. 

"Allow me" He said and I smirked. He passed me a pint after he paid and thanked him.

"Oh, do you mind if me boyfriend joins as well?" I asked, his face fell as I gestured to Alex who was laughing with Dan over some bollocks. 

"Erm...we have too many players" He muttered awkwardly, and I smiled.

"Ah, it's alright" I said, waving him off, "Thanks for the drink though mate"

I walked over to Alex with a mug grin on my face, trying not to laugh. "Traitor" He said simply, when he spotted me. "I can't believe you ditched me just ot pull some bloke"

I rolled my eyes as I sat down next to him "I just wanted a free drink" I explained, laughing a little, "And if anyone asks..you're me boyfriend"

"I don't even want to know, how you knew that would work" Alex muttered.

"If lads our age come to the bar to play pool with their mates, they won't pass a chance to pull a bird" I said simply. "Always go for the blokes with weird hair, like you"

"Ah ok...wait, why am I trying to get advice from you with how to flirt with lads?" He asked, and just as he did so Dan gave him a weird look, trying not to laugh. "There was context..." Alex tried to defend himself but failed, I laughed at him.

"My point is..." He began, turning to face me properly. "I could've of just paid, you didn't have to come up with cunning plans of your own"

I almost choked on my drink "But I were always told to never do deals with the devil" I said with a smirk. "Plus...trust me, that weren't an cunning plan"

"Oh really?"He mused, raising his eyebrow. "And let me guess, you have more flirty tricks up your sleeve...you can't surprise me anymore love"

I smirked. "That's where you're wrong" I said, pointing at him, before finishing my drink in one gulp. I ordered another drink and drank half of it. I cleared my throat as I stood up from my seat next to him.

I picked up the pint with the rest of the drink before smashing it on the floor. "What the fuck's wrong with you?" I shouted at Alex and he almost fell out of his chair in shock, I mean I had said some, almost cruel things to him but I guess I had never raised my voice at him, that wasn't my thing. Minimal.

"You absolute mental knobhead!" I shouted again, I pointed at the broken glass"Why the fuck would you do that...just cause I said I wouldn't blow you under the bar"

This seemed to draw the attention of every around us, causing Turner's cheeks to burn crimson. "What the fuc-" He muttered but I cut him off.

"This is a whole new low...now I'm going to have to pay for a fucking drink that I didn't even finish" I added, some of the lads around us started to cheer, just cause...it sounded like a start of a fight and they could have an excuse to punch something.

Dan seemed to sense this, he ran around the bar to us. "What the fuck? What's going on here...with you two again?" Dan said calmly, putting his arms between us as I pretended to attack Turner. He held onto my shoulders firmly. "Rue? What happened now?"

"This wanker here, smashed me drink" I said, pointing at Alex.

"Yeah, well it's not my fault I can never get any action from you any more" He argued back, starting to catch on. He purposely slurred his words a litte. "It's ok, I fucked your sist-"

"You bellend!" I shouted, before managing to get of Dan's grip and climbed the bar. "I DECLARE WAR! FREE DRINKS FOR WHOEVER SLICES HIS DICK OFF FIRST!" I shouted, causing everyone in the room to cheer.

Dan, quickly picked my off the bar, holding me in his arms, that man was a lot stronger than he looks. "How much have you had to drink?" He asked.

"Shit tonne...I won't stop until I raise this to the courts, until he oays for the drink..." I began but he cut me off.

"Fine, fine, no one pays for the drink...ok? It's on the house. As long as you promise to go home and not start a bar fight"Dan asked "I'll put you down, when you promise"

"Sounds good" I said with a smile and he sighed with relief before letting me stand on the floor. "Sorry lads, show's over, no fucking fighting unless you want to get fucked by bouncers"

There was a mumur of disappointment, I grabbed my bag and walked out of the pub, Alex following me reluctantly, ignoring the weird looks he was getting...I kind of made him look like a slag. Oh well.

"I swear down...why do you have so many plans to get free drinks? It's not like you're not paid" He said as we walked down the street and I rolled my eyes.

"I moved to Haworth when I were like fifteen, before that I lived in Rotherham" I said, and he finished the rest of his drink.

"Shit...that's, well shit" He said, wincing slightly of the impact of the drink, before smiling. "But hey, you just unwillingly gave me facts about you...maybe you do exist"

"Nope...still an alien" I said, "And besides, you won't find dirt on me before I've got everything I need to destroy your career so if you're planning on bringing me down, I'll take you down with me. Mutually, assured, destruction."

"I'll take that" He muttered. "Only if I take down everyone of your lot"

I stopped walking for a second. "Without my lot, you'd no nothing...everything you've ever believe in, ever thought was right or wrong. Whether if you're a tory or-" I began but he quickly cut me off.

"I am no tory" He said and I smiled, at least there was part of him that wasn't completely despicable.

"Everything you know is from what you've learnt...tragically all from the media bias of the time" I said and he frowned, I set off walking again. "Minority vs Majority influence...Asch, have a read about it"

"Why do you work for a right-wing newspaper?" He asked, still unable to stop following me for some reason. For a moment he sounded genuienly curious. _It isn't real, nothing ever was._

"Only way to get through to people, sneak your own agenda through shit papers" I said "Plus, I didn't get a job at the Guardian"

"Fair" He said. "So...since you kind of ruined our eveing...well the rest of the morning, what do you want to do now?"

I frowned at him. "Why would you want to spend more time with me?" I asked, without thinking, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be making him fall in love with me...I kept forgetting that, and it was getting problematic. I needed to focus.

He shrugged. "You're annoying and a demon, but you're not boring I'll gice you that...you pull crazy shit like that, better than whatever plans I had"

I sighed "I'd take that...but, I'm not exactly an expert on entertainment, I usually just go to parties and pubs, or travel for me job. I wouldn't know, I mean I've never even paid for a cinema ticket" I said, this seemed to surprise him for some reason.

"Really? Why not?" He asked and I sighed heavily.

"I've been skint me entire life...remember, Rotherham? Haworth?" I pressed and he nodded, when he understood. "I went to the cinema all the time as a young 'un, but I never like paid"

"You're full of shit" He said, shaking his head, unconvinced. "There is no way you did that"

"Swear on me mum's life" I said and he shook his head again

"Demons don't have mums...prove it" He said and I smiled.

"Fine then, Alex Turner..." I began, offering out my hand "Would you like a free trip to the cinema?"

Surprisingly he let his hand fall into me, it was strange to say the least, the raw electricty that burned through my body beneath his touch. That wasn't what I said, obviously, I told him something like "Why are your hands so warm...it's gross"

To which he replied with: "Yours are uncomfortably cold" but that didn't make us let go.

Sneaking into a projection box was surprisingly easy, which I thought said a lot more about their security than my sleuth skills.

"Shouldn’t someone be watching this?" Alex asked as he inspected the projector.

  
"I think it’s automatic" I suggested. "Do you know what’s playing?"

  
"Romeo and Juliet, Baz Luhrmann from the looks of it” Alex muttered, and I frowned.

"Oh, fuck me, this was a bad idea" I said taking off my jacket and using it as a blanket to sit on the floor.

"How dare you, the film’s a masterpiece!” He gasped, and I  
rolled my eyes, as he sat next to me.

"It cringey and cheesy" I protested. He opened the back of Skittles which he bought from the vending machine and threw one at me in disgust.

"It's romantic" He said firmly"And the soundtrack has my heart"

  
"So your music taste is equally as bad?" I suggested and Alex nudged into me, resting into me and not moving back afterwards, until a moment later. "I'll have you know that my music taste isn't bad...as you didn't look upset when we played our music"

"I was suffering, don't worry. I suffer in silence" I said and laughed, throwing another Skittle at me, I tried to catch it in my mouth but failed painfully. "Internally dying"

"Shhhhh I love this scene" He said sitting up to get a better view, it was like the entire shadow of him was glistening under the light of the screen.

  
I wanted to make a cynical comment, about the level of cringe this film was burning me with, but under Alex's wonder of the film, it left me.

Time became nothing, moments that were binded by Alex's trance under the soft glow of the screen and the faint sparkles that would slip down his cheeks. Tears.

It was a film of his own, Alex. He was a cinematic masterpiece, I thought. The room was casted over, with a faint blue spell as the pool scene drifted through. "She loved this film...we used to always watch it together"

"Did you both bond over your shit taste in music?" I whispered quietly, and he smiled softly, shaking his head a little, still facing the screen.

I felt a lump in my throat and swallowed, I looked up at this time my eyes weren't alone. "I'm sorry..."

"It's fine...it was for the best" He whispered. We were sitting so close together in that small space that my fingers accidently brushing his knuckles didn't have to seem deliberate, but I made it so, anyway. 

I felt his hand shiver underneath mine, but he didn't move it from where we touched. Our gazes never wavered from each other’s, and when they did, it was only so that my gaze could travel to his lips for a moment, only to come back to his eyes.

He looked like he didn't know what to make of any of this, but he also looked like he was denying it was even happening; he looked like maybe in the darkness of the room, we could pretend nothing was real. _It wasn't real._

I thought I was going to do it as well, I almost let myself close my eyes, and press my lips against his. But for once, my mind flooded with common sense, telling me that, that it wouldn't work...and I didn't want it it to. Because then all of a sudden...David wins.

I quickly withdrew my glance and with that, I looked to the screen for the first time that day, and Alex looked away from it for the second.

There was only one thing that circled my head, the only thing to make all of this go away. The only though I let my voice reveal.

"Do you want to get high?" I asked.


	11. Today On Dr Phil-The Traitor Who Has An Addiction To Fucking Things Up

❝ _I took your heart_  
 _I did things to you_  
 _Only lovers would do in the dark_ ❞

*✭˚

People fall deep for different things. You can fall for anything : charms, physical illusions, feelings...something that isn't just, numb. 

People fall in different ways. Some don't, some fall shallow, scraping the surface of the water, some fall deep...some fall to their deaths. 

Some people don't want to fall, some are leaning over the edge, desperate for someone to just push them. Some change their mind once they've let go. But if anything was branded with certainty in this life, it was that you can never chose, it just happens. Nothing is in your control.

There's a reason why people fall deep for the prospect of euphoria. The anticipation of feeling something. 

And thats what happens, when you inhale an artificial ocean of euphoria, drugs. One minute the world is alive, and burning with noise, then suddenly, without warning, it happens...you breathe and the next thing you know is your breath starts to slow. And every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have.

And everything stops: your heart, your lungs, then finally, your brain. And everything you feel, and wish, and want to forget, it all just sinks.

"Woahhhh" Alex said, falling on his back beside me, meeting my gaze to the darkness of the celing, which had been contaimated with every colour that wasn't what it was originally. 

I laughed, once I was given air again given life. Everything I could see was painted, brushed over my monochrome sight with vibrant hues and exotic taste...spiralling in an crafted motion of madness, as though someone was enscribing every essence of watercolour on the surface of my eyelids with an electric-neon knife.

"I feel like I'm dying" I laughed, my eyes widened slightly at what said, as if it hadn't registered with my head first. 

"Oh my Strokes...what if we are?" He gasped, still laughing a little. "Or maybe we already are dead and we were in hell...that's why our lives are so miserable" 

So many different souless tones envoloped around me with a raw energy. The vibrant shades were in perpetual motion, dancing, flowing, changing shade. I giggled softly, unabe to feel my hands as I placed them on my stomach. "Probably, but that shit isn't real" I said, my tone too cheery for the words that I let escape into the room.

"What are you like Nick? Do you think we were put here by aliens?" He asked, his hands reaching slightly, towards what I didn't, maybe it wasn't just me who saw stars. 

"Obviously" I said, I wasn't sure if I was still laughing or not. "I had a dream about Nick last night" 

He shook the side of my arm "We've all had _that_ dream about Nick" He confessed "But he has a girlfriend you know" 

I hoped I remembered that when I was sober. I nudged him "I didn't mean that kind of dream...I swear down everyone thinks you have sexual dreams when you dream about them...no he were on Bake off with Jamie"

"Yeah if you say so" He teased. "But I'd put my entire career on that you're full of bullshit, you're fit and all but you're never telling the truth...it's really destressing" 

"That and I'm a journalist" I added and he agreed with me. "And hey, you know that I'm not lying, Nick made a cheesecake and everything...or were it a chocolate cake?" I shook my head. "You're just desperate to throw away your career for a pointless bet" 

"That's because it's shit" He said simply, still enchanted by the ceiling.

I sat up so he could see the unamused look I was giving him. "Oi...careful, some don't have the privelage of hating being rich" I said, and he laughed, pushing me back onto the floor, rolling to face me. 

Even though entire room was highlightened with the glowing colours, the look he gave me there, was the deepest of them all. Like driftwood, brushing and fading like a flickering light. "Trust me, it a dream come true until everything gets outplayed and nothing feels real and then you lose everything because of people like you" He said and I cheered.

"I'm honoured, but trust me...our side is shit as well, you have people like David sending you to the Middle East to get you killed" I said, unaware that whatever it was that was flooding me, was pushing me closer to him. "I wish I was doing real shit instead of stalking a band" 

"What do people even get by intefering with my personal relationships? I think people don't think I really exist, I'm just theirs and they make me believe that as well" He said, his tone a little to chirpy, not really matching what he was saying. "I can't love anymore...what am I without that?"

I laughed, even though that wasn't exactly appropriate. "The same" I said "Falling deep doesn't make you who you are, everything happens for a reason, you are who you are for that reason" 

"See...you do secretly care" He said, pointing to, nothing in particular. 

"It would be weird if I didn't, journalists don't actually begin each morning by pledging our alligence to the devil" I said, and his eyes widened, as if that fact actually surprised him. _Just blame everything on the drugs._

"Don't be mental...have you even fall in love?" He asked, sounding a little offended that I wasn't actually a satanist. 

"Course I have" I said and his jaw dropped. 

"Bullshit" He said, for some reason finding motivation to tackle me, trying to annoy the truth out of me, I guessed. We don't bring reason into this. "When was the last time...wait, no, when was the first time you fell in love?" 

I scoffed. "I don't remember, like I kissed a lad when I were like fourteen, I fucked a lad...who I can't remember when I were like seventeen. Whether I felt anything towards that I can't remember" I explained and he rested his chin on his hand, his elbows digging into my stomach as he was still lying on top of me. 

"Fine...relationships then" He pressed and I couldn't help but wince at that word. 

"Erm..." I thought, the haze of the drugs clouding my memory. "I think I were in a relationship with this bloke called Theo, before that I was with Amy and Michael doesn't real count does he?" 

He frowned. "Thought you said, you weren't in love with him" Alex said, his nose creasing, like it did everytime he was confused. 

"I never said that, I just said he wasn't my boyfriend" I said and he groaned, rolling off me. "Oh stop that, you're making it sound like you care" 

"I don't...you just don't make sense, ever" He complained, lifting his arms in the air, momentarily. "I just like to know...where I stand with people" 

"You made that pretty clear" I said. 

He shook his head quickly. "I don't hate you, that's a lie" He confessed. "I just can't stand the way you make me feel...that's what I hate. You're just a living reminder of everything I lost and why I lost it. I know it isn't you, but it might as well be, you make me so angry and guilty and the same time"

"You're stupid" I said and he scowled. "You do realize that thinking irrationally and hating...is something what they do, you want to be able to differentiate yourself from them...or no point in complaining"

He didn't answer, still lost in whatever it was that was happening in or out of his head. "What about you...what has your love life been like, well minus the tragic backstory?" I asked, budging his shoulder.

"Doesn't matter, none of the break ups hurt as much as it did this time, it was all out of my control and I _hate_ feeling like that" He complained, covering his face with his hands. "Everything was going fine...she was amazing, and she's probably hurting so much right now. I should try calling her again" He reached for his phone and I instantly nicked it off him. "Hey!"

"That's the last thing she deserves" I said, turning his phone off. "You need time, you're clearly still hurt as you keep acting like a bum-"

"Hey, I'm not! You're being a bum" He said and I laughed. "I'm just trying to be nice" 

"You'll make this worse, trust me I'm an expert on that stuff" I said and he stuck his tongue out, trying to take his phone back off me. "I saved you"

"Oh wow, you're my hero, where would I be without you?" He laughed, his arm still resting on my forearm, even though he had given up trying to get his phone back. 

"Probably not in a projector box, high on Fentanyl"I noted and he laughed. "More importantly...dolphins or llamas, which would be weirder to marry?"

He lay back beside me, letting go of my arm, shifting a little closer. "Dolphins, no question...how would they even get down the ile? And I can't swim" 

"You can't swim?" I laughed and he pouted. "But will you ever have your Romeo and Juilet underwater kiss?" 

"Oh my, you're never going to let this go, are you?" He groaned and I continued to laugh at him as I shook my head. 

"Two hours, two fucking hours you made me sit through" I complained. 

"You're the one who started a bar fight" He pointed out and I shrugged. 

"You would've had a boring evening without me" I teased, laughing softly. 

He sighed, hesistating for a moment. "Yeah, I guess so" He muttered. 

_It isn't real. Nothing ever was._

_**ᴸᵉˢˢ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ ᵗʰᵃⁿ ⁱᵗ ˢʰᵒᵘˡᵈ'ᵛᵉ ᵇᵉᵉⁿ, ᴵ ʷⁱˢʰ ᴵ ˢˡᵉᵖᵗ ⁱⁿˢᵗᵉᵃᵈ...** _

"You look lively" Nick noted, when he walked into the room, sliding a cup of coffee across the desk that I was resting my head on...as well as other important documents. 

"I haven't slept" I muttered, staring at the coffee suspicously. "But I've been worse, don't worry" Nick raised his eyebrow, not convinced.

"Let it be" Jordan advised, sitting beside me. "We both somehow survived a border hold up whilst hungover." 

Nick smiled "You look nearly as bad as Al were outside" He said, an amused tone apparent in his voice.

"How bad was that?" I asked and as if on cue, Alex opened the door, sungalsses on, hair a mess, still wearing the same clothes as yesterday, but just put Matt's hoodie on to hide that fact. He didn't look like he was dying, more bored than anything else. 

I lowered my sunglasses every slow slightly, but he barely acknownledged my existence, giving me less than a bored glance. At least he wasn't agree at me for fucking him up...ahah, look at me being all optimistic and shit. 

Never again. 

"You guys will not believe what-" Jamie shouted running into the room, instantly cut off by Alex. 

"Cookeh, I swear down if you don't pipe down, I will sell you baby pictures to fangirls" He mumbled cynically holding onto his ear momentarily. 

"That's what I'm fucking shouting about in the first place" He complained, lowering his voice as he placed the latest issue of NME magazine, display a double page spread, an arcticle that looked very familiar. "This is insane, it's fiilled with bullshit...my personal highlights beings: Alex Turner's hamster was a pornstar, Jamie cook was a fashion student in this school, Nick used to be a fortune teller before joining the band and they've even got Matt's fish's name wrong!" 

Matt dropped his bagel "What?" He asked, walking over to read the article. "If you were going to write about that...at least give Miranda justice" He looked directly at me.

"Ok, just because something completelty mental and fucked up happens, why do you all pressume I did it?" I asked taking this moment to be a little offended. 

"You attached a picture of you and Al with it" Jamie said, turning the magazine around so I could see. 

"Oh yeah" I laughed, but stopped almost immediately, as that physically hurt and made me want to throw up. 

"Ha, my personal favourite is the one about Al being part of a Europe tribute band before the Monkeys" Kierra said, the disaster drawing her attention away from the biscuit cubpard. 

"You're not mad?" Alex asked and she shrugged. 

"I mean it's always bullshit anyway, besides you lot never can get in trouble for some reason as for Rue as long as the police don't-" She was interrupted by a knock on the door. 

"Sorry, to interupt but the police are here to ask some questions" The receptionist, Juilie I think said, Kierra's face fell and the look she gave me there, probably matched the facial expressions my parents held when I was born. 

Juilie stepped back, and two men walked in, one looking incredibly annoyed and the other more intruiged with his phone. "You'd think that I'd be safe from the consequences of your existence whilst being miles away from you...but no, you've out done yourself" One of them said, pointing at me, causing everyone else but Jordan to stare at me, completely baffled. 

"Always a pleasure to see you too Sly" I said, standing up. "I thought you got promoted and don't have to deal with this shit anymore" 

Lloyd Dennis, aka Sly, rolled his eyes. "So did I" He said "But it Brian's in charge again" 

  
My job sometimes lead to copyright, private infomation issues and irregularities in tax, that was the only reason why I was a regular irritation for the police. But then again, I'm not a reliable narrator.

I winced. "What are you here for? Is this some sort irregularities in the pension fund sort of thing?" I asked, his partner, Jake, looked up from his phone. 

"First of all, I love you for that reference" He said and I grinned. "Second of all I hate you for making us do this, we're hear because vadalism, destruction of property and petty crime, all has your name on it" 

I shrugged. "I only signed once" 

"I know, I know" He muttered. "I just need a couple of notes so we can get this over with, you the one with bad hair" He said pointing at Alex. "I'm guessing you were het accomplice,let me guess you tripped and spilt paint on the wall?"

Alex's nose creased. "What? No what actu-"

"We can't be doing with this" Sly said "Let's just all move on so we don't have to talk to any of you again, especially Rue" He added, and I blew him a kiss. 

"Unbelieveable" Alex muttered, sitting down in defeat. When the two idiots had finally left, Jamie was the first to speak.

"You could get away with murder, you could" Jamie said.

"Annoying people is a superpower" I said, crossing my legs and resting my feet on the table. "In all seriousness, they don't have the money or time for petty crime anymore, especially with the knife crime issues. The county's fucked now" 

There was a moment of silence. "Whatever you two are up to..." Kierra said gesturing between me and Alex "Best not damage this tour, or the band as a whole"

I put my hands up in surrender and Alex was unable to give her more than a bored glance. "I fuck things up by nature, he just uses that to his advantage" 

"Yeah...but like, in a professional way" Alex reassured her. "Nothing bad is going happen because of this" 

Sadly the neon sign that read **WRONG!!!** was only visible in my own head. 

_Dear David, he seems to be a lot less, defensive when he's fucked on drugs. I don't think that's a battle tactic that I'll continue with, it was just an experiment. We kind of what out earlier, in a strange mutual hating pact way. Of all the people you had to choose, why was it someone with shit taste in films?_


	12. How To Evade Responsibility Whilst Practising Narcissism: A TedTalk By David

❝ _D is for delightful_  
_And try and keep your trousers on_  
_I think you should know you're his favorite worst nightmare_ ❞

*✭˚

  
That cat wanted to kill me.

If it could it would, it just sat there, in the middle of the pavement glaring at me with it's demon eyes and scowl beneath all that fluff. It looked cute from the distance but when I walked closer towards it, the little devil hissed at me.

I know it was really random but that's just the way my paranoid thoughts work, put me on the spot and it'll spurt out the last thing it was scared of,. It was one of the roots of my school nightmares, as you can imagine, I was the worst to be picked on by teachers.

My plan of escape was simple enough, which was slightly disappointing due to the sheer amount of time I spent crafting it. I would throw my coffee in the other direction to distract it and run in the opposite direction, littering was bad I know, but a desperate measure was needed for the greater good. It was a large step for the vulnerable.

However, as most things in life, it didn't go exactly as I planned in a minute, instead as my aim was laughably bad, I ended up hitting the cat with the coffee and had to run away from a very angry cat owner.

I had walked from the hotel to recording studio everyday this week, and never had it made it's presence notable before. Alex Turner would be jealous, there was someone else who wanted to kill me.

The near death experience of the start of the morning should've been a sign really, as by the time I joined the others, the room had lapsed into a spindle of chaos, with piles of arcticle, paper work and sheet music everywhere.

Well the sheet music was thanks to Jamie and Matt who were making paper planes out of some of them, just to add their own contribution to the disorder. I guess this was the consequences of being late.

"Over my dead body" Jordan claimed bodly, resting his hands on the very limited space on the table.

"I'm sure that can be arranged" Kierra mumbled, pacing up and down the room replacing and collecting different files.

"Rue...thank fuck" Jordan said "Tell her there is no way we can let the Daily Mail do interviews"

"As much as I'd hate to disagree with you love" I said, passing Kierra a cup of coffee, one that I didn't assult a cat with. "Jordan's right...it's immoral to let Murdock profit of them, so Daily Mail, Sun all of that lot is off limits"

"Where have you been?" Jamie asked as I passed him a pack of biscuits that I bought on the way here as he called me at 2am because he was having a food craving but couldn't be arsed to get out of bed. I said I wouldn't leave my bed either but promised to buy him some in the morning. Rockstars.

"A cat tried to kill me" I said and I could _feel_ Alex roll his eyes.

Kierra thought for a moment. "I guess you're right about tha mail, how about the BBC?Broadcasting system, not allowed to have political preference" She said and Matt choked on his coffee.

"Not after last time...Al wouldn't stop flirting with the journalist" Matt laughed.

Alex shrugged, not really making his pressence known until this moment, giving us all a bored expression. "It didn't work" He said and Jamie laughed, hiding it as a cough when Nick nudged him.

"Also...Jordan got us both banned from Good Morning Britain and he now has a restraining order from Philip Scofield" I added "So that's not on"

"We can't go with just your interviews" Kierra said. "NME and Radio X is out of the question...suppose Absolute Radio should be fine" and without any protest that was confirmed.

" ITV love bands, and 4od" Jordan said.

"'Rigt, that'll be settle then, wouldn't it" Kierra said, looking conflicted between her computer at the files in her hands. "I'll best be off then to call them...you's all get ready, you've got interviews with Rue and Jordan" She gestured to the monkeys, causing them to all groan.

"Oi, quite yer wingeing" She said, not even looking up from her papers. "Or you can go through paperwork with me" She disappeared out of the room.

Me and Jordan turned to face the Monkeys. "Don't look at us like that Nick, we're hired here for a reason, not just to fuck around" I said and he laughed.

"We don't like doing these either, but we have a method to make this as least painful as we can, and with minimal faffing around" Jordan said "It's worked well so far"

"Apart from with Franz the Ferdinand incident...but we don't talk about that" I added and Jordan grinned.

"You've got one all together, and yes you all have to contribute..." Jordan said, particulary looking at Jamie and Nick who looked like he had threatened to kill them instead.

"Then you can either do pairs or individual we ain't really bothered" I explained. "Any questions?" Jamie instantly but his hand up, like he was back in Primary.

"Do you to share a brain unit, or do you rehearse so you can finish each other's sentences?" He asked and I smirked.

"I'll let you figure that out, you can all get lunch before we do this, see you in about twenty" I said, causing them all to cheer, but Alex who would never celebrate anything I said...unless it was my resignation.

He was the also the only one who stayed behind and I pressumed he wasn't planning on helping tidy. I gave a quick glance to Jordan who left the room. "What do you want?" I asked, "Or are you just practising brooding to be difficult to get to answer questions?"

He smiled. "I'm not answering any questions...remember?"He asked and I raised my eyebrow.

"You have to know that even if I do listen to anything you say...my brain naturally represses it, so there will be no cognitive consequences" I said, gesturing with my hands.

"Minimal insults" He clicked his fingers and I smirked.

"Regulary as well" I said "So why are you being a melt this time? I'm too knackered for this"

"I said I wouldn't comply until you told me your real name" He said and I groaned.

"You'll never know" I pressed, assertive. "I promise you, it isn't worth it"

"I'm curious" He said, with a smirk. "Whatever you're protective over, is never good"

"Say that again" I challenged and he put his hands up in surrender. "How about...I give you summat else instead?" And I tell you, if he had some form of animal ears on the top of his head, they would've perked up at that.

"I'm listening" He said and I sighed.

"Try for summat else, summat less destructive" I said "What do you want to know?"

"What did your brother do?" He asked and I scowled at him.

"Wrong question" I said simply.

"Fine..erm, how about who is that Michael guy who isn't your boyfriend but basically is?" He said and I raised my eyebrow. "Ok, wrong question again...everything can't be off limits that's not fair"

"Life's not fair, that's why both of us are in the same room" I said "How about embarassing stories?" He shook his head. "What my partially deaf Grandad thought my name was?" He raised his eyebrow, still not impressed.

"Art of the deal, nothing you say will-"

"I was shot once" I said with a bored tone and his smirk fell.

"I'll take that" He said, and I bit my tongue. That was personal, but wasn't enough to give away anything. That wasn't to do with anyone else, that was to do with me for once.

"We do a lot of shit abroad, in the East, in South America, on the gangs in the North here...big companies are always the most dangerous of them, if they find you snooping around...you're dead" I explained. "It's why I'm here doing this shit with you lot now instead"

"That doesn't tell me much, how am I supposed to believe that?" He said and I raised my eyebrow."Do you have a scar?"

"Yes" I said. "And no you can't see" I added and he folded his arms, sighing in disappointment.

"Then I won't believe you" He said, as a mtter of fact and I shrugged.

"That's your problem" I said, "Is that enough for you...are you going to do the interview now or are you going to be mardy about it?"

He hesistated, in some form of conlfict of whether or not he could try and get more out of it. "Yes, but I'll just be like I normally am"

"Pretending to be high with a speach impendement?" I suggested and his smirk fell. "You're not good at this media game without me"

"I am, I have plenty of tricks up me sleeve" He challeneged and I raised my eyebrow. "You'll see"

"It's easier for you to just comply, or we'll be here forever. I want to go for a drink after this" I said and he sighed reluctantly.

"I'll tell you what...since I'm still not sold, I'll behave if I get to see the scar" He said, and I tried not to laugh at him.

"I'm not stripping for you, nonce" I said and he rolled his eyes.

"You know that's not what I meant, for once, maybe I'll know if what you say really is true...if any of you is actually real" He said, leaning forward on the table, meeting my gaze in a sort of lowered frequency, and I swear, everything was suddenly dark.

"Fine" I muttered reluctantly. _Progress both ways I guess, David would be happy._ "Fuck, I hate you so much"

"Sure you do, on with the interview then?" He mused, grinning, like he always did when he managed to crawl beneath my skin and irritate me.

**ᴬᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵃⁿ ʰᵒᵘʳ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʷᵃˢ ˢᵒ ᵈᵘˡˡ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᴵ'ᵛᵉ ʳᵉᵖʳᵉˢˢᵉᵈ ⁱᵗ, ˢᵒ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵃˢᵏᵉᵈ ᵐᵉ ʷʰᵃᵗ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᵉᵈ...**

The worst thing about interviews was that, even though you knew, you knew that there would be an end and they weren't infinite, that outcome seemed increasingly unlikely. 

When we were finally released from that horror, I was half attempted to quit my job and join a boy band or something with Jordan, for vengeance and shit. 

Since 'Fuck, we survived the only form of effective torture left in the world, aka the reason for my alcoholism' was a little too long for a toast, or to fit on t-shirts, we went to the pub that evening under the cloak of last drink before their first performance, which was ironically for the BBC tomorrow. 

Which was a shame really, I was a little unsure or whether I was able to go, _fucking Jordan._

The chaos that seemed to have clung onto this day, still hadn't left apparently. 

By the time, I had arrived with Jordan, Matt was annoying Nick by requesting songs he hated and Jamie was dancing happily to all of the shit music, with a lass, who I could only presume was Katie, who was the main feature in the many of the photo albums he made me set through the other day. 

  
Kierra was deep in a conversation with people who I hadn't met before, but she seemed to know and be friends with everyone. "Oh look, it's the leader of Fight Club" Dan said with a grin when I walked towards the bar.

"Very funny" I said, sitting down next to Jordan who gave me a confused look, I just waved him off assuring him I would explain later. 

"All seriousness, you best not be starting any revolts again" He said, pouring us some drinks. "I were worried you were going to banjo me in the gob"

Jordan raised his eyebrow "You're a brummie?" He asked and Dan nodded, passing someone a bottle of whisky.

"Yeah, I thought it were obvious" He laughed, "Anyway, there's that Rockstar lad, he's 'bout to order, do you want me to get rid of him?"

"Nah, I 'm alright, ta though" I said and he gave me a small nod, moving across the bar to talk to Kierra, Alex leaned against he bar next to me, a small smirk always included apparently. "Can I 'elp you?"

He hummed "Yeah, I complied, so you owe me now" He reminded me and I sighed heavily, he ordered himself a drink, paying for me and Jordan's for some reason as well. I guess he too wasn't interested in a bar fight. Spending too much time in America, melt. 

Before I could answer, Nick joined us, looking defeated where as Matt looked incredibly pleased with himself. "I couldn't stop him...Cookeh's got the karaoke machine, Matt was encouraging him so that didn't help" He said trying not to laugh as the microphone squeaked.

"Just to clarify, how much has he had to drink?" Dan asked leaning across the counter. 

"Five pints" Alex said, laughing as quietly as he could.

"Right, well this should be interesting" He said with a huge grin on his face.

"iMaGiNe tHeRe's No cOuNtRiEs, It IsN't hArD tO doO.." He began singing terribly,I think purposefully to embarrass Katie who he had his arm around. "nOtHiNg To KiLl oR dIe FoR

aNd No rElIgIoN, tOoOoO"

Katie looked like she was about to die, and for some reason, as some form of character trait of an angel, Jordan decided to save her. _" Imagine all the people, living life in peace"_ He began, loudly, making I contact with me, I rolled my eyes but I knew I couldn't abandon him, joining in with in that post drinks, talky singing thing we do, _"You, you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one"_

By this point, Alex and Dan's contribution motivated Matt and Nick and then everyone started to join in, Katie looked revealed and joined in as well. Jamie looked annoyed at first, when he realized he could no longer embarrass his wife, but seemed to enjoy himself when he joined in with everyone else. _"I hope someday you will join us and the world will be as one"_

Alex looked relaxed and actually...happy, which I had never really seen before, only when he was high, it was something that seemed so unnatural, but something that shouldn't be. But in the way that the world works, songs ends, and so do any moments within it. And that silence, silence after the end of a song, nothingness was the only place that David seemed to make his pressence. 

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked, lowering my voice, "You were literally only here on the Wednesday"

He looked distracted, looking around him carefully "I'm not here for you, I was already in town because of-" As if on cue, a slightly taller bloke, who still wasn't taller than me walked up the bar, sneering a litte in his expensive tight suit that really, showed the figure of his beer belly. I instantly scowled and Jordan nearly dropped his drink. 

"I'm not sure why you brought me here lad" He said, unable to look any of us in the eye for some reason. "I wanted a drink, not to donate to charity, deaf as well as terrible management skills, how do you do it?" David rolled his eyes.

If anyone, anyone in this world was worse than David, it was David's dad. He was an actual life peer for the Tories, and owned the entire company, several tabloids, and had about six sexual harassment cases against him. 

"It's a called a pub, Dad, and watch your mouth here, everyone likes a bar fight" David said, giving me a pained look and I stuck my middle finger up at him with a bored expression. He seemed to have forgotten who was blackmailing who at this point. 

"Oh watch your tone, no wonder your newspaper is failing..."He began, looking like he was about to rant about something until his gaze met me and Jordan's. 

"We're working on that, these two are doing a huge article on one of the most popular bands-" He tried to protest but he was instantly cut off. 

"You don't have to say more...I understand why know I suppose" He sneered at us "Hiring these sort of people..." I nearly punched him, then and there, but although I was all for bullying David, getting fired wasn't something I was going for. I didn't have to because that seemed to cause a little bit of tension in the room.

"Woah, woah" Jordan said, as Jamie and Matt stood up, looking like they were going to murder him, they might of done if Jordan hadn't stopped them with his arm. "Watch yourself mate" He warned but the bastard didn't seem affected whatsoever.

Nick just looked completely baffled about the entire situation, holding onto his drink tightly, trying to stop himself from throwing at him. 

"There's no problem here" David's dad assured Dan who looked incredibly uncomfortable "I'm just demonstrating to my son why we keep our jobs away from benefit scrounge-"

"Oh you've done it now, mate" Alex said, Kierra looked startled, attempting to stop him but it was already too late, no one had time to figure out what was going on until after Alex's fist had collided with the bastard's face, knocking him to the floor, followed by Matt instantly throwing his drink at him. 

David looked even more shocked than the rest of us, jumping out of his stool to try and pull the heavy man up, both Nick and Kierra had restrain from attacking again. "Are you mental?" He asked as he got to his face, wiping the blood off of his face. As you can imagine that riled all of us more.

"You're dead!" Alex shouted at him. Hitting him again, but this time, the bastard hit back, smashing his head in. We all winced. Before Alex could get another hit he was dragged away by Matt.

"Everyone pack it in" I said, looking between the two of them. "Just get the fuck out of here" I looked at both David and the man who summoned him. 

The bastard looked at us all, disgusted "This is why..."He began, gesturing between all of us, his gaze ending on David. "This is why you're a failure kid" He left the pub in a tantrum.

David looked a little taken back, from the events that had occured. He looked at me. "You're going to fix this" He growled angrily. "You're not getting out of this, this time it's not just your fucked up family on the line" He gestured to Jordan, and I bit my tongue, scowling at him. "You're both going down now"

I think it was safe to say, that things were a lot more fucked then they were before. 

_Dear David, go fuck yourself._  
  



	13. Things Historians Pretend Aren't Gay :  Let's Go Lesbians, Let's Go

❝ _In my bones, I can feel it in my bones_  
 _In a way that I've never felt before_  
 _I just can't stop from wondering where you are_  
 _How's it for you, baby?_ ❞

*✭˚

  
"Hold still" Kierra hissed as she placed a cold compress, soaked in Jack Daniels on Alex's forehead. Which was strange, as the hotel probably had a first aid kit. I guess she forgot to mention to anyone that she was a Primary school dinner lady in her past life.

Broken arm? Cold compress. Cancer? Cold compress. Getting in a fight with a bigot who's twice you age and weight...you guessed it, you're getting a fucking cold compress.

"I am, ow" He complained as she tried to and I quote 'burn off his scalp'.

"Quit yer wingeing" She said, turning his face by his cheek so she could clear up the blood beneath his eye. "You can't be pissed at me...I'm pissed at you"

"Why are you pissed at me again?" He asked and she wacked his shoulder with her hand shoulder.

"You got us all in serious trouble Al..." Kierra said, passing him the bottle so he could drink it.

"The bastard deserved it though" Nick said, looking towards me, I shook my head and he looked back towards Al. "What he said were out of order"

"I know what he said" Kierra said, sighing heavily, resting her hands on Alex's shoudlers, hesistant. "But that wasn't just any stupid cunt, we all can get fucked for this, he owns like five tabloids. And as much as you guys may hate to think, the media has a huge influence on your career, we don't need a scandal before you're on air with the BBC tommorow"

She looked, so tired. It was distressing, that she worked so hard for these lads, overworked, and I almost fucked everything she had built. There was a reason why I chose a name that meant regret.

"You know if he didn't do it, we would've" Matt said softly, "Anyone would, he was already attracting attention, Dan looked like he was going to kill him"

For someone who was so, determined earlier, Alex couldn't find anything, to help him look me in the eyes. I avoided everyone's gaze, if it was up to me, I would've run long ago, but Jordan made me stay.

"That's not the point" Kierra said. "Right and wrong isn't in play here, not everyone has a loyal fanbase who'll stick through scandals. Jordan and Rue could lose their jobs"

"This may not be as fucked as it seems" Jamie tried. "Please just say summat Rue"

The sudden attention caused me to fall out of my daydreams, into the sad consequences of reality. _It doesn't matter, it isn't real._ "It's alright, we're not going to lose our jobs" _Nothing ever was._

"David isn't going to fire us" Jordan assured them. "He hates us, but we're the best he's got"

Kierra sighed, standing up. "Right I best be off, I have to clean up this mess, you two aren't getting in trouble for this" She said, gesturing between me and Jordan.

I stopped her, holding onto her arm. "You don't have to..." I pressed and she gave me a small smile. "It's difficult for me to owe people like that"

"It's the least I can do, and you can fix him up to help your conscious, if not don't worry about...he'll live" She said, "The rest of you, off to bed, got to be up early in the morning" she added, earning a few groans.

Jamie, Nick and Matt had all somehow made a strange pact to give me a hug before leaving the room, which they had never done before. I'm not sure if that meant that bar fights was an intiation into their friendship.

"I think I'm going to leave too" Jordan, and I frowned, that was a first. "Your sister texted, apparently she's made some progress and may have summat on David...I'm banned from the BBC anyway"

"When will you be back?" I asked, trying to hide the panic in my voice.

"Soon enough" He said wrapping his arms around me.

"Don't leave" I whispered and I felt his heart sink further into his chest. "I can't do this without you"

"You can...trust me, remember we're basically the same person" He smiled, as he released me from his embrace, resting his hands on my shoulders. "Just have a little faith in summat"

"What do I have do believe in?" I asked.

"You'll figure it out someday" He said with a smirk, pecking my cheek before running out the door...because that lad had way too much energy for his own good.

I sighed, tilting my head back momentarily before walking over to Alex, who was leaning against the wall, with his drink, seeming pleased with life. "You two are always so dramatic" He said as I crouched in front of him.

I smirked. "What can I say? My life's a shitty loe budget show on Netflix, amd we're on like season five where the writers are making up dumb shit to keep the plot interesting...but it doesn't make any sense to anyone" I said, standing up to get more paper towels before crouching infront of him again.

"Eh, it's too bad, I's say about four stars out of five" He said and I raised my eyebrow. "Disaster seems to be a chain reaction from you, it's problematic but entertaining, I suppose"

"I'll take that" I muttered, leaning his head back a bit as I pressed the cold compress deep in the cut beneath his eye. The story of how I became what I hated the most.

"Ow, that hurts" He complained and a small smile slipped through my lips.

"Good" I said, grazing his cheek with the alochol.

"You're not seriously pissed at me, are you?" He asked, hissing at the pain a little.

"I always will be" I said. "But I'm more confused, at where you source your motives"

He sighed. "Don't sound so surprised, I may not like you, but I hated him more" He said, and I let go of his face, leaning back and sitting on the floor, some form of protest I guess until he confessed. "I guess to me, it seemed like he was the source of the pain, the big face of the media, the person who broke everything"

I raised my eyebrow, hugging my knees to my chest. "Too much?" He mused and I nodded, he sighed reluctantly. "Fine, maybe I couldn't tolerate the way he was...just talking to you, looking at you like you were beneath him. Which was so stupid, because he didn't know you, I may not like you, but I'm intriuged by you, the devil with the wonderous mind, mysterious and cunning. He was wrong, you weren't beneath him. I hate racists and I hate bigots, people who think that money means anything more than greed"

"I know you're not a bad person" I said, sitting up so I could finish cleaning up the blood that dripped from his chin. "Neither is he, I guess. You treated it objectively"

"How can you say that?" He lowered his voice, sounding genuienly confused. "You can't hate people who you don't find bad, that's not how it works"

I shook my head, trying to hide my smile. "I can't think like that, I don't hate people, I just disagree with them. I'm the worst person I know, my own nightmare. If I end up thinking like them, hating, I'll become them. We don't choose how we're brought up, whether we choose to change is a completely different story"

"Like David? His daddy issues kind of explain why he's such a cunt" He said "Everything happens for a reason, and we are who we are for that reason"

I dropped the paper towel that was in my hand, he smirked at this. "Your words haunt me" He said simply. "It's what makes you so infuriating"

I sighed, biting my lip nervously. "Look, what you did were stupid, it's not like I'm not grateful...part of me is, know that" I explained, resting my hand on his shoulder, so his gaze wouldn't drift from mine. "I just can't...I just can't have people fighting my battles like that, it never ends well.Trust me"

"How can I trust someone who doesn't exist?" He challenged, with a smirk, I sighed.

"I'm not an hallucination" I assured him, I took my coat off. "But I can't tell you what's real anymore, I'm not sure if I exist" I took my jacket off.

He looked a little confused at first, and for a moment, just one moment, because nothing should ever fall without a moment, a shiver crawled beneath his chest. But he pretended it never happened when he remembered. I took my hoodie off. "You wear way too many layers" He laughed and I rolled my eyes.

"No I don't" I protested, "It's autumn, it's cold out, I don't want to freeze to death"

He laughed softly, even though it looked as though it hurt his face. "Why do you wear two jumpers?" He teased, tucking at the hem of my second jumper, I hit his hand away.

"I'm a cold person" I lied, "And you never know when you may be stuck in a snowstorm" I removed my second jumper.

"We both know that you're not the kind to plan in advance, if it isn't a plot, you're not mature enough fotlr that" He said and I stuck my tongue out at him. I pulled my shirt of the top of my head, exposing my damaged skin.

"Shit" He breathed. I pushed my hair out of the way, letting the mangled  
scars threaded through every fibre of my skin, more or less, like fire. "Erm, can I...?"

I hesistated, but nodded, His curiousity got the better of him, the tip of his touch drifted across the surface of them, my heartbeat fighting the nervous swirls that braided in my stomach, crawling up to my shoulders.

Everything ached like a ghostly echo of the memories that did this so long go. "Who did this?" He asked, resting his palm on the bullet scar. "Why? How?"

I sighed heavily, his gaze an unbearable weight on mine. "You only get one question, it's all a complicated mess"

He thought for a moment, his eyebrows knitting together, like they did everytime he was seemingly deep in thought. "Why?" He asked.

"A lot of journalists get in trouble with those with power, usually somewhere like America where you can shoot peope..." I explained. "This was from the Maltby riots, everything always is, do you remember them?"

"The council had completely ditched the place the year before, gangs and shit ran out of resources and there were nothing left?" He tried and I nodded. "You don't live Maltby"

"Jordan did" I said "And people were dying, and started rioting for change, they needed the media coverage, so we all went over to do that...didn't exactly go to plan, they may not be legal but when theirs drugs and gang involved they always find a way to find those little guns, like one that's older than both of us"

"Yeah I know...wait, are you younger than me?" He asked, sounding a little surprised.

"You're like two years older than me" I said "That's what makes you a nonce"

"Fuck off...wait you're trying to change the subject, you still haven't explained how it happened" He said, leaning forward a little.

I rolled my eyes. "Use your imagination, you don't fight back against the northern gangs, you don't tell them they have no use if they have no resources and you don't try and stop them from attacking people who say that..." I explained.

"Oh..." He muttered. "Well I'm going to repress that, I can't be getting the idea that you're a good person or shit...that'll be problematic" He laughed and I smiled.

"Don't worry I'm not, you can continue your journalist-facism" I said and he hit my shoulder, until he realized that probably wasn't the best idea, as you know, I wasn't wearing a shirt. I quickly pulled my top over my head, and put my biggest jacket over the top.

"Is that a petty attempt to prove you don't wear too many layers?" He mused and I rolled my eyes. He picked up one of my jumpers. "I think the problem is, none of these are thick enough to give you any warmth, you need a good coat or hoodie"

"Well thanks, mum" I said "But, I can't be spending eighty quid on quality coats, it's cheaper to look like I still live with a overprotective mother"

He sighed, standing up, opening the wardrobe. I scowled, it wasn't fair that in his room he could take the hangers off of the rail, and in mine I couldn't. I was too busy have a momental pity party that I was taken completelty off guard when he threw a jacket at me.

I caught it and studied it carefully. "It Jamie's, don't worry, it won't kill you" He said, walking back over to me and sitting on his bed. "It'll keep you warm, so you hands aren't so cold next time you fix someone else's face up after a fight"

"Haha" I muttered "Do you always nick Jamie's clothes?"

He grinned. "I'm never prepeared for the weather out, it's a curse, I never wrap up warm" He said "Maybe now I won't have to here you complaining"

"Or maybe you will"I said, slipping my arms through the slightly too big sleeves. "I'm hungry, I spent my lunch break setting up for the interviews"

"Of course you did" He muttered, a little annoyed. "Where are you going now?"

"To get food" I said walking out of the room. He followed me for some reasom, and I'm not sure if he locked the door or not.

"Nowhere is going to be open" He said, running almost to catch up with me. "I don't fancy going to a pub again"

"Who said you were invited?" I smirked and he rolled his eyes, we turned the corner, making our way to the staircase, because a strange fact about me was that I hated lifts...always scared that the doors would hit me when I walked in them.

"You owe me" He stated, I sighed, sitting on the bannister sliding down. He hesistated for a moment, but decided to use the bannister to jump down the staircase because everything was a competition with him. 

"That's not how I remember things" I said, we walked through the lobby, I tried not to bring much attention to myself, especially not by the really pretty receptionist who always smiled at me, and everyone I guess. "I'm the one helping you with the media"

"Yeah so I won't pry into your life it was a deal" He said, stopping to face me, he lowered "Can you just admit that I saved you and you owe me, just for the sake of the gorgeous recpetionist?"

I wacked his arm. "Hey no, I need to stand up against you so she'll think I'm enpowering" I said and he laughed.

"Fine, whatever" He said "Where are we going for food?"

I swung my arms a little as I soun around, the end of the long sleeves wrapping around my hands. "You'll see and just trust me"

He rolled his eyes, shaking his head slightly as if to say 'I have too much self respect to do that' but gave in anyway, let himself follow me into the back of the hotel, into the kitchens, which was surprisingly easy to sneak into. Take if that what you will.

"This was your great plan?" He asked cynically, as I shut the door behind me, the last flicker of light from the hallway fades, darkness falls over it like a velvet blanket and all that’s left is the cooker clock, that throws subtle green beams across the polished floor, reflecting in some of the glass

"Yup" I said, opening the fridge to study it's contents. "Do you know how to cook?"

"I couldn't be friends with Matt for this long if I couldn't" He smirked, which was so obvious in the darkness,  
swirling mist with soft blurred edges. But it was a sixth sense.

He began scouting the cupboards, picking out basic stuff that people cook with. Neither of us were on the tall side, so to reach the stuff on the top shelf I had to sit on his shoulder again. But we don't talk about. My very own version of kitchen nightmares.

He was in his own little world, concentrating as he whisked and measured, as if he was scared that Matt would jump out from the ceiling or something and hit him round the head with a wooden spoon if he didn't get this right. "You going to help?"

"It be best for both of us if I didn't" I said, dipping my finger in the mix and tasting it. He wacked my hand away.

"Stop that" He said and I grinned, doing it again. "What are you the arsonist type or summat?"

I raised my eyebrow and he tried to supress a smile, but slipped through anyway. "Pass me some more flour" He said.

I sighed, dumping the flour bag next to him, accidently creating some form of flour volcano, a cloud of flour rising to meet him like a nuclear blast. He blinked a couple of times. "It was an accident, I swear" I said, putting my hands up in surrender, he sighed. He walked around me, presumably to clean up the flour. But instead I was left with a mountain of flour falling down my face.

"Oops" He said sarcastically before returning back to his side with another smirk on his face.

Our eyes met and I gave him a challenging glance, which he accepted. There was a moment of silence as we both wondered who was going to dare to make the first move.

I was quick to move and grabbed the flour bag and threw it at his face before trying to escape the crime scene.

But I didn't get too far as he managed to flick some back and began to chase me with the whole bowl of batter. Matt would murder him if he saw that.

I had nearly escaped the kitchen by the time he had thrown the bowl over my head. I groaned with disgust but couldn't stop laughing at the same time and when I tried to turn around and throw some batter on him, I slipped on the floor batter, dragging him down with me. We both ended up in a fit of laughter and he kept flicking batter on my face.

Another moment, and the moments before are nothing, we both forgot who we were and this wasn't what we did. Alex managed to save some batter, and didn't waste all of it by throwing it over me and managed to cook a few small pancakes.

I made it up for it, by convering them in a mountain of sweets and chocolate and it ended up looking like afinal boss in some sort of Candy Crush video game. "You're running it" He said and I rolled my eyes. "Why would you do that?"

"I never got much of this shit when I was a kid, so I'm making up for it" I shrugged, , dipping a marshmallow in the whipped cream "It’s reckless"

"It’s a fun trip to diabetes town" He said and I grinned as I threw a mini Oreo in the air which obviously missed my mouth and hit my eye.

"Does this mean we're even?" I asked and he knitted his eyebrows together, confused. "For the fight?"

"I did all the work" He protested "And now I have flour in places I didn't know I had...it doesn't matter, if you owe me it means I'm going to have to be seeing more of you"

"Fair" I muttered, eating another Malteaser. "I've got to ask, how do you convince yourself every morning thag you hate me?"

"I _do_ hate you" He assured me and I smirked.

"Sure you do" I said and he rolled his eyes.

"I can't take you seriously like that Poirot" He laughed and I looked at my reflection, before pretending to groom the cream moustache I had.

"You’re just jealous" I said "That you’ll never be able to achieve this look"

"Psst, how dare you, mine's better" He said, using his finger to add his own, put completely missed and ended up accidently inhaling it and the cream to drip down his chin.

There were a few footsteps, and the sound of voices getting louder outside the door. "Ok, that'll be us done" He said, quickly standing up from the table and beginning the leave, I followed him, but went back to take the pancakes with me quickly. "You're insufferiable" He said dragging me back with him before we climbed out the window.

"Sure I am" I muttered.

_Dear David, you're the expert of hating people without reason, do you spend most of your time with the people you hate? Maybe Alex Turner just works in strange ways. I'll get back to you on that. I just had the random urge to sign my name at the bottom of the page...is that something that we should start doing, to reach the next stage in our relationship? Maybe you could let me know._

_Yours hatefully, Rue x_


	14. There's Somebody At The Door, Oh There's Somebody At The Door...It's Betrayal

_❝_ _Drug lust and two packets in your pocket_   
_Clear score, dust hits your nose like a rocket_ _❞_

*✭˚

  
Let me make this perfectly clear...this wasn't my fault.

Well at least, that was what I told myself initally, like I said, I am not a reliable narrator. You don't know what's real.

The only explanation that I had was that the universe was fucking with me, which was stupid I know...I wasn't that important, they didn't even know I existed.

I don't know if I was pissed or impressed by the BBC. Preventing me from entering places was probably the best idea anyone had...stopping problems before they occured and shit. But then again, as I tried to explain to Matt, that if I was banned...by the BBC, _the BBC_ of all places, then I must of done something really bad. Matt wasn't having any of it.

"You're not missing out...not on my watch Rue" Matt insisted, folding his arms. "And you should be wearing a coat"

"I am" I said, stretching my arms out to present Jamie's baggy hoodie jacket that slung losely over me.

"You know that doesn't count" He said firmly and I rolled my eyes, trying not to smile.

"You ain't me mam, it ain't your job to pretend to care" I teased and he pretended to look offended, placing a hand to his chest.

"How dare you" He gasped "Put a coat on and make sure you go to the loo before we go" He added and I snorted as I laughed.

"Fuck you" I said, placing my hands back in my pockets, swing them slightly. "Besides, I step two feet in that place, security will have me in no time"

"Nah, I'd bet we could get you in easily" Nick said, grinning as he stirred his tea-bag in his mug. "Sneak mode"

"Oo, we can make you a disguise" Jamie said, with a huge smile. "Finally, all my intense heist film binging has a purpose"

"Yeah we could do that easily" Nick said, thinking for a moment as if to be serious. I smirked.

"If you some how manage to pull that off Nicky, I'll personally worship you" I laughed and he grinned.

"Challenge accepted" He said. Before I could question this, or evaluate what just happened, Kierra appeared, carrying huge boxes of paperwork.

"Woah, did you get us presents?" Jamie asked, opening one of the boxes. "You shouldn't 'ave"

"No, it's prepartion for today's interview, what to say if, and they will ask about everything that's happened" She explained as the lads began to flick through the carefully labelled booklets she made...and honestly it gave me PTSD flashback from GCSE year. There was an index page and everything. "From the vandialsim, to the fight, editing of newpapers, Matt's fish...and Rue"

"Shit..." Alex said, dropping the booklet on top of the box, it making a huge bang sound as he did so, we all winced. "I love you Kierra...but, how am I suppose to remember any of this, you know how I am with this shit?"

Before she could answer, I did. "What did you mean by me...you said they'd ask questions about me, that's not the sort of shit they usually do, they don't care about other journalists"

Kierra sighed. "You haven't seen?"She asked, I shook my head and she took out her phone revealing a Telegraph arcticle...all of all things. "You know how they are, you two were seen around together a lot, recent break up, they draw their own conclusions. Fans already have their opinion on you"

I stared at the article, of course they had to take a picture of me, mid sneeze. "Not an isolated incident...?"I suggested and she nodded. "Brilliant...I'm fucked"

Jamie laughed. "Ha, guess they didn't get the fact that you both want to kill each other?"

"No, but looks like everyone's interested in a background check on Rue" Kierra said, her gaze resting in a slightly intimidating matter on me. "They're all already conflicted about you, apparently things don't add up"

"When do they ever?" Alex blurted out quickly and we all stared at him, confused. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "I mean...the media never get it right, it'll be more difficult to stalk and destroy someone who isn't already a media personality. Maybe they like an idea of a mystety"

I glared at him, everything suddenly falling apart. I gave him a look that said ' _Why_?' and he just shrugged, barely acknownledging what just happened.

"Do you think Sofía will see?"Jamie asked, and judging by the way Matt nudged him and Nick shushed him it was something they were all wondering but didn't want to say out loud. "Maybe she'll get jealous and come ba-" He said, Matt and Nick both cut him off by placing their hands over his mouth.

"Or you know be even more devestated" Kierra said softly, giving a sympathetic look to Alex who seemed taken off guard, and suddenly incredibly vunerable. Another moment arrives and leaves, but we don't.

"Yeah maybe..." He thought for a moment, looking down at the floor. "What should I do, if they do ask about her?"

He didn't look to Kierra this time, he looked up to me. I hesistated, swaying between my feet as I thought. "Summat subtle, I don't know, petty obviously as well, maybe divert attention as well, be like...'Well I got the dog, which is a huge finanical burden, I don't know maybe you can stalk it until it has clinical depression and has to be put down'" I suggested.

"That's fucked...you're so dark" He muttered, trying to hide a small smile that crept through his lips. "Lucky you can't come with"

"Not if Nick has anything to do with it" I said and Alex's grin fell. "Apparently we've got a mission to make sure I get in"

"Oh I didn't realise, but I thought you were reckless enough to do that on your own" He said and I rolled my eyes.

"I've tried that...if I can't do it, I doubt Nick can" I pressed and he raised his eyebrows.

"I'll hold you to that" Nick declared, looking at Jamie with a grin, that probably was the trigger of the lowest point in my life. "I have an idea..."

"Don't say makeover montage-" I began.

"Get your cheesiest music, we're doing a makeover montage"

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ʷᵃʳᵈʳᵒᵇᵉ ᵐᵃˡᶠᵘⁿᶜᵗⁱᵒⁿˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"Nick, humanity would have to be clincially stupid for this to work" I said cynically, lifting my arms up in the too big leather jacket. 

"That's why it will work...you look like the secret fifth member of the band" He said "Give us a spin" He laughed and I flipped him off, turning around reluctantly. 

"This is so stupid"I muttered, lowering my sunglasses a little, so you know...I could see. "Why are these jeans so tight?" I moved my legs around a bit. 

"Rock N'Roll apparently"Jamie muttered. "Come on, let's go, you've got a bet to loose"

Keeping my head low for this to work, meant that I had to trust Kierra and Matt to be eyes and I tell you that didn't really compliment by crushing trust issues. We were only a little late, as Jamie needed to toilet on the way there and we had to stop at a service station, which annoyed Matt, who told him he 'should've gone before you left'.

The limited time period meant that the Monkeys were quickly pushed into the studio, with me and Kierra given no less than a second glance. We waited outside the studio in a strange meeting room, well Kierra did, I got bored easily and wondered off, hoping to see whag was going on in the interview.

I leaned against the wall, looking in the window a little, like a self-actualised nonce. Luckily the room wasn't sound proof.

"So back onto what's changed since the last album, new hair, new outfitd but also...Alex, you've also had a recent break up with model,  
intersectional feminist and activist, Sofía Ramos, will we be seeing the influence of that within the new album?" The journalist asked, I winced, biting my tongue, trying not to cringe outloud. I knew that must've been on his notes to cover, but even I knew you had to be more subtle than that.

I looked back through the window and Alex's gaze meant mine, worried. I raised my eyebrows, in some sort of challenging gesture I guess. He cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "I'm not sure, how would you narrow media harassment and bias in song lyrics?"

Ok, not bad, maybe alright for a beginner. This must've taken the journalist by surprise, because he didn't speak for a while, causing the camera man to call a cut and bring the interview to a close. Ok, not bad, not bad at all.

Kierra looked confused when we all re-united in the corridor, but as soon as we were left alone and Nick, Jamie and Matt started laughing, she drew the correct conclusion. "You absolute mental knob" Matt laughed, wrapping his arm around Alex and ruffled his hair.

Alex rolled his eyes, but laughed anyway. "I think we can get a drink to celebrate" Alex said.

"Do you lads do o'wt that isn't getting pissed?" I asked, unlocking my phone to look at the several memes that Jordan had sent me.

"No-" Jamie began but was nudged by Alex.

"We do plenty of things..." He began to protest and I looked up from my screen to give him an unimpressed look.

"Mae one thing else you've done since you returned to Sheffield..." I began "That didn't involve me"

"That's not fair, we can be reckless"He said "And besides, you're not that reckless"

Before I could answer, a loud voice interupted us. "Yeah that's her over there, the one who let the cattle into the studio and nearly killed Philip Scofield" The security guard pointed at me and I rolled my eyes. _That was Jordan...I just drove the car into the building._

"Yeah we should go" Kierra said, but my thoughts were occupied, as I stared at the journalist, _fuck where do I know him from?_ Alex sighed, grabbing my arm and dragging me out of the building with him.

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᶜᵒᵐᵖˡⁱᵃⁿᵗˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵃⁿ ᵉˣⁱˢᵗᵉⁿᵗⁱᵃˡ ᶜʳⁱˢⁱˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"This was your great idea?" I asked cyncially as we walked through the building, the bass thunder through me, in time with my heart beat as though they were one, even before we had arrived into the room.

"Oh pipe down..." Alex muttered, concentrating on navigating through the dark corridors. "You're the one who said spending money was cheating, so yes we're sneaking into a club" 

"It'll be fun" Jamie said, "You'll be able to see me amazing dance moves"

"Already seen, got the tee-shirt and the the therapy" I said and he nudged me. 

Along the dark room hundreds of vibrant colours, illuminating with their flickering changes in shape. The light was cast every colour by the tinted panes. I was almost tempted to put my sunglasses, but chose better not to. 

I ordered a drink, because I felt awkward dancing without holding onto something. Kierra stayed at the bar, I sat next to her as we watched Nick and Jamie try to re-create Dirty Dancing again. 

She scowled at me as I inhaled a moment of euphoria, to make the even electric. The only way I could melt into the music, the lights, away from the darkness. "You shouldn't do drugs" She said and I sighed, finishing my drink. 

"More like I shouldn't have a reason to do so, but everything's fucked" I said. "Don't you like dancing?" I looked over to the dancefloor, where Matt was attempting a handstand. 

"That's not dancing. I love dancing, but not in public, I'd embarass myself" She said and I shook my head. 

"Nothing can be worse than them..." I said gesturing over to the Monkeys, Nick waved at me. "Except from Nick, he's a legend and brilliant at everything!" I shouted loudly over the music, Nick grinned. 

"What?" She asked.

"I said I'd have to worship him if he got me into the BBC...I didn't think that through" I said and he gave me a thumbs up which I returned. "But back to the point...trust me, I could embarass you even more" 

"Fine" She muttered, finishing her drink, letting my take her hand in mine and pull onto the dancefloor, just in time for Mr Brightside. 

"Ayeeeee" Matt cheered, causing them all to clap and cheer when we joined them, she rolled her eyes but took a bow. We began to jump around like idiots, barely hearing ourselves as we sung along to the lyrics, Jamie purposrfully getting them wrong to piss off Alex. 

  
With the eveing blending into swirls of laughter and terrible singing, swapping partners and swinging around, I eventually drifted into the same space as Alex and it was although all the darkness that burned through him had dissolved through his laughter as we spub each other round at the same time. Chaotic, that was it, that was the word.It was perfect chaos.

The colours that reflected from the streets outside moved together, perfectly, dimming out the world around us. But by the time the song has ended, all that spinning had finally caught up with Jamie, and he had to be taken to the bathrooms by Matt when he needed the throw up. 

And as Nick was laughing at her, Kierra made him go to the bathroom with him as well. "Ight, I best be off, some of us have to wake up early to fix up your mess tommorow" Kierra said, giving us a small hug. "I'm going to call a taxi" 

There was amoment of silence, well not silence as there was still music playing, even through the daze of the drugs it was still awkward. "You're a shit dancer" Alex said, surprising himself as he said that. 

"So sre you, me Nan dances better than you, she's dead" I said and he rolled his eyes. "And I'm not that bad" 

"You're high" He informed me and I shrugged. 

"Still better than you" I smirked, and he grinned. 

"Sure you are" He said, holding onto the end of my jacket and pulling me closer, "Prove it" He smirked. 

I placed my hands on his shoulders. "Oh I'd have to be a lot more fucked for that" I teased.

"Excuses, excuses" He said, tutting and I rolled my eyes, wrapping my hands around his neck. 

"Better?" I asked, swaying from side to side, slowly to the music. He hummed quietly in response, looking to the side, clearing his throat. 

His gaze met mine and suddenly, my mind wasn't safe anymore. The lights fell into a darker trance, everything wanted to disappear under his gaze, he became the Northern Lights. And everything around him radiadated beneath him: dry-ice smoke swirled an array of blues, acid greens, hot pinks and gold. 

With my head clouded, the only thought that broke me was the idea, that everything suddenly felt like a Lana Del Rey song. Ugh...that there, that was why I wrote cynical arcticles and not toxic romance novels. 

But like every moment, every moment that fell into and out of each other it had to end. I needed it to end, a familiar figure in the distance was too distracting. I needed to get out of here subtly and carefully. "Look Ru-" He began. 

"I need to go for a wee-wee!" I shouted a little too loudly, the bastard at the bar, that wasn't Dan, so was irrelevant to humanity, to give me a dirty look. Alex look startled but stepped back anyway, letting my go. 

I weaved in and out of the crowds, running to the back of the room, into the corner, the sudden breeze a relief from how fucking warm it was in there. I leaned against the wall, breathing heavily, I was losing it, I was going crazy. _He wasn't here, he wasn't here, it wasn't real, it wasn't real, it was just the drugs, just the-_

"Rue" He said, his voice sinking through my chest. I clowed my eyes, turning around.

"Michael..." I whispered, "This isn't real, you can't be here"

"I'm not a hallucination" He promised, "I know I shouldn't be here...but we've got a problem" 

"What sort of problem?" I asked and he sighed, walking closer to me, looking around him cautiously. 

"Someone's been talking" He began "Someone who knew my whereabouts, must've told David or simmat and I got caught up with a few enemies, I'm fine..." I pulled him under the light, inspecting the deep cut across under his cheek. 

"Who?" I said "No one else knew you were going down there, obviously I would never, Tom couldn't even if he wanted to..." I began to panic, pacing. 

"Was there anyone else who may have overheard that conversation when I were last here...or anyone else who was in the room?" He asked and I thought for a moment, before freezing, there was Jordan. The only other person there was...

"Alex" I muttered. "Alex told David where you were" 

_Dear David, I think we're all going to die together. Kisses, Rue._   
  
  
  



	15. Lads, Where's My Epic Background Music?

❝ _Come down tapping on the glass_  
 _As I lock the passenger door_  
 _Somehow it got in the back_  
 _Now I can't relax anymore❞_

*✭˚

  
Ok, so it should be noted that at this point in time I was unsure how to tell a well-structured story when my life was completely and utterly fucked in this chaos.

It was a strange feeling, being betrayed by someone you never trusted in the first place. Maybe what hurt the most was that the idea of losing this bet, losing to David, losing everything.

The world was slowing down, falling into silence as I watched every gasp of air escape my lungs, teasing in front of me, never returning back to keep me alive. _This wasn't my fault, fuck, this was my fault._

"Do you know what else he heard?" He asked calmly, as I paced up and down the small space we were in, gnawing the end of Jamie's hoodie nervously.

"I don't know...I don't remember...this is so...I didn't mean...this wasn't suppos...I'm sorry" I struggled, pacing quicker, resting my hands on my head as I panicked.

"Hey, hey" He said, holding my wrists and the removing them from my head, he held onto my hands firmly. "Remember to breathe...just breathe Rue"

Sometimes if I focused too much on the way I breathed, I didn't. He resting his hand on my shoulder, using the other to tilt my chin up. _Just breathe._ "It's not your fault" He began when I calmed down. "You can't control for everything...the only thing,that is your fault, is the fact that I'm still standing next to you, here today. You have to know that, you're everything to me"

I shook my head, looking down at my feet. "Famous last words" I muttered, unable to look him the eyes. "I ruined everything, twice over"

"No, no, no you didn't" He reassured me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a hug. "It didn't happen the past isn't real"

I sighed, stepping back from his embrace and tracing the cut beneath his eyes with my thumb. "I'm going to kill him" I muttered, storming back into the party.

"Wait...Rue...don't" He shouted over the music, running after me.

Slipping through the crowds was even more difficult than it was before, my head was thrubbing with the bass of the music and the only thing that was getting me going really was the anger that boiled beneath my skin.

"Oh there you are..." Jamie exclaimed what we spotted me, standing next to Alex grinning.

Alex smiled, "Yeah, we were worried you had fallen in-" I cut him off quickly by punching him in the face.

"Hey, woah" Matt said in shock, putting his drank down and running towards, Jamie and Nick jeered, stopping when Matt gave them a death stare.

Alex scrampled to his feat, ignoring the blood dripping down his face. "What the fuck is your problem?" He shouted, attracting more attention from the people around us.

"You" I pointed at him, "You, you are who I fucking have a problem with, you lying, backstabbing, soulless, selfish, arrogant, sociopathic cunt!" I jumped on him, tackling him to the ground, he grabbed my arms trying to stop me from hitting him, I struggled until I felt Jamie and Matt pull me off of him.

"Rue...Rue, stop" Matt said, as I resisted him, "He's not worth it...what ever he did" He pulled me back once more. "It isn't worth becoming as bad as him"

Nick pulled Alex to his feet, he wiped away the blood from his nose. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you?" He asked, I pushed Matt out of the way, but before I could murder him then and there, I was pulled away once more, this time by Michael, who had appeared out of no where, like he always did.

"Rue, everything's fine..." He said, putting me down, resting his head against mine. _Just breathe._

"I never thought I'd be happy to see you" Alex said, coughing, holding onto his chest. "What is it? What have I do now Rue..." He scoffed when I didn't answer, he knew, there was no way he couldn't know, but he knew I couldn't say, he wanted me to say it out loud, to reveal all my secrets out of anger. "Just when I thought you couldn't get more psychotic...you're high out of your mind"

"Say that again, I dare you" Michael said, walking over to him, towering over him, the uses of surrounding yourself with tall people. 

"Alright, everyone just calm down here" Jamie said, standing between them, pushing Alex back a little, he turned to face Michael "Oh my, you're huge...do you think you'd be able to pick me up?"

"Cookeh" Matt said.

"Right, sorry" Jamie said, "We're all friends here, Rue I love you but I feel like we should be informed with some form of context here...why do you want to kill Alex and more importantly, why haven't you introduced us to your boyfriend yet...I thought we were friends?"

I sighed heavily "That's not her boyfriend" Alex said and I glared at him. I brushed my hand under my chin and he rolled his eyes. I pushed past them, purposefully shoving Alex on the way, which wasn't that significant as I wasn't only just tall enough to hit his shoulder. Michael took a moment to pick Jamie up, spinning him around a little, causing him, Matt and Nick to cheer, before he put him down at left the room. 

"This is bad, very bad" Michael muttered "If David knows that I've been hiding out in the East Midlands, then I can't protect your brother, the entire plan , all of it is fucked"

"Just like that? David wins, I lose all me self-dignity to make that bastard fall in love with me and we can't even destroy David in the process, what the fuck do we do now?" I asked and he thought for a moment, leaning against the wall, closing his eyes.

"We can deal with that Turner bloke easily-" He began and I instantly cut him off.

"No, no" I said shaking my head "I can take care of him, I can't make him hate me forever remember? You kill him, no more bet, we lose everything"

Michael tilted his head, curious "You're too good, at some point you're going to hurt him, you'll have to make a choice, whether that's now, when he hates you so much that he'd put you in danger and conspire with your enemy, or when he cares about you, and you break him completely" He said and I scowled. "I can't stay anymore Rue, we have to move up the planning, just run away now..."

"No, no, no, no" I said shaking my head "You can't leave, not now"

"Come on Rue, if I get caught, they'll come after you, I can't lose you" He said, "Come with me"

"You know I can't...don't make me chose Michael" I said and he sighed "We can't protect everyone, not yet, just stay, we can protect, each other like we always have" I said cupping his face in my hands, resting my forehead against his. 

"I can't put you in danger like that, it's bad enough that I'm here, I'm sorry Rue" He said, wrapping his arms around me, I tried to stop him from letting go, he cupped my cheeks, "Whatever happens, don't lose yourself, don't let him destroy you" He kissed my cheek, then forehead. "I love you"

"Don't...just go" I said, placing my hand up, he sighed. 

"I'm sorry" He whispered before disappearing, like he always did. Fading in and out of my life, like a ghost but without that haunting, I wouldn't have much to care for. Fading in and out, but this time he wasn't coming back. _Fuck, that was going to be a problem._

I felt my nails dig into my palms, I ran back to the hotel, my heart pounding against my chest, reminding me it was still there...that this feeling of numbness was only temporary. _It isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real, just breathe, just breathe, remember to breathe Rue._

I collapsed onto my bed in the hotel room, staring at the ceiling. I sighed heavily, looking back at Jordan's bed...Jordan wasn't even here. _No one is here, no one is here..._ I closed my eyes, everything was burning.

 _'No one's here, only me and you'_ I let myself fall out of the bed, trying to stop the memory from flooding in. _'No one will ever know'_

I stood up quickly, going into the bathroom, taking whatever the fuck I had with me, until that feeling of grief, numbness, anger fell into nothing. _Breathe._

There was a knock on my door, I quickly brushed the remains off the sink, wiping my sleeve on my top. I opened the door and tried to shut it again, but Alex caught it. "You want to explain why you're pissed at me?" He said, the dry blood on his cheek distracting.

He walked in, I stepped back, until I hit the wall. I breathed. "I know what you did...you told David where Michael was...even though I said, I warned you what would happen if you did and you promised, you promised me you wouldn't say anything" I said, he shifted uncomfortably.

"Promises are broken all the time" He mumbled, and I stepped forward, he put his hands up. "He just cornered me at the pub, I had a few...he told me..." He sighed. "He told me that he was dangerous, that he was a drug dealer, and you were hiding him from the police"

"And you believe him?" I asked and he couldn't meet my gaze. "Even you're not that stupid, what, what is this really about?"

"Nothing..." He muttered. "I thought I was doing the right thing, I'm sorry"

I shook my head. "I told you, I don't care for apologises, I make my own conclusions" I said and he fiddeled with his hands, uncomfortable.

"Which is?" He mumbled.

"You had a chance to ruin me life, you decided he was me boyfriend or summat and that it wasn't fair that you lost everything and that journalist bitch hadn't" I said "You want to know everything and David gave you that"

He looked up at me slowly, "Is that would you think?" He asked. "I'm not the devil Rue"

"Neither am I, yet you keep fucking me life up like I am" I said. "What have I done to you Alex? Nothing, I retaliate to what you say. You can hate me Alex, but the moment you hurt others..."

"It wasn't me intention" He said, sighing heavily. "I just wanted to know who he was, he's dangerous Rue, why do you keep him in your life?"

"Why would you believe what David says?" I asked.

"Because he answered me question, I don't trust you either, I can't believe in anything else because I don't have any other infomation" He said and I shook my head, trying to calm my breath down.

"He isn't a drug dealer Alex, he isn't dangerous, he protects people that's what he does and he's made some enemies, people who want to hurt him, kill him" I said. "That's why I didn't tell you...there isn't some huge secret, I just want to protect him...and he was looking out for me brother, and now he can't and now he's had to disappear again and I don't know if I'll ever see him again, I won't know if he's safe" My voice cracked and I disguised it as a cough.

"I'm sorry" He whispered "I didn't know, I really didn't know but if you just let me explain, it isn't what you think-"

"I'm done Alex" I cut him off. "I've had to deal with some shitty people in me life Turner, interview some terrible people, I've been stuck in war zones...not once did I give up, or was broken, but you've crossed the line, I thought I could deal with this, with you. Just leave me alone, judt stay out of me life, please"

He frowned. "Rue, I thought..." He sighed. "What about our plan, the media, I can't survive this without you"

"You should've thought about that before you broke your end of the deal" I sniffed, despair draining the effect of the drugs.

"Rue, please..." He said "I didn't mean to-"

"Just fuck off Alex" I muttered, trying to push him out of the room, nearly falling over in the process, he steadied me, holding onto my my shoulders.

"You look shit, how much drugs did you do?"He asked and I rolled my eyes. "I'm serious Rue, I can't leave you like this"

"I can look after myself" I said "I swaer down Turner if you don't fuck off right now, I will quit and I'll make sure the media harrasses and fucks you over until you you slit your throat with a guitar string"

"This isn't the end..." He said, pointing at me. "I'm not losing this media game"

"I said fuck off, or perhaps fuck off might me too kind" I said and he looked a little taken back for a moment, before nodding at leaving the room. 

_Dear David, I'm starting to think you want me to lose this bet. Purposefully making us hate one another just so you can destroy my life like I destroyed yours. Part of me wants to hate him forever, but I know I would never let you win. Also, unrelated but I think I took many drugs, fuck. Yours possibly dying, Rue x_

**A:N:I'm sorry for the shit chapter but I don't know how to write, can't help you ehehe.**

**I also just want to take this moment to address the incidents that have occured in the past week since the last update. I try not to be explicit with the politics I include with my writing but I felt that this had to be addressed.**

  
**A man was murdered, due to his race, George Floyd was murdered. A life has been taken, someone who was alive in the morning is no longer with us. People who are defending the police officers and attacking the protesters aren't even being subtle about their racisim anymore. It is important to educate ourselves in this uncomfortable topic, and important to check our privelage.**

  
**Although I am have seen relatives experience ethnicity based discrimination, I am not a person of colour so I will never experience racism, I will never lose my life due to racism, I know my privelage. I also know to fight, help stop and understand racism. And if you are in the UK, like myself it is important for us to recognise that our police system is just as currupt.**

  
**Too many times have people been subjected to racial charged assults, too many people have died. Black lives matter.**

  
**As for pride fall, all members of the lgbtqa+ community, please stay safe, no one deserves to be harmed based on their identity or who they love.**


	16. Remember Those Ads Where People Fuck Up The Simplest Of Tasks? That's My Life

❝ _Our house is burning_  
 _When you're raised in hell_  
 _Here in the ashes your soul cries out_  
 _But don't be afraid of these thunderclouds_ ❞

*✭˚

  
There a few things you should know before you read this: I'm not apathetic to kindness.

You may think I'm not inclined to any positive experiences in my life time, or physically unable to escape this, turbulent cynansim that delved my charisma. That's a misconception.

The sardonic atmosphere and sombre humour was only a few small threads within a mechanism in my mind, the one that packed away my crippling trust issues. Where intelligence was only a shadow to the need to protect those I care about. That was all my mind was good for, that and hurting people.

I wasn't deprived of kindness. I'm English, dark humour, was the only way I knew how to communicate, especially with those I care about.

So believe me, the events that are about to occur didn't happen because I didn't know how to react kindness, it was because I knew very well the motive behind them. **_Warning: The following scenes may be disruptive for viewers who are too pessimistic to be comfortable around sensitive topics such as compliments, tenderness and cheesy gestures._**

There was another purpose to the morning other than the awkward tension, the excited looks on Nick and Jamie's faces and the worried expression on Matt's face. The Monkey's first Sheffield performance was in two days time, and rehersal was the essence of Kierra's plan for the day.

And with Jordan doing fuck knows in Bradford, I was left to watch the impact of all that unfold into one visualizer of chaos...alone, just me and David's diary.

"Hurry up Jamie, finish that bagel we don't have all day" Kierra stressed, pushing Jamie further into the room, Jamie said something that was inaudiable as he ate. "Nick why haven't you still replaced that broken string?"

"I was playing Mario Kart with Rue" He said and Kierra rolled her eyes, turning to look at me, I put my hands up in surrender

"Matt, why are you still in your pajamas?" Kierra asked Matt, who was pretending to play Jamie's guitar.

"Erm, I couldn't find any of me jeans... Nick hid them all again, he's made a treasure hunt and everything to find them..I'm half-way through clue six" He said, his smile falling when he saw Kierra visably stressed. "It's ok...I'll get them back before the concert, Nick would never let me perform in me pajamas"

"Sure mate" Nick said trying not to laugh, Matt stuck out his tongue at Nick before giving Kierra a comforting hug.

"Where is Al?" Kierra complained, her voice a little muffled in Matt's arms.

"He's always late, he's like on time with his lateness...wait no he's a little late than usual" Jamie said, checking his watch. "Maybe he got lost in the corridor again...always daydreaming, Rue can you check the corridor...ow!"He hissed when Nick elbowed him in the ribs.

"You mug, you weren't supposed to say that yet" Nick said. "It was after Matt said-"

"No it was before, we practised this Nicky" Jamie said and I raised my eyebrow at them. "Well shit"

I rolled my eyes, standing up, forgetting about the stupid journal that was my lap causing it to fall onto the floor. "I'll check the corridor, but I'm very offended by it" I said picking up the book.

I walked down the corridor cautiously, knowing very well this was a set up. As most set up's in my life, were usually a way to try and get me fired or arrested because I exposed rich white buisness owners, I was a little paronoid.

That fear diluted as soon as I saw a **_'caution cleaning in process'_** sign. I slowed down, taking a moment to look either side of me, before moving the sign and using the spotless surface to slide on the floor, like I was six years old in Tesco again...or like it was last week.

If the next part was all part of the eleborate plan the lads had crafted, then top marks for them, as they planned for everything. Out of no where Alex appeared and instantly crashed into him, sending us both onto the floor.

"Oh get off me you tosser" I mumbled, trying to remove the devil in leather that practically pinned me to the ground by lying on top of me. But it turns out I was as strong as one of those shit plastic toys you got out of a Disney magazine as a kid, because it didn't work.

He laughed, rolling onto his front, resting his hand next to my head to push himself up slightly, not enough to stand up. "You're the one who crashed into me...and it's not me fault that you're a short victortian paper boy" He laughed and I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not that small...and strength wise I think you're face can tell me a little about that" I said and his smirk fell.

"Prove it, just push me off" He said and I sighed, hesistating before pressing my hands against his shoulders. Ok, it should be noted I was hungover...but also very weak in general.

"Fine, I give in" I mumbled and he grinned, standing up, he offered his arm out and without thinking I let him pull me to my feet. "What the fuck do you want Turner? Trapping me was a bad idea, because now there are no witnesses"

"There wasn't last night" He mused, a little more confident than he was last night "If you really wanted to kill me, you would've already done that by now. Besides, I'm not here to fight" I rasied an eyebrow.

"These are for you" He explained, picking up a plastic bag that was leaning against the wall because he had no interest in saving the turtles. He held a tissue wrapped bunch of different coloured roses, their surface tint weaved from an instagram filter almost, dusted in rainbow freckles.

"I'm allergic" I lied, turning to walk away, trying not to slip on the floor.

He frowned. "No you're not, I asked Jordan specifically" He said, speed walking to catch up with me.

"What, so he's a traitor too?" I asked and he rolled his eyes.

"I'm trying to aplogise here" He said and I sighed, stopping and turning to face him.

"You shouldn't have to, you should've never fucked up in the first place" I said. "Now leave me the fuck alone"

"What am I suppose to do with these?" He asked, lifting his arms up in frustration, wacking Matt in the face, who had appeared behind him suddenly.

"Oh thank mate, you shouldn't have" He said, taking the flowers, I smirked, turning around and walking off. For my own fragile ego, I'll pretend that I didn't slip on the floor afterwards and   
split my jeans.

**ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ˢᵉᵃˡ ᵛⁱᵈᵉᵒˢ ᵒⁿ ʸᵒᵘᵗᵘᵇᵉ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"Hey, it's Rue, you probably already knew that because you have my contact saved...wait, unless you don't, if so don't tell me I'm emotionally unstable as it is" I rambled, biting my tongue, cursing myself. "Look listen, I know...I know we can't talk, but, I don't know, I just need to know you're ok..." I was interrupted when I saw Alex appear out of no where again, making me drop my phone out my hand in shock, and just to make my life that much better it landed in my tea.

"Oh shit..." He panicked, trying to get it out, burning his fingers in the process. "Ah fuck" he hissed, drying his hands on his shirt. I sighed, drying my phone with a snot rag. I tried to turn it on, of course it didn't...I mean why would things in my life just not be fucked for once? "I'll pay for that...sorry"

"What do you want?" I asked, sighing tiredly. "Please say you're here to inform me that you will be wearing a huge neon sign in the future, that will say **CAUTION: I'M A CURSE AND AN OCCUPTIONAL HAZARD** "

"Not exactly...I'm here to apologise...for breaking your phone as well I guess" He said, taking out a container from behind his back. "Everyone knows that food solves everything, so with the help of Cookeh I made...wait, hold on..." He said as he opened the container, staring at it's emptieness, completely baffled.

He turned it upside down and looked beneath it, a few crumps falling in his eyes. "Ow...ok, which one of you ate the biscuits" He said turning around and facing his band mates. Nick and Matt pointed at each other at the same time. "Fuck you lot, they weren't for you..."

"Cheers for not letting get poisioned...Nick you're an absolute legend" I said causing him to cheer, as I had still lost that bet, I picked up my mug and stirred the tea bag in it.

"I'm sorry..." He mumbled and I groaned.

"What for this time?" I asked and he looked down at his "Enough, you can't change things with gifts, they don't mean anything...they never do"

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked and I sighed, taking a sip of my tea, which was too hot and I birned my tongue.

"Anyone can go and buy things, it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean you've learned or changed. People buy distractions to hide the fact they don't have any words to make it better because they don't understand what they did wrong" I said, sitting down on the table, my legs swinging from side to side. "And then I can never trust you"

_Dear David, I think I'm going to need a new insurance claim for this Turner bloke._

**_ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ᵐⁱᶜʳᵒᵖʰᵒⁿᵉ ˢqᵘᵉᵃᵏˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ..._ **

It seemed as though Alex fucked his life so much and others, in order to write music. Because objectively, these songs were a wonder, this late night electric glow trapped itself within the lyrics. The price being his torture, him being lost. 

_Dear David, it's although I'm similtaneously within an Arctic Monkeys song and without it. As if it feels like everything I am, but everything I will never be. Alex Turner is trickster._

Rehersals were cut early for lunch, as Matt had accidently got his drumstick caught in a ceiling beam when he threw his it in the air. He couldn't get his spare because that was also in the ceiling from last week. "I bet I could get that easily....I could just climb the frame" I said, moving a few chairs out of the way. 

"Nah I bet I could do it first" Nick said rolling up his sleeves. I looked at him with a smirk. "Same conditions as last time?"

"I'll take that" I said, climbed the pipes that rested on the side of the walls to pull myself to the ceiling beams.

I continued to shuffle across the ceiling beams, pausing for a moment to see how Nick was doing, he pretebded to fall off, laughing at my reaction, I flipped him off.

I got as close to the drumstick as I could, I shuffled a little closer, reaching for it, straining my fingers as I grabbed it. My victory was short-lived, by the sudden sound of a guitar strum from Alex, the amp accidently on full volume, a sound that could cause earthquakes.

I screamed in shock, falling of the beam, I tried to grab onto another one but ended up banging my head on it instead, which did break the fall a little, but it still didn't help the pain of crashing straight onto the drumkit. The sound of that inspired another song apparently.

"Ow..." I mumbled, everything ahced and burned, all but my head and ankle which I was surprised to see where still attached to the rest of my body, because with that pain, I thought it must've torn off.

Nick helped me up as soon as he was on the ground, pulling my arm over his shoulder. "Shit that ankle looks bad" Nick said as I hopped over to the table. "Might be twisted".

"It's all good..." I mumbled, resting my head in my hands. 

"Hey I know you're the best person in this whole world" Nick said and I laughed, I guess technically I still won the bet. "But you're not going to be doing o'wt on that for a while"

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..." Alex panicked, walking over to me. I stood up quickly, holding onto Nick.

"No, stay away, I'm not even joking" I said placing my hands in front of me to stop him from getting any closer. "I get it, you're sorry, but clearly that's problematic, because your apologises may end up killing me"

"Ok, maybe, but this time, I wrote you a song..." He said gesturing to his guitar. I may have been a little bit more pissed about the idea of that than I initially let myself believe as my grip on Nick tightened, he hissed in pain. _That's what made me fall from the ceiling? Unbelievable._

"Wow, you're right, that means summat doesn't it? I should just forgive you because you did summat...that you do every single day practically, your job" I said sarcastically. "By all means make profit from your apology" 

He groaned, tilting his head back in frustration "What will it take...I was trying to be all sentimental and shit, do you want me to physically write you an apology? Poem? For me to cry...that will be no effort because I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown" He said, and I was going to give him a an unamused look but accidently leaned on my fucked ankle, so ended up screaming. 

"Yeah you do that and then the ceiling falls down and kills me. Why? Why is this so important to you?" I asked, and he tensed up "You've made it very clear how much you fucking despise me, you literally just fucked me entire life up, do you want a reminder of everything you've said to me these past few weeks? It wasn't like we were friends or shit"

"Because..." He sighed, placing his hands on his hips and looking everywhere but at me, hesitant "As much as I hate to admit, I need you, you and your weird journalism skills, to get back at the media. I wanted to prove, to prove to Sofía that the media wouldn't be a problem for us, and I could convince her that we could be together again"

"And there it is..." I lowered my voice "The reason why your apology would never be good enough, because you don't care what you did to me, what I lost, it's only about what you lost that you're upset about. No flowers, no biscuits, no songs, poetry or twisted ankles is going to fix or change what you did, please, just leave me alone, haven't you done enough?" He looked a little taken back for a moment, he nodded softly before leaving the room. 

_Dear David, why are men so dramatic and emotionally unstable? Wait, I'm probably better off asking a man, talk to you soon, I've got people to avoid._

**_ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ʰᵒᵘʳˢ ᵒᶠ ʰᵒᵖᵖⁱⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ᵐʸ ʳᵒᵒᵐ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ, ᵒⁿˡʸ ᶠᵒʳ ᵐᵉ ᵗᵒ ʳᵉᵃˡⁱᶻᵉ ᴵ ᶠᵒʳᵍᵒᵗ ᵐʸ ʲᵃᶜᵏᵉᵗ ᵃⁿᵈ ʰᵃᵈ ᵗᵒ ᵍᵒ ᵃˡˡ ᵗʰᵉ ʷᵃʸ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ᵃⁿᵈ ⁿᵒʷ ⁱᵗ'ˢ ᶠᵒᵘʳ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵃᶠᵗᵉʳⁿᵒᵒⁿ..._ **

"Yes Jordan, this really is Rue, this isn't a trap, Alex broke me phone, this is the hotel landline..." I explained, lying on my bed upside down, resting my legs on the wall and staring at my fucked up ankle. "No, I'm not an undercover dectective trying to trick you into confessing about the postbox fire-" There was a loud crash outside my room. "I'll call you back"

I got up from the bed, using the walls to help me hop along to the door. I opened the door quickly, causing Alex to fall through, I caught him quickly, before we were both on the floor again. "Erm...I came to put this under your door" He mumbled awkwardly, showing me a folded piece of paper in his hand "I accidently smashed the plant thing in the corridor" 

I rolled my eyes, pulling him into the room and shut the door. "I thought I told you to fuck off" I said.

"I did...but then I got stressed so I decided to take your advice" He said and I instantly cut him off. 

"I didn't give you any advice, I don't give advice, I don't want to end all of humanity like that" I said beginning to panic and he shook his head. 

"No, no, you didn't mean to, but you did" He said and I raised my eyebrow, encouraging him to elaborate "I'm going to unfuck up" 

"That sounds stupid" I said and he ignored me. "Are you pissed?"

"Incredibly. This is a train ticket recipt, for Jordan, his card got declined and your phone broke so he contacted me...I accidently bought the wrong one so he's stuck in the West Country right now, but he'll be back soon" He rambled and my eyes widened. "It's ok, don't panic, I've fixed everything...follow me" 

I gestured to my leg. "Oh yeah, I'll give you a lift then" He said, placing his arms around me to pick me up, I pushed him away, jumping on his back instead. 

"I hope your Al-Nav still works when you're pissed" I said and he laughed. 

"I won't get us lost" He said, struggling to open the door. 

He did get us lost. Which was odd, because I still didn't know where we were going, yet I still knew he had got us lost. "Why can't you just tell me?" I complained, picking a leaf off a tree adding it to the pile of leaves I was balancing on his head. 

"Because you won't believe me" He said and I groaned, picking some flowers of the trees, to weave them together, by the time I was done he put me down. "You seriously made a flower crown...Lana Del Rey?" 

I laughed, "I wish, no, I only figured out how to make them like last year, I'm making up for a disappointing childhood" I said and he smirked, I placed it on his head. "Now you look even more stupid" 

"Thanks...check behind you" He said, I gave him a suspicous look, I turned around and I nearly fell over in the moment. 

I some how managed to run, well hop, quickly, jumping into the arms of Michael, hugging him tightly. "I don't believe it...what, how why?" I said, when he put me down, cupping his cheeks. "Wait...no I'm pissed at you, how dare you scare me like that" I said hitting his chest softly. 

"Your little enemy over there some how manage to find me phone number and left over fifty voice mails, very emotional, explaining everything that happened and how he wished he had people who cared for him like you did for me" He explained "And for once, your strange friend was right, I shouldn't of left you like, I thought I was protecting you, in the moment I was scared and I forgot the way we live, we're alwags endangering ourselves for moments together" 

A small smile slipped through my lips. "So we're a team again?" I asked and he smirked. 

"Always, plan's back on" He said, "Also, your mate has summat to say" I looked over to him. 

Al averted his gaze away from me, hesistant. "You should know...the reason why I told David what I knew about...Michael" He said, struggling to say his name for some reason. "He told me he could get you in trouble with the police for helping him, that the same people who were after him, were after you and the way to keep you safe was to stop you from hiding him. So I made a choice"

"Why?"I puzzled and he shrugged, shifting uncomfortably. 

"I need you remember?" He said "I can't solve me issues with the media if your in prison or dead...or both" 

"Right" I mumbled. 

_Dear David, I am in the confusion_


	17. It Was An Ordinary Day, Ignore The Alpacas, Yeah It Was All Fine

❝I wanna make your smoke and kisses  
Black and White  
Measure all your spinning whispers  
In the loose moonlight❞

_*✭˚_

I think I deserve my own reality tv show. 

Not because I'm interesting, or inherently stupid, only because I  
needed witnesses to explain what the fuck was going on in my life and then troll me on twitter to tell me when I was fucking up my life. That and I needed filmed evidence so I could prove that Alex Turner always contradicts himself and that he's too petty to admit that, then I could win arguments quicker. 

"No, I'm telling you, Richard Hawley was never on Strictly" I said, as we made away down the down the lobby of the hotel room, Alex Turner's Uber services were alright, if it wasn't for the fact he wouldn't stop pissing me off with his utter bollocks. Four out of five. "You're 'aving a laff" 

Yes I was still using this as a method of transportation, I called 111 last night and the nurses said to give and anither before I could go back to falling off ceilings. They really didn't believe me when I told them how I twisted my ankle.

"I'm not , I know you're too proud to ever listen to me..." Alex began, and I rolled my eyes. "But I have a reliable memory, I'm telling you, he told me" 

"I do listen to you, it's why I need intense therapy" I said, resting my hands lower on his neck so I could rest his head on his shoulders, as this was my current method of transportation. Jordan did text me saying he had a better solution, which honestly kept me up all night with worry. I hated my stupid ankle. "Me mam watches Strictly every fucking year, I think I would've remembered..."

"So did mine, I just repressed it...what through your trauma you can't forget?" He mused, using my foot to press the traffic lights, I kicked him. 

"Yeah it's there, every time I shut me eyes" I said and he laughed, "But you're full of shit, you literally said earlier that Richard Hawley was always talking bollocks to you just to piss you off" 

"Nah, I never said that" He said, and I groaned. _This is typical of Turner; we were supposed to be on the same team and he just goes ahead and stabs me in the back like that? I have never been more betrayed in my life like that._ Oh shit, that would actually work. **TONIGHT** **ON** **KEEPING UP WITH THE SKINT IDIOTS.**

"Every single fucking time" I complained, jumping off his back as we arrived at the recording studio. "This is why we don't get along, you're insufferable"

"At least I'm not lying about who I am" He said and I glared at him.

"I didn't realize you were on Disney Channel with that shit" I said and he smirked, "Don't piss me off too much or I'll give you a bad review on Uber for your shit transportation services" I turned my phone on, beginning to type in my notes section. 

"Don't you dare" He laughed, he tried to take my phone off me, I held it up high even though he was taller than me, moving to the side very time he tried to reach me. I turned around trying to type quickly, it wasn't like I could run or anything. He wrapped his arms around me from behind, trying to take the phone out of my hands. I laughed, he accidently tripped on the back of my foot, causing me to stumble, he caught me quickly. 

"Oh there you two are, you're late" Kierra said, running from the entrance of the building, "We are so behind schedule right now, we have to finish recording today, we're already halfway through the first year tour and AM hasn't been released. We need it released for the forst Sheffield gig this weekend" She added as she pushed us into the building. Well it was a lot less unerstandable what she was saying, never get a Geordie stressed. 

Turns out the chaos within the room was a lot worse than out, Jamie was playing random Katy Perry songs on the guitar, causing Nick to sing alibg terribly. Matt seemed to be on a stressful phone call with his mum. Highlights included: ' _No mum, I don't need you to bring any food, I'll have lunch there '_ , ' _no you can't bring Laura from your spin class_ ' , ' _Yes I've been eating me vegetable_ s' and ' _Yes the concert is saturday, Breana will be there yes'_

And to think it couldn't get anymore mental than that, was a fucking noob mistake on my part, I apologise. There was a sudden loud bang causing me to jump a little, luckily I didn't fall from any ceilings. "ME EYES...ALEX FUCKING TURNER" A loud scouse fog horn belted through the room. "YOU'VE GOTTEN SHORTER YOU TOSSER" He laughed even louder. 

"Oi, careful" Alex laughed, "Get yourself over here you plonker" The loud man ran over to Alex, jumping into his arms, hugging him tightly, kissing his cheeks repeatively, Alex couldn't stop laughing. **TONIGHT ON LOVE ISLAND.** I guess. 

"Oh mate, it's been ages, I can facetime the rest of you lot, but all grandad here can't figure out how to turn his camera on" The man laughed, Alex's arm still around him, he talked incredibly quickly and his attention span was everywhere. He reminded me of a combination of Jordan and my brother. 

"It's been an absolute mental journey here-oh wait, drop every fucking thing" He said when he finally noticed my existance and that he wasn't the only person here. "Who do we have here?" 

"Hi...I'm Rue...I think I have hearing damage now" I said awkwardly and he grinned, laughing again. 

"You are adorable" He said laughing again, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tightly. I was unable to move my arms. I changed my mind, this was the lowest point in my life. "And fuck me, you're fit, 'ave you got a lad?"

"No one in the world is good enough for her" Nick said, walking over to us, I smirked, the loud bloke gave him a confused look. "I lost a bet" 

"Not exactly" I said, unsure really where my relationship status was at, I mean did Facebook even have an option for ' _Trying to get somone who hates your occupation to fall in love with you so you can dump him the crulest way possible for a news story to stop a fragile miget from exposing your biggest secret'_

"The world's fucked, how not, you wanna get a drink after-" The man asked, but was quickly cut off by Alex. 

"She's a journalist" He said casually, causing the man's face to fall. 

"Oooo" He winced "That makes sense, how tragic, kinda like Romeo and Juilet" 

"What because you're a nonce and four people are going to die because of a three day relationship" I guessed, raising my eyebrow. 

"Sounds like a plan, that's getting married tommorow" He said and I laughed. 

"Oh good, as you can see Al, Miles is here early, you need to finish recording" Kierra urged him, smiling as Miles gave her a hug, kissing her cheek. 

"Yes let's 'ave it!" Miles cheered clapping his hands together. "We can record Wirral Riddler as well, let's have it lads" 

"Rue, this is Miles Kane, Alex's boyfriend, Miles this Rue me wife" Kierra laughed and Alex nudged her but laughed anyway. 

"Singer if you ask Google, but legend if you ask anyone who's met me" He said shaking my hand. 

"Same with Rue" Nick interjected and I laughed. 

"Ok, we may be a little behind schedule but we can do this" Kierra said, looking through her phone timetable, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and rested my head on her shoulder, some form of comfort I guess. "As long as nothing else goes wron-" 

There was a sudden crash outside of the door and she threw her phone to the floor. "For fucks sake" She muttered. 

  
"I'M BACK!" Jordan shouted as he opened the door and I cheered.

"Wait, what, what do you mean?" Jamie asked, looking really confused. "Back from where?"

"From me holiday, I accidently ended up going on holiday in the west country...thanks to a certain _someone"_ He said, looking at Alex.

"You were on holiday?" Matt asked, completely baffled.

"Erm...yes I was holiday...did you miss me?" He asked grinning, but then his grin fell. "You didn't know I was on holiday?"

"Erm yes, yes we did" Jamie said quickly and Jordan's jaw dropped.

"You. didn't. Know. I. Was. On. Holiday" He gasped.

"Erm Jordan, how did you get back if you were stuck in the west country skint?" I asked "You're a northerner I didn't think you'd survive"

"Well I got a lift from a group of young lads back up to...I think to Lincolnshire" Jordan said, still leaning against the doorframe like he was hiding something behind it. "They gave me some new clothes as well, very nice lads"

"Oh so that's why you're dressed like a roadman" Kierra said and I laughed at his Nike/Addidas gear, had a small bag, bandanna and everything.

"Yes, I'm a roadman now, a little weird in me 20's but I'll take it" He said, with a huge grin on his face. "Then I got a lift from these farmers, transporting animals, good laff those blokes and they were Northerners...also I've brough I new member to our family"

He moved out of the way of the doorframe, bringing in an Alpaca. No that isn't a typo, or an hallucination because you've been looking at a screen for too long.An Alpaca.

Jamie cheered, running towards it an petting it. I just stared at it in disbelief and so did Kierra. Miles' reaction was loud as you can imagine. "Can we keep it Matt, please? I promise I will look after it, feed it, take it for walks...I don't really now what they do"

"No Jamie, we can't, we don't have the space or the budget for a pet and kids on tour, plus I'm going to be the one that going to end up looking after it" Matt complained.

"Jordan...why, how?" I asked.

"I got a lift from farmers remember?" Jordan said "And Arabella here needed a home"

"Oh you absolute fucker" Alex said, groaning and I gave him a confused look. "Now I'm going to 'ave to change the name of that song..."

"Oh come on Al" Kierra complained and he gave her an apologetic look.

"I'm changing it from Barbarella to Arabella" He said, opening his notebook and writing down. "I can't control these things"

"On that note...let's get recording then lads" Miles shouted.

_Dear David, does it have to be Alex? I think I could love Miles better or you know, any other person on this planet. Wait no, that's a little too much...that would include you wouldn't it?._

**ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ᵃˡᵖᵃᶜᵃ ˢʰⁱᵗˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ˢᵗʳᵉˢˢᶠᵘˡ ʰᵒᵘʳˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

Jordan and Arabella were tragically inseperable, it took four of us to help it out of all the building, and another competition with Nick to try and get him into the pub. 

"Two bottles of Smirdoff and a bottle of champagne tonight mate" Nick said to Dan and he grinned. 

"I hope you're celebrating finally finishing recording?" Dan said suggested, ducking behind the bar to grab the bottles, conviently saving his head from being smashed by a glass that was thrown towards the telly behind him. "I'm guessing it's not for the football...they're having a laff aren't they?" 

"Absolute ludicrous display tonight and yeah these lot finally finished" Miles said, finally catching up with us and leaning against the bar. "Must of been the power of me presence" 

Good to be seeing you again Miles, but don't be saying that too loudly, may have some secret fans in here" Dan said and Miles laughed. 

I frowned "How do you guys keep going to the same pub without being spotted by fans?" I asked. 

"I have a internal policy" Dan said, tapping his head. "If the bouncers see anyone with band tees, especially indie ones they tell them that pub's full" 

"Dan's an absolute legend" Jamie said, pouring the champagne into the glasses, passing them round. 

"It's worth the profit loss, I mean you lads are certainly entertaining"He chuckled. "I feel like I've seen it all with you lot...wait Jordan is that a llama next to you? Or do I need to go to specsavers?" 

"No she's an alpaca and you said this pub was pet friendly" Jordan argued and Dan looked a little taken back. 

"Take her away Jordan, I meant guide dogs, you plonker" Dan laughed, leaning to pet Arabella. 

"That's discrimination!" Jordan said, standing up with outrage. "Come on Arabella, let's go somewhere you're appreciated" After about twenty minutes he successfully managed to get the apalca out of the pub. 

"He's a weird one that lad of yours" Alex laughed, drinking his champagne all at once, reaching for my bottle of Smirdoff, I wacked his hand away. 

"He's brilliant you mean" I said, "The only religion I believe in" 

"That's adorable" He said, mimicking Miles' reaction earlier, I rolled my eyes. "How does he even do his job? He's too kind" 

"I'm not having this conversation with you" I said, drinking almost half the bottle in one go. "You need to move on mate, go marry Miles or summat" He rolled his eyes, I looked around the room. "That lass near the pool table, she's your type" 

He raised his eyebrow "Really and what's my type?" He asked, resting his elbows on the surface of the bar, leaning closer. 

"Too good for you and way out of your league" I said, causing Miles to burst out laughing, hitting Alex's shoulder several times. 

"Fuck you" He said but left to go to the pool table anyway, typical. Miles went to a binge drink contest with a stranger. 

"You two confuse me" Dan said, taking away the empty glasses left on the surface. I raised my eyebrow, encouraging him to eleborate. "He carried you in on his back but you still want to kill each other" 

I smirked, taking another sip of my drink. "I fucked me ankle falling from the ceiling and it was his fault, he needs me help with summat, but he still hates me" 

"Makes sense" Dan said, "Not the ceiling part, do I even wanna know how that happened?" I shook my head and he nodded, going to serve drinks to other blokes. 

Now I'll tell you, growing up in the north, I've had some strange encounters with men, especially when they're trying to shag you. I thought I'd seen it all, it was all amusing to me. I had even had a fair share of shit pick up lines on my record. But this next lad was by fair the worse, observe: 

"Hey" This short lad said, well he was still taller than me, he sat down next to me. "Sorry if this is a little forward, but I just saw you other there and I think you're absolutely stunning, I was just wondering if I could have your number, doesn't matter if you don't want to."

I stared at him, completely baffled. What? "Fuck off" I said simply and his face fell. 

"What?" He asked and I smirked. 

"Don't play nice lad with me" I said and he knitted his eyes, confused. "I heard the entire conversation you had with your mates, fucking bellend, at least take off your wedding ring, idiot" 

There was an angry glance that swept past his eyes. "That doesn't matter, it could just be one night"

"I said fuck off" I said, this drew attention from Dan who cleared his throat. 

"Off you go mate" Dan said. 

"Excuse me?" The bloke asked, I think there was a little growl there but I had had a few, so who knew what was happening. 

"We have a policy" Dan said, pointing to a sign on the wall. "Two rejections and then it counts as harassement, so off you go, or I will get the broom and kick you out...also policy" He picked up a sweepibg brush and some how managed to hold it in an intimidating way. 

He rolled his eyes but left anyway. "Ta Dan, but I can look after meself" 

"I know" He smirked. "But I like to stop trouble before it occurs" 

Apparently it was also policy for any one who went through that to get a free drink, so of course I didn't stop that from happening. "Oh I just saw you from over their and your beautiful" Alex mocked, as he sat beside me, I rolled my eyes. "The things I lie about to get someone to suck me tiny dick" 

"He's got a bigger knob than you" I said and he laughed. 

"Really? How would you know that?" He laughed, nudging me. 

"Miles told me" I joked and he laughed, nudging me again, attempting to tackle me in my seat, he just ended up resting his head ontop of my back and I leaned against the counter. I guess alpacas wasn't the weirdest things that happened. "So what happened with that lass?"

"She's here with her girlfriend, I found a little too late" He said, his voice muffle in my hair and I laughed. _I guess that was a good thing I was supposed to make him fall in love with me._ _OH SHIT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WASN'T I? HOW DID I KEEP FORGETTING THAT? I guess getting pissed at people was distracting._

Alex went to play pool with Miles and Kierra and I went to play darts with Nick and Jamie. Matt was on yet another call with his mum. Which was a lot more difficult pissed, and I was shit anyway. "Hey, Rue whoever scores the most wins...not like I want to stop telling the world how great you are or anything" 

"I'll take that" I said. Nick threw three darts first. By the time it was my turn, I realized that I actually didn't really know how to play darts, but that wasn't the only thing that stopped me from playing. 

"Here all by yourself? That's sounds about right Turner" A snarky voice said, near the pool table, I sighed, trying to resist the urge to interfere. "No one else wants to deal with your shit anymore?" 

"Just leave me alone Brian" Alex muttered and I turned around slowly, to see a bloke who was slightly taller than Alex, who was wearing a t-shirt and a tie. I think I was getting worse? Was I hallucinating?

"What so we cab you have going around, telling people the only reason your bird left you was because of paparazzi...what she always dealt with before she met you" He sneered "Why can't you just admit that you're fucking boring and no one wants to deal with how emotional you are?" _Don't do it, don't do it. He's a dick he deserves it, don't do it. Ok, I'm going to do it._

I dropped the darts on the table,and walked over to the pool table, pushing my hair back. "Hey, I'm back, thanks for looking after me drink" I said, wrapping my arm around his waist, he tensed up, almost dropping his drink. "Oh hi, who's this?" 

"This...is Brian" Alex struggled to say, passing me the pint in his hand, tryin to hide his trembling hand. "He's from another indie band" _Sounds about right._

"So this is your...girlfriend?" Brian asked raising his eyebrow. 

"Yes" Alex said stiffly. "This is me...journalist girlfriend" He seemed almost traumatised by imagining a scenerio where that was reality. I nudged him. "We're very...happy together" 

"Aw, he's so sweet" I said, pinching his cheek, he frowned, flinching. I quickly kissed his cheek to keep our cover, his arm dropped from my waist. I tried to ignore the look he gave me, I didn't see it but I could _feel_ it and I knew it shouldn't have been electric, but it was. 

"Well nice one...I guess" Brian muttered, leaving to go and terriorize someone else. As soon as he was gone we instantly stepped away from each other. 

He cleared his throat. "Ta" He mumbled, barely audible, looking everywhere but me. 

_Dear David, even the idea disgusts him, that was the reason he reacted like that, right? How the fuck am I supposed to make him fall in love me?_


	18. Things They Hid From You On Disney Channel & Banned Words On Club Penguin°o°

❝ _The voices calling me_  
 _They get lost_  
 _And out of time_  
 _I should've seen it glow_  
 _But everybody knows_  
 _That a broken heart is blind_ ❞

*✭˚

  
For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple-I wanted to be an intergalactic pirate on my own Disney Channel show.

The only problem at the time being that I didn't even have Disney Channel, my parents didn't want to pay for exta programmes, so I had to make do with an internal spin off deal with CBeebies like an elitist.

That career path tragically and unexpectedly didn't work out for me, and with a accidental specilalized field of English Lit, Politics and Sociology because of my random A-level choices. (I'm not even joking, I picked my subjects out of a hat because I don't trust myself to make decisions. If someone else does it for me, I can blame them instead) Fate found me a journalist.

The first things they teach you when you're a journalist is...completely stupid and not applicable to real life, like Inverse Functions, the second thing was much less memorable that the only thing Uni taught me was that it doesn't matter what they teach, the most important shit in life, you learn yourself. And you only learn it from the pain of fucking up.

But from eight years of said experience, I still had no idea what the fuck I was doing, this improvasion game was getting boring. In the middle of a chaotic stadium, with stressed tech crew and security that kept forgetting who you were and IDing me each time one us left on a lunch break or just went to the toilet, I realized how little I knew about the journalism side of music. David should've blackmailed someone more qualified.

"Mic test, one, two, one, two, everything's poo, one two" Jordan said, tapping his microphone rhythmatically, dancing ever so subtly as the tech crew ran around him.

"Has anyone seen-" I was cut off by some sound engineers passing me the edge of a table to help them move it into their pit. This is what my life has come to, at least I had it better than Matt, who had to deal with Alex's technical difficulties.

"Just try turning into off again" Matt said, not leaving his drumkit on the stage, that looked like he'd never changed, just had the same one since he was sixteen. "Just pull the plug" Alex nodded and suddenly everything went pitch black, causing Jordan to scream down the microphone.

"Oops wrong plug...I think" Alex said and everyone groaned. I managed to turn the torch on, on my phone and so did some of the people around me.

"No..." One of the tech lads said, name was Tim I think. "We've hit a power cut, according to ITV some young 'un let go of a balloon and it hit the power line"

"Fuck" Kierra said, pacing as she began to panic. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is a problem, we can't cancel, that'll but everything back"

"It's fine, everything's going to be fine" I said holding her shoulders. "Power will be back on in a couple of hours, it's just one line, it'll be fixed easily"

"In the mean time Cookeh brought a load of torches with him to play Hide and Seek in the cellers under the building, we can use them and continue to set up, while we wait" Matt suggested and she nodded.

"I also have a portable charger..." Jamie suggested. "If that's any use"

"We can plug one of our cameras into that" Jordan said "So we can still go live"

"Wait, it's ok, I have an in-depth plan for emergencies" Kierra remembered said, opening one of the boxes from underneath the tech desk, taking out a huge roll of paper, revealing a huge annotated, colourcoded map of the building. "It's an old building, it still has it's own mains and emergecy lighting, we can figure out how trigger that hopefully...but there are two possible locations for the mains, here and here"

"You can pick first Nick..." I smirked. "First one to get the power back on wins"

"I'll take that" He said, for the atmosphere of the moment we'll pretend that the improvised handshake wasn't awkward and didn't fail.

"I'll set up the camera..." Jordan said, switching random switches to see if they would work, annoying the tech crew. He picked up a few random capables and Matt pulled him away from them.

"I'll make sure he doesn't electrocute himself" Matt said. "And you guys too, Jamie you go with Nick and Alex you can get over yourself and help Rue"

He opened his mouth to protest and Matt picked up the nearest capable and pointed it at him, not impressed. I rolled my eyes "Come on Turner" I said, taking the torch Jamie passed me and pulled him by his sleeve.

Now I was all for walking in the darkness, alone, somewhere you had never been before...you do you, I have no right to judge people, I've done shit things in my life. But as soon as you're stuck in this situation with someone who'd happily let you electrocute yourself, but one because they need to use you for their own means, then, that's when I've lost all respect for you.

I looked around me, fidgeting nervously, holding onto the end of my sleeves. "You scared of the dark or summat?" He asked, looking at a large spider with disgust.

"No, it's just cold" I mumbled, jumping around a little to keep warm he laughed.

"That ankle's healing then I guess" He said with a smirk.

"Yeah, but that's not an invitation to knock me over or summat and fuck me other one" I said and he laughed, I shivered, wrapping my arms around my body.

"Where's your jacket?" He asked and I gave him a confused look "Jamie's one"

"Oh...in the wash, I spilt pasta on it" I said and his eyes widened, he hid his shock in a cough. I frowned. "Why?"

"Was wondering why you're cold, thought I solved that issue, that's all"He said and I chuckled softly, purposefully exaling excessively to blow condensation his way. "I get it..." He laughed, wafting the air, pretending to choke. I rolled my eyes. "Get over here then"

I frowned, even though I had an issue with listening to authority, let alone random people, especially when they spoke in imperitive, just an open invite to do the opposite, I walked over to him anyway, purposefully pushing into him, my hands in my pocket. He caught me, stopping us from falling into the wall, we both laughed. "I didn't mean charge at me you wally, I have some fags" He said, pulling out a couple of cigarettes, I smirked as he lit mine, I held it in my hand to warm me up.

"Alright...here we go" I said and he let go of me so I could walk over to the mains, it was already open as it was broken, I pushed the small door, looking at the different switches. I hummed to my self as I pulled some of the wires around, balancing the torch in my mouth, before Alex took it and shun the light for me.

"What's that?" He asked, and I shrugged as I couldn't see where he was looking. "You've got a tattoo"

"So have you" I said, hissing in pain when I cut myself on a sharp piece of mental. "It's doesn't mean anything, it's nothing"

"If you say so" He muttered

I continued to play around with the different circuits, I hummed " _Life is a cigarette, you smoke to the end,..."_ I sang to myself quietly, sometimes, like everyone, I got songs in my head for random reasons and ended up singing them, I was only human. " _But if you rocket the middle bit.."_

"Oh my..." He complained, laughing "Supergrass?"

"I can't control these things" I said and he grinned.

" _The wider your eyes, the bigger the lies, yes it's trueeeeee"_ He sang, purposrfully leaning closer to me to distract me and I pushed him away, trying not to laugh. " _Can you hear us pumping on your stereo_? He sang and I shook my head rhythmatically, swaying a little as I pulled another switch after taking a small, half a second dance break.

"You sure you know what you're doing?" He asked and I hummed in response.

"Power was shit back home, we had to figure out fucked ways to get it to work" I said, using the back of the torch to hit the switch. The lights suddenly illuminated, almost blinding me. "Ohohoh, lights go down" I sang

"Nooooo" He said, grabbing my arm. "That's our cue to leave"

Maybe in another life I could've been an engineer.

_Dear David, In the darkness I felt something, that something was no longer hiding under a veil of darkness, in a pretence of cruelty, because the darkness hides everything from you so you don't have to, within the darkness Alex Turner was a flicker of light._

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ˢᵗʳᵉˢˢᶠᵘˡ ʰᵒᵘʳˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵃⁿ ᵉᵖⁱˢᵒᵈᵉ ᵒᶠ ᵈᵃⁿᵍᵉʳ ᵐᵒᵘˢᵉ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"Alright, hello everyone, hope your day's weren't completely dreadful, I'm Jordan" Jordan said cheerfully down the microphone, smiling at the camera. 

"And I'm Rue" I said, with a small smirk. "Or psychotic boyfriend stealer and annoying cunt according to you metal Arctic Monkeys fans stalking my Twitter" 

"And we're here today , with the said Arctic Monkeys, live at the Sheffield arena for the first gig back at their home town after about two years" Jordan said, trying not to laugh, he was doing better at hiding it than I did. "So tell us lads, how do you feel being back home...has it been fine or are you feeling to American to fit back in?" 

Jamie laughed. "It's been just fine" He said, looking in the distance with his sunglasses on, because he had a rockstar persona to participate in or something. I held the microphone to Matt. 

"Amazing to have gravy back again" He said with a grin "And yorkshire puddings...ta mum" 

"Erm..." I thought for a moment "You lot planning on crowd surfing tonight? Or maybe you with a boat like that German band?" I rambled and Alex laughed. 

"Erm...I don't think so, should I use me guitar as a paddle?" He asked continue to laugh, causing me to join him. 

"Please do..." I laughed, "Sorry...I never do music...closest I got was someone brought speakers to the golf" I said between pits of laughter, holding onto Nick in support. 

"I once did an interview after a stage disaster" Jordan chirped. "Have you had any memorable disasters or are you planning any accidents tonight?"

"Depends..." Nick said, with grin, already smiling at what he was going to say "Depends whether Alex decides to dance or talk to the crowd" He said causing us all to laugh again. "Everytime he does...a small dog dies" 

It took a while to recover from that one, in the end, the interview ending up being one of those moments where everyone was laughing for no reason and people kept adding more bizzare shit to set everyone off again.

The fans love that shit for some reason and it pissed off David when I wasn't doing my job properly. It was a win, win situation. At this point I felt like I was self-promoting myself to being a full time agitator. 

The concert escaped me, that's all I remember, that and the shit support band. I knew something was wrong with me, time seemed to be fading and the moments were blending into one. I found myself against one of the wall's backstage, drowning out the world around me. 

"Hey you ok?" Matt asked, snapping me out of my clouded head. 

"I'm fine..." I lied and he raised his eyebrow "Headache, I don't think rock music is going to really help" I lied.

He nodded "You should go back to the hotel and have a kip, always makes me feel better" He said and I forced a smile.

"Ta" I said "And sorry for missing..." He waved me off.

"Oi, won't hear it, we have plenty more shows" He said, hitting Jamie on the head with a drumstick as he walked past. "Have a good one"

"I'll try" I muttered before he left, I texted Jordan as I left the arena, which was getting packed full of huge crowds, and I'll tell you, it was difficult enough trying to push past them, I couldn't imagine what it was like performing to them. Then again, I wasn't. 

The safety of the click that came after shutting my room door, seemed to trigger something in me and without my permission or warning my body fell to the floor. I stared up at the ceiling, watching the air from my lungs escape from me, but failing to flood back to me. Everything felt heavier, and falling to the trap of sleep seemed all too comforting. 

_Dear David, I think I'm dying_

I didn't give in, something stopped me, strangely it was a loud thud out from the corridor. _Again?_ I stood up quickly, walking towards the door, I could hear someone outside of the door, everyone was at the concert so that couldn't be good, I picked up the nearest thing to arm myself with, just in case as I was a paranoid little fuck. 

I opened the door and screamed in shock and so did the person behind it, "Ow!" They complained when I hit the with a torch "What the fuck was that for?" A slightly short girl complained, caressing her head.

"Who the fuck are you?" I asked and she grinned, standing up straight and recomposing herself, dusting off her hands on her floral dress. 

"I'm Sofía" She said cheerily, with a grin and I dropped the torch, ignoring the pain as it landed on my foot. 

"What?" My voice cracked and I cleared my throat. "I mean...I'm Rue and what are you doing here?" 

"Oh, wow, yeah that would've been a bit of weird shock wouldn't it?" She laughed, talking at 300 miles per hour. "Just trying to sleep and suddenly there's a loud Irish midget at your door" She laughed and I stared at her. "I came looking for Cookie's secret stash of biscuits...I've checked all the other rooms" She let herself in. 

"I was just on me way back from the coast, six hour trip absolute nightmare, but I did manage to watch some Power Puff Girls from the person in front of me's phone...but I had to pretend I wasn't ever time they looked back" She explained as he walking in the room, looking under the beds. 

"And the bus crashed and I had to CPR on a toddler and then donate a kidney to a pensioner and then I ended up back in Sheffield, and I have one more day until I fly off to Costa Rica to build some new schools. And then I got hungry...and you know those times when you're just craving the most random things...aye here we go" She cheered picking up a pack of Hob Knobs that I had no idea were hiding there. "Hi hides them in every hotel room he's been in, just in case of an apocolpse" She explained and I nodded. 

I was still too baffled to do much else other than stare at her as she sat dowm cross-legged on the floor. _Ok Rue, just because there is an absolutely goregous woman in the room who's life you destoryed who also happens to be a charitable angel doesn't mean you have to be weird about it. Just act normal, normal..._

"So you seem cheery for someone who just had there heart broken which caused Alex to promote journalist genocide" I said, instantly biting my tongue afterwards. _One job. You had one job common sense!_

She looked taken back for a moment, her glowing smile fading like all the stars from the night sky had disappeared.

"Erm...well, you know, life goes on, can't spend all me life crying about it, I have lives to save, I can't waste anymore time having daily emotional breakdowns, being in intense therapy, deleting all social media and attempting to change me identity...wow that got dark quick" She laughed nervously. "We're fine...everything's fine, we don't talk about that" 

"You're allowed to feel pain, it doesn't make you less of a good person" I said, ah the irony, the devil giving advice to an angel. "And on behalf of all journalists I suppose, I'm sorry..."

She gave me a sad smile "It's fine..really, it took me a while to get it, but I do know. I don't have in me to hate people, I was scared and hurt but really, I'll always have the media after me. The work I do really sets the right wing lot off. This was different though, journalists I get, it's your job, which you die for, I've worked with a lot of good journlaists. But it's the fans as well, alwags on social media, deciding my intentions..." She hesitated, sighing heavily. "It wasn't just the media, Al could never see it, he was too scared to see it. I had the demands of my job and he had his, we spent months apart and it was terrible on top of the media. And without him, I started to believe the shit they were saying about me..." 

  
"It was all too much" I guessed and she nodded, wiping her eyes a little, giving me a small smile.

"I've been in a better place now, at first I felt like I lost everything, but now I see...I made the right choice, it was destroying him, the way they were treating me, I couldn't kill us both like that" She said, passing me a biscuit. "Just promise me you won't ever tell him that? If he thinks his job ruined yet another relationship it'll destroy him twice over, he may just abandon his dream all together. Don't hurt him like that, I'm very protective over him"

 _Thanks for the advice? Shortcut to the heartbreak I guess._ "Yet you still broke his heart, he hasn't got over it, he's still fighting for you and I don't think he'll ever stop" I said and she nodded softly, looking like her heart was breaking all over again.

"Maybe one day, in some alternate universe when the world isn't fucked" She whispered and I smiled. _NO DON'T TELL HER TO FUCK OFF AND WAIT UNTIL AFTER YOU SEDUCE HIM AND BREAK HIS HEART FIRST, THEN SHE CAN GO. YOU'RE AN IDIOT RUE. Tha knows._

"Maybe" I said, _I probably should start changing the subject before I find myself somehow forming an eleborate plan with Alex's ex-girlfriend to set them up._ "Nice bracelet" I said and she grinned as I pointed to the rainbow friendship bracelet on her wrist.

"Ta, here you can have it, I make them all the time" She said, laughing softly. I smiled as she wrapped it round my wrist. _God she was an actual angel._

There was a sudden knock on the door and I dropped my biscuit in shock. "That'll be me gone then" She said stanidng up and jumping around excitably, unsure where to hide. "I'll go out the window" She cheered "I've always wanted to do that"

Before I could protest she quickly climbed out of the window, getting the end of her jacket stuck a nail, causing her to fall, land on one of the extension roofs, a tree and the onto the floor, I winced. She stood up shaking the muck off of her. "I'm okay" She cheered and I laughed along with her. "It was lovely meeting you Rue, hopefully I'll see you soon, but first I think I'm going to take a spontaneous trip to Spain"

I gave her a small wave and she sent me a kiss before turning around and running onto the streets outside. _Wow, she's got a lot of energy_ I thought _The world is going to destroy her._

_Dear David, we broke an angel, an angel that just saved my life...and we're going to do it again._


	19. Auditions For An Apocaltiptic Choir Today: Improvised Jazz Not Welcome

_❝_ _Don't you know too much already?_   
_I'll only hurt you if you let me_   
_Call me friend but keep me closer_   
_And I'll call you when the party's over_ _❞_

_*✭˚_

  
In the beginning, the universe was created. It is safe to say that this was the first ever controversy, and who ever was responsible for this, would've been cancelled and trolled on Twitter, if it they are ever found.

The beginning was the beginning of all regrets.

Why so cynical this morning, Rue? On This dark, polluted, cold morning, as it's 4am? Well in case you had forgotten, I'm being blackmailed into working with the worst area of media, music. I'm not sure I've mentioned that enough? I feel like I'm similtaneously milking it and brushing it off...as well _it isn't real, nothing ever was_

Who would've guessed I would've said that? I surprise myself, I'm a terrible narrator, which isn't too bad, no one should be reading my inner thoughts...unless you're from the future and I was right in my Year 2 essay about what would happen in the year 2020.

If so, erm, shalom comrades, welcome back to another episode of Phineas and Ferb, I'm your host, Dr Doofenshmirtz, not because I have much of a tragic backstory that can excuse my villainy, more because I'm wasting my intelligence on solutions for fictive issues that I daydream about and have dedicated my life to establishing world dominance...in a very small town.

The reason why my mind was still faffing around in a more cynical tone than usual was because, of everything that happened last night and, well I wouldn't know now, but everything that would unfold this evening. Last night, _she said, no,_ last night I crumbled completely, everything just fell apart and it was like, I broke. But before I could I was rescue by none another than Alex's ex-girlfriend.

Which he was going to kill me if I ever found out that I spoke to her, let alone what we talked about. But whenever we're in crisis, our minds come up with reassuring bullshit to make us feel better, with this issue my thoughts couldn't help but quote my spirit animals from Hercules, _if he finds out, if sounds good._

This very early morning tried to beat yesterday's record of craziest shit, as this morning it seemed to be the Great Briritsh Bake Off, in the kitchens of the hotel, Matt was apparently Mary Berry, he'd recently got into cooking and was hoping to start his own buisness in Sheffield, maybe if get on Good Morning Britain.

Jamie had been his apprentice and chief taste tester for about half a year now apparently, but from his lack of improvement, I'd guess he was only doing because he was the only one who was too kind to say he didn't give a shit about Matt's hobbies, that and he got to eat free cake.

"No Jamie, you can't lick the bowl yet" Matt said, taking the mixing bowl off Jamie, I laughed, hiding it as a cough when Matt gave me a disappointed look, causing me to look down a the icing I was stirring. I'll tell you, Matt's approval seemed to be more important than my parents at this point. "You can lick it after" He added when Jamie complained.

"There will be none left though, I'm not falling for that again" Jamie complained. "And why do you never let me do any of the important jobs? Rue's been here one day and you let her crack the eggs, you never let me do that"

"Clean up crew is the most important role" Matt said and Jamie raised his eyebrow, Matt sighed, placing in the pockets of his apron that said 'World's Best Mum', which I bought him last week, because yes we all can be that petty when people act like your parental unit. I moved out for a reason. "Besides, I've still got pieces of egg shell in me from the last time and I let you do the oven shit, I couldn't let Rue do that" Jamie gave me a confused look.

"As of June 2008, there's basically been a restraining order against me, I'm.not allowed within two metres of an oven, because of health and safety risks" I said "Me mam basically made it her self, we made a courtroom in the kitchen, there were little galleries for the cats, and I'm scared she has some sort of superpower which tells her what I'm up to"

"All mams do, it's mental" Jamie mumbled, trying to dip his finger in the bowl whilst Matt was distracted, Matt grabbed his arm.

"What the fuck are you lot up to at this hour?" Alex asked walking into the kitchen in his pajamas, which didn't really match his quiff, going for a cuppa I think.

"It's Dan's birthday, we're making a cake for him" Jamie explained with a grin and way too much energy for the time of the day.

"Or trying to" Matt mumbled.

"Ah right, wait, I get Jamie's always your cooking partner in crime, Jamie Oliver" He said, amused by his own joke, because, I guess someone has to. "But didn't Rue make a big thing on the Tuesday about never cooking unless she wanted to poision us" I rolled my eyes.

Now here's the thing, back at home, when your dad's a housewife and refuses to let you help him, as only he could do it, you don't learn how to do anything for yourself. I mean anyone could look at BBC foods, I just chose not to, oh and my parents' imaginary court case against me.

"Rue said she never cooked with her parents, ever" Matt said "So I'm filling in for that role, her tragic backstory" _I don't have a tragic backstory._

"What are you doing here?" I asked Alex and he smirked.

"I had a eureka moment, and then I couldn't sleep, now I have a spontaneous urge to do another petty media revenge" Alex said and I grinned.

"Sounds good" I said, finally abadonning my mix of doom, jumping off of the counter that I was sitting on. "Oh and by the way Jordan's coming with us"

"What? Why?" He hissed and I looked over to the breadknife, looking back at Alex, hoping he'd see the consequences of even thinking negatively of Jordan. "No one just tags along with us...we...we...have a dynamic, I can't have you both teaming up against me"

"We have to Turner" I said and he sighed heavily. "He needs a distraction, poor lad" Before I could eleborate Jordan walked into the kitchen, because apparently no one sleeps.

"Ok, so I have figured out I new way to tell Anya I fancy her" He said enthusatically. "So sometimes women have high standards, from american rom-coms and shit, so I decided, I should just be a chessy tosser from a shitty romance book. Imma write a poem and send flowers" Me and Alex both tried to hide our wince.

'He's in deep' I mouthed to Alex and he nodded slowly. "You could do, but we need your help Jordan" Alex said and I gave him a small smile. "Who's turn is it to come up with the plan?" He asked.

"One sec, I'll spin the wheel" I said, opening the app on my phone, waiting for it to load. "Mine, I'll figure it out on the way there, as long as we don't have anymore distractions are we all set to go?"

"To go where?" A loud voice boomed through the kitchen excitably, cuasing me to almost drop my phone, which was barely working after the tea incident.

"What are you doing here Miles?" I asked and he grinned, running over to us. _No one sleeps, no one sleeps at all._

"I have like sixth sense for when people are planning to go out without me" He said, laughing to himself. "It's not going to be any fun without me, so let's go benders" He added.

Guess we were all now a team, what's next? David's just going to jump us on the way with night vision goggles and a utility belt, wanting to help as well. Speaking of which:

_Dear David, Idk, nothing's really happened yet, I did do a Buzzfeed quiz to see if me and Turner were actually compatible, just to piss you off, it was based on what type of clouds we were, so take of that what you will. The results? You'd be surprised._

"Oh you absolute fucker" Matt opened the oven where the brownies were supposedly cooking and now burning, "What the fuck are we gonna do with these?"

"We'll take them" I said "We may need to defend ourselves"

_**ᴹᵒᵐᵉⁿᵗˢ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᴵ'ᵐ ᵗᵒᵒ ᵗⁱʳᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ ᵗʳʸ ᵗᵒ ʳᵉᵐᵉᵐᵇᵉʳ ʷʰᵃᵗ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᵉᵈ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ, ʸᵒᵘ'ᵈ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉ ᵃᵈᵈⁱᵗⁱᵒⁿᵃˡ ᶜᵒᵐᵖᵃⁿʸ ʷᵒᵘˡᵈ ᵇᵉ ᵉⁿᵗᵉʳᵗ** _ _**ᵃⁱⁿⁱⁿᵍ...** _

  
Risking everything to get into the Daily Mail's station, was like being in some sort of shit pantomime that I never got to go to as a kid, running around my the side of the building and hiding behind random inanimate objects, to hide from security, hoping that a neighbour or the window cleaner wouldn't shout 'she's behind you' just to make life that much more difficult.

"Ight imma say it, because everyone's thinking it..." Miles began as we hid behind a pillar, crouching low. I really felt like we were Disney channel, as we all observed the path to the building, spying in the doorway, head-stack-style. "But Rue's plans? Not a fan"

I rolled my eyes "Everyone hates the Mail and they specifically wrote that fucked article about Alex's lass" I said, watching as the security guard laughed loudly on the phone, "They do illegal and fucked things to expose people, so what's stopping us from doing the same?"

I could feel Alex smirk, "I'm with her on this one" He said and Miles sighed, muttering to himself before agreeing. When the security guard went to the chippie, I pulled my bandanna up to the top of my nose like I was teenager again and Jordan did this same, Alex insisted it was a terrible disguise and I might as well of been wearing and I quote a 'Neon sign with my name on it. 

Smashing the door open: was boring, overused, reinforces dumb horror film tropes, but the door was smashed open with the brownies that Matt burned: makes a statement, adds flavour to the death bed.

"Ok, it's not that I don't understand what's happening here or anything" Jordan as we walked through the empty offices "But can we just clarify for everyone else"

I turned on one of the computers, "My sister's an idealist, big fan of your Sofía..." I explained, looking over to Alex "She spends her spare time, planning a YA styled revolution, she's 15, but she sent me summat on the Monday. That bloke who wrote that article about Sofía, is a huge tosser, always writing about shit like same-sex marriage and abortion laws in England" I said as I scrolled through his articles "Usual shit, loads of scandals as well, mistress gets pregnant, he forced her to have an abortion, when she refused he deported her and the next two kids he had with her, hasn't paid taxes and my personally favourite, hacked a missing girl's phone to listen to her voice mails"

"Absolutely fucked" Muttered Alex "So what, we're letting the world know so he loses his job?"

"Summat like that" I said "Right I've just published the text thread in an article, oh look I can send it to a billboard, might as well. Wait, he also got a gift card to print print tee-shirts, I'll use that later"

"Aye, ok you absolute legend" Miles cheered, picking me up and spinning me around, almost deafening me. "I should hire you for the next time me cousin tries to prank me"

Miles walked back into the table, crashing us both into it, the loud sound interrupting the security guard who was in a intimate moment with his fish and chips. That seemed to be our cue to leave, trying not to get myself into anymore legal trouble did wonders for my athletic ability, or lack off. 

_Dear David, I think I'll limit the extent I provide you with an image of my sneak skills, because I hope someday you'll find out for yourself, you'd find yourself trapped, because I won._

**ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ᵘˢᵉˡᵉˢˢ ʰᵒᵘʳˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒⁿˡʸ ᵐᵒᵐᵉⁿᵗˢ ʷᵒʳᵗʰ ᵗᵉˡˡⁱⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ⁱˢ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒⁿᵉ ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵒᶜᵏˢᵗᵃʳ ⁱⁿ ʷʰᵒ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃˡˡ ˢᵉᵉᵐ ᵗᵒ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᶠᵒʳ ˢᵒᵐᵉ ʳᵉᵃˢᵒⁿ...**

  
"Which time-zone have you been in?" Matt asked, when I finally arrived at the meeting place, I tried to catch my breath as even though I was already late, I ran here, to make myself less late, never good enough was it? "We said, meet up on the seven, even Al got here before you...weren't all of you lot together?"

"We were, but I took some tosser's giftcard and printed some tee-shirts, apparently only Jordan saw their urgency" I said, gesturing to the top I was holding, I opened it to reveal 'DAVEPRICK' that was printed on the fabric, instead of David, as clearly the combination of me and Jordan's creative elements, was uncomparable.

"We started an anti-David society, and you lot all get discounts on the merch" Jordan said, opening his jacket, showing off his top proudly. "All for chairty"

"That's actually really cool, you're for-wait no fook me, the cake is melting!" Matt panicked and Nick couldn't stop laughing. "Right we need to go to the pub now"

As it was his birthday, I guess it was Dan who was responsible for the change of music, from popular 90s rock and the...*shudder* the childhood trauma of britpop, which was actually really nostalgic, so I enjoyed, to the better part of R&B of our teen years.

"Fuck, you lot didn't tell me you were coming" Dan said, trying to supress a smile. "I would've put up the extra defences"

"Oi, careful you" Nick said laughing along with him, "Come here" He said, wrapping his arm around him and ruffling his hair, careful not to ruin it's distinctive pattern "Happy 25th you brummie fetus of a legend"

"Can't believe you're only 25, it's like watching your child grow up, where's all the years gone?" Jamie asked, giving him a hug, Dan rolled his eyes. "We made you a cake"

"Awwww ta" Dan said, and Matt dramtically presented the cake that nearly killed him to make, leaning on one knee. "Happy birthday Dad?"

"Jamie iced the cake, he's illeterate" Matt said, Dan laughed.

"I told you I slipped" Jamie protested. "But you could take it as an early Fathers Day cake"

"As long as I get another next year" Dan said and Jamie grinned. "And as long as I get to eat the cake, I don't care what it says"

"Unless it says, **Caution Poision** on it, or summat" I said "I didn't really know what to get you mate, school should've really taught us how to shop for adults...so I erm, got you a card, and made you customized Memes on the inside about you, because all the cards at the Card Factory are really shit"

He grinned as he opened it, giving me a hug, I was a little taken back at first, but wrapped my arms around him, _I guess we hug now._ "Ta Rue, I guess I'm finally older than you know" He grinned and I rolled my eyes. _I wasn't that young, I was only three years younger than the Monkeys and like a few days younger than Dan._

"Drop everything, I also got you a gift" Jordan said, passing him a folded piece of paper dramatically, Dan took it cautiously. "Alpacca adoption" Jordan said. "Equal custordy, because I can't afford to do it on me own, if you don't accept it I will cry"

"Birthday present to help you out?" Dan asked with a smirk "Go on then, co-parenting" Jordan cheered.

We managed to get some random pissed idiot to take over Dan's shift at the bar, as we danced with Dan on the dancefloor, with a series of fortunate Outkast songs playing through the jukebox.

Matt had started some sort of dance off with Dan that attracted a crowd to a brilliant tune by Britney Spears. I tried not to take sides, laughing at both of them equally, but I did applaud more for Dan's slut drop.

Every moments comes and goes, my chest burned slightly for a moment, choking between sharp gasp of breaths. By slow, torturous degrees, the coughs eased in intensity and then slowly, slowly passed. And with Jesus' second miracle, I let it pass without doing something stupid.

"Fuck" I muttered under my breath.

Attention all insufferable idiots, to your left it looks like it's the consequences of my actions catching up with me, and if you look closer, really squint your eyes ,you may be able to see the inevitable, which is the end of everything. I looked around me cautiously, before pushing past the crowds, 'sneak mode' as Nick would say.

_Dear David, what the fuck is happening to me?_

I opened the back door, to a small storage room, just me and the lovely boxes. _Dear David, you didn't do this to me._

I shut the door.   
_Dear David w a h_  
 _h t_  
 _t_  
 _e_

  
_Fuck_ _?_

And then everything fell, my body met my mind on the cold floor. _What would you do, if you were to die?_ A familair voice polluted my mind, the one I hated. _Would you be scared?_

_I don't think I'd know, the world passes us by in such a way that we never take a moment to consider whether any of it's real or not._ I closed my eyes, trying just burn the voice out of my mind. _If we did, we'd break under the strain of that one question we never ask ourselves the one we want to ask but are too scared._

_Yeah, sure and what would that be?_ I heard the door open and close again. _What if we're already dead?_

And without any warning, the ghosts left me, instead Alex Turner made himself comfortable, laying next to me on the cold floor. He turned to face me and I turned to face him. "I think my life's a mess" I whispered to him, his gaze softened. "I think I've just broken myself, without being anything" 

He hesistated for a moment, conflicted. "Was Matt's dancing that bad?" He tried, but when I didn't laugh he sighed once more, shuffling closer to me. "It's not true..." He whispered. 

"I got myself caught in a memory, I think" I whispered "But summat happened before and now I'm falling, I don't know what the fuck is happening to me, I'm trying to find it but looking back will kill me"

"You can't live like that" He lowered his voice "You can't just run from the past, you can't pretend things end the moment they are over, you'll destroy yourself"

  
"Anything that's ever good never lasts, you can only enjoy that one moment, and no two moments can be the same, otherwise everything would fade" I explained. "And then, everything will be nothing"

"Look at you..." He whispered "You've trapped yourself, in this idea of impermanence, nothing lasts forever. But you won't last at all if you do this to yourself, confine yourself to a moment of chaos, you let each stroke of pain fall into one another, rendering yourself to delve with the words you write, for what? Trust me, if you shatter yourself to write, it won't change the fact that people don't care"

I thought for a moment "You've read my articles" Was all I managed to say, running away once more I guess from the point, the only thing I could concentrate on.

"Out of spite, initially and to prove you were heartless" He said with a small smile "But I guess that's where I was wrong, you've seen some shit things, what you write about in itself, risk your life for, broke me. But the way you wrote it, the words found a way to engrave themselves into my mind until I solve them anyway. Your words haunt me, they never leave, they persist even when I string them together to solve your riddles in the darkness, like drawing constellations out of stars, they seemed to get brighter, more vibrant the more it gets dark" 

"Wow, that was almost Pinterest quote worthy" I said and he frowned, _right, he was being nice._ "You'd know what it's like, I've listened to your songs, again out of pure spite to mock you for being petty or summat. Even when I want to murder you, I could never lie and say you're not the lyrics you write, after everything, they're still a wonder." He raised his eyebrow, like he didn't quite believe that...doesn't he have like millions of fans listening to his music? Typical.

"It's hard to imagine you've been through everything you write about, but the way I see it, your music is like a storm. Everything that ever was and ever will be, that sunk itself in dark ink, is suddenly exposed, by a bolt of lightening, all the pain we feel, we didn't know we feel you word perfectly in like two words and then we remember it's there, like a black and white polaroid set on fire...and then when song ends, it burns out. And everyone is left, unable to stop thinking about it, the lyrics of that song, our minds become cold and grey like the last wind of ash of a cigarette that you know you shouldn't smoke, but feel no guilt in doing so" I said, looking away from him "See we can pretend we're writing an English lit essay, that's what music does to people that's why we have it, people need an excuse to feel summat because we can't do it ourselves. But more importantly and out of general curiosity, to the people you write about actually exist?"

He looked a little dazed for a moment, taking a little while to recompose himself. _The moment ended._ "Well to an extent, heartbreak is always based on the real shit because you can't even imagine it without thinking about...but everything else..." He hesitated "Ok, I don't talk about it, but a lot of the time it's just random things I see and it seems like summat clever or like...deep to make a person like, always vaguely based on someone real but not really ever. Like a couple of months ago someone got in trouble for smoking inside a pub, and I thought that would be a cool little quirk for a song or summat, if that makes sense?"

"I think it does, is it like when you watch a show or read as book, and you get random inspiration to add an aspect or new personality trait to a character or the better version or yourself that you daydream about?" I asked "Like imaginary Rue can speak French and rolls her socks down or summat...don't worry, no one's going to judge, your musics too good for them to care"

"Ta, but you need to stop complimenting me, it's making me uncomfortable" He said and I frowned

"Not fair, I accepted your compliment even though it killed me, just accept kindness" I said and he squirmed.

"Nooo, I can't do that, my mind reacts to positive shit terribly" He said, and I smirked. "It feels like terrible cringy quotes that Mums have on the wall"

"Ah ok, that's calm" I said, unable to hide my smile. "Be unapologetically yourself"

"Fuck you" He said, pushing my arm, not helping with the laughter that took over me.

"She said she could so she did" I added and he groaned, nudging me again. "Life is not waiting for the storm to pass but learning how to dance in the rain"

"Ahhh" He screamed before burying my head in my shoulder. "How long have you spent at the Card Factory?"

"Enjoy the little things in life" I said, and he pushed me again. "Stars can't shine without darkness" My body rolled to the side as he pushed me again, I pulled hin with me and we both laughed. 

And when the last breaths of laughter brushed away and we were left in silence once more:"Life, laugh, love" His smile fell.

"Die" He said simply

"How dare you disrespect me helping you through your self-discovery, via montage" I said and he rolled his eyes "I now will jump out of the nearest window"

"Please do" He said "But for all serious reasons, you know I have to ask...what would the music be in your montage?"

I thought for a moment, my gaze continuing to provoke's it's natural habit, it needed to tantalize Alex by drifting away from him. "You're just trying to find out my music taste...well it would have to be some of that 2010 cheesy, motivational songs, and I do fancy myself a little Ellie Goulding now that I think about it...or Katy Perry"

"Wow that's awful" He said and I sat up, pushing my hair back to tell him off. "You have terrible music taste"

"I don't really have a music taste, I listen to everything when I was younger..." I began and he groaned.

"Oh here we go" He said laughing and I hit him lightly, resting my arm on him whilst I thought.

"Shush" I said "Listen to me tragic backstory" He laughed again.

"When I was a young un' I just listened to the radio, I still don't have any speakers or Spotify premium...as Spotify likes to remind me every day and Apple is not getting any of my money. I used end up listening to the CD's I already had in me house, the one's we used to buy before we could just listen on our phones...so we're talking either parent's shit, kids bop or Now That's What I Call 2010...a lot of Katy Perry and JLS.

"So as soon as I got me own income as me parental unit are cheap fucks, I listened to all music, so yeah I'll listen to the Strokes, Katy Perry, all indie bands for some reason, German rock bands and mainstream music as well, Justin Bieber is a tosser but some of shit is decent" I added and he winced. "Don't judge I'll listen to anything, with the obvious exceptions"

"Hmmm, sure but now I have to see yout playlist" He said, trying to take my temporary phone out of my pocket.

"Noooo" I said, trying to stop him . "I only have two playlists, one for me funeral I made we me mate as a joke, called NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL DEATH, couple of ironic tunes like Rehab, and my main playlist is too embarassing. I have like random film scores on there"

"That I have to see" He said taking my phone before I could stop him "How To Train Your Dragon?" He raised his eyebrow.

"Everyone likes the soundtrack"I said. "What about you? What would your montage music be?"

"Probably a strokes song, or something outplayed and overused Like something from Rocky Four...Eye Of The Tiger, because I'm unoriginal as fuck...tha knows" He said and I grinned. "Or I could go the other way and chose something that contradicts the tone" 

"Not bad" I said and he smiled. "But I still need to know what you listen to, everyone's always needing new music"

"You can borrow some of me CDs or summat if you want" He said, "Yes CDS, I don't know shit about phones, also send me your playlist or summat, I need to go through it and make fun of it in a deeper length" He said passing me my phone back.

It was a good thing he gave me it back at that point and not a second later, because it buzzed in agony with the next message:

**From: DO NOT ANSWER!!!**

**One month left Rue, how much are we putting on me winning this thing?**

_Dear David, I'll kill you either way._

_Yours murderously, Rue xx_


	20. Somebody Once Told Me The World Was Gonna Kill Me

〝I wanna steal your innocence  
To me, my life, it don't make sense〞

_*✭_ ˚

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression 'As beautiful as the morning after an emotional breakdown' 

Because I'll tell you I woke up that morning feeling more shit than usual, more shit than if I were hungover. 

And I'm writing this sitting in the kitchen sink, and imagining this scenerio grows dimmer, so no, I don't think I'm able to describe how I was feeling exactly about the whole Alex situation, the situation of him being...nice. And if this keyboard can't type it, then fuck it, it can't be done. 

Just imagine the lowest point in your life, but then forget it, as it has no relevance to this whatsoever I just fancied a bit of pain, for my own entertainment purposes. 

Back at home, there was no clear line between religion and eavesdropping. Since there was nothing to do other than, commit crime and try to avoid said crime, the only other hobby we all could participate in was gossiping. We'd have an entire clubhouse based around it if we could, with church signs saying: ' ** _Listen out for Jesus...and more importantly listen out for other people's drama'_**

I say this for some context, as when I arrived back to the recording studio, a little bit early for a change as the birds outside decided to wake me up at fucking 5am, Alex and Jamie were in a deep conversation which, intentional or not, I couldn't help but listen in to. This is what my home life did to me. "I mean it's just a dream, it may not mean anything, I've had loads of weird dreams and I'm married, I'm sure it wasn't that bad Al" Jamie said as I walked in. 

"What are you talking about?" I asked, taking my headphones out of my ears and sitting down the arm of the settee they were sitting on. Alex's cheeks flushed a rosewater tint, _right, men._

He looked to Jamie desperately, who was trying his best not to laugh, Jamie cleared his throat. "We...were talking about..." He tapped his fingers against his knee. "...dreams actually" He smirked and Alex elbowed him in the rips. 

Jamie fell dramatically to the floor and after Jamie recieted some shitty dialouge about being betrayed by his lover, Alex finally spoke. He cleared his throat "We erm...we were just talking about dreams, Cookeh took a Psychology course once, and he's been trying to prove to Katie that it weren't a waste of thirty-five quid, so I'm reporting my...weird dreams" He said, pausing after every other word.

I raised my eyebrow. "Jamie's a dream expert?" I asked and they two of them glanced between in each other and nodded, slowly. "Cool maybe you can help me with me dreams, see, it's like I'm always in someone's house but it's bigger and I'm being chased by summat, usually like, Cybermen from Doctor Who. Or I'm going to an exam I haven't prepared for, but I think that's just from A-Level trauma. Lat night I got a combination, mainly zombies and with a light exam at the end"

"You sound like a weather lass" Jamie said and I laughed.

"Yeah, this morning on the Dream Synopsis: we have a few grey clouds with light showers of zombies, then later on down in the East Midlands there will be a possible thunderstorm and a sexual awakening" I said and Jamie laughed loudly, Alex pushed him off the settee again. 

"I always get dreams about having to get you lot onto stage but we're like an hour late and summat always delays us" Kierra said, sipping her tea and shuddering at the thought of it. 

I helped Jamie back up, who purposefully sat on Alex to squish him. As I liked to partner up with anyone to bully Turner, I put my feet on the space Jamie was sitting on prior, in order to stop him from pushing Jamie back there. His method was simply to take us all down with him, he pushed Jamie off him a stood up, going round the otherside to push me off.

But as I was, ahem, more vengeful to say the least, I put up a pretty decent fight, pushing him back. But it was common news that I'd never survive the Hunger Games, as he easily pushed me off, by simply tickling me, but I took him down with me. I didn't need steriods to cheat, I was high on pettiness. 

"You...you erm, changed your hair" He said, beneath the awkwardness of us being tangled together on the floor. I raised my eyebrow, he cleared his throat. "Looks...erm....nice" 

I sighed. "Not you too" I groaned, "Jordan doesn't like it either" 

"I don't hate it" Jordan complained as he walked through the door, only just arriving but already aware of what was going on. "It's just going to take a while to get used to, and it's your own fault that your hair's uneven now" 

I rolled my eyes, deciding to get up from the floor. Watching us try to untangle ourselves, must have been likely watching those weird birds on Planet Earth that dance around their mates before they fuck.

  
Just Attenborough aggressively narrating this segment of my life ' _And here we have the two idiots with a collective brain power of a gnome, attempting to run away from their predators, now observe as their lack of survival instincts gets them brutally eaten'_

Now I didn't believe in miracles, but when we got up from the floor, I momentarily considered going to church, but that moment ended _'A small victory for the female idiot, but will be short lives'_

"No it's not me fault, the lass made me hair too long, I asked her not to, and I didn't have time to cut it" I tried to defend myself. "Loads of people set fire to their hair, your cousin taught me how to do it" Jordan raised his eyebrow. _Not even lying, check Youtube._

"So that's what you were doing when I was doing all the work back here yesterday?" Kierra asked, shaking her head, trying to hide her smirk. "You left the room a mess, biscuit crumbs everywhere. All I do is clean up after you, like a fucking housewife"

"I protect this lot from the media, wife" I laughed

"You're trying to get everyone killed by the media and you brought the police here...wait why am I the wife?" She asked I shrugged. "Well anyway, since you've got an interview tommorow, you lot can have the afternoon off"

This recieved long, exaggerated cheers, "See you at eleven" Jordan said, putting his jacket on and ruffling his hair.

"Woah, woah" Matt said, "You two aren't spending your day off together?"

"No everytime we get a day off, we go our seperate ways..."Jordan explained dramatically wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close. "And then basically have a competition to see who can have the better day"

"That I have to get on board with" Nick said, finally looking up from his phone. "I feel like I'd have to team up with Jordan, can't ruin me and Rue's dynamic"

"It's a no for me" Matt said, placing his hands on his hips. "Some of us have families to spend time with, tragically" He looked over at Jamie who pretended he didn't hear him.

"I'm in" Alex said, resting his arm on my shouder, I pushed it off. "Me and Rue will destroy the both of you"

"In other words, if we're successful he'll take credit for it. If not he'll say it was all my idea" I said cyncially and he grinned, nudging me. "Dream team"

"And while you're off flundering around with other men, I'll finally be able to catch up with _Peaky Blinders_ " Kierra said, earning another cheer, as practically ever aspect of her personality we cheered for.

_Dear David, do you think if I had more of a personality, I'd be worth cheering for? Wait, no, that sounds weird, that wasn't edgy whatsoever, ignore that, I'll find more aesthetic gothic quotes later._

_**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ qᵘᵉᵘᵉˢ ᶠⁱˡˡᵉᵈ ᵐᵉᵐᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵈᵘˡˡ ˢᵒᶜⁱᵃˡ ᵐᵉᵈⁱᵃ ˢᵗᵒʳⁱᵉˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶜᵃʳᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵏⁱᵈ'ˢ ˢᶜʰᵒᵒˡ ᵖˡᵃʸ ᴶᵃⁿⁱᶜᵉ.**_  


If I had a time machine, I would go back in time and slap both past me and past David, for getting me in this situation, how was I even supposed to tolerate someone...with such shit tastes?

  
"Nah, you're mental" Alex said as we walked down the clouded streets of High Green, the whole scenery really looking like a promo for gritty detective series made by the BBC in like 2004. "How can you not like vinegar on your chips?"

"Because I don't have some sort of mutated organ system in me body that let's me ingest it" I said as I ate my, perfect chips that were not contaminated by that poison. 

"Nah you're just a weird chav" He said and I nudged him, pushing him to the side a little, causing him to nearly drop his potato fritter off his fish and chips "Hey!"

"I think the universe is trying to say summat about your demonic food source" I said and he smirked, taking out a spare packet of vinegar from the bag and poured it all over my fish and chips, I almost tripped over trying to stop him from murdering my food "Nooooo you absolute...ughhh, scally" He laughed as I tried to shake off the essence of the plague from my jacket, I got my revenge by wiping them on his shoulder.

"I can't afford a funeral" I said, looking down at the tray of chips in misery. I gave him my destroyed chips which I think was his plan all along. That was a David move. Too much? I apologise.

"What's the plan then o'mardy one?"He asked, finishing his fish and chips

"Erm one second...a need a random pick" I said and he nodded, holding on to my shoulders and spinning me around, as I held out my finger. " _I'm spinning around, move out my way"_ I laughed, he caught me before I could fall over.

 _"I know you're feeling me"_ He laughed along with me "I'm...yeah I don't know the rest of the words, what have we got" He looked where my hand pointed at, which I couldn't tell as I was so fucking dizzy, I would've fallen over it he wasn't holding me. "Oh an arcade, oh fuck, haven't been to one since I were like twenty"

"Well then, onwards" I said, beginning to walk in the wrong direction, onto the road, I guess my dizzy state's recreational included suicide. He laughed, capturing my hand to make sure I didn't get run over. "Probably not the best move, we'd both be best of dead" I joked, my grin falling when I realized that I said that out loud.

"What?"He asked and I scrunched up my nose as I cringed. _For fucks sake._

This was one of those moments when I wanted my life to be like a video game from the arcade, so I could die and restart all of this.

  
**RUECRAFT**.

PLEASE SELECT YOUR CHARACTER:

  
**RUE 'THAT'S NOT MY NAME' MARSH**

**STRENGTHS:** READING, WRITTING, SARCASM, BEING PETTY, MEDIOCRE MUSIC AND ART SKILLS. 

**WEAKNESSES:** SOCIETY, REALITY AND ALEX TURNER. 

Loading...

█████▒▒▒▒▒ 30%

Level 1

Alex took no note from my slip up, and we continued to join the thirteen year old roadmen in the arcade. 

_Dear David, if life really was a video game, you'd be one of the little bosses you'd have to kill before being able to even glance at the real mob boss. Is it because you're 5ft? I don't know, you can decide which bit to be offended by._

**𝙾𝚋𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎: 𝚃𝚛𝚢 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚞𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎**

•𝙴𝚊𝚛𝚗 𝚙𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜.

•𝙻𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚙𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚊𝚠𝚔𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚘𝚛 𝚊𝚌𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚞𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚜. 

"How are you so good at this?" I asked him as his points doubled mine on the dance game. He smirked as we jumped on both of the side arrows before spinning around.

"Because, for Secret Santa, years back, Matt got a Dance Mats for the Wii" Alex explained as he hit another perfect score "And I always roommate with Matt on tour, practice" 

"Right, so the only way I can beat it you is if I move in with you and Matt?" I suggested and he laughed "Pass...oh fuck, even if I gained superpowers right now, I'm still miles behind you, it'll take a miracle" He smirked, sacrificing his win by jumping onto my...dancefloor? I have no idea what they're called. He did the left side and I attempted to right side. 

"Look at that, I'm a miracle" He teased, pointing at the screen, revealing my points catching up with his, "And besides it would be better off if you didn't move in with Matt, it's like living with your mum, always making sure I'm washing and shit"

"I don't really care, as long as we could get a dog" I said and he laughed.

"Yeah we'd get a dog, we could also get an indoor trampoline" He added, getting praised by the dance game which cried ' _AWESOME!'_ at us in neon purple, resurrecting traumas from the 90s. 

"Nah I'm more of a bouncy castle type" I said, _'SUPER COOL!'_ the dance machine said, I guess it approved. "Gordon Ramsey would live with us as well and we'd have an indoor laser quest, Jordan would win that, he always does"

"How about shrine for David, or is a dartboard with his face on speaking to me more?" He said and Iaughed.

"Brilliant, should we sign up for Grand Designs?" I asked, _'BRILLIANT'!"_

"Definitely" He agreed. 

**𝙼𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚃𝚘𝚕𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎: +𝟷𝟶 𝚙𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚜**

After a few games of Mario Kart and teaming up to beat twelve year olds at basketball, additional height only given by him lifting me up to reach the hoop, evil duo, it was decided that the last game we would ever play as a team was some weird zombie shooting game, as I cost us the win by shooting him instead as I was a little petty, not going to lie. 

"Are you sure this isn't some sort of weird time-machine? Haven't done this shit since the 90s" He said as we he shut the door to the photobooth, as part of the rules were, that we had to have proof of what we got up to after Jordan insisted he met Will Smith one time. 

"I was like ten in the 90s" I said, shutting the curtain on my side, drowning us both in darkness. Vibrant light from the screen reflecting onto both of our faces, giving us life. "And besides if I had a time machine, I'd obviously go back to Renaissance times"

"What so you could have a word with Shakespeare and correct your English teacher or...to have a play written about you?" He asked and I crinkled my nose, cringing at the thought of that. 

"Only if it were a tragedy, but yeah I'd have him make shit up or confirm the theories that I wrote in me essays like ...Othello was actually in a relationship with Iago, you know I failed me mock because I wrote that shit? " I said "Where would you go?"

"I would just go and meet past me and see if we'd get along" He said "I don't think we would" I laughed with him, and the first bright flash slipped through, the picture framing us grinning at one another.

The next two featured a beautiful exhibition of the two us crafting the worst facial expressions we could, for the next slide, I tried to go for the win, I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and quickly leaned against him, our cheeks pressing together, eyes closed as we smiled. The next one flowed in too quickly and captured us both looking at the camera confused, Alex looked dead inside and mine looked like a fucking mugshot, just like my passport. 

I dropped my arm from him and we both just stared at each other, clearly lacking further creativity. For the grand finale, he decided to go for a spontaneous move, diving back at me dramatically, the camera managed to get the moment just before we both crashed the floor, into a blur. This was another moment in my life, where I was disappointed that I didn't film it, as I could've got £250 from You've Been Framed.

**𝙼𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚃𝚘𝚕𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎: +𝟻𝟶 𝚙𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚜**

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵘⁿⁱⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᶜᵒⁿᵛᵉʳˢᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"Alex I think you're weirder than me" I said as I struggled to tie my laces, _I mean really, why were they two polarising lengths?_ "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

  
"Nope, but it's part of Kierra's bucket list...which is probably from Pinterest, what's the worst that can happen?" Alex shrugged, leaning over and fixing my lace problem. 

The thing about Kierra, like every teenager bored with exams back in the day, she had envisioned herself a lengthy, specific, aesthetic Pinterest board bucket list. But unlike all of us who had done it, we're all guilty, she actually had crafted herself a very detailed plan and timeline, like she did with everything else in her life. She was actually going to try and complete hers, while the rest of us daydream about doing those things, without ever doing them. "You ready?"

I sighed. "I guess this will be a fun way to die" I said.

"You're a little dramatic" He noted as he stood up holding onto the wall to maintain some form of balance. I hadn't roller-skated since I was fourteen, neither had Alex apparently.

"And yet, I still don't have a reality telly-show" I said, standing up a little too quickly, instantly wobbling and nearly slipped over if I didn't hold onto Alex's arm by reflex. I awkwardly recomposed myself and Alex tried not to laugh. 

We set off at the same time, pushing our feet forward and grabbing on to each other every time one of us slipped. But we both lacked balance or strength, so it instantly ended up with us collapsing onto the floor in a pit of laughter.

"Oh, we're terrible" I said in-between breaths of laughter. We managed to help each other back up. 

"I think this may kill me" Alex laughed.

"Who's being dramatic now?" I teased, slipping as I did so, landing in his arms again like I was on a Match.Com advert. 

"Still you" Alex said, unable to pack away his laughter at my reaction to almost falling over again.

As we were the only ones out of the handful people there who weren't pensioners, we were the loudest element there. Our personal best was about six seconds without falling over, there was a sort of rule between us, that if one of us fell we had to drag the other with us. 

"I think I'm getting b-" I began, before slipping and crashing into Alex, sending us both into the wall.

"You were saying?" He grinned, as it really was only retired skaters here, the music choice...was ancient to say the least. "God, what is this music?"

I pretended to look offended, placing a hand to my chest. "How dare you, it's brilliant" I shuffled a little, pretending to mime the lyrics...even though I didn't know them. Alex rolled his eyes, but spun me around terribly, which was a bad idea as that resulted in the both of us on the floor again. 

"Oh fuck, I think I broke me skull" Alex said, trying to look serious, which was difficult as he was still laughing.

"I'm sure it won't make much of a difference if you did" I said, he nudged me, but we were still unable to stop laughing, lying next to each other on the floor. As we really were the loudest thing there, even over the shit music, and our position was a fire hazard, it wasn't long before we were both kicked out. 

But, we were allowed to print a picture from the security footage of one of our more, gracious falls. Worth it. 

**𝚂𝚘 𝚏𝚊𝚛 𝚜𝚘 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍: +𝟽𝟶 𝚙𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚜**

**ᴬᶠᵗᵉʳ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵒᵖⁱᶜ ᵒᶠ ᶠᵒᵒᵈ ᵃⁿᵈ ˢᵉᵛᵉʳᵃˡ ᵐᵒᵐᵉⁿᵗˢ ᵒᶜᶜᵘᵖⁱᵉᵈ ᵍʳⁱᵉᵛⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᵃˡˡᵉⁿ ᶜʰⁱᵖˢ, ᵐᵃʸ ᵗʰᵉⁱʳ ˢᵒᵘˡˢ ʳᵉˢᵗ ⁱⁿ ᵖᵉᵃᶜᵉ...**

"I think you should start making some form of scrapbook" Alex said, "Of all the places you've gotten us kicked out of" I grinned as I dragged him by the hand down the street. 

"We're not going to get kicked out" I assured him as I tried my best to blend into the crowd of people who were supposed to be here, which was difficult as I was still pushing past people, trying to hide from the bouncer. "And besides, I would enjoy doing that, we can have it alongside my mugshots from when I was arrested"

"You got arrested?" He asked I smirked "We're doomed, why do you want to even go to a party filled with rich people?" When the bouncer wasn't looking I quickly slipped under the railings, it was skill I acquired through my teen years. 

"You count as a rich tosser. Because, it would piss them off if they ever found out, also better everything, apart from dancing, for some reason they don't dance" I said and he groaned,

"Tell me about it, it's the worse and try not to get High School Musical in me head while we complain about it" He said and I frowned.

"I were going to make that reference first, fuck" I laughed. The room was a riot of colour, everyone was a little less hyped than they should be. Motion swirled recklessly, apparently we didn't need any drinks to dance like we were on _Kids Bop._

"For someone so good at Dance Mats, you sure do dance like me Grandad...after he were confined to a wheelchair" I said cynically and he rolled his eyes.

"Very funny" He said "Would you rather be dancing with tall, brooding and 100% Grandad aged sugar daddy over there?" He asked, pointing over to a rich man, surrounded by a group of, insanely beautiful women. _Fuck, why did rich old white men, always pull better than me?_

"You bet" I said and he laughed "But it would be unfair, on everyone else fighting for his attention"

"Since when did you care about being fair?" He teased and I grinned "I can't believe them all, just sitting around, why else did they come here? This isn't a Year 7 disco"

I laughed, snapping my glow stick a little too enthusiastically , breaking it, it's contents dripping all over me. Alex laughed at me, so I mixed in the glow in his hair and cheeks, he laughed, trying to catch enough to get more on me, we tumbled into giddy darkness, melting into the party, into a mindset that only seemed acceptable in entwined dreams. 

If I really did make a scrapbook, I would've totally made sure to take a selfie with the incredibly fit bouncer that threw us of the rich party. Jordan is never going to believe me. 

Even though the damage was already done, we still decided to run far away from the mess we made, giddyness and all. 

W

  
e began to slow down, the song from that pit of hell stuck in Alex's head

"All along the watchtower" He sang terribly as I we spun around lazily on the empty streets.

"Fuck no" I said laughing.

"While all the women came and went" He continued to sing causing me to pretend to gag.

"I think you missed a line" I said, my back against the wall as we stopped swaying. He smirked at me, not really caring how close we were.

I looked around me cautiously, using my arm to push him against the wall, next to me, I pretended to look around us, shuffling across the wall until I reached the corner, mimicking a gun as I checked the cost was clear, "Cost in clear go, go,go" I said and he laughed as he copied my earlier movements.

I peaked round the corner again "Looks like we lost them, we made it" I laughed and he pushed himself away from the wall.

"No you didn't" He said mimicking his own gun.

"Betrayal!" I gasped, diving out of the way in slow motion, we continued our game of fake laser tag, until we got shouted at by one of the people living on the street.

And we were running again, until we were free from Karens. "Do you think we won?" He asked.

"I don't know, we'll go back and find out that Jordan went skydiving or some shit like that" I said and he laughed.

"Well nothing tops being kicked out of two places" He said "How did we even manage that?"

"Over the years I've put it down to the fact that having issues and causing problems for myself is becoming like a game of illegal Pokémon" I said "I've gotta catch them all"

"That was shit" He laughed and I rolles my eyes, nudging his shoulders.

"And yet you're still laughing" I observed.

"Yeah... _at_ you" He protested and I raised my eyebrow.

"Sure, sure" I said with a smirk, leaning my head against the wall, metting his gaze.

"All illegal shit behind, and fearing for me life...I had fun" He whispered, giving me a small smile. "We should... erm...maybe do another competiton again, perhaps, possibly" He rambled and I smiled.

"Yeah and we can be on opposite teams" I said and his smile fell. "I'm having a laff" I added "Sure we can, but I don't know how that works with our strictly professional relationship"

"Fuck you" He said and I laughed.

"You would like that wouldn't you" I added laughing and he hid his face in his harms, trying to hide his laughter. "Nonce"

"I hate you" He said, wiping tears from his eyes.

"I'm convinced" I teased.

**𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚍𝚍𝚎𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚌𝚕𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚎𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚎𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚛: -𝟷𝟶𝟶𝟶 𝚙𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚜**

**GAME OVER**

  
_Dear David, oh when does this get easier?_

_Yours concerned, Rue x_  
  



	21. My Top 10 Anime Fights: As Disappointing As When You Realize It's A Watch Mojo Video

〝 _Jarring of judgement and reasons defeat_  
_The sweet heat of her breath in my mouth I'm alive〞_

_*✭_ ˚

Apparently, if you have nothing, you pretend to have everything.

If you're powerless, you pretend you're in control and that every little shitty thing that happens, your mind tells you that's the way you want it.

I think that was the sort of mindset that occurs when people like us, found an excuse to celebrate. In case you were confused, fireworks, burning things in a bonfire, itchy face paint and shit loud music, that no one would never willingly listen to...but get hyped up about it if it's played out loud, was all part of the package that came with this strange day.

Since England is a small shit hole, we hadn't done much good, well anything we could actually celebrate that wasn't the mass murder or colonisation of others. The closest, morally alright day was Bonfire night...the Catholics had us celebrate a bloke who tried, and failed to blow up the Houses of Parliament. Begs the question to why no one else gets rewarded for attempted murder...right, capitalism. 

"Right which one of you irresponsible fuckers gave fireworks to Jamie?" Matt asked he found us amongst the crowds, passing pints around. "That literally breaks like, fifteen of Kierra's rules"

"Take a guess" Alex said, still trying to figure a way to tuck his hair back in a super cool, Rockstar way beneath his beanie, which Matt insisted he brought so he wouldn't complain about getting cold. Matt sighed, looking over to me. 

"Why do you always think just because someone did summat fucked but entertaining, it must've been me?" I asked and both Alex, Matt and Nick raised their eyebrows. "Fine, I got bored, but it was also because no one told me of the 'Cookeh incident' that made that rule-"

There was a loud bang, that made be scream, I turned around to see Jamie, running towards us with a wild pack of fourteen year-olds in Adidas and a handful of fireworks, that were sparking under a faint flame. 

"Aye, here we go!" He shouted, this being some sort of stage cue as one of the lads with a puma hat played Katy Perry, the orchestral score to serenade Jamie's performance, he spun around and released the rockets, that shot up into the sky. Me and his army of tiny supporters cheered as the fiery sparks whipped through the sky, bursting through the night, brilliant inks of light on a canvas of stars.

"That's why" Matt said, trying to maintain his disappointed frown, but couldn't as Jamie's performance was too impressive. "Last time he wasn't so successful, thank Bowie he only hit a tree"

Kierra was only slightly better at pretending to be more pissed than impressed, "You" She said pointing at me with her ice cream spoon, I put my hands up surrender looking around me, just in case. "Yes, you, I spent the afternoon making sure this wasn't gonna happen and you ruin it anyway and I spent the morning fixing, the heater you broke" She laughed and she attempted to tackle me but I grabbed her hands in time.

"I've already apologised for that-oh fuck we sound like an old married couple, I'm sorry wife, I was busy with Jordan" I said and she rolled her eyes.

"Why am I the wife?" She asked and and I laughed, wrapping my arms around her. 

"Alright, you lot owe me twenty quid" Jamie said when he finally decided to join us again. There was a mumble of complaints, but Matt, Alex and Nick eventually gave in, handing him the cash. I wasn't even sure why they had bets involving money, weren't they all like earning more an hour than I'll ever earn?

Jordan returned back from the stall he was running with Dan, it was a series of games to provoke David, like a dartboards and hook a duck with his face on it, all money was to go to an Alpaca charity. "What's with this...wanker aesthetic?" I asked him, gesturing to his leather jacket and sunglasses. "We don't need another one" 

"Oh, well I've come to a conclusion with Anya, being nice didn't work. And you know I hate to generalize Rue" Jordan explained. "But all women want bastards"

"Maybe a bit of an exaggeration" I suggested and he shook his head. "I am the bastard in the relationship usually" 

Jordan ignored me and I rolled my eyes. "We've still got the giant bear prize for hook a duck, it's unbeatable " He said with a grin.

I didn't even look at Nick before he said: "First one to win it gets a point?". 

"I'll take that" I said as I finished my sandwich quickly, passing my crusts to Alex.

After yesterday's competition, Nick and Jordan seemed to have won by miles with their apparent trip to Lego Land in Birmingham, but as there was no photo evidence, there was a small argument on who was winning over all with our bets as we weren't keeping track. From then on, we were. 

"And what am I supposed to do, whilst you're off floundering around with other men, we're not a married couple" She added before Jamie could interject "I'm the husband" She added quickly. 

After Nick won the big bear, which he decided he was going to give to Matt's daughter, and several more games, it wasn't long until I realized why there weren't many holiday brochures advertising HighGreen's funfair's because, like the rest of England it was so fucking boring. 

  
If High Green had a honest Wikipedia entry, it would say something like:

**_Highgreen, Sheffield._ **

- _Highgreen is a miserable town in South Yorkhsire. It has never been featured in Location, Location: escape to Yorkshire as everyone wants to escape from Highgreen not to._

  
- _It's filled mainly with white people over the age of 130. Come here to be an undertaker, otherwise don't bother._  
_See also:_ _Hell_ _,_ _Pit of Satan_ _,_ _the Abyss, Purgatory._

I guess I could admit that the bumper cars were alright, especially as I found out that Nick actually experienced road rage, so I took a note to never get in a car if he was driving, unless I was like, really bored.

And I'd like to say I had a good life, I'm pretty sure that I've had a good run, and everything had been all fun and games more or less until this whole blackmailing thing, so I guess it would be a shame if after everything, I died in Sheffield all because Nick and Matt ran up to us in flustered panic to say "Sofía's here!"

Alex dropped the tray of Fish and Chips in his hands, to my dismay as he had purposefully only put vinegar on half of them as he knew I'd steal some. And in that moment he looked...looked...well, you know when you have to suddenly pause the Telly and it's always on an awkward scene/face? Yeah that's what everything looked like now.

So if this really did end up killing me, I think I would've still have won and this life game. I mean how many people can say they got blackmailed to attempt to seduce a rockstar who's face was feature on thousands of lockscreens? I'm not sure if that's a popular feature of a bucket list.I could see the headlines now: _Local Journalist With A Dumb Real Name Died Via Embarassment._

"What?" He asked his voice cracking, and in that moment I became guilt. I stood on the wooden table, looking around the crowds trying to spot her, which through the crowds, trying to spot a 5,4 lass was like a live action version of _Where's Wally?_ I was shit at that game.

"Oh shit, she's over there!" I said, pointing over in her vague direction, getting pulled down by Kierra quickly. "She's embarassed to be seen in public with me" I joked.

"What do we do, what do we do?" Nick began to panic. "How do we act? Oh my fuck- wait do you think she'd give us her autograph?"

Alex was still lost in himself, depriving the world around him of his attention. "Wait how did you know what she looked like?" He asked me and everything sunk.

I tried my best not to look guilty or suspicous, but unlike the common belief on Tumblr, my best was never good enough. Strangely enough, my fear had an odd habit of presenting itself in my thoughts in song, my mind kept repeating _HE_ _KNOWS, HE KNOWS_ , in the tune of _I Know What You Did Last Summer_. Which was frustrating as I didn't even like that song, well not verbally I didn't.

"Ah-ah" I laughed and it wasn't my intention but the remaining nerves gave it the same tune, I cursed them under my breath. "I...erm...I saw a picture"

"You're wearing her fucking bracelet" He said quietly, holding my arm and rolling up my sleeve, noticing that for the first time apparently, _oh wow Turner, you really are the visually aware._ "The one I gave her, it's like worth more than your pension"

_Bold of you to assume that I'll make it to retirement._

"It's not what you think...wait I have no idea what you think, I met her for the first time the other day, we talked and that was about it, I didn't steal it" I said but his gaze still averted mine. "She wasn't pissed at me, I don't think she has it in her, Al, she just missed you"

He looked taken back for a moment, a small smile slipping through his lips. "You...you, erm...called me Al" He mumbled, awkwardly and I tried not to laugh, I promise your honour, I really tried. 

I let a smile thread through my lips "And what would happen if I did it again?" I asked, his gaze darkened and he looked up suddenly. I tried not to laugh, but failed again. Laughing at inappropriate moments in my life was a tragedy I had to stop engaging with. 

"Very adorable, we all love character development, but maybe this our opening" Nick said, wrapping his arm around Alex who was still flustered, "We could use the bracelet as like a conversation starter, Al could be like, _'Did you drop this?'_ and she'd be like _'No I gave it away weeks ago'_ but it all play out like a shit romantic comedy"

"Nick, as much as I'm aware you're plans are superior in every shape and form, through you're incomparable genius. But _I like_ this bracelet" I complained, receiving a series of unfortunate, unamused glances. _And I could get a load of money out of it._

"Fine" I muttered handing it over to Matt, slowly and dramatically, _Evil Morty's_ theme playing in my head. If this was a musical, I would definitely have a tragic piano based solo about this moment, the tragic element being that my singing capabilities were limited. 

"Don't be dramatic Rue, if this is successful, you'd feature in me best man speech at their wedding" Jamie said throwing the last of his sandwich at a goose, he'd been feeding this entire time I guess, but apparently it wanted more. "Oh shit, I'm all out kids" He added , crossing his legs.

"I'd feature in everyone's speeches anyway" I added "Alongside Nick, as he is God" Nick smirked.

"Hey, I said I'm done...fuck off" Jamie said, trying to wave the goose off but that seemed to attract more.

"Erm...Cookeh" Kierra began, looking over at him and then the birds again.

"I know..." He said as they began to advance forward, Jamie stepped back cautiously. "Greedy bastards" One of the geese, honked and charged towards Jamie, apparently desperate for a bread fix. Jamie screamed as the violent bird flapped it's wings at him.

Alex and Matt were completely oblivious to the disaster unfolding, more concerned with plotting how Alex was going to talk to Sofía, like they were in Year 3. "Then what do I say? How have you been finding Sheffield without me? No wait, that makes me sound like a toxic Twilight character"

The goose charged towards Jamie again, and Jamie's flight or fight reflex kicked in, he jumped straight into Matt's arms, causing him to throw the bracelet in the air in shock.I watched in slow motion as it spun in the air, landing on the floor all the beads falling free and bouncing across the concrete.

But before I could pick them, that fucking goose had pecked up the lot.

_Oh fuck_. _Oh FUCK. OH FUCKING SHITTING BISCUIT PACKETS._ It looked like I wouldn't have to sabotage this meeting after all, as a fucking bird was going to do it anyway. I liked that bracelet as well. 

"Ok, nobody panic..." Kierra began and we all looked at her in shock

"How are we supposed to do that?" Alex asked, very clearly already panicking. "That was like, our only plan to talk to her!"

"It wasn't going to work anyway" Jordan said, lowering his sunglasses, "If she wanted you back, she wouldn't have blocked your number"

"Jordan!" I hissed, elbowing him in the rips "Ignore him, he's trying to be a bastard, and it's not working. It's alright Al we'll get it back" He gave me a small smile, and I eyed the goose.

"Ok, what the fuck are we going to do?" Nick asked, being a whole level of calm that I'll never achieve. 

"We could kill it" Jordan said and we all looked at him shocked.

"Nope, never, we're not killing that bird Jordan Mckay" I said, sternly. Matt shrugged his bag off of his shoulders, taking his sandwich out and feeding it to the goose to stop it from running away.

"Does anyone have any other food?" He asked looking at Kierra, who usually carried more food than the freezer ile in Tesco.

"I have a cupcake" She mumbled.

"Sacrifice it"

She nodded, reluctantly taking the cupcake out of her bag and letting the goose eat it. But as soon as it finished, it began to back away. "What should we do now?" She asked.

"We could kill it" Jordan suggested. I looked up to Matt who nodded, advancing towards the goose, slowly, followed by Alex. The goose backed up slowly, before running in the opposite direction, with a very passionate honk.

"CATCH THAT GOOSE BEFORE IT GETS AWAY!" Jamie screamed, running after it, flinging his arms around dramatically, followed by everyone else.

"Hey, we are just normal people..."Kierra said waving at the man with the pushchair who was giving us a confused look. I'm pretty sure no words could justify to the public why we were doing laps of the park, following a goose.

"Oh shit...it's gone in the water! Oh fook!" Alex observed and we all groaned. I looked over to the end of the lake, where you could hire small rowing boats.

"Does anyone have any cash on them?" I asked. Nick took out a couple of coins and Jordan passed me a crinkled up note, reluctantly. "Ok, me, Al and Jordan will take the boat, you guys will try to encourage it back to you"

"If you get the chance, wrap you arms around the bird firmly, bring it closer to you and-" Matt began.

"Snap it's neck?" Jordan asked.

"Fuck you"

We walked over to the boke with a glorious beard, who seemed to be looking after all the boats. "You alright mate, how much is it for the boat?"

"Tenner, cash only" The man with the impressive beard said. 

"A tenner, as in ten fucking quid?" I began to panic, he nodded "We asked for a boat not a fucking yacht"

"No one has a tenner on them?" Alex asked, and when no one answered, he sighed. "We're fucked"

Eventually Jordan had to drop his act momentarily, to go over to his old stall and beg Dan to help him it, Dan did in the end, but he insisted he assisted us, as he didn't trust any of us with his money. Dan and Jordan bickered as they rowed the boat, not so gently down the stream, well lake. 

"Why do we have to do this, why can't you just talk to her like a human?" I asked "What's your plan after we get the goose anyway?"

"Because maybe I need a good story out of it" He said "To make conversation I guess. It also cost me a grand"

"Bollocks" I said and he frowned "You're just nervous, you don't need an excuse to talk to her, if you really want to talk to her, you could just...do it. Like I may not think it's a good idea and you should just move on, but if you really want to, just talk to her"

He sighed "What would I even say?" He asked. 

"It really isn't difficult you know, men spend ages trying to think of ways to talk to women, just look at Jordan" I said and gesturing to Jordan behind us who was putting his feet up and refusing to help, pretending to brood. "Most people, just like the truth"

He thought for a moment, and smiled "Ta" He said and I laughed "No really, you're a wonder Rue"

"There's that little bastard" Jordan said, pointing at the goose and Dan rowed quicker.When we got closer, Jordan reached out for it, actually managing to grab the bird and pull it onto the boat. Not falling into the water, which was a surprise to everyone.

"See that what happens when you have me on the case, maybe if Dan had actually put some effort in we would've caught it sooner-" Jordan began.

"Oh you've done it now!" Dan said standing up on the boat and tackling Jordan...straight into the water.

**_ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ᵐᵒᵐᵉⁿᵗˢ ᵒᶠ ˢᵃᵛⁱⁿᵍ ᴶᵒʳᵈᵃⁿ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵈʳᵒʷⁿⁱⁿᵍ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵏⁱᵈⁿᵃᵖᵖⁱⁿᵍ ᵃ ᵍᵒᵒˢᵉ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ..._ **

"So let me get this straight..." Miles began, staring at the goose that was sitting on some newspapers on his bed "You kidnapped a goose...and brought it here?" 

"We panicked" Nick said. 

Miles sat next to the goose petting it.  
"It's sort of cute" He said.

  
"Trust me...it wasn't cute when it tried to kill me" Jamie said, folding his arms. 

  
"Are you sure...it..." Miles began, staring at it.

"I promise, that feathery bastard ate that stupid bracelet" Jordan said, glaring at the bird.

"So what are going to do?" Miles asked.

"Wait for it to..." I began and his eyes widened.

"Then why the fuck would you put it on me bed?" He hissed and we shrugged. "Why do you even need it, Al talked to Sofía anyway didn't he?" 

"Because...it cost like a grand and Al will kill me, literally, poision me biscuits, if we can't save it" Jamie said "Why she gave it to Rue, I'll never know, maybe as an excuse to see Al again" 

"Why can't you lot just talk to each other?" I asked. "What's the worse that could happen?" 

I think that was the moment I started a petition for me to shut the fuck up, as my lips seemed to be coated with some sort of lipstick that was moulded from the definition of jinx…by Satan. Alex and Matt walked in, we all stared at them as Alex sat down slowly, his expression readable. 

"What?" He asked and we all pretended that we were staring and to be entertained by the closest inanimate obejct, my weapon of choice: a moth. "No...it didn't work, she wasn't interested" 

  
I narrowed my eyes, confused. Ok, I needed a crime board, because I officially didn't understand people. _'Yeah hopefully"_ she said to me. Did she lie to me? Why was I offended? I didn't even know how. Still.

Everyone made an excuse to leave, but me, as I was still focused on fitting the pieces of the puzzle together. "I'm sorry it didn't work out, it wasn't for nothing. You still got back at the media"

"It's fine. It doesn't matter, I guess the media wasn't the only problem, I think it's time for me to move on" He brushed it off quickly, which was, strange. He sighed. "What do you do? When you get fucked over because of love?"

I frowned, a little confused. "I watch a really shit, but not morally bad 90/80s film. Makes you feel things" I said, to his disappointment. 

"I were hoping you were gonna say, 'get pissed' or 'do drugs" He said. "But I guess, we could do that" 

So I guess that's how me amd Al ended up being the only ones staying with the bird until the end. It was a heroic journey. "Ok, this is bollocks" Alex said, as we hid beneath the blanket fort we made with his laptop, the goose next to me. 

I rolled my eyes "It supposed to be shit" I said "Don't even get me started on what you made me sit through, this is revenge" 

"Fair" He said, as I put _Wild Child_ oh my fourteen-year-old self would be proud. "But I meant what you said about being heartbroken, I don't believe it" 

"Oh here we go..." I said "I thought you didn't think I was the plague anymore" 

He laughed "I meant...I don't believe someone would break your heart. I would give anything for people to care about me the way you care for the people you love. Why would anyone throw that away?" 

I sighed, averting my gaze. "People care for you, Al. " I said, closing my eyes. "Sometimes I can't hold onto my heart, and I fall too deep. It's why I have crippling trust issues, but the worst heartbreak I ever felt, wasn't from love" I whispered. 

"You look like the kind of person who'd break hearts" He said and I gave him a sad smile. _You don't even know the half of it._ "How do you do it? Fall deep without breaking yourself?" 

"I wouldn't know" I whispered "Everytime I've fallen deep, I've lost everything" 

He sat up "Why?" He asked. 

"David" I mumbled, barely audible. "I'll never escape him, he's got too much on me" 

"Like what your real name?" He asked and I groaned, elbowing him. "You know one day I'm going to find out what it is" 

"Yeah sure, you're detective skills are uncomparable" I said and he shook his head. 

"Nah, one day, you're going to tell me" He said confidently and I laughed. 

"Yeah, one day, sure" I laughed. "More of a dance of showing you me school pictures from Year 6, when I had me Oasis phase. Fucking disgustang" 

"Said mayyyyybbeee" He sang and I laughed. 

"You're gonna be the one who saves me" I sang louder, almost choking on my popcorn. He laughed at me instead of helping me, typical. I hope my body notes that, if it decides to die, let it not be around Alex Turner. 

"It can't be worse than _my_ Year 6 photos...I used to have blond 'air" He said and I felt my jaw drop. "Worst look ever"

"Bollocks" I said and he laughed, taking his phone out of his pocket, and showing me a picture feom his leaver's play. "Ok that isn't even that bad" 

"All my front teeth are gone and I look constipated" He said and I laughed.

"That's an amature, shitty picture"I said, going through my mam's Facebook feed, as her hobbies included finding the new and interesting ways to embarass me.

"Look at the fashion choice, I went out in public like that. I dressed like Will Smith in Fresh Prince, I didn't even have a perm purposefully, me hair was just that big. Most embarassing photo ever"

He fell on his back unable to stop laughing. "I bet I can get a more embarassing one" He said, sitting back up, somehow overcoming his lack of tech skills and managing to snap a picture. He laughed he showed me the picture of me looking like a horror film extra.

He went to take another one and this time I stuck his tongue out, he laughed. I then tackled him when he tried to take another one, taking the phone off of him, snapping a horrid picture as him as he leaned over me.

It then became a sort of competition, I pushed him off of me, onto his back, I tried to pin his hands down to stop him from pushing me but instead he intangled them. I squealed as he his feet pushed my legs, my body hovering over his. But I managed to get a terrible picture, so I won I guess. And I'll take any achievement. 

At this point in life I sort of wished I had pushy parents who made me do sports or become a music prodigy because my lack of personality and achievement was just ridiculous at this point. You can imagine what my UCAS looked like "Has this worked, do you feel cured from your heartbreak?" I asked. 

"No" He said, laughing. Laughing through the pain, I see, a practice we're all familair with. 

"Well then, there is only one other tactic" I said, falling back on him. "Embrace the hug" 

  
"Oh for fucks sake" He laughed, trying to sit up.

"It'll make you feel better" I said and he laughed again, really at this point I felt like I was his own jester.

"You just want to use me as a pillow because you're gonna sleep through this shit film" He said and I grinned, he wrapping his arms around me, pulling me closer, I leaned into his chest. 

"This is how I always watch films, especially with Kierra" I said and I could feel him chuckle beneath me.

The light of film flickered through us, casting patterns around the ceiling, the room. He shifted and pulled me closer, everything strained under the magnetic pulse to curl up closer to him, under every moment he felt like volcanic ash.

The billowing clouds of this volcanic ash enveloped me, sending sparks of burning heat through my body. I could feel my heart trying to fight it's way out of my chest and my breath hitched slightly as he slipped his molten arms around my waist

_Breathe, remember to breath Rue._

A current of electrical fire swept through my body as he brought me closer to him, sending a current of electricity across my skin, our legs tangled together.

_Dear David...why did you pick someone so, electric._

Before he could answer, I was saved by the bird, as it had finally taken a shit. "Yes, success!" I said untangling myself from Al, picking the bird up and spinning it around, trying to kiss it, but it honked at me and ran away.

"I have been rejected by more attractice birds in the past mate." I added. "Right, we should probably clean this" I picked up the newspaper and made my way down to the kitchens. It was a new personal record for holding my breath.

"Aye, I've never been more happy to see bird shit in me life" Matt said, laughing at me, still cleaning up from whatever he was cooking earlier.

"Yeah, turns out it either loves or hates watching films with me and Al" I said and Matt grinned. "Either way it helped distract him"

"Yeah he's been lost in his thoughts all day, more than usual" Matt said "I mean it was such a surprise"

"Yeah I know, Sofía seemed like she wanted to be with him again" I said and Matt frowned.

"What are you talking about? Wait, did he not tell anyone?" He asked and I shook my head, he sighed, hesistant. "He didn't ask her if she wanted to try again or anything because he fixed the media problem. He just said that he's sorry for how it ended, and that he's wants them to be friends"

"He lied" I said, "Why?"

Matt shrugged. "Guess he really has moved on...about time, maybe I should make him a cake"

_Dear David, I guess the Sofía issue solved itself. I know this is helpful, but I feel shit. Alex just played the next piece to his downfall._

_Yours confused, Rue x_


	22. ➪We Spent 2 Hours On The Roof CHALLENGE!(bad idea)*fail*{Not Clickbait I jumped}

〝Breathe out  
So I can breathe you in...〞

_*✭_ ˚

  
𝕴t was yet another day that I found myself comparing myself to the overweight sheep in Shaun the Sheep.

Not because I was always eating and because it took seven people to move me, like Matt suggested because he decided to bully me. Should I call Childline?

It was a usual reference to my hair, it was big and seemed to get the entire Aldi ile stuck in it.

It was a revaltion that occured as I caught my reflection in the morning and saw my hair, after I had taken out my braids out, as burning the ends didn't work. But to be honest, that was on me for breaking my first bathroom rule (oh yes they're many, feel free to pre-order Rue's book 'Crisis On The Toilet' for more details) of looking in the mirror with the bathroom light on.

It was a rule to try and stop myself from popping any spots I may find, as yes, growing out of them was the biggest lie I was ever told, sorry. I tried brushing my hair but, to no one's surprise ithe brush broke. "I'm just gonna end up shaving it all off" I said, as I broke yet another hair bobble.

"You say that everytime" Jordan said, pulling a hoodie on. "But you always disappoint and never go through with it. You need a hobby"

"Hey...no I don't, I have plenty of hobbies" I said, tying my hair back into a multi coloured headwrap.

I could see Jordan raise his eyebrow through the mirror "Name one...journalism doesn't count" He said "And neither does being emotionally invested into films or books"

I opened my mouth to protest, but then closed it again. "Oh my Strokes...I don't have a hobby do I?" I asked and Jordan shook his head with a smirk. "Shit, am I boring?"

"I could tell you the answer...but you having an existential crisis would be more entertaining" Jordan said and I looked back at him. "Plus, Kierra said, we can have the afternoon off"

_Dear David, you know all about being boring...have you turned me into one of you? Plus, I think I've been making some progress, Al willingly sat next to me at lunch yesterday and we talked about the Strokes. I think we're friends, but like, I don't know how friendships start, I just find myself practically married to people._

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵒᵃˢⁱˢ ᵗᵘⁿᵉˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"And then...Julian Casablancas was the leading the resistance against these dictator farm animals" I explained to Jamie as we sat down on one of the leather settees, eating the sausage rolls Nick bought us from Gregg's, because he's a legend. "Which was all calm, but we didn't end up shagging...so a waste really" 

Jamie nodded "Disappointing" Jamie said, taking a sip of his coffee. "Well the whole revolution thing is probably to do with your war against David, maybe it's all a sign...and we should call Julian to help us take him down" 

"Sounds like a plan" I said and he grinned as he finished his sausage roll. "By any chance, would that count as a recreational activity?" 

Jamie tilted his head, confused. "She's trying to find a hobby, she's having a mid-life crisis" Jordan explained, proof reading his article that he had written about the monkeys. _Shit, I still hadn't finished that._

"What is chasing geese getting a bit boring for you?" Alex asked, as he walked in, sitting next to me, I halfed my sausage roll and passed half to him, before he even asked, to save time. 

"Cookeh's the expert on hobbies" Matt explained, seeing this opportunity to take a picture of a half empty wisky bottle on the table. "He gets bored easily and gives in after two weeks of starting summat new" 

"I do not, I just...lose interest" Jamie protested. "At the moment, I'm trying relaxing colouring books, you can join me...ooo I can be like your mentor, guiding you through your journey" 

I laughed as he opened his book, and passed me a few pens, I rested against his shoulder. "Rue doesn't need hobby she just random shit all the time to get in trouble...and I still love her" Kierra laughed, proof-proof reading Jordan's article. _I really need to finish mine._

"And I love you for putting up with that" I laughed, rolling up Al's sleeve and using the pen's Al gave me to draw on his arm. 

"Do we have to go to the interview today? Rue and Jordan get to skive. And Nick has run off with his bird" Alex complained, before looking down at the drawings on his arm. "Is that a turtle?" He asked and a nodded. "Now is it playing netball with Spongebob or hitting him?" 

I shook my head "No, the turtle is training spongebob to beat the cat at dodgeball" I said, trying not to laugh, but failed when he laughed at me. 

"That is not a cat..." He said and I pretended to look offended. "I can draw a better one" He insisted and I rolled by eyes but let him roll my sleeve up to attempt to prove me wrong. 

"You know you have to" Kierra said. Matt turned his camera to us and didn't warn us before taking a quick picture. The second one we were ready, and Jamie dived over us. 

"I think I could quit the band and we could open up our own tattoo parlour" He said, laughing at the mediocre cat on my arm. 

"It looks alright...apart from the fact it looks like it got punched in the face" I said and he laughed again. "Did it get in a fight with the turtle?" 

"Oh shit, conflict in the workplace" He said and I laughed. 

_Dear David, Je suis un artiste. I really don't remember much from GCSE French._

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵖᵒᵖᵖᵉᵈ ᵇᵃˡˡᵒᵒⁿˢ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ⁿᵉᵃʳˡʸ ᵐᵃᵈᵉ ᵐᵉ ᵈⁱᵉ ᵒᶠ ˢʰᵒᶜᵏ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

Roses are red, violets are blue...I actually enjoyed that evening off with family, friends and cake, turns out I'm shit at rhyming, the reason why I never stuck with poetry, but thinking that it wouldn't fuck up was on me, I could see the universe laughing at my wishful thinking: _LMAO NOOB!!!_

Maybe that sort of rhymed, I don't know. 

"So who is the Anya that Jordan keeps asking for advice about?" Dan asked, passing me a glass of Irish whisky, even though I didn't order that, he was clearly distracted. 

  
"Oh she's a very sweet lass that Jordan fallen helplessly in love with" I explained, trying the drink anyway, I'm an alcoholic, it's what we do. "He just can't decide how he wants to ask her out, she isn't gonna be around forever, he needs to make up his mind...why?"

"No reason" Dan said and I raised by eyebrow, not convinced. "Head's up, it's David, I swear I banned him...oh wait, no I think I forgot to do that, oops"

I groaned, turning around. David walked a little more cautiously through the pub, his arm was still in a sling. "Evening..." He began and I sighed.

"Sorry lad, no under 16s, have you got a parent with ya?" Dan teased and David scowled. "Or can daddy not fight your battles for you today?"

"Dan, marry me" I said and he laughed. David rolled his eyes, leaning against the surface. "We'll talk outside"

"So, how's it going?" David asked and I kepy my hands in my pockets so I wouldn't be tempted to punch him.

"Fine, don't worry" I muttered. "I think we're friends now, he's no longer obsessed with his ex...I think"

"Cute" David said "But, you've got like four weeks left, do you really think you can make him fall deep in that time before he moves to next half of the tour?"

"You of all people should know not to underestimate my abilities" I said and he smirked. "Not after last time"

"I know..." He muttered. "Tell Michael I said hi" He added before crawling back to whatever pit of hell was made for him.

Speaking of which my phone pinged ans my heart fluttered, like I was a protagonist inna rom-com.

_new message from: michael_

_I need to talk to you, if you can, find me at the meeting place x._

I wasn't the sensible kind to put my hood up, or keep my head down when I walked down dark, empty animals at the back of known drug corners. It was where I felt the safest, because it was the environment where I grew up.

"Rue..." Michael said, instantly wrapping his arms around me and I held him close.

"I was worried you wouldn't end up coming, you never miss this night" I said, laughing softly and he cupped my cheeks.

"Don't worry, I'd never forget" He said "But what I promised you, can finally happen, I mamaged to secure everything, your brother is safe, all of your family is, and now we can finally go"

"What?" I asked, by voice accidently cracking. _Brilliant, well done Rue, you've finally hit puberty, you will finally become a dashing young man._

"We can run away now, David can't hurt you if he can't find us" He said with a smile and my heart sank. "Just like we said we would"

He held my hand but I stopped him from running off. "So what? We just leave it all, right now?"

"Course" He said, confused. "Don't worry, we'll get Jordan..."

I shook my head "So we just give up?" I asked.

"That was always the plan, run from the past and everything will become a moment" Michael said.

 _You can't live like that_ Al's voice _You've trapped yourself._

"We can't Michael" I said "I can't..."

He gave me a confused glance, "We've been planning this since we were like twenty, it's now or never, we promised each other"

"We were young" I said You can't pretend the past doesn't exist, you need it. "I don't want to run from the past, I want to stop David, I don't want to run from him, I can't go with you Michael"

In that moment, he broke completely. He cupped my cheeks once more. "I love you..." He whispered. "I can't just leave you"

"You have to....Michael it's been years" I explained. "You run, you come back, and I understand why. There was a time when that made me even more infatuated with you, but I got used to it, the world with you. I don't think anyone can love, the way I once did for you, but if I were to run from the past, I'd be running away from you"

"So that's it...after everything?" He asked. "This is where we end?" in that moment, his perfect eyes, the ghosts that haunted my sketchbook fell through a vortex of emotions.

I knew I had broke him, with each colour that ebbed and flowed through his gaze like shooting stars, each new colour, new constellation falling into place. "I'm sorry..." I said, "Up until now, you know I'd run away from anything with you, but the world isn't like that for me anymore, I have more things to look out for...and maybe summat helped me realized that if I run from David, he still wins"

"You know I can't stay Rue" He said and I nodded. "You were the only thing that stayed in me life, but you're right...I can't bring your life down with mine...and with David, make that cunt regret betraying you" I smiled sadly, brushing away the tears beneath his eyes. He tilted his head and kissed me one last time, it didn't feel of anything, other than an ache at the back of my heart.

"Have a good one Michael..." I said, giving him a small wave. "I'm sorry that everything we risked came down to this, that we wasted everything"

"I don't have any regrets" He informed me. "Neither should you...like I said before, whatever you do, don't let the heartbreak flow both ways"

And then, just like that, he was gone. I fell back onto the wall, closing my eyes. _Don't cry._ I could hear my mother scold me. _Don't let anyone see you cry._ I bit my tongue, as I slipped onto the floor. _If you cry, they'll lose all respect for you, women, black women can't cry, or else you're unprofessional and too emotional to achieve. They don't need another excuse to ruin you._

_Dear David, I cried for you._

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵉᵐᵒᵗⁱᵒⁿᵃˡ ᵇʳᵉᵃᵏᵈᵒʷⁿˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

Jamie's relaxing colouring seemed to stress me out, so instead, I aqquired a therapy pet moth that hadn't left my hotel room since I checked in. New side character to my life: _Andrew la moth._

I was slipping off my bed, but I didn't stop myself, just staring up to the ceiling as I let myself be consumed by the high. There was a small knock on my door, but I ignored it, until the silence was tainted with the sound of a note being slipped under the door. 

_Meet me on the roof._

It said on one side, I turned the ripped lined paper over. 

_Only if you want to of course, if you're too busy just text me to let me know. I won't take it personally. I'm not a murderer either, that must've been creepy, it's me Al :)_

I sort of had a few rules when it came to drugs, one of them being that under no circumstance should I try to climb anything, especially not the side of a building. But I guess I broke those rules for him. 

I opened the window and climbed out onto the balcony, using the ladder to access the roof, which is a lot more difficult high than you would think. I kept getting random urges to just fall off in an attempt to fly, but I didn't. 

"I don't want to ruin the aesthetic or anything..." I said, gesturing to his whole sitting on the roof with cigarettes vibe, "But couldn't you do this somewhere, warmer?" I asked, his gaze only met mine, I tried to sigh away the electric sensation that fluttered through my chest as I sat next to him. 

"I went to go find you at the pub..." Al explained, exhaling, my eyes followed the silver grey smoke that curled into eclipse clouds of ash into the air around me, shifting like ghosts in the breeze. "I saw you, but you had already left, I followed you, I know I shouldn't have but I was gonna talk to you, but then...I saw you with Michael..." He sighed, letting the end of his cigarette singe his jeans, I quickly moved his wrist so he wouldn't accidently burn himself. "I saw you...kiss him"

I sighed heavily, "I ended it with Michael...whatever it was" I said, still a little confused.

"I gathered...since you helped me out, this is what I do when I go through a shit breakup" He said, passing me a beer and a cigarette, I laughed, taking his lighter. "But, I'm still confused, what was actually going on between you two anyway?"

I hesitated "A few years back I did some undercover journalism for David, in the gangs back home, Michael was kind of some form of leader, I don't know, and like every toxic romance story on a fanfiction site, it wasn't long before we becoming completely infatuated with each other. I'm attracted to trouble, as you may have noticed" I said and he nodded, with a small smile, but he still encouraged me to continue.

"He had been planning on leaving for a while, never liked it, only joined to survive. He wanted to end it all, he wanted to stop all this shit we lived through, so he made a rival group, like a weird resistance from the YA fiction, smaller, but he was in the process of taking them down. They're all after him now, to stop him, and we couldn't associate ourselves with each other, or I would be an obvious target. So we made a promise, we'd make as much damage as possible, before we'd find a way to run away and disappear together" I said. 

"So you were in love with him" He confirmed and I nodded. "And you were being all ambiguous about it because you knew everyone was after him, as well as David?" I nodded again and he drank half of his beer "You don't need a hobby, you're life's just completely mental"

I laughed "Yeah well, it does make interesting stories for when I have tea with me family and me mam asks why I'm 25 and still not married, I'm past me peak clearly" I said and he laughed again, before nearly choking on his beer as he remembered something. I took another drag of my cigarette as he turned around to get something. 

"Happy birthday Rue" He said, holding out a small cupcake with a lit candle on it. I gave him a suspicious look. "Kierra told me that's why you had the afternoon off, to see your friends and family, because you turned 25 today"

I smiled, taking the cupcake "Thanks" I said, I blew out the candle.

"Did you make a wish?" He teased and I shook my head as I bit into the cupcake that was most likely bought from Lidl. "Did you get any presents?"

"Yeah, the best part of birthdays" I said, "Aside from having an excuse to eat cake, mainly got food, as no one knows what to buy adults, myself included, Jordan did get me a pair of roller-skates though, so maybe that'll be my new hobby"

"Haha, maybe, oh speaking of presents..."He said opening the bag next to him. "It's a joint present apparently, I bought it but the lads didn't know, so they took credit for it as well"

"Yes then" I said as he past me the terribly wrapped present, which was almost impossible to open, as it was bathed in sellotape. "Ah fuck, this is impossible" I laughed, and he moved closer to help me tear it open.

"Yeah, there's nothing in it, and we didn't want you to find out" He laughed, before we finally managed to open it, I think his wrapped presents should be part of World's Strongest Man. I brushed off the remains of wrapping paper to reveal a thick coat, "As you're officially impossible to buy for, you now have no excuse for being cold, or wearing so many layers"

I stared at the fabric in my hands and looked back up at him, before grinning and jumping at him, wrapping my arms around him. He froze for a moment, before letting his arms mimic mine "Thank you, I'm serious, ta" I said, releasing him and sitting back, he still looked a little flustered and cleared his throat as I put it on "A little room to grow" I laughed, demonstrating the sleeves that were too long. "I guess I should eat more cake, as I ain't gonna be getting taller"

"So erm...break up, on your birthday..." He began, rubbing the back of his neck and my smile fell, "Why?"

I let the smoke destroy my lungs, breathing in the spirit of a campfire. "I'm not great with relationships in general, I like the intimacy, physical intimacy just in general, with anyone. I like the idea of loving someone, I fall deep with infatuation. But I can't deal with the emotional side, because I can't think of the future, with David, I don't even know what he'll end up making me do" I explained "With Michael it didn't matter, we were the same, same past, same moment and an uncertain future. But I guess, I don't want that anymore, I don't want to run from shit anymore"

  
He nodded "I think you never liked the idea of anything lasting forever" He whispered "Anything being more than a moment isn't you. You'd run away if things got difficult, Michael was never there longer than a moment, so those moments were everything"

I stared at him, as I let every thought I ever had fall away and back into place with him. "Everyone grows bored of each other...that's why they can't last more than a moment. I'd just want to run" I said and he gave me a small smirk.

"Well maybe...you could find someone else to run away with, instead of running from them" He said. "And then, you wouldn't have to worry"

"We'd be in denial about the world on our own...running from our emotions" I cheered, standing up, letting the haze of the drugs numb my fear. 

"No consequences, no responsibilities, life is hell and we're going to burn it together" He added, standing up next to me and I laughed.

"We're going to burn all of it together!" I shouted to the streets below us, and he laughed as I stumbled back on him suddenly, sending us both the floor, I rolled to my back, laying next to him. There was a moment of silence when the last sparks of laughter gave way into numbness.

My eyes couldn't leave his, every word, every breath, every moment that was Alex fucking Turner spiralled through me, consumed me.It was almost as if I hadn't lost everything, that I wasn't high out of my mind. "Maybe I have a birthday wish for you"

"I'm not sure, of that is legal with the birthday gods but go for it" I said, but he didn't laugh, his gaze becoming even more within mine.

"I wish everything could feel this real forever" He whispered, and not even the drugs could stop every part of me breaking in that moment. _If looks could kill, if words could kill._ "But I don't want to get me heart broken, not again, I don't think I could survive"

Well, that may be a problem.

_Dear David, how many more times, how many more times will we break hearts? His is already broken, I won't be able to break his heart without breaking him._


	23. 101 Reasons Why My Matchmaker Buisness Plan Got Me Fired In The Apprentice

〝To die by your side  
Is such a heavenly way to die...〞

_*✭_ ˚

O̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶u̶p̶o̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶e̶r̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶f̶f̶i̶e̶l̶d̶.̶.̶.̶

I̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶r̶a̶i̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶F̶r̶i̶d̶a̶y̶.̶.̶.̶

I̶t̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶'̶v̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶d̶e̶c̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶d̶a̶y̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶r̶a̶i̶n̶i̶n̶g̶.̶.̶.̶

I̶ ̶h̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶h̶i̶t̶t̶y̶ ̶j̶o̶u̶r̶n̶a̶l̶i̶s̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶k̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶m̶e̶

I attacked the paper agressively, stabbing it with my pen. I would've come up with a witty opening line if it wasn't for Alex Turner. 

Pinky promise, I would've. But because of him, this was killing me and I really didn't want to die of writer's block. Not now, not ever. Or maybe I could if it gets too bad, just pet david's diary take me. 

Why did this happen? Well kids, let me tell you a tale, are you sitting uncomfortably? Let's begin...it all started because we're in the mits of the most toxic ship in fanfiction history: Al x Rain. We were in yet another angst twist, as Al was in a shit mood because he _hated_ the rain, and decided to bring us all down with him as apparently, I'm a supporting character in this toxic tale, who's life evolves around this bland relationship. I'll tell you, if it was a One Direction version my fifteen year-old self would've loved it. 

So yeah, that's why I got nothing clever or amusing written down, as him being all melodramatic was as off-putting as when my mam put her current mood on Facebook as ' _sensual_ ' and took as long to end as waiting to skip a Youtube Ad. _Dear David, my dog ate my progress report, sorry._

I groaned as I tore away yet another ink sunk paper from David's diary. Trees were dying for this shit. I stared up at the ceiling, Andrew the moth was flying into the lamp again, for a therapy pet he seemed to only for me to relate to his stupidity. _Same Andrew, same._

"And then Breana was the leader of this resistence group against the evil chickens" Jamie explained as we went through our daily dream sypnosis, whilst he failed another trick on his skateboard...Just a small remimder, Jamie was 27. It was another hobby he was trying to teach me as I was still as unproductive, useless and frustrating as a self check-out. _No, I'll put an unexpected item in your baggage area!_

"Maybe you're mind is predicting the future, although I still don't agree with my death. Too early on, and a bit of a plot filler..." I said as I stood on the skateboard, the wheels began to roll and slipped back quickly throwing myself on Jamie when I fell off. "Why do I always die in your dreams?" 

He laughed at me, "Maybe it's summat to do with your chaotic death wish" Jamie smirked, standing back on the skateboard and offering out his hand. I took it and stood in front of him, not letting go when he began to press his foot on the floor to make it go. I screamed through the entire thing even though it lastest for about sixteen seconds and slugs were over taking us. 

We both crashed to the ground when the door slammed open, making a small earthquake as Al walked in, sitting on the settee,melodramatically, again. "That's it, I'm offically done with women" He stated, falling back and lying starfish on the settee, squishing Kierra. "I'll become a priest or summat"

"Thought you said you weren't a nonce" I said and he rolled his eyes. "Date that bad?" 

He groaned loudly. "It were shit, she were an actual nightmare, turns out she were friends with journalists. I've never heard anyone be that rude before, proper full on picking on the waiters even though they didn't do o'wt wrong" He said "She were only interested in getting back at her ex, she had some weird expectations of men and wouldn't stop having a go on other women, just like promoting the patriarchy and shit" 

"Yeah Juilie is a bit of an odd one" Jordan said, "They call her the 'news' because she doesn't stop spreading lies about her exs and peers" 

"She won't stop calling me," Al complained, resting his head on Kierra's lap, as she ran her fingers through his hair. "She just wants to sell infomation to NME" 

"She can't do that..." I said, contuing to draw erotic savoury foods in David's diary "Not before I do" 

"The News is looking for you Al" Nick said walking in with a huge grin, incredibly amused by this whole situation, Al groaned. "Speaking of women..." Nick cleared his throat and looked over to Al who sighed heavily, he stood up and walked to me. 

"Oh I can't help you, I'm shit with women" I said, not even looking up from my current during of a sexy tin of alphabet soup. "I tried doing a somewhat sexy voice once...I ended up sounding like a kids telly presenter, like ready Fifty Shades on Cbeebies bedtime stories" 

"Not what I meant, are you doing o'wt tommorow tonight?" He asked carefully and I looked up from the notebook. 

"I was supposed to be attending the 'Beginners Knitting Club For Single Nan's' with Cookeh, because...I still need a hobby and I just went through a break up" I said and Jamie cheered at his mention. "Why?"

"Because Matt got jumped by the media yesterday when he was at the park with his daughter, didn't respect her privacy at all..." Al explained, sighing heavily. "So he's come up with a plan, that'll top anything we could even imagine apparently, we're gonna crash a big halloween party with journalists and tories, wouldn't be a disaster if you weren't there" 

I smirked as I sipped my tea. "Sure, wasn't halloween like last week or summat? Is it a costume party?" 

"Yes that's why Cookeh's gonna be making the costumes, he took a textile's course once" Matt said, "We're gonna go to the fancy dress shop, we can't have you dressing as Pandora's box again" 

"I was five, and it was for world book day...I regret telling you that" I said, focusing back on my doodles. "Besides I can't come, I have an article to write" After enough fake drama and tragic scene in response to my 'betrayal' to make another five seasons of Eastenders, the finally started to set off. 

"I'll think I'm just going to hide from the News in the library or summat, with Kierra she's the best at hide and seek" Al said to me. "If she comes looking for me...just tell her summat, please"

"Leave it with me, don't worry" I said with a grin "But you should probably now I'm shit at lying" He raised his eyebrow. "I'm good at hiding my own issues but if someone directly askes me shit about others I panic" 

"Just tell her I'm busy" Al suggested, and I hesisated, but agreed anyway. "You're the best" He said, pecking my cheek quickly, I gave him a confused look and his eyes widened when he realized what he did, his cheeks burning, probably enough to cook pancakes on. "I...mean...erm..." He mumblef awkardly, rubbing the back of his neck. "That...I...erm" 

"Oh come on you silly tosser" Matt said wrapping his arm around Al, dragging him away. "Maybe we'll find you a wedding suit while we're there" 

_Dear David, I think I just got Grandma pecked...Nan's are always breaking people's hearts, maybe this could still work?_

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵖᵃᵖᵉʳ ᶜᵘᵗˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵐᵉᵐᵉˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

Ok, I'll just admit it, I fucked up...again.

**NOTICE:** _Persons attempting to find an explanation behind the psychological mindset of this narrative will be prosectuted, persona's trying to find an understandable plot or any sense of realism will be banished._

"Morning..." Juilie, the 'News' said walking into the room, "Have you seen Alex?"

I took a deep breath, "I'm afraid Alex can't see you right now, he's very busy...goodbye"

"Sure he is" Juilie said, with a bored glance."What is he doing exactly?" 

"Errrr...he's doing fine" I said, a little too quickly.

"Not how is he doing, what is he doing?" She asked again. 

"Errrrrrrr....." I tried, but no words or thoughts could connect. I really hated how a conversation with a pretty lass can ruin my speech abilities, it's like someone entered a cheat on The Sims and switched my traits around.

"I'll just check the library" She said. 

"No!" I said quickly "You can't do that"

"It won't take long" She said "It'll be fine"

"No it won't" I protested.

  
"I'll just be two seconds" She pressed turning around to set off.

"You can't" I tried again.

"Why not?" She asked, as she walked further away.

  
I panicked. "BECAUSE HE'S DEAD!"

  
She froze "What?" She asked.

"Yeah...he erm...died...last night" I said, looking around me, hoping to find Andrew so he could reduce my panic state.

"He died?" She asked, raising her eyebrow and I nodded quickly.

"Yup...completely" I said, trying to sound convincing, even though my voice sounded like a pitch bender from the keyboards from music in Secondary. "I wouldn't make up something like that, would I?"

"How?" She asked "Was it the food from the restaurant?"

"I don't know...yes it was...why not?" I said she gasped.

"I know it's terrible, but thank God, we weren't sharing" She said "This is awful, we will have to have a memorial this afternoon...obviously the fans will be destraught and I was the last to see him well...the media will want to talk to me"

  
"Yeah...well we all have to go at some point" I said standing up, usherly gesturing for to stand up and go, but she didn't notice. 

  
**Google: Is it possible to be stupid enough for the universe to start laughing at you?**   
_Did you mean: Rue Marsh._

_Dear David, I think I'm somehow making all of this worse._

  
**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵗʸᵖᵒˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

Alex Turner had some _dedicated_ fans, to say the least, within the next hour they had stopped debating about me and my motives, _not even close by the way, @arctichoeforever505,_ and had already started the edits and the mournings. 

I scrolled through these and various tweets as I made my way back to the meeting room from the corridor, the NME arcticles were already starting to come up. _I tell you, if I died via food poisioning, everyone would be laughing at me. I can already picture the puns._

I looked away from my screen after I almost walked into some bloke, and almost dropped it when I did so. The walls were coated with pictures of Al, with polar hair choices, like this was some sort of teenager's room. There were flowers, poems and pamplets, so many pamphlets... _ **'Alexander David Turner, 1986-2013, a rock n'roll legend'.**_ _Debatable._

I quickly tore the first one I saw down, recieving a dirty look from the cleaner, I couldn't exactly explain that he wasn't dead, I just lied. "So you're an interior designer now?" Al asked, appearing out of nowhere and I quickly hid the pamphlets behind me. 

"Yes...yes I am" I said, he hadn't noticed his shrine, which was a little odd, but he was wearing sunglasses and interested in his Costa milkshake. _Rich twat._ "What did you get" I gestured to his cup. 

He smirked, holding the cup towards me and I tried it, I winced "No?" He asked and I shook my head "It's supposed to be Bailey's, but it's not great...should've just got a maccies milkshake" 

"My milkshake-" I began

"Don't" He said and I laughed, "Now it's already in me head, _my milshake brings all the biys to the yard_..." 

" _And I'm like it's better than yours_ " I laughed along with him as we walked into the practice room. All the tables had been pushed to side, it looked like a tip. 

"Oh we redecorating?" Al asked "Good thing, Rue's now an interior designer" I elbowed him. 

"No..." Nick said, placing his hands on his hips. "I may have accidently revealed to Jordan that we can't dance, and now apparently it's the worse tradegy since Jameh's singing" 

"It is!" Jordan insisted "I'm not going to embarass myself with you lot, it's bad enough being mates with Rue" I didn't even complain, I was used to this by now. 

"Yeah no one can teach me how to dance..." Nick said "Scientists have been trying to figure out how for years" 

"I'll take that...I had to watch Strictly when I were a lass" I said and he laughed. "You can have a montage..." I smiled, remembering the conversation I had with Al the other week. 

Nick fit his hands in mine, and he tried to move his feet in time to a Smiths song, whilst laughing at himself. Me and several more of Nick's victims gave up trying to help him, and the song changed to _Come On Eileen_ and there is no such thing as simply, _listening_ to that song. 

We all congregated around each other, falling around between the small gaps. Arms clunching and slipping from each other as we stumbled clumsly through laughter.

Sometimes Nick would spin me and round, or Al or Kierra.No alcohol was really needed for us to sing badly, our voices melting into the

the sprit, moving around as easily as the smoke. To be fair, things felt normal, comfortable.

It was like everything fast forward x3 seconds because someone sat on the remote, when I danced with Al and I'd forget where I was. I don't remember how we went from him teaching everyone his stage dancing, the hips and the guitar kicks to Shakira, to Just Dance 3, to me teaching him how to drop effectively. To sitting leaning against the wall as we sat on the floor, legs tangled together as we exchanged songs. 

"This is definitly a song that would be in a teen film based on a John Green book" Al said, holding onto his earbud, as he couldn't figure out how to fit it in his ear. I nodded, laughing. 

"Definitly...but that's what makes music good, what you can imagine yourself doing in an alternate universe to that song" I said and he grinned. "I never really read those books until I was too cyncial" 

"I did...and really ruined me expectations for life" He said and I raised my eyebrow "Oh shut up, I know I'm a rockstar but still...I meant when I were teenager like, it annoys me, ok, so you know how in the books one character always knocks on the others window for a surprise sleepover? Annoyed me so much, like it's impossible to do, and I were jealous" 

"Yeah, you'd have to like plan it in advance, because hearing someone outside your window...just gonna send you into cardiac arrest right?" I said and he nodded. "Like you'd have to know it was them, you'd have to have like a secret knock or summat" 

He thought for a moment "It would have to be unique, how about to the tune of Take Me Out?" He asked and I agreed, way too enthusatically, getting excited over an iconic song. "Also neighbours would probably call the police and you'd have to be able to climb in the first place, I can't even do that when I get locked out me own house" 

"Yeah, so you'd have to bring a ladder or take a climbing course, we'd have to have a secret knock and not get spotted by the neighbours" I listed. "One day...it will be possible" 

"Yeah well to be honest as it's you breaking into my room and not the other way round it should be fine" He said and my heart sank into my chest. Maybe I need subtitles in my life to understand what the fuck was going on. _It was all hyperthetical, right?_

"Sure, we'd have the best surprise sleepover" I said, trying to laugh off his suggestion. 

"As long as that's a promise" He teased and I looked away quickly, laughing awkwardly. Matt gave him a knowing look and Al sighed, "Do you want to get a drink you actually like?" 

"Yeah sure" I said, and he helped me up to my feet. 

The corridors and streets were pretty empty as everyone was at Al's memorial, at the town hall. I had forgotten all about it when we walked passed "Alexander was a loyal friend, son and a national treasure" I heard from outside and I quickly dragged him away before I could question it.

"So Nick's gonna take his girlfriend with him to the party...Matt and Jamie are taking their wives" Alex began as we left the coffee shop. "Kierra will bring her boyfriend...and Jordan...he can convince Anya or summat to come with him"

"Or Dan" I suggested "He should come with us" 

"Yeah..." Al said, clearly distracted. "I was just worrying, now that Michael's left the country...is there anyone you have to go with you?"

I stopped walking, turning to face him, a small blush crawled across his cheeks. "Oh shit...do we need dates?"I asked and he hesistated for a moment before nodding. "Fuck I don't have one..." I thought for a moment. 

"Hey you, bloke with the bike, are you doing o'wt tommorow?" I asked the gent behind us and he froze, looking at his friends who pushed him forward.

"No" He said.

"Fancy going to party with me...tommorrow at eight, that big house at the end of road near Town hall?" I asked and he grinned. 

"Sure" He agreed, earning a high five from one of his mates. 

"I hate you" Alex muttered when we were alone. "For a journalist you sure are oblivous" 

"Yeah...fair, I should go to Specsavers" I said and he rolled his eyes. "But I'm the one that just spotted the paparazzi" 

He looked around him quickly, passed him a cigarrette, as they aren't allow to publish any pictures of people smoking. As we walked down the streets, I flipped them off, purposefully posing dramatically to cover Al, and just to piss them off, as they couldn't publish any of this, quality content. 

Al joined in with my little photoshoot, when he figured out what was happening, with highlights including the titanic scene recreation. "Oh my...Alex Turner!" A young girl almost dropped her school bag when she spotted him, looking like she was about to faint. "I think I'm going to cry...I don't believe it" Alex gave her a small smile and willingly took a photo with her. "I thought you were dead?"

Al froze "What?" He asked. 

"Yeah it was all over the news, that's why I'm wearing all black...unless I died as well and this is heaven" She said excitably and quickly. Al gave her a polite smile and another hug, before she departed. 

He looked over at me "Rue...what did you do?" He asjed and I tried not to laugh. 

"I panicked" I said simply "The 'News' came looking for you and I didn't know what to say...but you're looking great for a dead bloke" 

He tried to hide his blush with his sunglasses. "Erm...ta. But now all the newspapers will be contacting me to clarify, just brilliant. Probably find a way to publish those pictures"

I groaned "I o'pe not, I look like Edna Mode today with me hair like this" I said, hoping to cheer him up but he didn't laugh. 

"You look beautiful, always, it's not fair" He muttered underneath his breath, he didn't seem to notice what he said was audible. 

"Erm...so do you want to crash your own funeral?" I asked and he grinned. 

"Definitly" He said, I finished my drink before he captured my hand in his, letting myself be dragges into the dark abyss that was Alex Turner. 

_Dear David, sometimes I feel like you do this on purpose, not just for a story, but to hurt me, like you think I did all those years ago. You get it wrong, torturing me won't change the past and it was you who betrayed me, not the other way round._

_Yours tiredly, Rue. x_


	24. Kitchen Nightmares Best Bits: Rue Being A Idiot Sandwhich For 3 Mins + 45 Secs

_〝Growing up it made me numb_   
_And I wanna feel something again...〞_

_*✭_ ˚

  
Dear anyone who finds this, do not blame the drugs.

I was perfectly able of fucking my life up and making matters worse, without being under the influence, artificial chemical reactions within me only pushed the urges that delved beneath my mind. Drawn to danger, apathetic to common sense. By the time I'm released sober, I was broken, even before I was made whole again, in a sense, everything was broken before it was made.

 _Don't blame the drugs, blame the reasons behind them, the means that they trigger. They don't create, they amplify what's already there._ That's what an old school mate of mine used to tell me, in his infinite shovel full of wisdom...I say shovel because he did end up overdosing in the end, digging his own grave with the need to feel something.

I had been to a decent amount of parties in the past, birthday parties where you played pass-the-parcel and ate mini sausage rolls, _(Ok, writing this memory down is making me pray for mini sausage rolls and this rich party)_ school discos where you had glow sticks and danced to _Barbie Girl_ and the _Makerina,_ then teen parties, just to get pissed and high and finally adult parties, where you either got fucked under the influence or you were drinking alcohol-free wine at a dinner party, trying not to wake your mates kids up, there was no in-between.

I had sort of formed an internal hierarchy over the years with God tier parties being any party with a Colin the Caterpillar cake, and alcohol. 

But like I said, I had been to a few different types of parties, but up until now I had never been compared toa demon at a costume party. Jamie didn't seem to keep that mind. "What are you two supposed to be?" He asked stepping back a little to inspect our costumes in another light as I guess it was difficult to see in his inflatable dinosaur costume. 

_"_ I'm Romeo, she's Juliet...we flipped a coin" Kierra said, gesturing to her Knight armour dress, which she made herself and I'll tell you, it required a lot more effort than my angel dress that was a living trigger of my Primary nativity concert trauma. I really deserved an Oscar for my performance as Angel No.4. 

"The purpose being to make fun of Al's shit film taste" I added, and Al groaned as Matt laughed at him. Matt was dressed as _Thing Two,_ to match with his wife Breana, who was dressed as _Thing One._

"You're never letting that go, are you?" He complained, trying to hide behind his flat cap, as he was dressed as _Tommy Shelby_ from _Peaky Blinders_...which was the only one of his life choices that I could get on board with. To be honest, I think it was an excuse for him to smoke indoors. "Petty demon in an angel dress"

"Two hours, two fucking hours of my life I'm not getting back" I said, finishing my can of beer, trying to contribute to Matt's divine plan, it was really complex and kind of genius. **TOP SECRET PLAN: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY:** ** _Get as fucked up as possible to destroy the party._**

"FUCK ME!!!!" Miles Kane, the human foghorn,announced his presence "Everyone looks fucking amazing..." He said, going around the room giving everyone hugs and kisses, with sonnet level compliments, this lad had way too much energy and I loved it. "I guess I really did die and go to heaven, Rue you look fucking amazing" 

"Erm...ta" I said awkwardly, well to be fair, that was one of the best responses I've come up with after being complimented. Runner's up include: _*psychotic laughter*_ and _'thanks, I sacrificed many lives for it'._ Miles laughed, ruffling my hair, which took hours to straighten, before spinning me around. "But I'm not really done as it's not really a night out without a shit tonne of glitter and bad choices"

"I like her" Breanna said laughing, and Miles agreed with her. I also like Breana back, which is why I ended up putting glitter around her eyes as well, then Miles, then Jordan and then everyone else, taking it all like trick-or-treaters. 

"Right are we alright to get going?" Nick asked, who was the only one actually dressed in a Halloween costume, in some form of zombie, ghost pirate I think, he wasn't too sure what he wanted to be so decided to be everything. It didn't really match with his girlfriend, Kelly's Red Riding Hood Costume, it was still cute. "Taxi will be waiting"

"Yeah should be" Jordan said, who was dressed as an oompa loompa, trying not to show his excitement, because at the party of doom, he was meeting none other than Anya. Turns out, he got really pissed last night and spent hours complaining to Dan who simply called her and got him to ask her out and it worked. Another point to my ego. "To Highgreen, via Hillsborough?" 

"I said it's High Green mate, via Hillsborough please!" Al said, before laughing.

"Did you just make a reference to your own song?" I asked and he grinned again.

"Someone has to" He said, filling another flask and putting it in his pocket, as he had become sort of a human fridge, looking after everyone's drinks so we could sneak them in. No one wants to be paying for drinks.

_Dear David, I probably won't be able to write much as I'm going for a piss-up, but feel free to look at my private Snap story for updates, everyone always ends posting random shit on there after a few._

**_ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ˡᵒᵘᵈ ᶜᵒⁿᵛᵉʳˢᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿˢ, ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ ˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗ ⁿᵃᵐᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ˢʰᵒᵘᵗⁱⁿᵍ 'ᵃⁿʸʷʰᵉʳᵉ ʳᵒᵘⁿᵈ ʰᵉʳᵉ ᵐᵃᵗᵉ' ᵗᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ᵀᵃˣⁱ ᵈʳⁱᵛᵉʳ, ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ..._ **

  
I was already too pissed to describe what the party looked like, but I'll tell you, rich parties don't look anything like Princess Diaries told me...so I already wanted to leave this old building and it's bundle of LIES. But I liked Matt too much. 

We had to do that human hand-holding train thing to get through the corridor, turns out there was a lot more rich people in Sheffield than I originally thought. "Weren't you supposed to bringing that bloke with the weird hair?" Al asked as we wall danced around chaotically to _Party Rock Anthem_ , like it was 2010 again and life was good. 

"Turns out he isn't in to women, he just wanted to get his mates off his back" I explained, taking another sip of Smirnoff. "Why does this keep happening to me?"

"Maybe because you look like a bloke" He suggested, I hit him on the head and he laughed. 

"I hate you" I muttered and he smiled like it was an achievement or breaking news. "And you're not even the worst thing about this evening"

"Not enjoying the party?" He teased as he spun me around, I rolled my eyes.

"It's alright, almost exactly as I expected it would be, except there hasn't been a game truth or dare where I have to kiss a really fit lad" I joked causing him to laugh _._

"Oh you just missed it, that was in the other room" He said.

"Or everyone being really drunk after being here for only five minutes" I added, trying not to laugh whilst drinking.

"We kind fo already are, but we haven't had a random nonce that I have to save you from either" He added, and I laughed, nodding. "Or a drunken kiss...yet"

"Oi, cheeky" I said, sounding a bit like my Nan, "You'd have to kiss another pretty girl though, we'll have an argument but it'll be resolved as she 'made you do it' or summat, I don't know" I looked around the room, and spotted Katie who ave me a pained look, making the symbol of the cross when Jamie wasn't looking, referring to his terrible dance move, I gave her a thumbs up. 

After a few dances with Matt and a couple of bets with Nick over how much food we could hide in our pockets, I found myself sitting next to Jordan at the side of the room, at the 'Alcohol Fatigue' section of the room. "I don't know what's wrong with me, I've spend months trying to ask her out and now that I did...I don't know kind of regret it. She's great, I dunno maybe not for me" 

"It's fine to change your mind you know" I said, finishing another drink "Maybe you just wanted to like someone for the sake of liking someone?" 

Jordan mumbled something inaudible in response. _"_ What are you supposed to be?" Jordan asked Dan, as he walked over to us, fashionably late, the fading purple light casting over him.

"I'm John Wick" He said, gesturing to his white shirt that had 'I'm John Wick' scrawled over it in a barely working sharpie.

"You put more effort in it than I was expecting to be fair" Jordan said, and he smirked. Miles seemed to have grown bored of dancing with Al and Matt to a Strokes song and joined us miserable lot. 

"No, I'm completely serious" Miles said finishing another shot of Sourz "Last time I drank this, I cartwheeled straight into this french lady and then she tried to kill me with a biro pen"

"Nah, bullshit" I said, taking the bottle from him. 

"What? You don't think I can do I cartwheel badly?" He asked before dropping his shot glass, ignoring it smash and attempted to cartwheel, but ended up crashing into a load of people. Causing the domino effect.

"No, that you got within a 10-metre radius of a woman" I said helping him up from the floor. "You're like a deterrent"

"It is a gift" He said. "But you'll never guess what happened next, the lass she were dancing with was actually a vampire..."

"And she was going to either sacrifice you and your blood to the rest of the cult, unless you go on a dangerous quest to save her daughter" I added along his drunken monolouge, and he nodded quickly.

"Who was kidnapped by her real parents who she thought died in car crash" He added and Dan groaned.

"That's enough drunken storytime, you want to dance?" Dan asked and Jordan looked over to me, before he realized he wasn't asking me.

"Thought you said, I dance like a pigeon?" Jordan asked and Dan smirked

"That was an excuse to ban you from the dancefloor but I guess, I'll take the pigeon dance" He said, and Jordan rolled his eyes but grabbed his arm anyway.

Getting bored here seemed to become an hourly tradition, me and Al did try to get ourselves kicked out by exploring the rest of the building, but that didn't work and it was all incredibly bland. But to be honest I'll take boring before I would willingly take a conversation with the next person a bumped into, yes there was an other. 

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked David, who was dressed a dickhead, just himself if you're wondering. He rolled his eyes.

"It's a fancy party, with a load of important people from the media..." He said, swirling the wine in his hand.

"You're Dad, nor anyone else could make it so they sent you?" I asked and he nodded reluctantly. 

"I also saw you, you've been avoiding my calls..." He began and I raised my eyebrow, I wouldn't need to explain why I would do that "I know exactly what you're up to, letting your little members of your scum family do you work for you, to try and dig up dirt on me. You're not going to defeat me Rue, I have too much on you. But since that isn't enough for you to stay away..."

He began to advance forward and I almost stumbled backwards. "How is your little sister Rue...Aliya was it? Oh yeah that's it...very pretty, beautiful young girl, resemblent of yourself of course. Maybe I could let one of my...close freinds pay her a little visit, show her a...good time" He whispered, leaning closer. My heart instantly fell into my stomach and I felt my nails plunge themselves into my palms. _Just breathe, remember to breathe, Rue._

"Please..." I tried, all the oxygen being stolen from my lungs. I could see the air escape infront of me and I was unable to drag it back. "Don't...I won't try anything, please"

He smirked "Oh you know how much I love it when you use your manners" He said, reaching up to push a strand of my hair away and a slapped his hand away. "One false move Marsh, one suspicion, that's all it takes..." And with that he was gone.

The resistance against never left. The air felt heavier and I watched as it drifted in and out of my lungs, cool vapor spiralling around me. _Just breathe, breathe._

The more I stared the less it was. Like I was brearhing out all the oxygen in my lungs and it was never coming back. My breath became shallower.

Fuck. I ran quickly out of the room. Trying to find the bathrooms was look a horrific game of Russian Roulette, on a game show.

 **WHO’S READY TO PLAY, SHIT OR MISS?** The new BBC game show that no one is enjoying. Our first and only contestant is RUE!!! She makes her way to the first door, ooops not the bathroom, but in fact the beginning of a sexual act.She goes for door number two, only to find two girls crying. And finally, what is behind door number 3?

Don't look for dignity in public bathrooms. Look for a place you can have a good emotional breakdown. Tears streamed down my cheeks, infused with the glitter around my eyes. I bit my tongue, trying not to sob too loudly.

Everything fell isolated in dark, broken glass, like a broken mirror. What was once whole was shattered; where once was peace was now emptiness, echoes of regret, and pain. 

  
Breana and Katie did find me in the bathroom, crying like an actress. And they spent a good ten minutes trying to make me feel better with 'You deserve better than him' and 'He dooesn't deserve your tears'. And although they thought I was upset over a breakup, it still was a nice gesture. I loved them for it, but it wasn't enough.

It gets difficult to remember, after the first, each time you get high. Because each time it's everything. It was the only moments in my life when I could breathe, letting all the oxygen escape from my lungs and falling back in again. Playing around with death with a broken rule book. I looked for that moment, when everything was safe and secure, that was the feeling I had been needing the entire time, the one I would chase forever.

The idea of forgetting, numbing the pain for a moment.... pushing away all the thoughts and pains that drowned me. Letting myself just breath. Alone, safe and comfortable my thoughts. Feel something.

I don't remember much after that, just highlights that no one could ever forget. I won an expensive vase smashing competition, Matt improved a load of expensive art with dick drawings over the top. Nick set a small fire in the kitchen and Jordan ended up knocking Dan out with a fire extinguisher. So all successful.

Some time after dancing to ABBA and a drug refuel, I remember having a random urge, to ditch the safety of the party. "Why?" Al laughed. _Because I'm high._

"I just have a random urge to go on adventure...I think I'm having a mid-life crisis" I said, dragging him by his arm. _That and I'm high._

"Sounds fun" He said, as we ran into the danger of the night time.

**_ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵈʳᵘⁿᵏᵉⁿ ᵐᵒⁿᵒˡᵒᵘᵍᵉˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ..._ **

  
"I can't believe you stole a bike" I laughed as we climbed off the said stolen bike and ran down the empty streets of High Green.

"I was being reckless" He reasoned, laughing as he span around and fell over and knowing me I probably laughed at him, instead of helping him out.

The next moments seemed to fold and collapse itself into an electric rush, everything was a blur, but the only explanation I could come up with after, was that we must've wondered around for a while, the memory of climbing a set of kids swings must have been from that night, they were too structurally stable to be part of the rough areas. That reckless streak must've continued as some rich blokes got their fence jumped by two idiots, one pissed, one high.

"I feel we shouldn't be this close to the water" He giggled as we walked along their garden, which had a pool, _rich twats._

I laughed as I balanced on the concreted near to the pool, swaying side to side a little as I walked across. "What are you scared you'll fuck up your hair or summat if you fall in?"

"My hair? I'm not the one who spent hours on your hair this morning and wouldn't let me watch Danger Mouse without them" He said laughing "You'd be scared if you fucked your hair"

I rolled my eyes, pushing him into the water. He screamed in surprised, crashing into the water. It took him a while to get back up to the surface.

He broke the surface of the water, pushing his hair back "You were scared...you though I died" He laughed as he choked on the water.

"You told me before you couldn't swim...and no I wasn't" I tried and he laughed, moving closer to the end of the pool. "I was just disappointed you didn't drown"

He smirked, grabbing my leg and pulling him in the water. Hitting the water never happened, it didn't seem possible, but I didn't feel anything before, only empty rush of water wash over my skin and through my eye lashes.

I pushed myself to the surface, coughing a little. "Fuck, I hate you, so fucking much" I laughed, jumping at him, tackling him as best as I could as he laughed me.

"What because I just proved you care about your hair and me?" He challenged and I splashed him with water, he pushed his arms deeper and faster within the water sending a bigger wave my way. As I was under an electric influence, I threw myself at him, knocking him back in the water. In some weird way to drown him, I guess.

He reached the surface, not wasting a moment before pushing me in the water, we continued to tackle one another until we were both beneath the reckless water.

"You're shit at holding your breath" I said as we reached the surface after him, he choked on the water again laughing.

"No, I'm not, you are" He said, challenging me like a child.

"No I'm not" I protested.

"Prove it" He said. Turns out I was worse at holding my breath than Al, maybe it was the drugs, or maybe that was the excuse, I will never know. He managed to hold his breath a little longer, so we decided to do it at the same time.

I couldn't stop the warmth flitter through my heart, I loved this, this atmosphere of bubbling electricity. _This was why,_ I thought at the time, this was why I couldn't read an ending. It was moments like this that I didn't want anything end.

But this moment, this moment didn't end there, I'm not sure how long we were beneath the water, how far we were from drowning. But that wasn't what was important, because in that moment, instead going up to breathe, he swam further down and pressed his lips on mine.

I quickly pushed myself, back, letting the water burn my eyes, before drifting closer to him and kissing him. _If moments could breathe._

Fire and passion rolled off of his chapped lips, lighting the cold fuse of my body and spirit. Painting it with lust and desire. My hands cupped his cheeks with his lips flooding the rest of my body, soft and rough, molten and electric.

It fell like falling snow, each individual movement lacing my skin with a cool fire, spiralling through my body, making my heart strike like thunder.

It interwhined with my soul, filling me with electricity, embedded with fibres of passion

We didn't drown that night; we broke the surface under a shared breath.

Time beneath, within his touch was drowning, nothing was ever real, it was all infinite. Like, everything seemed to have a life of its own and I didn't need to breathe. _If moments could breathe._

And then the moment fell apart, the electricity faded into nothing and I was suddenly very aware of every strand of air that fell in and out of my lungs. I was without.

_Dear David, and so it begins...FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK._   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	25. More Colossal Problems Pending Than I Can Fit In Dora The Explorer's Backpack

_〝I saw that day_   
_Lost my mind...〞_

_*✭_ _˚_

  
Sometimes I just want to punch the sun in its fucking yellow face.

For having the audacity, I suppose, to wake me up in the morning, informing me that I didn't die in my sleep, sadly. _Ok, fine I'll admit it, hungover Rue was a lot more cynical than the regular edition._

I didn't get much sleep last night, every time I closed my eyes there was a snapshot that filtered beneath them. Alex Turner seemed to be in my head more than that Britney Spears song _...now mentioning it, it's in my head in again._

 _"You're toxic I'm slippin' under"_ I sang to myself as I walked into the shared common room we had made in the hotel, which was just a place for us all to sit down and do fuck all. But not even Britney could save me from the aftermath of last night, _oh I loved Britney._

If avoiding people was an Olympic sport, not to toot my own tampon or whatever the saying was, but I would be on the receiving end of a gold medal. Bad decisions seemed to be the only way through this, the only tactic I needed apparently. _Participating in the 200 metres obstacle course, is Rue Marsh,_ _jumping over the hurdles in the kitchen when she saw Al at 10 am at record speed, and long jump from the stairs when she saw him at the lifts. Another win for team GB._

I collapsed onto the settee, laying upside down on it, my inside out socks resting on the clean wallpaper as I stared at the upside room. Everything was a distraction and the distraction was everything. A distraction from reality, dream and my overactive imagination. No matter where I was, who I was with or what I was doing; I couldn't prevent my concentration from wondering off.

My thoughts spiralled everywhere, from the dark pits of my worst memories to the starry-eyed clouds of my imagination. No matter how far they wondered or where they swam, they always returned back to the same person. _Take a guess who._

It was like the universe had just thrown me into a pit labelled: **WELCOME TO HELL, YOUR HOST AND ROOMMATE: ALEX TURNER**

Sadly the only free meditation apps that didn't require bank details as I was skint, were ones with not so relaxing voice overs like Kermit and Steve Coogan. It was difficult for me to remain calm.

"Ok, so Heat or The Sun?" Jordan asked, as she sat next to me on the settee, he was also hungover, which meant he still had more energy than the average person and I love him for it.

"Hmm?" I asked, my throat a little dry. He lifted the collection of magazines in his hands. Some friends had shared hobbies, as me and Jordan worked together, we bonded over laughing over the 'news' coverage of us in gossip magazines. "Oh right...you can pick"

"Everyone drop everything..." Jordan declared loudly to our fellow church of hungover midgets. Jamie purposefully picked Nick's bass up, just to drop it dramatically and Nick was too hungover to complain. "I think Rue has been kidnapped and replaced with a clone...the real Rue would never agree to anything without a petty arguement"

"I'm not that petty" I mumbled and he raised his eyebrow. "Beside the point, if I had a clone, I wouldn't use it to skive work, I use it to have some form of Nerf war against myself...so all my identity conflict will external rather than internal. Also to see which would be better"

"Wasted opportunity, I should've got the clone, I'd use it as a test, to see what crazy things could kill me...stunt double" He said, with a huge grin, incredibly pleased with himself, so much so I debated whether to give him some alone time with his imagination. "But seriously, what's wrong with you...you haven't looked this bad since you found out the rebooted Bob the Builder"

"Why would you remind me of that? It's nothing..." _Nothing he hadn't heard before._ I tried to hide myself from him by eating the pasta Matt had made, as there was no such thing as making the right amount of pasta, it was actually pretty good. If I were on _Come Dine With Me,_ I would give it a solid eight. "What about you? You always faff around with your hair when summat's on your mind"

He sighed heavily. "I don't know...just this whole realization of maybe, I haven't really fallen deep in a while and the lack of anything that comes with that..." He said quietly and I leaned into him, resting my arms around him, he tilted his head on mine. 

"You don't have to fall in love...falling deep doesn't make you who you are...you can't depend on love but you shouldn't run from it either" I whispered, to him, he nodded, his heart beat the only thing that kept my own going sometimes. "And you're everything Jordan...don't worry, you're a part of me, every star, every wish that anyone ever clasps onto, all fades into you"

He curled closer into me, his heart melting into mine. "I love you so much you mental midget...even though you are a clone with artificial intelligence" He muttered and I grinned, repeating his words, not using this moment to inform him that I was infact AVERAGE HEIGHT for a woman. I wasn't petty about it. "But I'm worried about you, what happened last night...? You ditched all of us"

The traces of last night broke my entirity, but brought me back to break me further, slowly. "Nothing it's all dandy here-" I began, Al suddenly walked in the room, on the phone to someone, I quickly stood up, the pasta from my lap flying everywhere as I jumped behind the settee.

Al was too busy looking like shit and getting frustrated on the phone to even notice. "No mum...I'm alive, no you don't get me life insurance, I'm still here..." He walked straight out of the room, as he liked to pace when he was on the phone, he covered the building about ten times in less than a minute when he did. I'm pretty sure that itself could make him a great contender for _Top Gear's Cross London Transport Race._

Jordan rested his hands on the top of the settee, looking down at me with an amused grin. "Fine...everything's fucked..." I muttered, leaning my head against the wall and closing my eyes. "I just...don't think I can do this...I don't think I can just...do that to him...a real person, he isn't a story Jordan...it's only hitting me now because..."

"Because he's no longer declaring a civil war on you?" He suggested and I sighed, nodding reluctantly. "David won't win, he can't...we'll outsmart him, no matter how fucked things have gotten in the past, it always sorts itself out...we'll be fine, don't worry"

"It's not us I'm worried about..." I mumbled. _What would happen after? His heart was already broken, beyond repair...and I fucking DIYed it temporary just so I could tear it apart again...haha, life hacks._ I cleared my throat, dragging myself out of my pool of thoughts before I could drown. "Anything good this week?"

He gave me a confused look, befre smiling sofrly as he took his issue of _Heat_ out again. "Apparently I was part of drug mafia in Secondary..." He said showing me the article and I laughed. "That's absurd...it was hardly a mafia more of a trade Pokéman Go cards sort of thing, what about you?"

"Still boring...all about me being Alex Turner's new bird, already decided I'm using him...well they're not wrong" I whispered the last part, I had a feeling Matt had super hearing, comes with parenting.

"Some of our old class mates are selling your infomation to the The Sun..." Jordan said "Careful...and some point the whole world will know the French trip..."

_Dear David, I'm not sure what your game was, if you even thought any of this through...but you'd be pleased to know that it's crushing me._

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ʰᵒᵘʳˢ ᵒᶠ ʳᵉˢᵉᵃʳᶜʰⁱⁿᵍ ʰᵒʷ ᵗᵒ ᵉˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵒᵘⁿᵗʳʸ ᵒⁿ ᵂⁱᵏⁱ ᴴᵒʷ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

It should be noted that if you're deep in the process of enjoying the second breakdown of the day...it shouldn't be interuppted, especially not by a knock on the window at nine at night, to the rhythm of _Take Me Out._ _Ah, a killer with good music taste._

  
I held my breath, this was it wasn't it? This was then end, someone was going to fucking murder me, and I hadn't even solved any of my problems or finished _Stranger Things_ yet, so it wasn't even going to be a victory for the murderer to brag aboutbat villain con or whatever the fuck they do.

  
With the strength of fear burning through my veins, and calmness as well as I was still a little hangover, _Sorry can you come back in a fortnight...had a piss up with the lads, not in the right state to be killed...cheers._ I opened the window, screaming simultaneously to the person behind it. 

  
I sighed in relief when I realized it was only Al, then I lost my mind again when I realized it was Al.

No matter how good I got at this avoiding game he got he seemed to be everywhere, it was times like these when I felt I needed the mao from Dora's backpack. Where'd you like to go? _Anywhere away from him._

"I feel like there are easier ways to scare someone to death..." I said looking down at the ladder he used to access my hotel room window, I was like on the sixth floor. "Unless I've imagined all of this...if so, I'm never drinking again"

"Don't worry, I'm not a hallucination" He said with a smirk and I tried to ignore the electric sensation that fluttered through my chest as he helped me open the window further. "This is real" _Oh fuck me._ "I did the whole Take Me Out thing..." _Marriage material right there._

"And you got the ladder" I said fondly, with a small smile. Where he got it from I didn't know, maybe he had pockets like Dora's backpack _, I think it's getting obvious that I may be a little aspirational towards that cartoon character._

"I'm impressed but whatever you need Mr Turner...I'm afraid I can't help you. It seems we're closed at this hour" I whispered, trying not to wake anyone else up.

"Oh really?" He asked, smirking "I happen to be good friends with the manager, ask her"

I smiled softly "Oh I don't want to wake them, you best come in quickly then" I whispered as I helped him climb through the window, his leather jacket getting caught on the window still, causing him to crash through. _Another point to why, members of the jury, leather jackets aren't practical...I'm pretty sure he didn't visit his mum like that. OBJECTION, under the grounds of hypocrisy you've visited your mum with a cul-_

"Is it euphoric in there?" He asked and I hummed in response, snapping out of my mind. "Your daydreams...you always falling back into them" I nodded soflty, holding onto then end of my sleeves awkwardly. He gave me a small but amused smile. "Maybe you'll let me visit sometime"

"Yeah...I have brouchures" I cleared my throat awkwardly, _oh this really was some form of medieval torture, fuck you David._ "What do you need Al...like I said, shops kind of closed" ** _keep it together Rue, remember your meditation app practices._**

His gaze was attracted to everything but me. "I need to talk to you..." He began and all that my heart was, left me. "I know I've been avoiding you, and that was fucked" _ **take a nice deep breath.**_

I began to nod but then stopped midway, "You've been avoiding me?" I repeated and he nodded, seemingly trapped within guilt.

"It's just...after everything that's happened..." He sighed heavily, in an attempt to steady his breath. "I feel like I can't do this to you" _ **imagine your cave.**_

" _You_ can't do this to me?" My voice mirrored his, cringing as I mimicked him yet again, I could already imagine Moody Margret scolding me with ' _Is there an echo in here?'_ **.** I cleared my throat, "I'm sorry...I'm just not with it...I can't....I guess when I'm...words" _Brilliant, an absolute poet._

"It's ok..." He began in a soft whisper, that pooled through the anxiety that had flooded my stomach. His touch brushed past my cheek, tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. "It's fine...I just have to know..." His breath shook as he hesistated. "Did you only kiss me because you were high?" _**imagine you're in your cave, your nice, peaceful cave.**_

In that moment my heart stopped beating. His eyes breaking within mine. Smoke and mirrors, darkness shattered. I _wanted to say yes, I wanted to tell him that I would personally find him someone else for him to fall deep for, someone who could. Coming soon on the Bachelor...._ _wait I kissed him first? That wasn't how I remembered it, yet another example of why I'm not a reliable narrator._

My heart began to fade, when instead the word "No" hurt me as I forced it to fight past my lips.

Time was nothing.

And nothing were the short breaths between us, the one's that fell idle in a decaying trance, as they provided neither of us with comfort or any life. Nothing was the air that slipped past his lungs without any chance of return. Nothing was the dark clouds that coated rhe ceiling above and dipped down into the rims around his anxious stare.

Time was nothing and Alex Turner was everything. _If moments could breathe, if looks could kill. If moments could breathe when looks kill._

He wasn't breathing again, _just breathe._ He leaned against the frame of Jordan's bed, _it isn't real._ "Did you..." I began, peeling the dry skin off my bottom lip nervously, _as I was a fucking lizard a guess...layers, no wait that's an ogre, my bad_. "...only kiss me back because..."

His eyes fluttered to a close, alongside the temporary stop of his own heartbeat. "No..." He whispered, he looked up to face me. "I wanted to..." His voice cracked a little, hushed inside a small whisper. _ **YOU'RE IN YOUR CAVE RUE!!**_

I steadied myself, his eyes locked into mine and with that look, the stars were united but there was no light. A small smile slipped through my lips as I drifted over to him, resting my head against his shoulder before falling into him. He caught me quickly, laughingas we swayed slightly before he had steadied us both onto our feet. I kept my arms around his neck and his made themselves comfortable around my back. **within your cave, look for you comfort animal...your walrus.**

He cupped my cheeks, resting his head against mine. _Let's have a bet you and I..._ A shiver burried itself beneath my skin, dragging itself through my spine, and it wasn't just because I fell apart within his touch. _break his heart._

"I'm sorry..." He mumbled under his breath, letting go of me and I nearly collapsed in relief _maybe..._ "Like I said, I feel like I can't do this to you" _**in the cave, the cave starts to flood.**_

Those words. Those fucking words. If I came with a disclaimer in fine print, it would be those words. ' _I love you Rue...but I can't do this to you, I'll only hurt you' 'I'm sorry baby but you're too good for me, I'll only bring you down'_ _and 'If they find out about you, they'll torture and slaughter you, just to get back at me, I can't do this to you'._ It was all the same shit, it was like the men in my life were those little teddy bears with a voice a box that has limited phrases on it. _Break his heart. Maybe, maybe not._

"After everything I've done to you, everything I've said...threatened" He rambled, overwhealmed with guilt. "Fuck, I was such a _cunt_ , like really, I know aplogising won't change that, but I was just...I just really blamed you for everything just because you were a journalist, and you were _there._ It was so fucked of me, I know I can't change that and I'm not trying to...you just deserved to know at the very least"

In that moment I became guilt. "Oh..." I mumbled, exhaling, detaching myself from him so I could let my trembling body fall rest onto Jordan's bed. "Oh.. that's...that's an interesting development" _oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._ ** _the walls came crashing it in, the walrus is crushed with this overwhealming guilt_**

I shifted on the sheets, sitting cross legged on the bed, resting my hands on the surface on the traces from his touch. For the first time in my life, I found myself without words, unable to say anything... _my mum would like Al._

His movements were hesitant as he mirrored mine, sitting opposite me. I flinched a little as he removed my hands away from the magazine I was destroying. "I'm not expecting anything from you, I don't really deserve anything to be honest. I just wanted you to know...I'm never going to hurt you, not again, I can't promise anything, because I know I broke the only promise I made you. But I want my promises to mean summat, summat real. I'm not going to leave you, I'm not going to ask for anything from you, because all I really want is..." He trailed off, and I looked up, his gaze nervous and slightly concerned. "You don't have to worry, just please say something, _anything_..."

"I'm not worried" I said simply and a small smile that he tried to suppress, made it's way through. He lifted my wrists onto his lap and took the crinkled paper away from my palms, and held my them instead.

"You always make spontaneous oragami when your stressed" He informed me, referring to the torn paper, a half chuckled escaped me. "I'm not convinced"

I rolled my eyes and he nudged me, I gave in. "I'm not worried about what you'll do to my heart, it broke a long time ago. But it's not like I've been an angel, I have this issue that if someone has a negative outlook towards people I care about, then I'll just switch to cunt mode, not even joking...no in between" He laughed. "I'm sure I threatened to kill you a few times..."

"Yeah you did, but was quite creative. I'm guessing that offer is still available" He suggested and I gave him a knowing look and we both laughed. "I did kind of have no respect for your respect for your privacy either, shit...do we need a list or contract to sign, to acknowledge all the fucked things we did to each other?"

"Or a nine-part documentary series" I added, and he nodded, all too enthusiastically. I bit my lip once more. "Don't you think this is all a bad idea?" He sighed heavily. "Al, you just got over your breakup, isn't this...whatever this is, a bit...."

"Rue...please..." He began "For once, just consider the idea that maybe people are able to look after themselves and that maybe, we do thing we want to do. I wouldn't be sitting here, with you, if I didn't want to. This is bad idea...and that's why I can't run from it" _**the walrus' discarded body drowns in the flood of confusion and arousal.**_

Silence drapped around us, and if I couldn't hear it, I would've believed my heart had stopped beating. The light from the moon had slipped through the window, skimming the surface of his skin. There were no clouds tonight, stars were flooding the sky.

But I wasn't looking at them, I was looking at him. With the dark room softening his dark hair, all the stars were spiralling through the surface of his skin. Electric light tracing under his eyes, a dark sky under faint freckles, scattered embers of a dying fire that my fingers began to trace into a constellation as I stargazed. "Don't look at me like that..." I whispered.

"Like what?" He asked.

"I'm not your answer Al...and you're not mine" I began. "This isn't going to rescue your heart from drowning"

"This, " He indicated the two of us, "Isn't worthless"

"There is no 'this'. This is nothing" I said, unsure how I thought I was convincing myself, because the only thing keeping me sane was staying away from my mind. _Please let it be nothing, tell me you're pissed, tell me April fool's has come early, just anything...anything to stop the possibly that you could be...._

"And I am nothing," Al prompted."And as you've always said, you want nothing."

I was unsure how to respond when the only thing other than my heart I could fall back on was him. "In this moment there is only us two...like you always said the past isn't real and the future doesn't matter. You're not going to hurt me and I won't hurt you, not in this moment. I know you're trying to get me to leave, to keep me away from your fears, the dangerous shit in your life. But in this moment, if you want me to stay, with you, then let me"

 _Or everyone will know what you did._ My heart seemed to have melted and it was spiralling through my veins, moving my arms to rest around his neck, where it fit, like a wonky puzzle piece from another puzzle which you don't remember ever owning. _your sister. Her voice was inside of me, her smile inprinted beneath my eyelids. your brother. You and your scum family._ I saw Jordan, the part of me that air wouldn't work without.

And with that, I leaned forward and let my lips connect with his, just like I had done the night before. He seemed a little taken back at first, but then he held onto me in a way I had never been held in my entire life and fell deep into me as the entire universe burst into colour, my lips painted with the galaxy's edge.

The once sombre darkness that had tainted my heart was dissolved with an ilusive soul made of stars. Exotic fibres of light, that provoke holes in a blanket of darkness. Speckles of raw passion that had once only lived in a forbidden fantasy now suprised me in reality.

Soothing brush strokes of vibrant colours and dangerous hues swirled through hiz touch, stroking the tones together, infused with each touch as they embedded the serenity and mystical nature of a constallation, falling into place on my lips.

And for this moment and this moment only, I was glad I was lost, without any thought of David, the moment before or after. Because it didn't matter whether or not he would be in my life the way I wanted him to be or not. What matter was that he was here now and he stayed.

But then it fell, just like the newly form planets and stars. Swept away from my lips leaving a trickling snapshot, sending shivers from my skin as it tried to stay alive.

He held onto me tightly, as if he was sure if this was life or dream. His smile unmatched by the bright stars in his eyes. "So what now?" He asked quietly, trying to sound calm.

"I'm going to go to the toilet" I said suddenly and he laughed, jumping off of the him and Jordan's bed with the same movement, which I was quite proud off, _the next event in women's gymnastics._

"You could just tell me if I was the bad of a kisser..." He joked and I laughed again, doing that annoying thing when I hit the closest thing to me which happened to be his arm before I fell on my back. "Just your body's natural response, quick..."

"I've been needing to go for a while, that's why I was like, _hurry up,_ every time you spoke. I'm hungover" I said between breaths of laughter. "Not because I'm completely repulsed by the fact I can still taste the salt and vinegar crisps you ate earlier...because you're a cretin"

"And I still stand by it, best flavour" He said "Wait I don't really do I?" I shook my head, leaning forward and closing the gap between us again. There weren't any crisps, not really. His lips were soft yet chapped with a taste of passion and ash brushing of them. It lasted no longer than a second but delved with innocence and tragedy all the same, throwing fire around as if it was nothing.

I ran out of the room, passing Jordan in the hallway who was camping out with Nick, playing Mario Kart, on an old DS. I wasn't able to think much of it, as I ran straight into Matt's room, which was empty, so I could lock myself in the bathroom.

I sank to the floor, giving a moment to the pain that burned beneath my skin. Everything was painted beneath this torture, a lens that was contaminated with fear. Painful sobs escaped me and ran away to my clothes.

With everything distorted, I wasn't sure how long I was there, being held close to David's torment until the feelings of grief, gave way to numbness. **_the remains of the walrus are feasted on by it's prey. irony._**

_Dear David, I can't do this anymore, I can't continue to play forward and hurt him, or go back and hurt everyone else. I wish I was still stuck at that stalemate, when the problem was there, but faded in the back of my mind, like a pebble stuck in my shoe, that was irritable, but not enough for me to remove it. Everything I did, all the mistakes I made, are going to destroy someone who didn't even know me at the time...who doesn't even know me now. I did this. I did this and he's going to be the one who pays for it. I did this._ _This is real._

_Yours emotionally unstable, Rue x_   
  
  



	26. Deep Thoughts About The Universe And Love Poems About My Hyperthetical Cat p

**SMOKING CIGARETTES ON THE ROOF** you look so pretty and i love this view...  
⤷𝓰𝓲𝓻𝓵 𝓲𝓷 𝓻𝓮𝓭

**────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆────────**

  
★*:･ﾟ𝖄ou know what wasn't a good look for me? Extreme tiredness. You know know what I was suffering from right now? _Fucking exhaustion._

Al didn't seem to think this was an issue, as he wasn't interested in letting me sleep, _my modern solution to my modern problem._ I say this to practice this just in case I accidently end up on Jeremy Kyle or Oprah so I can defend myself when I say, for once, I wasn't just complaining. Everytime I tried to sleep, Al would start whispering to me his random thoughts like we were at a Year five sleepover.

 _ **And cut.**_ Did we get all that, are they convinced? good. It wasn't all show buisness, I was very tired, but it didn't matter as here, with him, the sleep lost, gained meant nothing. I was stuck, between the two states of dream and reality, the comfort you feel when you turn your alarm off with a five minute lie in. Those random thoughts were everything.

The high had escaped me now, there was no other drug inside of me. I called bullshit however, I still felt something, crawling through my bloodstream, flooding me with an infinite formula, one that drowned out the world around me and consequently, my common sense. It was the traces of electricity that clasped and clawed on my lips, the depths of Al that would never leave me, another pool of drugs, and this time, I promised myself I wasn't addicted. _I couldn't let myself be, because in the end, this time, it would be him who would overdose._

The feeling would fade and grow, ebb and flow, like the last ash from the dying campfire, threading into the open air, with the same artistic swirl as smoke. Smoke embroidered with spirit and life, escaping and returning to my lungs. And every time it did, I'd just lean in and press my lips against his once more, another shot, another gasp of the drug, it couldn't hurt me now, only destroy everything in the future.

We were tangled within eachother, laying on my bed, lost in one another. I rested my head against his chest, as I kept my eyes shut, not awake, but not falling asleep either. As if, if I let myself fall asleep he'd be gone when I opened my eyes...but if I opened my eyes now, I'd see that this was real, he was here and it was going to be the end of him.

The early hours of that epilouge of November, one of the last chapters of the month was within a freezing mystique, a ending narrative of air cold enough to display your breaths, your life infront of you. But not cold for it to snow, it never did, we were in stalemate in South Yorkshire.

To survive we had insulated ourselves in random layers of Jordan's clothing, I'll tell you, not to ruin the sentiment, but for later reference, if I saw what I was wearing without that lust haze, I would've probably panicked to the point I'd spontaneously combust. _Al got the elmo tee, I got the Jesus shirt, Jordan's raffle prize from last years charity event._

"What rhymes with enigmatic?" He asked randomly, still lost in the ceiling. My laugh was muffled a little with my face using his chest as a pillow.

"How about...stop reading the dictionary when you can't sleep, you _achromati_ c?" I suggested and he smirked, his fingers still running through my hair in an explorative nature. I usually didn't like it when people did that. But with him it was different for some reason, I had a feeling he was slowly mapping out the whole of me, my soul, my body, my mind. Exploring all the winding paths, dangerous trenches...deeming which areas were safe for him to cross.

"That's a bit lengthy..." He said as I pulled him closer, he seemed never close enough. _Portable pillow_.

"Power ballad material?" I mumbled lazily and I could feel his chest rise as he grinned.

"Definitly" He agreed. "Maybe you'll be part of more music other than that song I wrote about you a few weeks back _...The Stubborn Psychopath"_

"As long as it has an sexy bass line" I added "If I were to be in any of your music, let it be in the most random shit, that doesn't have much to do with me...like just put words in a random generator and be like, yes I'm practically a poet...that song about the muderous goth is a metaphor and the other song about that secret moon base from James Bond that's been refurbished into space hotel for Arabella the llama is all secretly about my deep, inner lust for journalists"

" _Journalist_ " He corrected me "But challenged accepted, I'll write an album or a musical like that...if you write an article on Jamie Oliver's food, but like in an erotic style. David will love that"

"Shushhh..." I mumbled, trying to place my hand to his lips without looking, lazily. But failed and ended up just brushing his face and smile several times. _Je suis un artiste._ "We don't say his name...he doesn't exist in this dimension, he can't...it's too serene"

He nuzzled my neck slightly before he brushed his lips against mine. "David's dimension is probably where the sleep paraylsis demon hides..." He said "Wait...do I make you..." He hesistated. "Is all this..."

"Yes..." I whispered, still within his touch "Yes Alex Turner it's all cloudless here, lying here with you makes everything peaceful. I'm half asleep, half dreaming. More importantly, do you ever think about what we'd be like in the different parallel universes. Like the thousands of other Rue and Al's lying here, but with purple perms or summat? I think maybe in an alternate universe I would've been one of those boat rowers in Venice"

"I see it...but I know that I would've been a medieval French farmer who couldn't play the guitar...I'll be a bit far from Italy" He said and I felt my eyes open as I looked up to him. _My heart stopped beating._

"We'd be lying like this is every alternate universe?" I asked and he nodded, giving me a confused look. _From what I heard the lad falls too deep, too quickly._

"Just with like, orange curtains instead" He mumbled, I was unable to respond, hoping that I'd find a way to fall asleep and dream of a world where guilt didn't exist. "I think I'm going to open a window wider, there's a thick moth that can't figure out how to escape" I protested as he tried to sit up, by holding on to him like a diabetic koala. "It's not Andrew, don't worry. He still remains a loyal therapy pet"

"I never doubted him" I muttered, still refusing to let go of him. _I_ _didn't care about the moths. Unless spiders got in, I cared about spiders. Little demons._

_Dear David, what the fuck do I do now?_

**_ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ʰᵃˡᶠ ᵃⁿ ʰᵒᵘʳ ᵒᶠ ʳᵉᶜᵒᵛᵉʳⁱⁿᵍ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᶜᵃʳᵈⁱᵃᶜ ᵃʳʳᵉˢᵗ ᵃᶠᵗᵉʳ ᴶᵒʳᵈᵃⁿ ʷᵒᵏᵉ ᵘˢ ᵘᵖ ᵛⁱᵃ ᵇᵃⁿᵍⁱⁿᵍ ᵃ ˢᵖᵒᵒⁿ ᵃᵍᵃⁱⁿˢᵗ ᵃ ᵖᵃⁿ..._ **

"Ok, what's the emergency, you used a Gif on the group chat...I pressummed someone was dying." Jamie said as he joined the rest of our flock of exhausted pigeons. "Was it because you heard Nick's concept album?" 

  
"I'm not making a concept album Cookeh, how many times?" Nick complained as he took a seat on the settee, Jamie sat on his lap. "That was a dream, remember? It never happened"

Jamie grinned. "Eh, this year has been so mental I don't even know anymore...but a concept album dream? What's the verdict?" He asked me as I sat next on the top of the settee, above the two.

"You unconciously want Nick to leave the band and start a solo career?" I suggested, beginning the braid Nick's long hair into dutch plaits. Nick cheered and Jamie groaned.

"None of this is to do with Nick's concept album" Kierra said "This is an emergency...Rue, I think it's yours"

"I don't claim every disa-no wait, yeah this one is on me" I said as Kierra moved to the side to reveal a short, excitable seventeen year-old who was wearing a baggy _Cage The Elephant_ top tucked into a leather mini skirt. Jordan stood next to her, lifting his arms up to mimic that Will Smith meme.

"Heyyyyyyyyy" My sister said, causing a grin to appear on my lips before I ran up to her quickly and wrapped my arms around her.

"Aliya, you alright?" I asked her, resting my arm around her shouler. "Your hair looks peng" I gestured to her knew silver braids. "New style?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to go with a more edgy, like 2010 Tumblr look. Maybe that'll go with my riffs" She said excitably, laughing. My sister was the talented one of the family, there's always one you hear about at Christmas. Her aspiration to become an R&B singer full time hadn't interrupted her studies that much, her main issues being trying to find an original 'image', like Lady Gaga or Billie Eillish. It hadn't been successful so far.

"Looks great...I'm getting darker soul music, minor R&B...midnight drive in the summer...a bit like..." I began.

"Lisa Lopes" We both concluded and she rolled groaned, knowing she was going to have to uodate her wardrobe when she got home. _This was yet another argument for us getting Cher's outfit organizer from Clueless._

"What are you even doing here?" I asked. 

"Well, I was revising for me mocks and then Jordan sent a selfie to the group chat, informing me that you failed to mention that you were having a weekend off with the **FOOKING ARCTIC MONKEYS** of all people. You know just the band I were obsessed with last year...not a big thing" She said sarcastically, placing her hands to her hips. "The next thing I knew I had skived school and taken the next tube to Sheffield...I don't even remember buying a ticket"

"Well...erm, nice to meet you Rue Jr, I'm Nick" Nick said offering his hand out and Aliya shook it carefully. "This is Jamie"

"Oh I know" She said simply and I cleared my throat, hoping this wouldn't be any more problematic. "Hi" She added when Matt shook her hand.

"Don't cry" I told her with a smile as Alex let her give him hug, I guess he was as concerned as I was that she was going to faint, at least she wouldn't hit the floor.

"I'm not going to cry" She assured me, as she was reluctant to let Al go, who only laughed softly.

"How's it going lads...are we ready to get going? Manchester? Let's have it" Miles shouted loudly as he walked into the room, ruffling Matt's hair as he walked passed and took Jordan's Mars bar out of his hand.

"Ok, yeah, I'm gonna cry" She said staring at Miles in shock, frozen like she were playing _Stuck In The Mud_ back in primary and she was waiting for someone to crawl under her legs. _That wasn't supposed to sound like that, I'm not a nonce_. She'll recover don't worry, she'll tweet about it later.

"So...should we get going then?" Matt asked, trying not to laugh at his youngest son, Al who was still Aliya's hostage. "Just leave Al behind?"

"Yep" I said, grabbing his hand "Onwards to the origin summoning grounds of the Gallagher's"

"Wait what? You get to go to their concerts as well? And you didn't think of telling me?" Aliya asked dramatically, "That's it you're offically disowned!" I was about to celebrate then and there, about to get the brandy and everything but then Jamie said:

"Well technically you can always just come with us, as the mini incarnation of Rue" _I put the hyperthetical excuse to serve my alcoholism down._

"Welcome back to the family!" Aliya cheered and I rolled my eyes but pulled her into an embrace again, and she laughed. "Road trip!"

"I'm sitting in the front...so I'm picking the music" Jamie declared, beginning to run out of the room.

"Fuck no" Nick said before he chased after him, tackling him to the ground. Matt resolved any music arguments by playing the CD that was already in his car, which contained nursery rhymes for his kid, so it made a very strange but oddly satisfying, episode of Carpool Karaoke.

_Dear David, there is God and then there is us. The fine line that divides the two are blurred by those who threaten to harm us. You chose your side a long time ago, but this, this is the person you threatened. You touch her again and I promise you, it'll be on your autopsy._

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ˢᵉʳᵛⁱᶜᵉ ˢᵗᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ ˢᵗᵒᵖˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

So maybe the expectation that One Direction fanfictions had created of what backstage life was like was incredibly polarizing to the reality. 

Instead of getting railed at the side lines, Jordan's baby face and my dungarees got us mistaken for the student tech and volunteer crew, so in the end we ended up helping set up again. They were all a laugh though, so it was all calm, even got a group photo next to the scaffolding. _Tis an aesthetic. But tragically, I had to delete all of my social media because...fangirls._

It sort of all reminded me of when I used to do roadshows when I was in Uni, with college indie bands. But this time, the bands were actually decent, evident by the fact that we were on the sidelines, losing our collective shit over the support band, which was the Hives. Yeah, the fucking Hives. _I mean, I was pretty sure I had died and gone to heaven, but then realized_ _that I was with my sister, so that was mutually exclusive._

"hAtE tO sAy I tOld yOu So" The lyrics casted away from us, even though we couldn't hear ourselves over the music, which was a blessing to be fair. The the loud riffs and base was a we welcoming invasion, motion swirled recklessly as we jumped around each other with the same chaos as when you reach the final lap of Mario Kart and the music starts to speed up. "i Do bEliEvE i ToLd YoU sO" 

I only had one arm around Al as we all danced along, as I had a drink my hand, like I said, it's weird dancing without holding something. Every dancing experience I had with this lot made me consider whether or not we should release our own _Just Dance...Just Dance Monkey Fever?_

  
Before I could complete my internal buisness plan, it was time for the Arctic Monkeys to send their audience into cardiac arrest just from their stage pressence. At first me, Jordan, Aliya and Miles spent our time from the sides, singing along and losing our shit over their earlier songs that brought us back to our teen years...an awful time for my clothing range. But then it all drifted away when the music slowed down, and the bass line fronted itself until it became my own external heartbeat. _The new album, Sofía may have created a new constellation of music through his broken heart._

The riff enchanced the mhsic allowing the mist to fade, he looked happy, confident on stage. But sometimes his voice would crack and eyes would close at the lyrics, those lyrics that came from his hurt. He was still hurt, always hurting, for them, they didn't deserve. No one did. Nothing was worth his broken heart.

 _Except for your own secrets._ An all to familair voice pushed through the front of my mind and I tried to push it away. _David put a price on his heart...and you accepted._ There was no air left in the world again.

" _And I thought I was yours forever_  
 _Maybe I was mistaken"_

"Why do you look at him like that?" Aliya asked me, dragging me out of my mind.

"Like what?" I mumbled and she sighed a little, resting her head on my shoulder.

" _But I just cannot manage to make it through the day, without thinking of you lately"_

"Like the universe starts and stops with him" She said carefully "Like he's the night sky, dark enough for stars...but also like you know he's not going to make into the morning"

_Fuck, I didn't realize I was that obvious. Maybe I wasn't going to get an oscar for my shit acting. "_ Everyone does" I said simply, unable to remove my gaze from him. "Those would actually make some cute lyrics for you" 

  
"What about Michael?" She asked, ignoring me and I felt my body tense.

"I broke up with him" I said simply and I didn't have to turn around to acknowledge her ' _da fuck?'_ expression. But I did anyway, looking back at her.

She struggled to find her words "You...what? Why? After everything you two left, after everything you were...why would you just...?" Aliya managed to say, _I guess we shared the same articulate level of poetic literacy._

I couldn't answer her, too much to explain, it was all just too much. I looked back to Al, and for a moment, his eyes met mine, an endless depth of ink started to flicker into focus, as my heart let his eyes started to explore mine There were so many colours buried inside him, protected and hidden away many a false impression of danger that only showed best through black. _Music is a broken heart._

"Oh...oh...no good ever came from you falling deep, Rue" She said simply "Falling deep isn't going to save yourself from your mind. You'll drown" I shook my head, denying her suggestions. _I wasn't falling deep, but I couldn't just explain to her that it was all guilt, and it was all to protect her._

It wasn't just the crowd who were disappointed when the Monkeys left the stage, we all were. Soft smiles and laughs intertangled with hush conversations and subtle remarks, the after effect, the post music bliss, filled the next moments. And then, the moments that followed, removed me and Al from the rest of the world. The faint shadows of our souls were difted together, displaced only a few heartbeats away from our friends.

"So, do we get a decent review in the next article?" Al teased, knowing fully well I could never give his music a bollocking. I laughed half-heartly.

"You were amazing, all of you" I said simply, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I'm pretty sure you collectively managed to open up a portal to the other dimensions...but you don't need me to tell me that"

"But what if I want you to?" He asked, a small smile pressing against his lips, mirroring my own. _But it still couldn't leave my mind, the way those songs left him._

"It still hurts doesn't it...?" I asked him and his expression fell. "The songs, the past? It's ok if it does. You're allowed to feel it when you're hearts broken, you don't owe anyone anything. Those songs are still pieces of you, it doesn't matter if they're not healed yet"

His soft touch brushed my cheeks as he closed the gap between us, kissing me slowly. "The past doesn't exist in that way for me anymore...I'm starting to look back at that time with fondness now, those songs hurt because they're about the past. But here, right now, standing with you, the past isn't real...there's only this moment, the moments we're together" He said. _Yep, I've offically fucked him over. Thinking like that was what got me in this mess._

"You should audition for a Netflix original Rom-Com with that" I said, laughing nervously and he raised his eyebrow. I sighed, resting my forehead against his. "Those moments won't last forever...but they don't need to. Maybe you sort of, possibly, make me want to think of the future...the following moments we may have together"

His eyes widened and he exaggerated his gasp. "It isn't possible" He stated dramatically, holding onto his heart as he fell slowly to the ground. I laughed.

 _"Hmmmm whatcha sayyyyy..."_ I sang through the laughs. _"Mmmm that you only meant wellllll"_

 _"Well of course you did, mm whatcha sayayayayy"_ He joined in, from the floor, he extended his arm towards me, dramtically, I let him capture his hand in mine, but he pulled me down with hime before I could help him up. _"Mm that it's all for the best?"_

The laughter faded into shallow breaths, and soft stares, his hand reached over to push a lose strand of my hair behind my ear, and even though in doing that, it made me look like a monkey, I didn't care. "We playing for double points tonight!" Nick said, appearing out of no where, throwing a torch towards me thar hit my arm. Me and Al sat up quickly, Nick didn't seem to notice, apparently being more oblivous than both of Phineas and Ferb's parents.

"What?" I asked him, clearing my throat when mt voice cracked.

"Hide and Seek in the dark" Nick said, accidently shining the torch in his eyes when he turned it on. "It's tradition...but me and you are playing for the same conditions, but double points"

"I'll take that..." I mumbled, letting him help me to my feet.

_Dear David, I saw a crow fly straight into a window, and I thought of you._

_Yours stressed, Rue x_   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	27. Unexpected Item In Your Bagging Area: Doubt

**THIS NIGHT IS WINDING DOWN** but  
time means nothing  
⤷𝔀𝓮 𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝓼𝓬𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓼

  
★*:･ﾟ𝕮onfession: It was only at the modest age of twenty-five that I received my first balloon animal, from none other than God herself Katie Cook. _Twas a purple unicorn, and we named it Darcy._

The next item I could cross-off my imaginary bucket list, was going to a zoo, as Breana Helders had created her own portable _Animal Crossing_ in her handbag. Apparently, according to the Breana Commandments, as she was also a Goddess, like the ancient Greeks she had her own department...animals, bringing pets was imperative for outings. And I lived for it.

"Aww, you are the cutest bean in the whole world...bby" I said in that weird tone that we all switch on when we're talking to animals and babies, as I ran my fingers through it's soft fur and it licked my face, dogs always seemed to get along... _because they smell their kind_ as my mam used to say.

"You'll be an adorable dictator when animals revolt and take over the human race...now attack Al" I said and Al, who was sitting on the settee with his legs up, leaning into Matt as he read _There Is A Happy Land,_ raised his eyebrow at me, unamused. The dog didn't move. "Good...we don't attack Al, attack Jordan"

Breana laughed softly, her dog placing his paws on her lap. "I feel like I'm going to be convicted of Aiding and Abetting" She said, sitting, cross-legged opposite me, tracing circles into a hedgehog she cupped in her hands, because she also seemed to be a magician for the _WWF_ , what a legend. "I don't usually bring the whole cavalry, but I had to drop by on my way back from Matt's parents house to make sure everything was all set for tonight. I also feel like adopting a snake on the way there...I saw one at Pets At Home"

_Marriage may be the only solution here lads._

"You're an actual Disney Princess...please do" I said as she laughed again, wrapping her arms around her angel of dog. "Tonight? Oh isn't it that small awards evening you lot weren't sure if you were attending or not?"

Breana raised tried not to laugh and Katie raised her eyebrow at Jamie who stopped eating his bowl of Shreddies half way, his guilty expression officially winning the cutest mugshot category in my own award show I was hosting, _les mediocre awards._ "Yeah I'm pretty sure the Brit Awards is just some little awards show...nothing much" Katie said, and I tell you, if one of many dandelion wishes came true and I turned into a cartoon character...my jaw would've dropped to the floor.

"You're having a laff" Jordan said as a balanced Darcy on his head. Matt shrugged, mimicking this strange monkey behavior of modesty...should I narrate _Planet Earth?_ "You lot told me it was for MTV...muppets" Nick laughed and Jordan hit him round the back of his head with his water bottle. "Whyyyyy?"

There was a quick exchange of glances between the Rockstar's before they all participated in a group laughter... _ah inside jokes, all fun and games until you're not involved with them._

"It's been a tradition since 'bout the third album...Matt's Nan were being all mardy 'bout Matt touring and shit, saying he were gonna end up winding up as a full on dickhead, too calm for people, that sort of shite...tha knows" Kierra explained, tapping away on her laptop next to me, I lent my head on her shoulder. "So they're all petty enough to still pretend not to care about anything, especially awards. I'm all for it, but you lot could actually, answer questions, it makes me look like a shit manger, looking after crackos or summat" _Haha, wouldn't that be something? Don't do drugs kids :)_

"It annoys Matt's Nan and it turns us into conspiracy theories with the media..." Al said, looking up from his book. "Especially with the new album, already decided what half the song's are about...and I'm like no it were about an alpacca, and then Matt's car, tha knows"

I nodded, joining in with everyone else's laughter, trying to avoid his suspicious glance behind Darcy. "You haven't listened to the album yet, have you?" He asked. I never used to didn't believe we had the ability to read minds or predict the future...but this completely changed my mind. Should I write a conspiracy? A podcast?

**RUE TALKS BOLLOCKS**.

►David is Satan, change my mind.

►Jordan is an actual angel

►People can read minds.

_Tune in I guess._

I tried to defend myself, and lie. But my voice cracked like I were a middle-aged woman ready to complain to the manager. "You haven't have you?" He asked, a huge grin on his face. "You wrote a review on it" 

"I listened to the first few...I was busy vandalizing public property with you...and besides, that was enough" I said, laughing as he pretended to be offended. _Almost twitter worthy._ He his book down and I stood up slowly as he did, I backed away slowly, knowing exactly where the exit was, ever since I first arrived here. _Paranoid minds._

_Oo, that sounds like a name of a wanna be metal band that's actually a indie band...I love it. Debut single : forget and regret..._ **_oh I forgot to listen to my mates songs but I still wrote a review-_ **

Al took another step forward, a small grin, lose on his lips and honestly, it was all a bit like those cowboy stand-offs, waiting who was going to go first. _'this town ain't big enough for the two of us'._

I quickly exited the room, sprinting down the corridor, laughing like a maniac. Because yes, in real life...we'd all take the cowards way out, like a pro. 

"You'll never catch me Turner" I shouted, I didn't need to know he was chasing behind me, _**oh, now i'm running down la corridor.**_ "I've had to run after the ice cream van at least 20-" I slipped over on the wet floor, because apparently, it wasn't dry since the last time I fell over.

Al picked me up over his shoulder when he inevitably caught up with me. It was at this point in time that I realized that my petty remarks seemed to be a compensation, for the fact I had the physical presence of a fucking paper clip. "Put me down, Elvis" I tried to say seriously but failed as I was laughing to much.

"Ok" He said before dropping me, causing me to scream, Al caught me before I hit the floor. 

"You're so dead" I said between pits of laughter and I was back on my feet. 

"Oh really?" Al pressed, crossing his arms "I'm not convinced...you like me too much" There was a smug grin written on his lips. 

"Ha, wrong!" I said, tackling him to the ground...taking a small victory for my fellow midgets, before I began to tickle him. 

"Oh fuck no, revenge" He said as he laughed on his back, swaying around like my pet fish Glen did out of water, when I accidently tipped his tank reaching over it to charge my phone last year. 

While I was distracted mourning Glen, Al took his revenge by grabbing my rib cage and tickling me right back...karma. I rolled off him, laying next to him, both of us still  
laughing, with a few snorts, I'll deny later but we know happened.

He turned to face me, meeting my gaze. His hand gently pushed the lose curls of my dark hair behind my ear, causing the newly exposed cheeks to flush with pink heat. A recurring bad habit of mine. He was shining in the specs of sunlight. "I know this is a lot to ask for someone who hasn't listened to the new album-" 

"I've already told you that a feel bad about it..." I tried to protest and he laughed. "D is for dickhead apparently"

"Don't try to make up for it with earlier song references" He teased and I groaned, leaning into his shoulder. _**Now they won't stop reminding me...**_ "But since everyone else is bringing their wives, I was wondering if..." He trailed off awkwardly. 

"If I should take my wife? I think Kierra's already going" I said, laughing and he couldn't stay serious for long. "Yeah...I'll accompany you to your minor awards evening my fine fellow...as long as I get to bring Uno and Jordan" I said in an overtly fake 'Hollywood' English accent, he raised his eyebrow. "I don't want him to feel left out, he'd be upset and I love him too much to even think about that outcome...he'd be happy with press duty" 

He sighed, but smiled softly. "Sure, why not?" He said. "But you have to bring Hungry Hippos as well as Uno...it's going to be a long evening" 

"Aye, aye, captain" I said even though no one asked 'are you ready kids?'. I winced as I cringed, I. needed. to. be. put. down. 

  
_Dear David, I wrote a power ballad for you with my hypothetical band..._ **_Hey, hey David (ooh aah) I wanna know (oh ooh)_ **   
**_why you're such a cunt._ **

**_ᵃ_ ** **ᶠᵗᵉʳ ᵃ ᶠᵒᵘʳ ʰᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵉˡᵃʸ ᵈᵘᵉ ᵗᵒ ʳᵒᵃᵈʷᵒʳᵏˢ ᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵒᵗᵒʳʷᵃʸ ᶠⁱˡˡᵉᵈ ʷⁱᵗʰ ᴹᵃᵗᵗ'ˢ ʳᵒᵃᵈ ʳᵃᵍᵉ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᴴᵉʳᶜᵘˡᵉˢ ˢᵒᵘⁿᵈᵗʳᵃᶜᵏ...**

Five minutes in, and this years Brits was already going better than last time I went. David was pissed at me and Jordan for being involved in leaking the expenses sandal and not covering up the sleaze, so he made us go. It was the year the Arctic Monkeys won two awards, and I won a restraining order from Stormzy. _Even though I was a journalist and it was my job to ask questions._

I had like a vision board at this point, with the amount I've collected. 

"Ok, so either you take the award, give a one word speech and then flick a cigarette', or give a dramatic, the world's gonna end sonnet...to fit with the aesthetic of the album and _...this_ " Jordan proposed, gesturing to the four monkeys sitting around the circular table, _which the design was probably stolen from High School Music 2...I see you._

Matt grinned. "It's alright, he's already written the most dramatic poem to ever to exist...it was too long for song lyrics" He said, taking a piece of paper out of his pocket and passing it over the table, so we could both read it. 

"This feels like more of speech after the end credits of the world...like if you become a supreme overlord of the universe...I love it" I said, passing it back to Matt. Al tried to hide his content, as that didn't go with the aesthetic, but he gave up in the end, resting his head on his hand so he could give me shy, smile that made him the only thing worth the chaos. It made and broke my heart. 

"Ta...I guess, if we established world dominance, I'll keep that in mind" He said, averting his gaze away from his flushed cheeks. 

"That would actually be pretty calm..." I said, "We'd be awesome rulers, we could get rid of Thursdays. Not a fan of Thursdays, I always had the worst Timetable at school for Thursdays, every year" 

"I'd make, like a permanent soundtrack to the world...like dramatic music on the tube when people are running to work..." He said and I nodded quickly as I laughed, doing that weird thing were you hit the closest thing next to you, which this time was Katie's bag. I leaned my head on her shoulder, she rested her's on mine. 

"The strokes for any other scene of course" I added and he didn't even try to deny it. "I should make a playlist...that is if you win of course" 

His grin fell, and all heads turned towards me, like I was seven years old again and I was caught stealing again. _Smooth criminal. "_ So you don't think we're going to win..." Nick asked, amused, looking over his Uno cards. "Not only did she not listen to the album-" 

"I don't want to jinx anything..." I began, earning a few laughs, even though I was completely serious. "You're up against Little Mix...but if you do, not only will I continue to worship you Nick, I'll write you a musical" There was a few cheers and laughs.

I said that because, I really, really wanted to them to win and I knew the universe loved a bargain that would embarrass me. Not like that made any difference...their music takes all the credit, being the serenade to heaven and everything. "I'll take that" Nick said. 

"Either I've already drank too much, and need some help...or I just saw something move from your bag" Jamie said pointing to his supicion.

"Oh right...no you're not an alcoholic yet...we brought a snake" I said pulling out the snake, that Breana adopted on the way here. 

"Why?" Al Kierra asked and Al laughed.

"I thought I was the one who brought animals in randomly?" Jordan asked and we all shook our heads, looking over to Breana who put her hand under het chin as she smiled at us, proud.

Jamie placed down a pick up four card, and all smiles fell. 

With all the live performances and having to dive under the table with Jordan every time Stormzy or Ed Sheeran looked our way, I took up on the retreat to the bathroom with the other women, and almost never returned. There was a few games of trying to jump to reach the ceiling, and throwing wet tissue on the said ceiling, for entertainment purposes...tragically there was no live coverage by Graham Norton of it. 

"Alfred...definitely, he looks like an Alfred" Kelly said, seemingly having a staring contest with the snake in my hands. 

  
"Hmmm...I'm not too convinced" Breana said, "Is that the name of an alpha-male, supreme overlord snake?"

"We best be hurrying up with that baptism...Noel Gallagher's 'bout to be on, I have to see if Bowie wins" Katie's said, walking in the bathroom, hugging her handbag to her chest.

  
"What did you steal now?" Breana asked her, as apparently it was a tradition for Katie to take 'free', mainly edible souvenirs from high-profile events. 

  
"Assorted donuts...Labrinth stopped at Lidl on the way here apparently" She said, opening the box of _Krispy Kremes_ and sharing them out.

"No lie...but you're actually God...teach me your ways "I said and she laughed.

"Yes...but right after you do" She said and I tilted my head to the side, confused. "How you and Jordan managed to diffuse Al's civil war against journalists"

"Oh...right" I laughed nervously, _ha, right well the thing is, it's not that difficult, all you need are three every-day things you have at home: a short boss who likes to blackmail people, a history with gangs and the emotional stability of reaching page 250 of the Death Cure._

"It was nothing, really...we just talked..." I trailed off, _Al..._ "I don't really fancy going back there, I just want to run off and start a new life in Portugal with you lot...and Alfred"

"Sounds like a plan" Kelly agreed, and we spent the next few minutes, forming our hypothetical escape and running through the corridors, dramatically.

_Dear David: start some drama, I'm bored._

Time was constructed through the amount of Uno games we got through, which wasn't many as Al kept daydreaming and forgetting when it was his turn. It was a little difficult to pay attention whilst the announcements were taking place on the stage, and the whole room was draped in silence and anticipation...whilst we tried not to laugh.

"And the winner for the mastercard album of the year award..." It was at this point in time that I put a reminder in my notes section to petition for a drum roll in the next brit awards...as none of us noticed what was happening. "Is..."

"YES!!!" Jordan shouted loudly, standing up "UNO! I WIN! THAT'S A FIVER HELDERS!" He slammed his final red card down on the top of the pile and through his hands in the air as Matt groaned and Nick threw his cards across the table in defeat. Al still wasn't paying attention. All eyes were fixated on us, and Jordan sat back down awkwardly, missing his seat and sitting on Jamie's lap. 

"The Arctic Monkeys!" The announcer lady said, I'm pretty sure there was a name for that...but there was also a lot of free drinks on our table. After that cue, the opening beats to _'Do I Wanna Know?'_ began to play, and the lads switched from laughs to _'i don't give a fuck'_ persona, as quickly as switching outfits on a Wii game. They adjusted their outfits and politely moved Jordan out of their way, before making the awkward journey, towards the stage to receive the award. 

Al was hesitant at first, doing that thing he does whenever he's nervous, fiddling with hands and anything he could grip on, but he was good at hiding it. He waited for the crowd to die down a little before he spoke : "Thank you. That rock'n'roll, eh? ....That rock'n'roll, it just won't go away..."

My phone that was resting on my thighs began to vibrate...haha, very funny. I picked it up, trying to turn it off but it wouldn't stop. "...It might hibernate from time to time and sink back into the swamp." I tried to subtly check the phone, five missed calls from _DO NOT ANSWER!!!_

But that wasn't what had caught my attention, instead a notification from BBC News. "I think the cyclical nature of the universe in which it exists demands it adheres to some of its rules"

The world stopped moving when I read the headline: **_POSSIBLE LEAK FROM THE CONTRAVERSIAL JOURNALIST FIRM: Last night the personal files of the daily standard were hacked into sources say, and a possible leak could seen in the near future. There is to be an inq-_**

OH. FUCK!!!!!!!!

I looked back up to Jordan gravely, and his expression mirrored my own. "But it's always waiting there, just around the corner, ready to make its way back through the sludge and smash through the glass ceiling, looking better than ever..." I stood up as subtly as I could, trying to navigate myself through the tables as my phone continued to vibrate, until I was safe and alone in the nearest corridor, Jordan not far behind. _"Yeah, that rock'n'roll, it seems like it's fading away sometimes, but it will never die. And there's nothing you can do about it"_

"David was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pacts with you" I said, as I answered the phone, trying to steady my voice as we stormed through the corridor. I tried to stay calm even though I was on the verge of punching something...without any previous knowledge of knowing how.

"I'm as shocked about this as you are..." He tried and I bit my tongue, looking back to Jordan, who was trying to charade me some insults to give him. 

"Yes, you sound shocked you armature cock flannel...wait sorry..." I squinted at Jordan who tried to re in act his action "We all told you to increase the budget for cyber security, but no it had to go to your fucking holiday to Tahiti..."

"Spain-" He tried to protest. 

I rolled my eyes "It doesn't fucking matter...some fucklustrious muppet has opened Pandora's fucking box...and we're all going to go down. David there is going to be a fucking inquiry...if there is a leak...it's not going to be summat we going to be able to see from space, it's going to be space. It'll be the end of everything... Marvel will call me for the fucking film rights!"

"I'm aware you fucking bender, that's what I'm trying to find out...someone has hacked into our files from the inside, the entire company will be in shatters, and we'll all be going to fucking prison for a very long time, if the public find out" He shouted back at me and I scowled. " _Thank you very much for this. I do truly appreciate it. Don't take that the wrong way and invoice me for the microphone if you need to."_

Jordan took the phone from my hand "Why you kept all our criminal activity and illegal shit on one hardrive I will never know, why did you even keep a record of it? David calm down, breathe, have a cup of tea, and then call a meeting and we'll discuss this as a company before we get an inquiry by parliament. No need for a meltdown" He said calmly, before hanging up the phone, he gave himself two seconds before. "We're all going to fucking die...I can't got to prison Rue, I can't grow the facial hair. Worse part is, the MPs are going to love this, can finally get back at us for the expenses sandal"

"Or not...I think I know who did it, someone who wanted to get a load of incriminating evidence on David..." I began and Jordan sighed. 

"Your sister...I'm guessing she doesn't know what sort of shit he's made us do" He concluded and I nodded "I'll talk to her..."

"We should do this together from now on though. No more giving you lot free rein to take down David...not when my sister ends up accidently destroying all print media" I said "We'll all work together to bring David down...technically if there is a leak David won't be a problem any more, and I wouldn't have to do this to Al...but both of us would end up in prison with him. No one wins"

"Fair...we'll work together, that'll mean if all does go to fail at least we'll get a laff out of it...team work...that doesn't mean I'll have to sleep with Turner does it?" He asked and I rolled my eyes, before laughing and resting my head on his shoulder.

"Don't think so...bit busy at the moment" Al said, from behind us, his hands in his pocket.

"Yeah...now that I've made it weird, I'm just gonna...like, make my exit" Jordan said, abandoning him and I made a mental note to inform him that he was no longer in my team when the Zombie apocalypse occurs. Al seemed amused at all of this.

"Everything all right?" He asked and I nodded, a little too quickly, hitting my head on the wall. "You sure?"

"Yeah, everything's fine..." I lied. _there's going to be an inquiry in our firm...this could be the end of everything._ "Anyway...you won, that's actually amazing..."

"Eh, it was nothing" He said with a bored expression, and I gave him a small nudge and he grinned. "I'm actually shaking inside...did you see my mic drop? I was so nervous I just had no idea what to do" He spoke at about five hundred miles per hour.

I smiled, wrapping my arms around him and he held me close. "I can't believe I missed that...some sound engineer's just seething with rage in the pit, like hoping you don't win next time" I said and he laughed. "Personally I think there should've been a reward just for the song I Want It All..."

"You've been making progress? It doesn't matter, really... I don't mind" He said laughing and I groaned loudly, falling into his arms dramatically, resting my head in his shoulder.

"I still feel bad...could say I feel like I need a balaclava to hide my embarass-" I tried and he rolled his eyes.

"Alright...we're all going off to some party with all the other artists here, because...we all get along alright I reckon" He suggested and I raised my eyebrow "..Rita Ora's gonna be there"

"You should've started with that" I said.

_Dear David: Trying to stay calm whilst internally crying is my new expert life skill...should I sign up for skill share? Maybe I'll stop getting ads from them._   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵖᵃˢˢⁱᵛᵉ ᵃᵍᵍʳᵉˢˢⁱᵛᵉ ᵉᵐᵃⁱˡˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

In a strange turn of events in my life, I was at a point when I couldn't drink anything...I was too stressed. _Uno reverse._

_It's fine, it's fine, just breathe._ My fingers neverously tapped on my legs. _Just breathe, it isn't real, just breath-_

"Ok, so here's the plan so far...I throw a glass across the room, we get Rita Ora's attention and you can talk with her about-" Al began, joining me, with a stella. "Hey are you alright?" He asked, pulling me out from my mind, I nodded, mumbling some shit reinsurance, he held my shaking hand in his to indicate that he wasn't convinced. 

"I'm just tired..." I said quietly, he raised his eyebrow. "You hog the duvet" 

"I don't..." He nudged me, and I gave him a knowing smile. "I get cold" 

"And you transfer that cold onto me....wait" I said, almoat dropping the glass in my hand "Call 999, I think I'm having a heart attack..it's Juilian Casablancas" I managed to say between deep breaths, shaking his arm, I think he squeaked...like a lil kids toy. "Quick, how is my hair?"

I turned to face him and he untucked the strands of hair from behind my ears, "Because you complain you look like a monkey when you do that...which is shame, we need a fifth member" He said, and I smiled. "How's mine?"

I ran my fingers through his quiff, ensuring it was a little more tidy. "There" I said, looking back at Juilian who had began to walk over to us. "Oh here, he comes...quick act normal" I said nervously and we both nudged each other several times before he arrived. 

"Hey" He said, in a friendly manner, to us that nearly made me explode. "How's it going, good to see you again" He shook Al's hand, which only caused him to squeeze mine tighter with his other one. 

He gave me this urge to become an American author that feels the need to over explify and highlight the fact that someone has a British accent...even though they don't know what Leicester is and do the same for Juilain's voice. Because honey... _his american accent was hoarse and smoky...from the ash of the cigarette he burned not long ago-_

"Fine" Al managed to say. Juilain's eyes trailed down to me. I'm not _that_ short.

"And this is your...girlfriend?" He asked, with a limited curiousity. 

"No" I said, a little too quickly and Al's smile fell. I cleared my throat. "I'm not currently linking anyone or anything like that..." I said and about three-hundred miles per hour , really reminding me of some of those Youtube videos. _..Rue, but everytime she speaks she speeds up by 15%._

"Oh, alright" He said with a polite smile, "Nice seeing you two...". 

"Bye" We both said at seperate times and on multiple occasions. 

Al turned to me. "Smooth" Was all he said and when I started laughing, I tell you, I couldn't stop. "I don't believe you...just wanted to shag Juilian...typical" He added, placing his hands on his hips. "Understandable...but still..." 

_Maybe I just don't want any of this to be real, maybe I just don't want David to win._

"At least I can say he's the fittest lad I've been rejected by..." I said and he didn't even laugh. I cleared my throat awkwardly. "But that doesn't really matter...cause like, Katie taught me some sleuth skills and...after everything I guess you're my go to partner in crime" 

"We're going to go and steal mini sausage rolls aren't we?" He asked and I grinned, he laughed allowing me to drag him by the hand over to the target food. 

Turns out, Al actually benefited by being associated with a journalist, as it meant he was left alone by practically everyone. The impact. 

"No, yours is mediocre in comparison" He said, as we hid in yet another corner of the party, eating blue bon bons. "Just accept second place" 

"Never" I said, sticking my blue tongue out at him. He ate another bon bon and then stuck his out, and licked my cheek, _and I'm the petty one._ "Ewwwwwwwwwww" I complained and he laughed as I wiped the blue of my cheek. "Ughhhh, muppet" He laughed even more, knocking into me a little, I almost caught him. _Disgustannng_

Like I said, I didn't drink that night, he did. I had seen a lot of him over the past month and a bit, his sadness, his happiness, his lust, his regrets...but I'd never seen him pissed and it was worrying me. 

"You're acting like a little kid..." He began as we both sat down on the bottom of the stairs, he finished another bottle of stella and I just stared at him as he got another. "Why are you never serious about anything?" And for a moment, he genuienly sounded annoyed at me. _Alcohol._

"I can be serious..."I began and he raised his eyebrow "Ok, then serious question why do you think Juilian really holds all these parties? Even though no one really likes or knows each other here" I asked and I felt him shuffle a little closer.

"What do you think it's like a Gatsby situation?There's a huge secret rather than he's just a nice guy?" Al asked. 

"I wonder who his Nick is" I said, looking around him at the dissolution of coloured blurs.

"You mean his Daisy?" Al corrected me and I couldn't stop myself from laughing.

"Have you read the book?" I asked.

"Yes...I was and arguably still am an English whore" He said. _I guess that was one way of saying that he read the dictionary for breakfast._ A few blokes were having a bit of scrap and one ended up tripping near me, knocking the bowl of mini sausage rolls out of my lap. Blasphemy. "Should we..." 

"Yeah" I agreed and he took me by the hand and we escaped up to the stairs.

"What if we really did it?" He asked as we finally fell through an empty room, a library...maybe I should marry a rich man, judt for a library and a piano. 

"What?" I asked, my fingers brushing past the spines of the book cases that divided us. 

"Just ran away from it all..." He said, dramatically almost falling back into the bookshelves. I laughed. "From everything"

"Tempting" I said with smile, seperating the books infront of me, so I could rest my hands on chin on the shelf between us. "But, someone told me running away from your problems won't get rid of them...they'll always be there" 

"But what if someone else told me that, the only way to ever live with yourself, to breathe was to forget everything that isn't...now" He replied, leaning closer to me. And there we were, we could never be the same, always conflicted. We were who we were, but we crossed paths and took each others fears, flaws, thoughts until we were looking at a mirror at who we were at the beginning, who we used to be. 

He took my reckless wonder, to follow the world only by moments to move on from the past and leave it behind. To run away from the heartbreak, the pain. I took his devolved intosception of the world, to pinpoint every pain until I could figure out a way to get out of it. _That I still hadn't done._

"It wouldn't matter...everything would be the same, we'd be the same anywhere" I said _anywhere away from David._

His lips fell comfortably on mine, grip firm on my waist, the pressure dripping pools of drunken electricty beneath my skin.

Time had broken. Seconds were days, were years, were the breaths that caught between our lips and the bite of Al's fingernails against my palms, the scrape of teeth against my lower lip and the warm slide of a tongue against mine. We kissed like this was the last time we ever would, like the world stopped and started with his lips.

  
I didn't know it at the time, but Al was starting to fall deep. And that was the start and end of everything. 

I rested my head against his, the only sound still echoing through the world being the sound of our heartbeats...and then the sound of a glass smashing to the floor behind us.

I quickly turned around, Jordan's face at first passing through me with indifference, shock..and then disappointment. Why he had decided to suddenly take a trek to the library I would never know, but he turned around and disappeared as quickly as he came.

"Oh fuck..." I mumbled under my breath. 

"Wait, you didn't tell him?" Al asked, a look of hurt that replied to my apologetic one. I quickly went after Jordan, as best as I could whilst carrying a bowl of sausage rolls.

_You thimk I was gonna leave them behind? I'm not that evil._

There was only other time that I fucked up enough to piss off Jordan...a time that David holds against me and Al's heart. If you piss off Jordan, you know you've fucked up.

"Jordan...come on" I said, trying to catch up with him. "I'm sorry, please...don't be mad. I should've told you" He stopped. 

"What? I'm not mad" He said simply, surprisingly content "I just didn't want to ruin anything...but...you lied to me Rue, you know how I feel about lying. You're suppose to be the only one who doesn't lie to me" 

I sighed heavily. "I just didn't want it to be real. I shouldn't of lied...but, now, I guess..." I mumbled. "He's not in love with me" I assured him.

"We still have a little while...what are we on...?" He asked, opening his countdown app on his phone. "Ten days...we still have time to fix this Rue, David isn't going to win. I was never mad, I'm not really sure I could be. " 

I nodded wrapping my arms around him. "I still shouldn't of lied, not to you, we're a team..." I began and he smirked.

"He pushes ome of us, we both take him down with us" He said with a grin. 

_Dear David: ten days...ten days._

Even with all of that, I didn't drink that night, I didn't try to hide from the conflict within me, for once, I was letting myself feel it, feel him. He didn't, something was bothering him, and he'd drink some more to hide it from me, to hide from it. 

"Ok, Al...you might want to slow down" I began, as he finished another stella, his balance away with the rest.He shook his head, struggling to stand up right. "Come on Al, let's just get you home, yeah?" He put the can down, to give me a look of disapproval. 

"What, so you can only kiss me when no one's looking?" He asked, struggling slightly to form his words, but even without that, it still made zero sense to me. "When we're alone?"

"What?" I asked, holding onto his arm to steady his arm, eventually letting it drape around my shoulders.

"You lied to Jordan and Juilian...you act like nothing is happening between us, like this means nothing, like it won't last" He said and I frowned. _Where did this come from? Oh yes...the consequences of drinking._ "I don't even know what I am to you Rue, all I know is I'm just something you like to mess around with me, you're just going to use me and hurt me like everyone has" _oh fuck._

"Come on Al...let's just get going, you know that's not true" I tried to reason but it wasn't ingrained in his drunken state. 

"How? How do I know that's true?"Was what I think he said, what I managed to unscrabble. "How do I know any of this is real?" 

_It isn't_. 

His gaze pooled in mine and there was a heartbeat between us, before I leaned forward and kissed him then and there, cupping his face. In front of the high artists and the undercover journalists, catering legends. 

Nothing mattered, our souls collided within that kiss, and everything around us crashed and burned. "You don't..." I said simply. "That's why we can be whatever we want...just have a little faith" 

Maybe that would've been a sentimental moment, if he hadn't turned to side and vomited all over the floor..."Lovely" I muttered, before I helped to evacuate the diaster in leather before any more problems occurred  
  
  


**ᵗʷᵉⁿᵗʸ ᵐⁱⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ ˡᵒⁿᵍᵉʳ ᵗʰᵃⁿ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ⁱᵗ ˢʰᵒᵘˡᵈ'ᵛᵉ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᵗᵒ ʷᵃˡᵏ ᵈᵒʷⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵒᵃᵈ, ᵖᵉʳʰᵃᵖˢ ᵐʸ ᶜʳⁱᵖᵖˡⁱⁿᵍ ᵃˡᶜʰᵒˡⁱˢᵐ ᵐᵃʸ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵇᵉᵉⁿ ᵖʳᵒᵇˡᵉᵐᵃᵗⁱᶜ ᵗᵒ ᵐʸ ᵖᵉᵉʳˢ ᵖʳⁱᵒʳ ᵗᵒ ᵗʰⁱˢ...**

"I'm not even joking, one time we were all having a laff out with some mates back at school and Cookeh had accidently hit the fire alarm and..." He trailed off, blinking a couple of times. Pissed Al was somehow less wkth it than high Al. "...wow I've just realized I have the greatest friends in the world, not even having a laff, proper serious, the best humam beings in the world, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Can I marry all of them?" 

I laughed, stopping him from falling into a bush. "The only thing that will save the world right now would be that polygamous relationship. Alright big step" I added and he raised his leg dramatically. 

His smile was more content than ever before. "You really are a wonder Rue" He said fondly. "Sometimes I wish you weren't everything, that I wasn't so infatuated with you all the time. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much..." 

"Another step" I said, holding his hand to guide him. I sighed heavily, turning to face hi. and resting my hands on his shoulders. We walked through the hotel lobby, making are way in the lifts.

"I don't want to hurt you...please, always know that, I never wanted to, even before I met you I never had the choi-" I cleared my throat. "Why do I make you feel this why Al? If I do...I don't want to, I shouldn't, that isn't ok. I don't want you to think that, that I'm just using you. I don't know how to tell you that it's not true. Why do I do that to you?" The lift doors open, we made pur way down the corridor and he didn't speak until we were back into his hotel room. 

"Because..." He began "Everyone does...everyone gives me up for summat else. Everyone else wants summat" 

I gave him a small smile. "I never really wanted much...there's nothing you can give me. What could I use you for?" I said "You said you were nothing, the only thing I want from you...is for you to not let your thoughts hurt you the way you're worried I will. All I know is that every minute, moment, every beat of my heart is winded with you. I see you, I feel you and all the stars fade away, every fear, every thought within me and the rest of the world give way to you...and maybe I do use you, to breathe, to feel real" 

_Dear David, I am the guilt._

He wasn't sick this time. All of his fears diluted momentarily. 

_I am the sin._

"You may be the only thing that feels real" He whispered, without his words drooping or stumbling. "You make every moment idiosyncratic" 

_The selfish._

My heart stopped beating and gave itself to him, long before I knew, or let it. When time had collapsed itself before, when I couldn't distinguish between each day and I hated the nothing that followed it, seeped and numbed my mind, my soul. Hated the way it sunk me further and further. I risked everything to get rid of it, to feel something.

_The_ _weak_

Now I felt everything in the nothing as his broken lips floated across my skin, displacing the heat towards my scar on my shoulder, following the devious journey of his soft lips in a hot precession.

Each day, moment with him I could differentiate, words, breaths, heartbeats were all divergent beneath my closed eyes. When days used to be blended into one, were seperate and ever deadly. 

HA ANOTHER SONG REFERENCE. I am not petty. 

_The inconsistent_

His lips grazed my jaw, and down to my neck. I exhaled heavily as I leaned back into the wall, my eyes fluttering to a close as everything dripped in electric flames. Before I breathed, my lips were caught in his. 

_The_ _deceiver_

His arms made themselves comfortable around my waist, a spark to the gasoline inside of me, causing the world to melt under the touch. The closure didn’t let me see darkness, it instead created colours of fondness. He kissed me the same way the night kissed the day, dragging pure darkness across my skin, the only way I could ever feel stars. 

_The_ _cunning._

A faint, shaken gasp escaped through the air, as the heat displaced from him towards the scruff of my thigh. _Well fuck._ "Al..." I began, and he hummed in response, lips grazing my jaw. "Al" I said again, cupping his face, hoping my sober gaze was dilute into his. "You're pissed...you don't know what you want, not like this. Just...just get some sleep" 

He nodded, stumbling back onto Matt's bed, balance absent without leaning onto me. "Please stay..." He mumbled, his face muffled by a pillow. 

_The bad idea._

I let his arms weave around my waist and my body fall next to him. I turned to face him, unable to turn back. The daydream dressed as a disaster. It was only in this haze, did I let myself fall deep into the pools of burnt firewood, that was his gaze, the remaing depths of a bonfire. Different hues of soft brown that melted together so smoothly into one bursh stroke, a colour that would take hours of mixing paints for me to achieve.

A golden shimmer, etched the surface of his gaze like an old copper penny being examined in the warmth next to powerful flames that were licking the safety glass door of an old fireplace. 

_The taint_

Surving flames burned beneath his soft glance, scintillated with a mischievous glint , a melancholic veil. And only with that haze did my mind speak for me, without my permission. "You're beautiful" I breathed, brushing a lose strand of his hair away from his eyes.

  
Air left him, and the way he looked at me...made those words seem like until then, unheard of. "...I've never...no one's ever..." He stumbled over his words. "No one's ever told me that" Accept his social media shrines. 

He hesistated. "You're scared..." He whispered soflty. "I don't want to scare you, or hurt you ever...I know I always put my problems on you and I know you don't look back...but you can tell me, you can tell me what haunts you...." I closed my eyes. "Why you want to hide...whatever it is..."

' _You did this, you did this to me!!!'_

Breathe.

_'Do it, I dare you.'_

Just breathe.

_'What if we're already dead?'_

"I'm sober...and it all feels euphoric" I lowered my voice. "And I don't want it to be"

"Why not?" He asked carefully.

_'Or everyone will know what you did'_

"Because anything that's ever good never lasts forever" I mumbled "Nothing lasts forever" 

He sighed. "It doesn't have to, but you don't always have to let things unfold, you're with me now, and that's enough for me. This feeling won't last forever...it'll only change with us, and we'll still be able to feel it, no.matter how long _this_ , between us lasts, we'll still have now... forever" He whispered, hesistant.

Several moments passed. "I've moved on from.thinking ahead but...just, promise me one thing...promise me you'll never leave me....alone" He mumnled anxiously.

 _Broken before made_. Reality burns when sober.

"If you run away, run to or from your job, establish world dominance or even get a dog. But whatever happens, how ever much I deny it...please don't let me be lonely" He begged. "Just tell me if I'm hiding from the world in my own thoughts, or Matt or anyone really...I'll fade"

"And I know that's a lot to ask, and you don't even have to stay with me now and..." He rambled, panicking and I wrapped my arms around him quickly. Hos touch softened in mine. "I'm sorry...I just really, I don't even know what's happening between us"

I cupped his cheek. "Nothing...that's why it can be anything and everything. I know you're scared, I know you don't want your heartbroken..not again. I don't want that, I don't want to hurt you, I really don't. We don't have to...we don't have to be, anything, we can just be..." 

_The heartbreak_

...us"   
  
  
  
  


_The numb_   
  
  
  
  



	28. Vines That Watered My Crops, Cleared My Skin & Cured My Depression

  
  


**I PUT MY HAND THERE** , hold it  
I'ma be right by ya  
⤷𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓻𝓶𝔃𝔂

_9 days remaining._

★*:･ﾟ𝕽ight, listen up fuckers, 'cause this next part of the story gets really fucking embarrassing. Pull up a chair, get comfy and please don't laugh at me.

  
The small boardroom was packed with a wild pack of angry journalists, throwing insults, blame and sometimes small stationary at each other.

"I ONLY BLACKMAILED FOUR MPS!" Gary's southern voice was one of the loudest over the screaming match. Who, despite being a journalist in the corrupt field himself...still believed everything he read on the Daily Mail. "AND I ONLY FIXED SIX COKE RINGS. TERRY SOLD PUBLIC RECORDS TO PIERS MORGAN!"

"YEAH WELL AT LEAST I NEVER TOOK DRUGS AND CASH FROM BRADFORD GANGS!" Terry, our sports editor, who couldn't even walk up the stairs, shouted aggressively.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU LOT...?...THE MONEY WAS ONLY RESTING, RESTING IN MY ACCOUNT" Jordan defended himself. "AND I ONLY SLEPT WITH THREE OF THEM...UNLIKE EVAN!"

"YEAH AND THAT NUMBER NEVER WENT UP...UNLESS YOU GOT THAT PROMOTION FROM DAVID ANOTHER WAY" Evan, the...I'm not to sure what he did, Evan the irrelevant shouted. Jordan glared at him before throwing a stapler at his head.

I took my phone out "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" I shouted as I recorded the Office Supply Battle Royale in front of me.

"WHAT ABOUT RUE?" Mr Daily Mail asked and I lowered my phone. "SHE'S BROKE MORE INTERNATIONAL LAWS THAN THE REST OF US, SHE'D STILL BE STUCK IN AMERICA IF WE DIDN'T GET HER OUT! SHE'S FUCKED US OVER THE MOST! IT WAS PROBABLY HER WHO DID THIS!"

_Close enough._

"Now let's not make any irrational conclusions..." David began, quickly, he nudged me and I took the airhorn out of my bag and used it to shut everyone up...yes I always carry that, you never know.

"YOU ONLY WANTED US TO SHUT UP WHEN WE ACCUSED RUE, BECAUSE SHE'S THE ONLY ONE YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING CARE ABOUT HERE" The irrelevant said. _Define care, when was the last time that involved blackmail?_

"I've never been more offended in my life" David said.

" _You_ haven't?" I pressed and he rolled his eyes.

"We just need to find someone to take the blame, so the whole fucking company doesn't get bollocked" He said, calmly, which was newly acquired emotion, _his alien species was learning._

"I vote Terry " Jordan said "...he's ginger" Everyone formed some form of agreement.

"Yeah that's why I wouldn't last a fucking day in prison isn't it?" He said. "Not like you would...you're lot all seem to end up there, family reunion?" Jordan threw a sharpener at him.

It all went off again and everyone was screaming at each other, throwing stationary and taking sides behind desks as we did so. I just stood on the sidelines, throwing pieces of BlueTack

"I VOLUNTEER DYLAN FOR TRIBUTE...HE VOTED LIB DEM!" I shouted "After the coalition" The mob turned against him, sharpening their pitch folks.

And with that,Al had arrived, just standing in the doorframe. He cleared his throat, and we all stopped our massacre.

"Erm...yeah...journalism" I said, giving David a quick glance who nodded. I climbed over the tables and quickly left the building with a confused Al, earning shouts behind me.

"Good timing I was just coming up with our crime-fighting theme tune. So far I've got chilled strings and a pan flute when it's me and then you come on with some heavy, Darth Vader-ish trumpets" I said, walking beside him quickly and he laughed.

"Why am I the trumpets?" He asked.

"Because you stomp when you walk...sorry to be the one to tell you" I said simply and he nudge me softly. "Thanks from saving me from WW3...but what's the occasion? Are we going on a mission? Do I need to bring me night vision goggles and utilitary belt?"

"Not this time" He said with a grin. "I just wanted to see you...and apologise I guess, for last night, I guess I was a bit of a handful" He rubbed the back of his neck, embarassed.

I stopped walking, turning to face him. I rested my hands on his shoulders. "You don't have to apologise...it was fine, you were fine. You're never a burden, or even an inconvience Al" I said and his ears burned. "Plus, I'm not going to complain about you telling me how amazing I am..." I began and he groaned.

"Oh no..." He cried dramatically.

"You said I was infatuating, pretty...and an inspiration to all of humanity" I said and he raised an eyebrow. "Ok, I made the latter up"

"Here, I got you summat else as well" He sad passing me a paper bag which had a single chocolate muffin inside of it.

"I love you so much" I said immediately.

"What?" His voice cracked "Well...and you were talking to the muffin weren't you?" He said and I nodded my cheeks stuffed with chocolate. "You really are just evil aren't you?"

I nodded "Ain't _muffin_ you can do about it" I said by mouth muffled with food. He smiled to himself, looking down momentarily. His hand captured mine.

"I saw the BBC article...I know your lot are in trouble..." He began and I sighed.

"Don't worry about it, really, I'm a journalist...invincible" I lied and he hesistated, but figured it was better to drop it.

 _9 days._ My chest tightened. _9 days._ "Fuck it..." I mumbled beneath my breath.

"Huh?" He asked, and I shook my head.

"Fuck it...fuck everything" I said loudly. "Fuck David, fuck all this shit...it's offical, I'm running away and changing me name again"

He grinned, but then his lips fell. "Wait...are you being serious?" He asked and I held onto the sleeves of the coat he bought me.

"Yeah, 'course. You, me and wherever Nick's car takes us" I said and he smiled, one of those rare smiles, one that held the stars and anything else I may of felt towards anything else. The lust, the pain, the heartbreak, the euphoria.

"Are you inviting me to run away into the sunset with you Rue Marsh?" Al asked and I smirked, sway softly, with his hand in mine.

"Depends, is that a yes?" I asked and he squeezed my hand.

"As long as we never return" He said, and we ran down the street, into the chaos of a new dream.

_Dear David, I wish I could explain how much I wanted to promise him we never would._  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It wasn't often the universe let me out on the roads, let alone the drivers seat, but when it did, I treated the roads like fucking Rainbow Road.

The screams were drowned out as Nick's car weaving dangerously across the empty lanes, half blinded by glare of headlights, I cheered loudly as I swerved the car into several donuts, hitting the side of the railway.

"This isn't supposed to be a game of bumper cars" Al said, as I almost hit another car, holding onto the steering wheel and swerving the car into the left lane.

I laughed. "Oh really? Then what else are we suppose to do for the car journey?" I asked and he smirked, letting go of the steering wheel. I spent the next half of the journey mooing at any cow I saw, which was entertaining enough for me.

"Can we listen to summat else?" Al asked, gesturing to the radio and I gasped dramatically.

"Alex Turner are you telling me you don't like grime?" I asked, and he gave me an unamused look. "Stormzy basically re-wrote the national anthem!" _Like I knew the original._

"There's nothing there, I don't get it...everyone loves it so much" He teased, winding me up all the time was becoming a predicable motive of his.

"Yeah because _you're_ the man to go to when it comes to music..." I said and he raised his eyebrow. "Wait..." He laughed and I groaned. "Don't even...I'm tired...and I didn't realize you weren't like other girls Al"

"Haha..." He said "At least you didn't use any of Jameh's CDs, especially not the Ed Sheeran ones that 'mysteriously appeared' in the door"

"I kid you not, worse nightmare is if we crash the fucking car now and the police find the Ed Sheeran CDs amongst our corpses...and they play them at our fucking funeral or summat" I said and he laughed, purposefully tipping the wheel so the car would swerve suddenly, giving half a heart attack.

"It wouldn't even be the first time I died..." He said "And don't worry, it's not like we're going to-" There was a sudden thud that hit the bonnet of the car. "And we hit someone. We hit someone?? We hit someone! Shit!"

**ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ⁱⁿᶜᵒʳʰᵉʳᵉⁿᵗ ˢᶜʳᵉᵃᵐˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

  
Within the darkness that slipped through the sheets of the light, the slightly tattered car survived long enough to make it through the tunnels near Bradford, the ones that make your eardrums feel weird and when I leaned my head out the window, my cheers sounded like I was shouting into a fan.

I tried to stand up and Al leaned over to take control of the steering wheel. I pushed open the sunroof, and stood up right, ignoring the wind that pushed my hair in my eyes, and leaned back a bit, before I danced a little to Vossi Bop, I mean, David Bowie wasn't playing on the radio, so may Perks Of Being A Wallflower moment wasn't perfect...but I feel like Stormzy would be used for the inevitable shit reboot.

All the noise displaced anything that fell between my lips, the idea was, when you live under the eye of crime, you would've done some fucked up things, so we always found a moment behind all the lies and just for once, told the truth, on the outside, the only place we could. "I SMASHED THE TELLY IN ME HOTEL ROOM AFTER A GAME OF WII BOWLING WITH MATT!" _Turns out the wrist string is actually practical and not an accessory._

I sat back down on my seat, "It's like a DIY confessions box, but for delinquents" I explained and he let go of the steering wheel.

A smile slipped through his lips, something that occurred often nowadays. "Oh you can't just tell me that..." He stood up and almost hit his head on the ceiling, until he was in the open confession box. He hesitated for a moment, "I WAS THE ONE WHO REPLACED THE STRINGS ON COOKEH'S GUITAR WITH ELASTIC BANDS AND BLAMED IT ON RUE!"

"I knew it" I mumbled to myself "Nick owes me a fucking statue at this point"

There was another pause, "I was wrong..." He began "I blamed everything but myself for the pain I felt, kruined so many people's jobs...I was wrong about someone I met and instead of admitting it...I kept finding shit excuses to annoy them, just to try and prove they were evil, even starting a war against the media to try and get them to fuck off or lose their job, and they never did, and I kept trying until I realize, I didn't want them to leave, ever... I ALSO BROKE THE PRINTER THIS MORNING!"

He sat back down, looking out the window awkwardly, when he realized what he said, my eyes couldn't detach themselves from him, which was a problem as I was fucking driving. "I can't believe you broke the printer..." I said, nothing, I sighed "I was wrong..." I admitted, that got his attention,

"I said I make my own conclusions, and I did, I thought you would never let things go, and you had grown completely out of touch with the rest of the world. But I was wrong, so much so that when I'm around you I forget, I forget who you are to everyone else and how in nine days you'll fuck off to Nottingham and the rest of your tour. I was wrong, I thought that I wouldn't care about what happens next and that I wouldn't..."

I cleared my throat "That I would never fall into any intimacy that I wouldn't run from, or even want to think about what's after...but I do, and I know, that nothing lasts forever, but for once...I wish it did"

"...Maybe, it will" He mumbled quietly and I wanted to crash the car. _Fucking David._

I leaned across the seats and cupped his cheeks as I kissed him, his lips were soft with a faint trace of ash from smoking with enough friction to create a heartbeat between us. _It was affection, just to feel something,_ I kept telling myself, _this isn't what I want, this isn't real._

I fell back to my seat when the car almost crashed again, swerving us quickly to safety. We both took a moment to catch our breath from yet another close heart attack, before laughing. "Does this mean you're not stuck in the past anymore?" I asked.

"Only if it means you're no longer running from it" He said and with that, we left the tunnel, towards something rather than away.

**ˢᵘʳᵛⁱᵛⁱⁿᵍ ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ˢʰⁱᵗ ʳᵉᵐⁱˣᵉˢ ⁱⁿ ᵒᶠ ᵈᵉᶜᵉⁿᵗ ˢᵒⁿᵍˢ ᵒⁿ ᶜᵃᵖⁱᵗᵃˡ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

It turns out, there are no ice cream vans open at 11:30pm, so if any of you are looking for an original business idea, jump on that. Instead, we sat on the bonnet of Nick's car with tubs of ice cream and any sweets we could buy at the service stations. 

  
"Pass me the hundreds and thousands" Al said, I passed it to him and he added it to our architectural nightmare of an ice cream sundae "I wonder if they'll stick to the pink waffers"

"Ooo, a dangerous experiment" I said.

"Well...not only are we establishing world dominance...we're also, scientists" He said, trying to balance a few Party Rings on the top, and resting a pair of glasses on his nose.

"Yes...yes, we are" I said, taking a pair of Jordan's reading glasses that I kept safe, because he always lost his. "I didn't know you wore glasses..."

"I don't these are Matt's, I stole them, because apparently I look like David Tennant..." He said and I leaned forward, tilting my head to the side. "I don't see it"

"You would make a pretty fine Doctor though...after me of course" I said and he laughed, I sat back. My eyes started to water. "Oh fuck this, Jordan is blind" I took the glasses off quickly.

"So is Matt..." He said, taking his off, and blinking a few times. "It's offical...they'll only slow us down, we'd have to abandon them during the Zombie Apocolapsye"

"But who else will be the comedic outlet?" I said "I've thought this through...no one gets left behind if we aqquire a helicopter..." He shook his head.

" _I Am legend_ , Will Smith?" Al said and I sighed, defeated. "Wouldn't work"

"Shaun of the Dead? We need a pub" I said, taking a spoonful of the ice cream. "...oh fuck, it's cold" I tried to say and he laughed as I struggled with my ice cream battle.

"What did you expect?" He laughed and I rolled my eyes, regretting so many things.

The numbers on my watch fell forward swiftly, until we fell back, hours later, staring up at the stars in the sky as we lay on the bonnet of Nick's car. I fell through the lust of drugs again, just to numb my mind from the conflict that was Alex Turner.

"What about that one?" I asked, pointing up towards the stars in the sky. "That one definitly looks like a duck"

"Oh yeah..." He said, tilting his head. "But with like a massive dick"

"Don't be jealous" I said, taking a drag out of the fag between my fingertips. He nudged my arm, laughing a little.

He leaned in and pressed his lips against mine, and I couldn't help but smile wothin his touch. "What?" He asked and I shook my head.

"Nothing..." I said, he gave me a suspicous look as I crushed some more vicodin tablets, he opened his hand and I shook my head. "Nah, they're bad for you"

"Hmmm, but not for you?" He teased and I smirked.

"Oh it's already too late for me, I'm basically already dead" I said and he laughed softly. "And I have to look out for you...it's my job"

"Oh really?" He teased.

"Yeah, that's why I'm doing this. Your mam put an advert, saying you needed a support person, because you're always getting into trouble, and a bit of dick...pays good" I said with a smirk, wrapping my arms around his neck. He rested his forehead against mine. "...and I were like...fuck he's fit...might as well" I teased and he laughed, kissing me softly.

"What about your mam?" He asked and my smile fell. "Does she know that I can't make our next band rehersal...I'm busy" I laughed. "Although,the band needs more members...so I'm yet to meet your Dad"

"So am I" I said and his smile fell.

"Oh shit, sorry" He said embarassed and I waved it off quickly with my hand.

"Nah, it's calm, he was alright apparently, but couldn't get a job and me mam couldn't afford to feed us all...so..." I said, whistling to indicate. "...but don't take that as reason to explain why I'm a scally, me mam was good enough,yeah?"

"Course, we're besties" He said, "...Think she'd like me? Over Michael of course as I'm still sensitive about that"

I laughed, for a solid ten minutes, and he blinked in confusion. "Wait...are you serious?"I asked and he nodded slowly. "oh...well...she'd like you as a person of course, you'd get on great...it's just....how do I say this? Erm...you're not exactly...you're..." He raised his eyebrow.

"You'd never survive me hometown anyway" I mumbled.

"...alright, we'll do it" He said, slidding off the car bonnet. I tilted my head to the side. "We're about ten minutes away from Haworth..."

I hesistated. "Nah...there's n'owt there, other than ducks and drugs"

"The combination would be a great tourist selling point..." He said, offering out his hand, I smirked.

"Yeah, on the brochures..." I mumbled, and sighed, letting my hand slip into his, and everything being pulled straight into my past, the place I ran from for so many years.

We walked through a series of familiar streets all illuminated by flickering small streetlamps. My pace slowed down, and I took a moment to take in every inch of the whole world that was my childhood trauma. Etched in my head with a sharp knife, engraved in deep like song lyrics. And for once, walking down these streets, everything was calm, just breathing with a steady heartbeat, until we found ourselves sitting in some pub.  
  
  


"You know I don't get it" I said, scrolling through Youtube comments. "The fangirls are already deciding which songs are about me...you already wrote the album before you met me?"

"I did write a song about you, remember?" He said, as he drank more of his pint.

"Oh yes, the sociopathic bitch, I remember" I said and he shook his head, smiling to himself softly.

"The song that made you fall from the ceiling..." He reminded me and I groaned. "I wasn't so sure, but I had a feeling since then...I know myself, I fall way too quickly"

"Nah, not convinced" I said, asking for a refill, and using the tissue in my sleeve to blow my nose. He smirked.

He sat up, passing me the rest of his drink, and walked over to the college wanna be emo band that was playing some shit music. He talked to them discreetly, I put it down to the drinks and answered a phone call from David.

"You've got a lot of nerve calling me again..." I muttered and he laughed on the other end of the phone.

"Just checking up on you, rumor has it you left Sheffield, not planning on doing a runner are you?" He asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Without a plan, and Jordan?" I asked "Come on David, thought I told you not to underestimate me..."

"Nine days, Rue...he best be in some form of attraction to you, or I'd be having doubts" He said and I smirked.

"Oh the end is coming David, don't you worry, might be a lot sooner than you think" I warned, and I could here him laugh on the other end of the phone. "Who knows...maybe you'll be the one doing a runner in the end, all alone..." I almost dropped the phone when the microphone squeaked, "Ight, I'm heading off...please die" I hung up.

"Ladies and gents, and others, tonight, for those who are sober enough to hear this...I've got a point to make, via song apparently" He said with a smirk, _oh fuck no._ The emo drummer with purple curtains counted the beat, "Open Sesame..." He sang, _right I was gonna need another drink. "_ We've people to see. There's all sorts of shapes, that I bet you can make. When you want to escape, say the word"

 _"Well, I know that getting you alone isn't easy to do_ _._  
_With the exception of you I dislike everyone in the room_  
_And I don't wanna lie, but I don't wanna tell you the truth_  
_Get the sense that you're on the move_  
_And you'll probably be leaving soon, so I'm telling you..."_ I laughed softly as he began to dance a little, like a drunk uncle at a wedding.

 _"Stop the world 'cause I wanna_  
_Get off, with you..."_ He sang, my fingers drummed the side of my leg softly. " _Stop the world 'cause I wanna._ _Get off, with you"_

 _"Eyes the color of (water left in mud)_  
_Icing sugar dust (crazy green flashes)_  
_It's a funny thing, that I cannot explain_  
_Don't you know the train keeps a-rolling?"_ Under the influence of his music, nothing was there, I felt what I didn't feel, had what I couldn't and I become confounded with his soul, and with him I pass from one condition to another. Joy, fear and then regret.

"Thank you to those who are still able to stand up, it's been a great evening, but there's a petty lass sitting at the bar who I wrote this for who would make better, it would be amazing if I could just embarrass her right now with everyone getting her onto the dancefloor..." He said through his guitar solo. **_And for Agatha Christie's next novel: Murder At A Pub Band Night_**

I buried my head in my hands, cringing whist laughing. The lass behind the counter found this very amusing and danced along on the floor in front of him.

_"Well, I know that getting you alone isn't easy to do_  
_And I don't wanna lie, and I don't wanna tell you the truth_  
_And I know we got places to go, we got people to see_  
_Think we both oughta put 'em on hold and I know you agree"_

After a few moments of me, laughing on the floor, hiding from the idea of joining my worst nightmare, I eventually gave in to the somewhat peer pressure. He stood on the bar counter opposite Al, giving a small bow when I received a cheer and began dancing as terribly as Al.

 _"Stop the world 'cause I wanna_  
_Get off, with you_  
_Stop the world 'cause I wanna_  
_Get off, with you"_ He sang once more before joining me on the bar, wrapping his arms around my waist, as we danced even more stupidity then we did before, in the fade and shrink of the music.

**ᴬ ᶠᵉʷ ᵈʳⁱⁿᵏˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

  
The next part of the night fell through an electric blur, our faint shadows were drifted together, displaced only a few heartbeats away from the world, his touch was warm and comforting, just like the bonfire that was fading away with the day as we ran through the empty streets of my childhood.

"wItH yOuR fEEt oN tHe aIr AnD yOuR hEaD oN tHe gRoUnD..." I sang as we span each other around quickly, "tRy tHiS tRiCk aNd sPiN iT, YEAHHHH!"

"yOuR hEaD wIlL cOlLaPsE" He sang and I hit a bin, falling over. "Summat, summat...WHERE IS MY MIND?"

"WHERE IS MY MIND?" I sang from the bin bags. "Woooo" I cheered

"Wooo" He cheered back, we both laughed as he helped me out of the rubbish. "You sound like, you're calling me in a secret code"

"What like that Marco and poppadum thing?" I asked, brushing off my clothes and stumbling backwards, he caught me. He nodded. "So if we ever lose each other..." I began "Oh we have to practice, wait here, count to ten"

I quickly ran and found a small hiding place behind yet another bin, avec un rat. I was shit at hiding, which was ironic really, as I ran away and avoidedeverything that occurred in my life. "Woooooo" I shouted loudly, earning a few annoyed shouts from the neighbours.

He easily found me and we both laughed when he did. "You're shit at hiding" He said and I shook my head, pretending to be offended.

"No I'm not" I pretested and he laughed at me more, I was, I really was shit. "If we had a game of hide and seek right now...I'd totally win..." He seemed amused by this, but left me petty.

"I'm sure you would..." He mused, his arms made themselves comfortable around my waist, his lips grazing my jaw, and neck. I exhaled heavily as I leaned back into the wall, my eyes fluttering to a close as everything dripped in electric flames. Before I breathed my lips were caught in his. _It isn't real. This isn't what you want. Don't forget. Don't fall, don't fall, don't you dare._

My heart felt heavy, as heat rolled onto me, _nine days_ , I pulled away, _nine days, break his heart._ "We can't do this..." I whispered and he frowned. "Al you have to go..."

"What?"

"You have to run away, far, far away from me...I'm going to hurt you, so badly, I can't..." I panicked, trying to walk away, but I stumbled and fell into him.

"hey, hey, it's ok, Rue..." He said, cupping my cheeks, "Don't worry, nothing bad is gonna happen"

"You don't understand, you'll never, not until it's too late..." I said quietly and he shook his head. "It's all him Al, don't you see? He's making me...I never wanted to hurt you..."

"Rue when did you take drugs...?" He asked and I felt my heart beat thunderously, and begin to fade. "You're high...shit how much did you...when? How?"

"Everything is him, why? why does he do this to me?" I asked, tears streaming down my eyes, golden and enhanced with glitter. "He's the one who left me..."

"Rue...I'm worried about you...I need you to help me out here, what did you do exactly...?" he asked sincerely and I shook my head. "What are you talking about?"

"David" I said " This is all David"

"Rue listen to me...I think...you've taken a bit too much ok? I didn't know you had a problem with them..." He began, holding onto my shoulders firmly. "We should probably get you to A&E, yeah?" I shook my head, biting my lip before running quickly down the street, leaving him. "Rue! Wait"

I leaned against the furthest wall I could find, and sank to the floor.

The problem with this was, that I had played this game a lot, and the notion of it usually stayed the same. I played this game often and each time I fell deep, I almost drowned, until something, someone always brought me back to the surface to breathe. The problem with Al was, I knew I wasn't falling deep, because whenever I fell deep, it always hurt.

I'd stay up at night, and I wonder who he was exactly, what he did that was enriched so much of the world, why they needed his heart to break for theirs to feel something.

But I knew, I always did. I didn't want it to be like it was, that the way he made others feel something, the way he said things, meant that he was of any worth in this world.

I reached into my pocket, and took in more and more, until I couldn't feel him anymore.

If I fell deep for him, I would know, I had fallen in love with every person I ever dated, ever kissed, ever touched. And with every touch, my heart would break, with him. Because I only ever felt a fond form of guilt, so much regret that it was all numb.

 _more_.

If I fell deep for him...I kept reminding myself, it would hurt, everything would fall apart. Why it didn't I never would know. If I ever made a wish, it would be for him to just stop, because I guess like me, he could never hold onto his heart.

_breathe_

I'm not in deep, in deep only ever hurt me. Maybe my heart wasn't ever supposed to hurt like that before, why I was always falling for pain I'd never know. He's was there and I didn't want to be, I wanted to run far away with him. Maybe love was never supposed to hurt. But it always had.

Anyone whose ever suppose to love me had hurt me, always will. My mum, my brother, my sister, Jordan, Michael...the only way Al would ever hurt him me was when I did so for him.

I hadn't fallen deep, I knew what that had felt like...he didn't feel like that, his breath in mine and nothing was hurt, the inevitable ending of this, content between the two of us was white noise. If I loved him, surely, I wouldn't be able to do this to him.

I forgot about David, and with him, it felt like I held him close to my heart by my own means, like I wanted to, that it wasn't fear that kept me here. That there was nothing else.

my heartbeat began to slow with my thoughts, _more_ until I couldn't hear him anymore.

more, until eventually the the tears that fell from my eyes, dripped with gold, as well as the world around. ' _What would you do, if we were to die?'_

My breathing slowed, and I stood up quickly, and tried to escape the allyway around me that tilted and shifted, I stumbled and fell until several walls, but I didn't fall.

My heartbeat began to fade, and so did everything around me. ' _What were you to do of you were to die?'_

The remains of the fentanyl on my sleeve was shimming golden, there's saying with addicts...that the golden shot is the last one, the last one until you overdose. ' _If you were to die?'_

My head met my mind to on the floor, and I stared up a the night sky, that faded further and further away from me.

_'What if we're already dead?'_

And then nothing.  
  
  



	29. How To Train Your Borderline Depressed Unseasoned Cabbage

**NEVER STOPPED YOU LETTIN' ME GET** hold of the sweet spot by the scruff of your  
knee socks  
⤷𝓪𝓻𝓬𝓽𝓲𝓬 𝓶𝓸𝓷𝓴𝓮𝔂𝓼

────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆────────  
  
  
  


  
7 _days remaining..._

★*:･ﾟ𝕾o I would make a pretty shit ghost.

It wasn't just my inability to scare people or walk through walls without getting lost or even the fact that I didn't have any adiquette motives to get revenge on mortals.

It was more to do with the fact that I didn't stay dead for long.

Don't get me wrong, I knew I was fucked. I really didn't want to be saying that so often now as I used the word fuck so much, by comparison it was loosing it's meaning.

There was a huge difference you see, between 'Fuck I failed that screenshot' and 'Fuck I woke up in a hospital and I feel like I've been hit by a truck'

I woke up abruptly, my heart racing at uncomfortable speed, thrusting boiling blood through my veins. My breath spiked through my chest, rising up and down though my throat, wincing in pain every time I drew a sharp breath.

Contrasting strokes of darkness hovered before my eyes, spiralling around in patterns, speckled with warm sparks of light causing a pain to hammer against my head.

I couldn't breathe, fuck, _just breathe Rue,_ I can't inner voice!

A sudden cool touch, spiralled through my skin, relaxing my limbs and my decreasing my shallow breaths.

"Hey, hey, Rue, it's ok" A whisper melted through the chaos.

The mist began to fade so a pair dark eyes, flooded with an endless depth of ink started to flicker into focus as my heartbeat slowed down. "...Tom" I began and he nodded, sighing in relief. "What you doing here...oh my- I died didn't I...wait what am I doing here?"

"Rue, it's ok...calm down, you're going to be ok" He said and I nodded. "Just breathe"

"What happened?" I asked my younger brother, my throat dryer than my personality apparently.

"You overdosed...again, you've beeon out for two days" He said in a disappointed tone, with the sort of sadness you felt when your country didn't win Eurovision...even though you knew they wouldn't, every year, but it didn't make it hurt any less. "Thought you were dead...so I were allowed to come over..." He looked over to the copper behind him.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck" I muttered, sitting up suddenly, which I instantly regretted as...pain, all I knew was pain. "They're gonna fucking put me in a prison cell and I'm too hungover to even enjoy it..." I began to panic.

"Rue...it's alright you numpty" Tommy said, lowering his voice slightly. "No one is locking you up for drug posession, it's a miracle...but there's four white blokes outside and a Geordie who's managed to pull some strings..."

"Oh..." I mumbled, not feeling any sort of relief whatsoever.

"You lied to me, to all of us, I thought you were passed this, I thought you had this under control" He said "I can't see you like this, I mean I will, I'll always be here for you, even if you become a serial killer fuck, I'll always be here for you. I'm sorry, seeing you fall, hurts me, that doesn't mean you shouldn't hurt. I just thought that, I meant enough to you, that you save yourself if not for you, for me"

I sighed heavily, closing my eyes... _he did mean enough, that's why this was the way it was...the guilt, I was trying._ "Where's Jordan?"

"He's hired coffin dancers...and is trying to somehow convince David this is all his fault...thought that was summat you'd want to see" He explained "Also...he was stressing out to the aboslute brim, so he needed to distract himself"

"Ok..." I mumbled, sighing and staring up at the stealing...feeling like...I was out of date, like past expirary date.

"Rue..." He began.

"The white blokes...long dark hair...err... looks like an 80s Doctor who? Blondie? One in joggers...one with a quiff?" I mumbled, my voice cracking in several places.

"Yeah...they're worried" He said, defeated. "Mam heard..."

"Oh fuck" I said quickly, sitting up and he shook his head, holding onto my shoulders.

"She's fine Rue...told her they were just rumours...." He said and I sighed in relief. "...you're not gonna turn into her Rue"

I shook my head. "I already have" I mumbled. "Thank you..." I whispered. "For being here...I'm sorry I scared you...you didn't deserve that...I'm sorry"

He gave me a sad smile. "Hey it's ok...look I can't stay long, but please Rue, take care...please? We have too much to lose if you lose yourself"

_Dear David, the things I do for you._

**_ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ʰᵒᵘʳˢ ˢᵗᵃʳⁱⁿᵍ ᵃᵗ ᵃ ʷᵃˡˡ ᵃⁿᵈ ᶠᵉᵉˡⁱⁿᵍ ˢᵒʳʳʸ ᶠᵒʳ ᵐʸˢᵉˡᶠ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ..._ **

_I am constantly torn between killing myself and everyone around me_.   
M. Marsh 28/11/2013

My deep ponder and reflecting on my life let me have an existential crisis, I write poetry now, apparently that's something people do instead of drugs. 

_I burnt toast._  
 _I am toast._  
M. Marsh 28/11/2013

I ignored the messages that flooded my phone, the screen being to bright for my fucked up body. I lay on the floor, with my feet in the air and head on the ground. 

_Why cats?_  
 _Why do we think they are the pets?_  
 _We're the ones serving their every need._   
M.Marsh 4.39 AM

I heard what happened  
is everything ok? -Michael

I rolled my eyes as I turned my phone of, if he knew what happened, he would know that I was fucked. There was a knock on my door and my legs fell from the air and back onto the bed, I turned to my side, ignoring it. There was another. "Fuck of Jordan I already said I'm not interested in a cheeky nandos, or chinese" 

"Not Jordan..." Al's voice said and I nearly suffocated myself with my own pillow. "I heard you died..." 

"Well those rumours were exaggerated..." I mumbled. "...I told you, no matter what I do, not dead yet, tragically" 

  
He sighed, sitting down on the end of my bed, and I rolled onto my back, focusing on everything that wasn't him. _Why was he still here?_ "You do realize that trying to embrace the whole sociopathic drug addict thing as a way to push people away to not make them feel responsible for you doesn't work...not when people care a lot about you" He said, playing his hands nervously. "I did the same...everyone does"

Now that I was completely sober, my mind ran free, and I needed it to stop. _No one will know._ I sat up suddenly. _Don't you ever fucking touch her!_ I needed it to stop. _Please._

I moved quickly, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and kissing him quickly, trying to push it all away, _no one will hear,_ I needed everything to disappear. _This isn't a fucking dream Rue, this is real, you're mental!_ I needed to lose everything. "...Rue" He mumbled between breaths. I needed to be given something for once, something to stop it all. "...Rue, stop" He said and I did, he held onto my shoulders. "Stop trying to...run from reality, you said you wouldn't"

I shook my head, holding onto the end of my sleeves. "It's all too much, too fucking much" I muttered, resting my palms on my forehead. "It's not real, it isn't"

He held onto my wrists, bringing his hands towards him, unclenching my fists, drawing circles with his thumbs in the nail marks in my palms. "Rue...you've clearly got summat, going on, that you haven't told me...which is fine, but, I don't think I can be good for you, if I can't understand, if I can't know..." He whispered. "I mean, if I'd known...I didn't know you were an addict, christ, I thought you were just messing around like the rest of us. Did you do it on purpose? I don't know...I don't know what to do and I..." He trailed off and I cupped his cheeks, wiping away the faint tears that traced his eyelids.

I shook my head. "No, it's happened too many times for me to do intentially at this point, maybe subconciously..." I whispered. "I've been fucked since I were about seventeen..."

He shuffled closer to me. "You don't have to tell me,...you don't owe me" He whispered. "I can leave...if you want me to..." I held onto his arm before he could disppear.

"Stay" I whispered and be nodded, squeazing my hand tightly. "...Please" He nodded. _You did this, we all did!_ That was all took before everything broke, the tears slipped down my cheeks before I could catch them, but I didn't have to, as he did for me. He held me close.

"How many times?" He asked me softly. "How many times did you do this, overdose?"

I held a shaking breath "...Four" I whispered and I felt his heart sink beneath mine.

"You can't do this...whatever it is that's hurting you Rue, it's destroying you" He said and I nodded, practically using his shoulders as a tissue.

"...I know, I know...I have to think of them, me family" I said, pulling away from him, my thoughts haunting me. "For them"

"No, wait of course...but you have to think of yourself Rue, is this what you want?" He asked and I felt the air leave for a moment. Numbing the pain for a moment.....pushing away all the thoughts and pains that drowned me. Letting myself just breath. Alone, safe and comfortable my thoughts.

It made me feel something and that was everything to me.

To put it simply, drugs were kind of the best thing that ever happened to me.

But there's a very narrow line, between drugs being everything and then leaving you with nothing. Because soon after you're safe in your own thoughts, everything around you crumbles apart, your skin and family cracking.

The overdoses, the hospitals, the way it messes with your head. That's when you realize that it's all you ever were, are and every will be. Because you let it become your everything.

And then it happens.

You became nothing.

The nothing you craved, you become. And every second of the rest of your life becomes a dull ache in your skull, waiting to pass. And you realize, you'll never feel anything ever again.

"No" I whispered. "Fuck, no, I just want...I just want to get rid of it..." His gaze never left mine. "...the guilt" The tears began to fall harder and he caught me once more. "it never leaves"

"...why?" He whispered and I almost laughed. "What happened...who did this to you?"

"I did" I confessed. "I did, because I'm a fucking disgusting person Al, a heartless, shitty-" I listed between sobs and he shook his head.

"That is isn't true"He protested and I shook my head, feeling no sense of self control.

"You don't understand, I really am...I mean really...you know I'd never admit that..." I said, wiping my nose on my sleeve.

"...Rue" He whispered. "What ever it is it can't be-"

"I fucking killed somone ok?" I said and he looked taken back for a moment. I sighed heavily, the everything collapsing from me, the first time those words escaped me. He let go of me. "...that's why, why I can never escape David, this life"

Silence became of broken record around us, the soundtrack to the end of everything. And then of course, the visuals, the dialouge.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Three years ago...._   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_There was a sillouette of a man that used to hide on my street, dragging it's darkness into the safety of light. It made me walk home quicker, and close my eyes when I crossed the road, to hide._

_I was terrified of a man that lerked in the_ _dark, he'd visit the pubs light at night, with a suit and briefcase, no cigarrettes, no drink...he was on duty. The man that would knock on your door, he'd know your name, your brother, your sister, he knew where you slept and if any room was free, if there was you'd have to leave, if you hadn't the money you were gone._

_When I grew up, he never left, always there, but this time there were many of him, were up there, so all mates with David_ _and everything I had, I feared, I owed to David._

_I only had been working for him for two years at this point, the only thing really keeping me going was the Jordan and equal custody of David'd cat, that I could easy deport to France if he got too out of hand._

_Another night, another night out for those blokes whilst I did overtime with Jordan, which included us two staying with David in a attempt to help him look good infront of the those toffs._

_Another night, another saturday night, which meant_ _everyone was out at that pub, my brother, my sister, Michael, as that was a point in my life._

_The music was loud, so I didn't have to listen to the slurs, the laughs, the plans of the shadows that broke through the cracks of the North. The lights were bright, they were dark, I didn't have to see them. My blood was intoxicated, so it didn't boil when they spoke, or slipped a hand between a woman's thighs and complain about their lack of sport._

" _You got a tenner?" My sister asked me, snapping me out of my daydream. "I'm skint and need another pint"_

_I rolled my eyes. "So am I..." I protested and she gave me the puppy eyes...for fucks sake. "This is coming out me pension at this rate...kids"_

_"I'm fourteen..." Aliya challenged and I laughed, passing her the tenner._

_"My apologizes, when you gonna retire?" I asked and she pouted, before laughing as I ruffled her hair. She hugged me gratefully._

_As the night grew darker, so did the shadow of the man, the man who would hide under the beds of children and crawl into them if he didn't receive the rent._

_The pub grew empty as the earlier hours of the morning fell through, Jordan_ _in the bathroom, using the pool cues as javelins with my brother. I was hiding away with Michael, smoking or something as we danced to shit music and sex I guess...I don't know._

_And then a scream broke through it all._

_From different directions we all ran, pissed out of our minds but the fear keepings us steady._

' _No one will know'_

_And there was the silhouette, the shadow, the darkness, David's mate, the housing tenant, with his tie, his suit and his hand over my sister's mouth._

_'No one will hear you scream'_

_It was him, it was him that scared me the most when I was young...and when I was older, it was what he could do to others that scared him. It was him, he was the scrounger, the delinquent, the useless shadow of society that brought us down, the man who raped my sister._

_Within that split second, it wasn't long before all chaos broke lose, his disgusting self being dragged away from Aliya by Michael, face beaten and a chair thrown at him by Jordan, as she cried in my arms. The_ _bastard try to swing an arm in our direction, missing and smashing the pint glasses next to me. Anger and hatred thundered through my body,_ _like a wildfire as I reached for the nearest glass shard, THUNDER, I swung it him THUNDER CRASH, LIGHTNING and without warning, or my permission it plunged straight in his neck._

_Cleaning up wasn't the hard part, Michael was always good at that, it was the realisation that what happened was infact real and it was going to fuck us all over._

_'This isn't a fucking dream Rue, this is real, you're mental!'_

_'You did this, you did this to me!'_

_S_ _o we never spoke about, never risked a whisper, the silouette of a corpse remained in the darkness, where it couldn't be seen._

_That was until, David brought it back into the light._

In that moment everything stopped being alive, and for once, there was no music, everything grew silent. The last light of the world abadonning me. Everything being isolated in dark, broken glass, like a broken mirror. 

What was once whole was shattered; where once was peace was now emptiness, echoes of a pain I fell deep into. 

"So there you go...that's the shit piece of blackmail that you were looking for when you met me" I mumbled, laughing nervously. 

"You're hurt Rue..." He said simply "You're not disgusting, you're hurt, you've been hurting for so long you didn't even realize you were anymore" I couldn't meet his gaze, I felt too dirty to even breathe the same aor as him, I didn't deserve it. "You're not awful nor disgusting...I would never fall so deep for someone who who was" 

"You've lost it" I muttered and he shook his head. 

"How did he find out...David?" He asked.

"Same way you did..." I whispered. "Caught me at me most vunerable...post overdose" 

My hands were still trembling, until he clasped them in his. "You didn't do anything wrong..." He whispered and I almost laughed. "It was an accident"

I shook my head. "I wanted him dead Al...I don't anymore, and thd guilt is omnipresent, but at the time...through the anger, it was what I was thinking but I didn't actually want to-" I said and he nodded softly , still in shock. "That's the sort of person I am, Al, impulsive, aggressive and...there's just so much more that you don't understand-"

"You're not as bad as you like to think you are..." He assured me, cupping my cheeks and wiping the tears. "...I think you knew...that even if you did save her, no one would believe that a man like that would...no one listens to..."

"No one would believe a young girl,let alone a skint black girl, yeah I know...they would've destroyed her and it did..." I sniffed. "I didn't mean to do it...but that doesn't matter, because for David, it means I can never leave him, or we'll all be going away...like my brother...they gave him five years for marijuana posession...what do you think they'll do for second degree murder? I'm sorry Al, for all this...it's all so fucked and there's so much you don't know and-"

He put his arms around me. "I don't know because you don't tell me...and if you did, just know I won't leave, I'll listen to you, because this..." He began, placing my hand on his chest. "Is for you, break my heart, do what you want with it, no matter how much I tried...I couldn't hold on to my heart"

"I don't want to ever hurt you Al" I whispered, tracing patterns across his cheeks. "Not you, I can't, I really..." I breathed heavily. "It won't always be like this Al, I promise, not in this life, not with this past...the pain, it won't...just whatever you do please...wait for me" _wait till after David, don't leave me when I leave you, please give me the impossible, when I don't deserve it._

He nodded softly. "I promise...whatever it is, that'll you'll have to face, to fall...you'll have to take me with you...you're stuck with me" He assured me and I laughed softly, smiling.

"As long as that's another promise" I teased and he nodded, grinning. I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed the gap between us.

Movement drifted into molten blur.  
He gave me a long look, as my arms slipped beneath his shirt-it was delved with energy from the depths of an erupting volcano. Heat fled everywhere, passionate and lustful. His gaze locked into mine.

"We can't..." He whispered as my lips brushed his cheek. "I don't want to take advantage of you...you're too hurt, too vunerable right now..."

"Al, please, just give me summat for once, the only time I feel safe all night is when you hold me, the only time I can breathe without it hurting is when you're kissing me. "I'm not blind Al, my tears don't cloud my judgement...not with you, never with you. Everything fades when I'm with you, I need you until I can't see anything at all"

He hesistated "You're everything" He whispered, I kissed him softly.

"Distraction from drugs as well?" He guessed and I nodded.

"A 100%, probably need to stay up...like all night or summat, who knows" I said, laughing and he smirked, kissing me again.

Heat poured off of him and filled the cracks in my soul, we fit together perfectly like puzzle pieces of two different puzzle pieces.

His body dipping into mine, displacing the pools of molten electricity onto my cheeks and then neck instead. The warmth wondered everywhere, pools of heat flooded my neck, my legs and crawled up my back underneath my shirt.

My blood boiled beneath my skin, with the same electric pulse that fuelled my anger. I burned like fire beneath him and he was the taste of ash-from crackling wood, warm and dusted grey.

His grip was strong on my legs, his palms rubbing circles on my thighs. His lips dragged, his breath warm, hot and heavy against my shoulder. My skin burned under every touch, breaths became spluttered and raspy. My hands clasped his shoulders, on his back, under his shirt.

And for this moment and this moment only, I was glad I was lost, deep within my memories, because they were shared with him. It didn't matter if he was in my past, or future the way I wanted him to be or not.

What matter was that he was here now and he stayed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	30. Power Move: No Skill Needed, Just Be Amused By Confusion

**HE LEFT NO TIME TO REGRET** kept his dick wet with his same old safe bet  
⤷𝓪𝓶𝔂 𝔀𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓼𝓮

────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆────────

  
_Six days remaining...._

★*:･ﾟ𝕴f there were to be any morals or anything taken from this segment in my life, it would be never meet a bloke like David and most importantly no matter what you do in life, never turn your favourite song into an alarm clock. We all know that's a bad idea, because it becomes your most hated song in the whole world.

It was one of the reasons why I could no longer listen to SugaBabes because I couldn't figure out how to change my alarm. It's still there, disturbing my sleep, every time I close my eyes.

Al went in the other direction, choosing something that would piss him off...and more importantly piss me off more in the morning.

So that morning, I woke up to the torturous, ear burning sounds of Epic Sax Guy, pounding through his phone. I groaned as I reached for it and threw it across the room, it smashed against the far wall and the sound died. Along with the phone I'm guessing.

I pulled my sheets over my head, hoping that by some miracle, I could salvage my sleep and continue my dream, in which David nor indie bands existed, so I wasn't in this mess.

That was until I found out that the phone survived, and the alarm. I sat up, staring my enemy down from the distance, it's threat fading when I recieved a phone call...no one called me. Suspicous.

"Hello?" I asked, as the call connected.

"Hello Rue" A disguised voice said.

"Who is this?" I asked, trying to keep my voice quiet so I didn't wake Al up.

"That's not important right now" The deep voice said, I looked at my phone.

"Well it says David on me phone..." I said and I heard the deep voice groan.

"Ok, fine it's me...but don't hang up" He said and I rolled my eyes.

"Why did you disguise your voice?" I asked, completely unimpressed.

"Because if someone were to listen into this conversation I didn't want them to know my identity" He said, and I sat up straighter.

"But they know now..." I said bluntly.

"Yes...thanks" He muttered. "We survived the inquiry, managed to pin everything down on Terry, but I don't want themnto know that...so I'm being cautious. Especially as my Dad's back in town, he isn't happy, may be back for you lot, take care. Oh, and by the way, six days left" He quickly hung up before I could say anything.

I sighed heavily, leaning back and facing Al, His quiff had fallen between his eyes and his face was slightly creased from the pillow. Save from the future, the inevitable, _safe from me._

The alarm rang again, and this time he woke up. "What are you grinning about?" I asked, pushing his hair out of his eyes. "Have another dream about Jameh being on I'm A Celebrity?"

He shook his head "Nah, I were thinking..." He began.

"Never a good sign...we'll end up with even more sappy love songs" I teased and he smirked, lightly hitting my head with a pillow.

"You love them..."He said and I couldn't protest, "Nah I were thinking about whether or not you'd sue me if I ever released a song about you...that and whether or not we'd be a good team for laserquest tommorow, I usually team up with Matt"

I smiled "Yes and yes" I said and he laughed. "Can you pass me my phone? I need to write something down." He quirked a brow but did as asked.

"What is it? Reminder: Turner's dick is too good to handle - buy bread."

"Fuck off" I said laughing, beginning to type in a note entry, "I rememberd the name of this song I've been trying to find. You know when you know next to none of the lyrics so it's impossible to Google?"

"You're mad" He said with a happy grin, pulling me closer into his embrace and buried his face in my hair. His eyelashes brushing against my cheeks as he tried to go back to sleep.

"It's a common crisis" I protested and I felt his smile against me. The time flashed as I turned my screen off. "SHIT. Your gonna be late!" I quickly jumped out of bed, but he didn't move.

"Come on...you have to get up, your bed isn't going to magically teleport you elsewhere, it's been tried and tested..." I said, trying to drag him by his feet, he groaned, throwing a pillow at me, which I dodged easily, as blind-pillow throwing wasn't exactly his specialité.

I picked up the pillow and threw it back at him, that seemed to give him enough motivation to jump out of bed and take cover behind it. I took cover behind the hotel desk, throwing anything I could reach, including many books.

There was a knock on the door, and we both froze. "Al?" Matt asked and I dropped the vase in my hand, we quickly left our bases...until next time and began to panic. "You're late, we're gonna miss the bus...what are you doing?"

"Erm...nothing" He said quickly.

"Al, I swear down if you're watching Danger Mouse again, I'm going to kill you...I'm coming in-" He said.

"No!" Al said quickly and I gave him a dirty look. "You can't! I'm....er...naked"

"You haven't told him?" I whisper-shouted and he rolled his eyes.

"You think I'll live that down...after my journalist facism?" He hissed and I hit him with the pillow, trying not to laugh.

"Why aren't you dressed?" Matt asked, as Al was trying to push me to hide.

"Erm...because I'm...having...a...wank" He said and I laughed quietly. He pointed to the wardrobe.

"I'm not going back in there" I said and he gave me a confused look.

"But you've never been in my-wait...no I get it" He said laughing a little.

"For fucks sake Al get yourself a girlfriend" Matt muttered. "Wait, who were you talking to?"

We both froze. "Erm...I'm on the phone, with me mam" He tried.

"Why did you have a wank after you called your mam?" Matt asked and Al pushed me in the wardrobe so I could continue my hysterical laughing in there.

"Erm...I don't question your life Matt..." Al said.

"You're full of shit" Matt said before walking into the room. "Put a shirt on, we're going to that interview even if I have to drag you there meself"

"I need to stop staying round yours" I said as soon as Matt was gone, struggling to find my cigarrettes "I get later and later, and I never have me shit"

"You keep saying that...but you can't stay away from me" He said laughing and I stuck my tongue out and him.

"Where would I be without you Alex Turner? Heartbroken, in a sea of me own tears, interviewing a decent band?" I said melodramatically, holding his hand from a small distance.

"I can't live without you, don't let go" He said dramatically, and she laughed before letting my fingers fade from his touch, slowly. We both waved our arms around in slow motion, pretending to fall backwards.

"yOu'Re HeRe!" I sang awfully on purpose and he covered his ears.

"Fuck no"

"tHeRe'S nOtHiNg i FeAr" I yelled in his ear before picking him up and spinning me around...because yes, he was that weak.

"aNd i KnOw tHaT mY hEaRt WiLl gO oNnNNNnnn" We screamed together; well he was trying to be louder than me just to annoy me.

His arms made themselves comfortable, resting on my shoulders. As I cupped his cheek, I realized my hand was trembling and wondered at the equally weak flutter in my chest.

Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing, but I thought perhaps I liked it.

In that moment, he whispered something in my ear, something that I would never forget, no matter how much I would try to, or drink. Before I could even respond the moment ended.

"Oh and another thing..." Matt said as he walked into the room, and I jumped back from Al in shock, headbutting him as I did.

"Ah fuck..." I mumbled, placing a palm to my head.

"Shit..." Matt said, looking between us, I tried my best to look innocent, in some form of eye contact that assured Matt this wasn't what this looked like...but I had a feeling a just looked constipated.

"And this is been happening how long....?" I shrugged. "Below me pay grade..." He shook his head, bored. "You can tell me on the way, we can't be late again, let's get summat to eat, taxi's coming in like ten minutes" He grabbed Al and was practically dragging him out of the door.

As soon as he was gone, I turned on my phone, ignoring the messages from my relatives and looking for David's contact so I could tag him in some Dr Pimple Popper videos to ruin his day. I didn't get too far as Al quickly ran back to kiss me shortly before running off again. I titled my head to the side, confused, feeling a new colour filtering my cheeks and my heart and then returning to my mild bullying.

But the words he whispered, never left me, and maybe I didn't want them to. _I dreamt you'd stay._

I never could.

_Dear David, why do you exist?_

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵈʳᵃᵐᵃᵗⁱᶜ ˢᵒⁿᵍˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

If I were to get a new tattoo, it would defintly just outline the only important conlcusion I had made that evening: The Life Long Kitchen Ban Was On To Something. 

That morning was even more chaotic than usual, going from it's usual level of stress that mirrored having to run from the bathroom quickly when you were five and you heard the adverts had finish because the theme song from, Mr Maker or whatever had begun, increasing to a whole other stress...like Home Alone 2 level chaos. 

"We're gonna be fucking late...the taxi's said it's gonna be late...we're not missing that interview" Kierra stressed. "Nick, get dressed...and for fucks sake Matt brush your teeth in the bathroom" 

"Am I the only one concerned that there is NO FOOD?" Jamie asked, scouting the cupboards desperately. 

  
"We have n'owt quick and no time to cook shit...unless you can somehow convince someone who isn't going to cook for you...that'll be mint" 

  
Me and Jordan both shook our heads, Jamie turned around and gave me those stupid, useless, adorable, cute puppy eyes that...weren't going to work on me, as I was going to stand my ground so that's why I said "Fine, I'll do it"

"Don't set anything on fire..." Al said, reaching for my hand from a comfortable distance, once everyone had gone.

  
"That was like, one time" I assured him, wrapping my arms around his neck, still sitting on the kitchen counter, placing small kisses on his cheek, neck and across his shoulder.

He hummed "Sure...one time since I met you..." He said with a smirk and I grinned. 

  
"Oh then they'll definitly be more..." I mumbled, by lips tracing his closed eyelids, cheek, with small kisses. 

  
"As long as that's a promise" He whispered, biting my lip before cupping my cheeks and leaving me with a kiss.

There wasn't much in the cupboards, I couldn't expect much more from a hotel room lobby. There was a pack of lentils, probably from when Nick went vegan for a full twelve hours in September.

There was some angel delight and milk, flour. I could make pancakes I guessed. Master chef. _Whoever said cooking was difficult..._ I thought as I wondered over to the cooker.

But when I went to turn the gas on there was a loud CLUNK and suddenly everything went dark followed by a 'Oops wrong plug' from Jordan in the other room, followed by incoherent Geordie shouting in the other room. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  
Ok, so no gas, practically empty cupboards and Jamie's secret stash of snacks. _Adapt, improvise, overcome._

_**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵉᵐᵒᵗⁱᵒⁿᵃˡ ʳᵉˡᵃᵖˢᵉˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ..** _

"Welcome guests, I hope you enjoy the low lightning atmosphere Jordan created to enchance the mood"I said gesturing to the emergency lights and my phone torch. Jordan cheered at the mention of his name.

"Rue is this going to take long...we're really gonna be late-" Kierra began and I placed my hand over her lips.

"This is place of relaxation" I said "Please help yourself with an _amuse-bouche_ , they are delicate crisp bread, with a pearl of soft cheese"I gestured to the table...reminding myself of the food marketing aspect of journalism... _shudder_. 

"Is this a sour-cream-and-chive pringle?" Jamie asked.

"With Primula cheese spread on top?" Matt added, inspecting it carefully.

"Don't ruin the chef's secret" I said causing everyone to laugh. I ran quickly outside to where I was heating up the Scoth Eggs I found in the freezer, on the barbeque. Refusing to be beaten by the weather I brought a umbrella and positioned it over the barbeque.

Perfect. Chef's kiss. 

  
I went back in side and ate some of the biscuits from Jamie's stash that Matt was sharing out. "Come on where's that taxi?" Kierra muttered, pacing up and down the room, just like Al did when he was stressed.

"If it doesn't show in fifteen minutes we're legally allowed to leave" Nick said, causing us all to laugh. _Yeah secondary was another planet._

Al arrived in the room, passing me a cup of tea as he sat next to me "What's that smell?" He asked, looking around the room. 

"Don't look at me" Jordan said, raising his hands up in the air. "I'm not saying o'wt without a lawyer...plus whoever smelt it-"

"And more importantly what's that big light?" Kierra cut him off. 

I turned around and froze in horror when I saw the flames licking outside the window. SHHHIIIIITTTTTTTT. I ran outside to where the umbrella was on fire. How? What? Why? 

That didn't matter, I had to bring solutions not problems, naturally as the universe was on my side, the hotel room didn't have fire blanket or anything to help with the situation. _Of course it didn't, I mean, why would it?_ So I was going to do this the retro way.

I ran back into the kitchen, filled a bowl with water, darting back with the water sloshing around the bowl. I even tripped over a pack of lentils which some _IDIOT_ left lying on the floor. The water drenching me.

Fuck.

The fire was later fixed by the Monkeys and Kierr creating a DIY fire bragade, passing pots and pans across the room in a train, as Jordan filmed it. Miles ended up being called and turned up with Maccies breakfast, being praised like a fucking hero, with all my efforts of cooking being long forgotten because of one _small_ fire.

  
_Dear David, i would happily cook for you...yes, the burning your house part is in the recipe._

**ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ ᵃᶠᵗᵉʳ ᶜˡᵉᵃⁿⁱⁿᵍ ᵘᵖ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠⁱʳᵉ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ, ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵒⁿᶜᵉᵖᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ ⁱᵗˢᵉˡᶠ ʷᵃˢ ʳᵉᵇᵒᵒᵗᵉᵈ...**

Internet search history.

A detailed form of scrutiny that collects all your embarassing questions, spelling checks, translations for when your pretending to be half spanish and porn. What's not to love about it?

Well, as it turns out, there's a lot not to love about it. 

The first promiently being that, I felt my own brain cells dissolving by reading David's. It was an actual nightmare, me and Jordan had spent the past forty minutes only going through the last two days of horros that flooded David's internet provider. 

A majority of that time wasn't actually productive as Jordan was more interested in _my_ search history than anything else.A copy of it can be now found everywhere in the recording studio. 

Rue's recent Google search history:

Arctic Monkeys  
What makes rockstars such pricks?  
Why do certain people take out their trauma on you?  
Why do people sacrifice their well-being to write music?  
Why do cute boys use heartbreak to create i music?  
Why are cute boys named Alex Turner use music as a coping mechanism?  
How to get away with murder.  
Ambient sounds to help you sleep.  
What qualifies you for a service dog?   
Daily horoscope.  
Does threatening to blackmail and destroy someone's career sound flirty?  
Buzzfeed quizzes food

"David was once in a musical" Jordan said as he stopped flicking through his papers, lowering his reading glasses. I quickly ran over to his side. "Oliver Twist...the irony. Won't be enough...work Christmas card?" 

"Definitly" I said and he grinned. "I haven't got o'wt either...just him stealing our pension money, charity donations and trust funds....and his school photos"

"We need summat outrageous...his haircut in the 90s perhaps..." Jordan said, laughing to himself , before turning the picture around so I could see. "Bowl cut...how many days we got left?"

"Seven" I said "Like how many teeth David had in his Year Four nativity..." I passed the photo to Jordan. "Also as in one week until December...and then you can't stop me playing me Christmas music" 

"You're still on prohibition...December and only December...I don't make the rules" Jordan assured me. "Speaking of which Matt's got us all Advent calenders" 

I nodded, giving him a small smile. "I'm aware" 

"Ok, what's wrong?" He asked me and I gave him a confused look. "You'd never willingly accept that I would get the Lego one whilst you get the Dairy Milk one..." 

"You got what?" I asked and he put his hands up in surrender. "Nothing's wrong Jordan" 

An uncomfortable silence envoloped us through the next five minutes as we continued our search, Jordan's gaze piercing through me like a cold, clear cut blade. "You told him didn't you?" He asked and everything stopped. 

"What?" My voice cracked, recreating the pitch bender from the keyboard's we fucked around with in music back in Secondary. 

"You told him about the incident..." He concluded and I couldn't meet his stare. "Why? What's the point in that? David still has leverage. You've barely know this bloke...he's gonna grass-" 

"He isn't! Shut the fuck up" I said and Jordan raised his eyebrow. "He would never...he isn't like that Jordan, no matter how low you think of him, I'm not thick" 

"You like him" He guessed and I raised my eyebrow. 

"He's sweet, yeah and we have banter, but this is all David, this isn't real" I said. "He's not malevent Jordan, he's kind and caring, he's hurt and he has the most beautiful eyes, I don't know if you've seen them...but they're fucking-" He cleared his throat. "I can recognise beauty without being attracted to it-"

"You slept with him didn't you?" He guessed, and I rolled my eyes. 

  
"So...?" I quizzed and he sighed heavily, a little frustrated.

"Every single time Rue, you fall so easy, of all people to-" He began and I cut him off.

"I haven't fallen deep Jordan...don't worry" I said and he didn't look convinced. "I don't have to fancy someone to not want to break their heart, to hurt them in any way" 

He sighed heavily, "Yeah sure-wait...oh fucking hell" He groaned, resting his head on the table. "We're so thick it's mental...how would David even know? We're presumming a bad breakup means heartbreak right?"

"Did you take me drugs?" I asked.

"Someone had to" He said and I laughed. "But I'm serious, you don't have to do this David's way...what if we got Turner, to break up with you...it would still hurt, but not that bad" 

"Jordan he didn't even leave me when he found out I was a murderer..." I said and he grinned. 

"Then we'll just have to be a little creative..." He said, his signature smirk slipping through his lips. "Unless of course...you don't really want him to leave you-"

"Fine" I cut him off quickly. "We'll need Arabella and a canon" 

Dear David, do I get life insurance under my work contract? I'll ask the trade union. 


	31. Can't Wait To Tell This Story To My Grandkids.

**OH I COULD BURY YOU ALIVE** but you might crawl out with a knife and kill me when I'm sleeping  
⤷𝓼𝓬𝓲𝓼𝓼𝓸𝓻 𝓼𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓼

────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆────────

  
_three_ _days remaining..._

  
★*:･ﾟ𝕴f I somehow survive this, I'll tell everyone that I did it with the help of a inflatable crocodile. 

Because, that would be a lot more useful than Jordan was at imagining being cruel to people, or in any sorts of unattractive.

"What if we kidnapped his mam?" Jordan suggested, lighting yet another cigarrette, we had been here for hours.

"Don't be a melt..." I began, "...we don't have the time or the resources..." He raised his eyebrows. "...fine I'll write it down"

"Right, so far we've got, start WW3, start a hate group against the Strokes, sell all of his personal information to NME, let him meet your family, destroy the tour and split up the band, take his money and go on holiday, pretend to have an affair with David-yeah no one's gonna believe that, have a party without him, kidnapp his dog...we'd have to buy him a dog first and undergo a compelx medical procedure that swaps your face with Nickolas Cage so you can go undercover in a secret prison with magantic boots to questiom his brother about a...yeah we've all seen Face Off" Jordan listed, looking at the complex mess of the whiteboard. "Any preferences?"

In other words I was fucked.

That's my conclusion.

Fucked.

"Put them on a dart board and whichever one it hits first?" I suggested. He pointed at me with the whiteboard pen.

"I'll take that" He said, "We'll go down to the pub...Dan will totally be on board with that"

"Course" I said with a small grin, my arm meeting Jordan's. So maybe I had changed a little, maybe I hadn't done anything too scandeless recently...but I guess it was time to fall back, just a little...it was for him anyway.

_Dear David, trying to get around you is like trying to buy just one drink at a pub, seemingly impossible. Ironic of sorts, as I was the always the sly one, maybe I regret it, showing you how to make trouble and run. If I took a left turn, a right turn and never met you...maybe I wouldn't be here, but then again, I know I'd be dead._

**ᵃ ᵐⁱⁿⁱ ᵍᵃᵐᵉ ᵒᶠ ᵈᵃʳᵗˢ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵉˢᶜᵃˡᵃᵗᵉᵈ ⁱⁿᵗᵒ ᵃ ᶠᵘˡˡ ᵇˡᵒʷⁿ ᶜᵒᵐᵖᵉᵗⁱᵗⁱᵒⁿ ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇˡᵒᵏᵉˢ ᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵘᵇ...**

**ꜰɪʟᴇ ᴄᴀꜱᴇ: ᴏᴘᴇʀᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ɴᴜᴄʟᴇᴀʀ ᴘᴀɴᴄᴀᴋᴇꜱ. ᴀɢᴇɴᴛꜱ: ʀᴜᴇ, ᴊᴏʀᴅᴀɴ. ʀᴇᴘᴏʀᴛ: 10.30 ᴀᴍ 29/11/20, ᴛᴇʀʀɪʙʟᴇ ꜱᴛᴀʀᴛ. ᴘʀᴏɢʀᴇꜱꜱ 0.25%, ᴀʟᴄᴏʜᴏʟ ᴜɴɪᴛꜱ 14 (ᴀᴄʀᴏꜱꜱ ꜰᴏᴜʀ ʜᴏᴜʀꜱ...ɪᴍᴘʀᴏᴠᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ?) ᴄɪɢᴀʀʀᴇᴛᴛᴇꜱ, 22, ᴄᴀʟᴏʀɪᴇꜱ 5423, ʜᴏᴛᴇʟ? ᴛʀɪᴠᴀɢᴏ.**

"I can't believe the support band were that bad that half the tech crew left..." Kierra complained. "...no we've got to do it all ourselves, fuck, right you lot amps and mics...yes Matt will do yours Al" She said before he could mention it. "Can I trust you two with stage tech...you lot good with cameras aren't you?" 

"Yup, I once had a Youtube channel-" Jordan began. 

"We did live media Jordan..." I reminded him. 

"Oh yeah..." Jordan said, "We can be trusted, 100%" He gave me a sly smirk which I returned. 

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵐⁱⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ ᵒᶠ ʰⁱᵍʰˡⁱᵍʰᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵃⁿ ᵃʳᵍᵒˢ ᶜᵃᵗᵃˡᵒᵘᵍᵉ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ⁱᵗ ʷᵃˢ ᶠᵘᶜᵏⁱⁿᵍ ᶜʰʳⁱˢᵗᵐᵃˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

  
"THE BETRAYL....THE TREACHERY, THE BLASPHEMY!" Jamie shouted melodramatically, an indication that the plan worked. He picked up his guitar, which had been replaced with a pink Hello Kitty acoustic guitar...from Argos catalouge, only fifteen quid. "WHO TOOK ME FOOKING GUITAR?"

"Same person who did this I'm guessing" Nick said, calmly, revealing a pocket sized bass that we got from a Mcdonald's Happy Meal.

"Don't you lot have spares?" Kierra asked, her hands on her hips firmly. They both shook their head. "Why don't you ever read me emails? We're starting in fifteen minutes and we're in Derby..."

"Maybe this would be a bad time to mention this...but me drums have been promoted" Matt said raising his arms like Will Smith to gesture ot his new drum kit, suitable for 0-3 years, batteries not included. 

Kierra looked like she was about to faint, "Ok, Ok, maybe we can do it all with one guitar and then acapala it-" 

"I also don't have me guitar..." Al said, displaying the inflatable guitar that was in his hand, from Poundland. 

"For fucks sake" Kierra muttered throwing her phone on the floor, with the amount of times she had done that, it was a miracle it was still working. "Ok, it's official, we're going acoustic..."

"But-" Jamie protested, she cut him off immeditately. 

"Improvise. Adapt. Overcome...you're supposed to be musicians" She complained sitting down so she didn't die of cardiac arrest. "You two still up for camera work?" Me and Jordan both nodded, like those nodding dogs people had in their cars. "...alright, then show must go on"

Throughout the greatest and most shameless sleazes in northern history, let alone music wise, I'd like to think that the purely acoustic Derby performance that night would at least get an honourable mention in a WatchMojo list. 

From Jamie's ability to strum a small guitar, Al's skill of using a battery power electric guitar that played kids songs to work well with Nick's rainbow chimebars, to me and Jordan's cinematography as our cameras played the best wholesome and embarssing clips we had of the monkeys on the big screens, or just, cat videos...it was a miracle the concert was a success. 

"Right that's it...whoever did this...at least take credit so I 'ave summat mint to say in me next managers meeting" Kierra said, trapping us all in a room, like the last five minutes of whodunnit. 

"Alright Agatha Christie..." Nick began, smirking. "I have me suspicions" 

"Just because someome did summat problematic but comedic doesn't mean it was Rue..." Al said, taking one of my favourite lines that attempted to established myself as a mint anti-villian of sorts...but failed miserably, I used it a lot, if you hadn't notice. 

"No it was me" I said bluntly, everyone looking towards me, like I was in primary and the teacher was talking about Rosa Parks... _probably went home that night to vote for the BNP._

"What? Why?" Jamie askes "Is this because I smashed your Telly with a Wii remote after that very intense game of bowling...I already told you I thought the wrist string was optional...like an accessory or summat"

"Slow news night" Jordan said, gesturing to the camera in his hands. "That's what us journalists do for recreational passing...we're the most inexplicable" 

Jordan was shit at lying, he always ended up sounding like how a middle aged screenwriter think teenagers talk like. 

Silence threaded through the room and I tell you if there were crickets in concernt stadiums, they'd be having a blast right now.

"Ayeee, we'll do better on the list for best stage visuals." Al said, between breaths of laughter, making me and Jordan both frown simultaneously....he was enjoying our devious plotting. This was the ultimate tragic downfall. 

"Back to the dartboard?" Jordan suggested, passing me a fag.

"Yup" I said lighting it, the end flaring up like this plan.

  
_Dear David: fair game_

_David: 1_   
_Rue and Jordan: 0_

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵈᵃʳᵗ ᵐⁱˢˢⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵒᵃʳᵈ ᵃⁿᵈ ʰⁱᵗᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᴰᵃⁿ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"I look worse than I did at a noughties birthday party..." I said, meeting my reflection in the mirror with disgust, Jordan grinned, adding more hairspray to my almost permed hair. "...it's perfect, we're actually pretty mint at this...should we do this professionally?" 

"What, making people undateable, a visiable hazard or...haunted house extra costume design?" He asked pinching my sides causing me to yelp and tickle him back. 

The dartboard had dictated in it's infinite wisdom that I were to wear a yellow knitted jumper, a dunagrees, giant rainbow socks, a visibility jacket and crocs. It was like someone had pressed the random, option in creating an avatar on sims or Mii.

"It's like I'm creating the live action reboot of my 90s childhood trauma" I said with a grin, resting the Jordan's old glasses on the end of my nose. 

"Ain't got the charm of the original...but we'll get summat out of it?" He suggested as I rolled up my baggy sleeves. 

"We can only hope..." I muttered "Right so with this and the worst lines from Take Me Out, we should be good to go...if this doesn't work..."

He shook his head "Not gonna happen, trust me...as the writer of the book of breakups..." 

"Fair" I shrugged. 

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ˢᵗʳᵉˢˢᶠᵘˡ ᵐᵒᵐᵉⁿᵗˢ ᵒⁿ ᵖᵘᵇˡⁱᶜ ᵗʳᵃⁿˢᵖᵒʳᵗ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

I like to think that the monkeys NME award evening, with Josh Homme and other 'cool' rockstars went well, enjoyable dare I say. So it had to be destroyed. 

In a small group, they walked into the press room, smiles decorating their faces, a small glass award of some form in Jamie's hands.  
 _Ok, here goes._ Jordan and I ran towards them, pom poms in hand...the most exercise I had done in years, _fuck I was out of shape._

Smiles that were in the room, all turned into frowns when their eyes found us. "GIVE ME AN A" I said, with fake enthusasm raising my pom poms in the air, I nudged Jordan. 

"A..."He muttered, apathetically. 

"Give me an L" I said trying to create the letter with my arms. 

"L..." Jordan muttered once more, with even less emotion. Josh sniggered, Al stepped on his foot. 

"Give me a E" I cheered again...I have a feeling that if I was in America I would've been a little to cynical to be a cheerleader, if they even did exist and High School Musical didn't lie to me. 

When Jordan didn't join in a nudged him again "E!" He cheered in an annoyed tone. 

"Give me an-" 

"X" Jordan cut me off quickly, Alex grinned as I put down my pom poms next to a plant. Everyone else trying not to laugh too loudly. 

"Ayyyee, well done on winning...erm..." I looked over to Jordan who tried to sign it to me, I titled my head in confusion. "...best theft...wait no album. I hope you'll show equal support at the most journalist realated scandels awards evening...." 

That wasn't even a lie, I'm yet to win..

He grinned. "Oh 100%...with equal dress attire don't worry..." He leaned down and kissed me, infront of everyone, everyone that I just attempted to embarass him infront of. 

There were a few cheers and whistles, before his touch left mine. The trophy fell from Jamie's hands in shock and smashed on the floor. "You're so fucking perfect..." He laughed softly, cupping my hand in his, "infinite" 

He gave me a quick peck before giving into the press waiting to take their picture with the now...smashed reward. Jamie having to be dragged away, still in shock, by Nick who said "Explain later..." to me. 

I just stood there, with an even more confused Jordan "What just happened?" I asked, my voice cracking slightly. 

"I have no idea...but I think he's really in deep" Jordan said, baffled. 

"We're so fucked" I muttered.

_Dear David. How do you do it? Make everyone want to burn themselves alive when they talk to you?_

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ʰᵒᵘʳˢ ᵒᶠ ˢᶜʳᵒˡˡⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʰʳᵒᵘᵍʰ ᵐᵉᵐᵉˢ ᵘⁿᵗⁱˡ ʷᵉ ᶠᵉˡᵗ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

  
If there was one thing worse than going to a busy club when you were too tired, was going when you're going through withdrawls. _Not my idea._

  
If this was a retrospective Adam Sandler film, there would be a record scratch and a freeze frame of me being completely apathetic as I stirred my drink, surrounded by people having fun, and my voiceover will be like... **Yup that's me, you're probably wondering how I got here...well it all started in the autumn of 2013, with an old pal of mine, none other than Jordan 'fuck it up' Mckay...**

" _It's desperate times Rue and we're on a budget...according to the bible on angsty break-ups..." Jordan said gesturing to the book in his hand, some YA rom-com. "...being verbally and physically abusive keeps you together...but what breaks you apart is a love triangle with a slightly ethnically ambigious option, not enough to not have white parents, kissing them whilst you think your main abusive guy is cheating on you...wait no, you'll end up back together in two chapters..."_

_He continued to flick through the pages, as I vomited in the sink, everything aching and burning, more than James Corden doing fucking carpool karaoke._

_"Getting completely pissed...after one drink, actually brings you closer...that isn't too bad of an idea" Jordan said, letting me do my thing._

_"What isn't?" I asked, groaning before falling to the floor, curling up on the floor in attempt to stop the pain in my stomach...how did anyone survive this, it was worse than period cramps?_

_"Say you wanna watch a film or summat, and then skive it for a piss-up, we'll give him a phone call so he knows._ _Especially since it's the night before an interview...make it seem like he isn't the priority"_

  
_"...I don't want him to be upset..." I mumbled, between unholy disposals from my stomach._

  
_"Well the next dart says fake an affair with David-"_

_"I'm in" I said, standing up way too quickly for my current physical health. If that wasn't an omen I don't know what was._

So yeah, that's my tragic backstory I guess, how I ended up drinking apthetically like a sociopath.

Throughout my experience, I sort of mapped out the minor flaw of going out to get pissed...apart from lower life expectancy like ones of those adventure games, when you have to make choices.

In this scenerio you have two choices: **either you make a massive effort and wind up looking like a dick, or you make no effort and wind up looking like a dick**. And my problem, as always, was not knowing what kind of dick I wanted to be.

I was about four drinks in and already struggling to say awake...fucking withdrawls. "Boyfriend..." I said sternly when a bloke approached me with a drink, swiftly spinning on his heal and walking in the opposite direction as he did so, _because apparently men only respect your space when your under the status of another man._

Intoxicated with madness, the night winded down with the dimming lights. Turns out, pour smirdoff was what I needed to give me some form of energy _even though I hated the taste of it._

When that club closed, we had to jump to the next one. Problem is, Google still seems to think I'm eighty ever since I lied about age to get MySpace when I was like thirteen, so the club it recommended us, was purely for pensioners, who had somehow made the concept even better, which I didn't think was possible.

Me and Jordan started a cult of some form, whilst dancing to agadoo, starting a conga. We spent the night as the wingwomen of Sandra, the 73 year old yoga instuctor who was celebrating her hen do.

"Heyyyyyyyy Alex...ander..." Jordan shouted down the phone, over _Take On Me_ "...oh I'm aware of the time...yes Rue's here...."

"Ellllooooo" I shouted down the phone, exaggerating my pissed state.

"Oh is that _the_ Alexander?" Sandra asked, and I nodded, causing her and her pals to cheer.

"Rue? Where are you?" Al asked "Is that A-ha? Are you pissed?"

"Incredibly" I said "And you'll never find me...Mr Turner..." The music cut me off.

"You should invite him to our book club" One of Sandra's friends shouted over the music.

"Ok, I know where you are...give me ten minutes"He said before hanging up.

**ᵃ ᵐᵃᵏᵉʳⁱⁿᵃ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"I win...found you" He said wrapping his arms around me, and I stumbled into him. 

  
"Detective...." I teased "So I know I skived the film I insisted we watched...I have no excuses. I'm incredinly pissed right now...so much that I'm gonna end up fucking your interview tommorow...the betrayal of trust for my crippling alcoholism, and a elderly hen do"

"Sounds fun, I'm in" He said, the future wedding guests cheering, Sandra's friend Gil placing her plastic tiara on his head, and he cheered with them, taking two shots.

Me and Jordan just stared at him, completely baffled. "...you've got yourself a decent lad...one that doesn't care about how much trouble you are, more like he wants to be involved in it, he understands you and wants to protect you and lets you help yourself, instead of trying to help you. _It's terrible"_ He said and I nodded, unable to draw away my gaze from Al who danced with Sandra, to the YMCA.

Before he walked in the room was filled with art, when he stayed it was filled with him. His deep gaze mirroring dawn-the pinch of darkness that laced the exoctic colours of the sunset, illuminated with warmth.

He was never dark, I was just too afraid to look for stars.

I opened my mouth to say something equally as cynical but then the opening chords of Journey began to play, and I couldn't ignore it. "...we've still got on more dart...and two more nights, let's just let this one be" I said, letting myself drift to Al, "STRANGERS WAITING" We both sang along.

"STREETLIGHT PEOPLE...HIDING SOMEWHERE IN THE NIGHHTTT" We got the choir from the elderly and Jordan.

'DON'T STOP BELIEVIN" We all sang. HOLD "ON TO THE FEELIN. STREETLIGHTS PEOPLEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

_Dear David: why do you keep chosing angels? You'd be a terrible matchmaker_. 

ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ⁿⁱᵍʰᵗᵐᵃʳᵉˢ ⁱⁿᵛᵒˡᵛⁱⁿᵍ ᵈᵃⁿᶜⁱⁿᵍ ᵍʳᵃⁿᵈᵐᵃˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ..

  
Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as _...hell, everything has fucked itself into actual hell._

  
I turned the radio off, with it, Blur's Parklife. Maybe it was time to give up...I mean, it must be David right? He must be too good for us to sneak past.

Me and Jordan can't possibly be the problem, right?

Like a genie in a bottle, Jordan arrived, opening the door dramatically, holding two coffees and food. "Sandwhich..." He said, throwing it in my direction, I caught it.

"Coffee..." He said, throwing the cup to me.

"What? No, no, no!" I said but it was too late, the scolding coffee soaking my shirt.

"Got you! That one's empty, this is the real one" He said, joyfully, gesturing to the other cup. "I've been planning that for ages. The look on your face!" When he met my unimpressed glance he looked at the empty coffee cup in his hand and ran...

....straight into the door, falling to the ground. _Yeah, we weren't the problem._

Suddenly the landline rang from the otherside of the room. "Jordan...the phone is closer to you" I said lazily, and when there was no answer, not even Jordan purposefully moving further away, I sat up. He stared at me, completely dazed. "...right yeah...you're concussed aren't you?" He laughed suddenly. Typical.

"You better be dying" I said simply as I answered the phone.

"You think I wanna spend my afternoons being verbally abused by a fucking chav?" He asked and I rolled my eyes. "Two days..."

I stared out the window, where Jamie and Al were on the streets outside, having a smoke, Jamie must of said something silly, Al laughed alongside Jamie and he pushed him and pull his coat over his head. In all the world, there was no heart it deserved other than his, none for me than his. In all the world there was no love, than that of his smile.

"No" I breathed.

There was a silence on the other end of the phone, and I like to imagine he stopped writing and paused. "What?"

"I can't...I won't, I can't do this..." I said, my heart burning under the weight of his...the inevitable shards it will become. "I don't want to hurt him...why? Why David? Why are you fucking doing this to me, and don't you say the fucking media"

"You know why" I said apathetically, and my hand tightened around my phone. "We're the same sin...the same guilt, the same danger. We're two different sides of the same mirror...you're in my reflection and I, yours. You did this to me"

"We are who we are for a reason..." I muttered, closing my eyes as the memories fell through the cracks of those words.

"You're my reason, and now I'm you..." He said and I shook my head.

"Fuck off David, you're the one who betrayed me" I said " I don't want to hurt him, make him fall in love with me for the sake of fucking bet-" He hung up, and I groaned throwing my phone across the room.

"Who's David?" Kierra's voice surprised me, and I turned around slowly. "Isn't he your manager...what's he got to do with yoir relationship with Al?"

 _Everything_.

She paused for a second, drawing the conclusions quickly, her eyes instantly darkening. "Fuck...you...he..." She muttered beneath her breathe, emotions conflicting her. "I defended you"

"Kier-"

"Don't you fucking dare!" She said sternly "I trusted you, I looked past your fucking job, I fucking paid you...he was right! Oh fuck, I thought he was being paronoid about their being summat fucked about you. That you were up to summat. Was it all a lie then? Is that why you came here in the first place...for a bet? Entertainment? Fucking journalists...you really are the scum of the earth. You're not hurting him, after everything he's been through? It'll kill him. You're not touching him, not when I-"

My hand slipped in my pocket and I quickly pointed a knife a pulled out, in front of here. "Do it...I dare you" I said simply. "You fucking whisper a word to him..."

"You'll what?" She asked, her voice lowered. "You'll kill me? Really? That's all you lot know how to do, no one ever leaves the streets of crime, Rue...or should I even call you that?"

I smirked "Oh I'm still Rue...and I never claimed to. Wouldn't be the first time I've gotten rid of someone. I did me homework Kierra...you've been claiming a lot of shit on expenses...some irregularities in their bank accounts. I may be a criminal, but you, you are nothing but a fucking theif. You talk...you'll talk to the police"

She scoffed. "I value those I love more than I fear what some southerner is gonna do to me...yeah I said it, Yorkshire is the fucking south for us Geordies. Unlike you...I don't fear prison. You tell him, tommorow, or I will" She said simply before shuvving past  
me and leaving the room, slamming the door.

' _I value those I love more than I fear what a southerner will do to me_ '. That's why I was fucked, because if any of this proved anything...it was that I could never be strong enough to do the same.

_Dear David, here comes the chaos, she'll be beautiful._

Rue x  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	32. Practice Makes Perfect, Ha Ha, I Don't Think So, Ignore Me Sobbing

**CAUSE IT MIGHT BREAK** if I give you my heart and you hold on too hard  
⤷𝓶𝓪𝓱𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓪

  
────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆────────

_one day remaining..._

  
I like to think I handled this situation in a calm and rational manner. Ok, yes of course having a breakdown worked. Breakdowns work anywhere. They are magic and should be worshiped

This crisis seemed to only really be described as being like a poster that hung in my nursery classroom. It was an ugly shade of yellow, featuring a labelled grid of cartoon faces displaying various emotions. The ballooning letters rised from the nearly-forgotten memory and danced past him like a nightmarishly cheerful parade, cartoon faces proclaiming their emotions in big capital letters: _CONFUSED! DOUBTFUL! SURPRISED!_

I sat on the edge of the roof, tapping my fingers on my knee nervously. I let my body fall onto my back, the sky above me was the colour of a telly, tuned to a dead channel, as it rained. I had no urge to run, not when I left that part of me with Al. I could just tell the truth, but David would get what he wanted. _CONFUSED!_

I could try blackmailing her again, or maybe I could go to a fancy gala, wear a black gown, meeting a man with a tux. After we dance, he leaves suddenly and I meet him outside. He's stolen the Declaration of Independence and this is National Treasure. 

Ok, so maybe I play Nickolas Cage films in my head when I'm nervous...the next best drug. _DOUBTFUL!_

I extinguished the cigarette that rested between my fingers, it diluted the withdrawls. I climbed down the ladder and tried to open the window, but it was locked on the inside. 

_Because of course if fucking was, why wouldn't it be?_

I looked through to see Jordan sat on his bed, shining the desk lamp back and fourth onto his face. I called him. "Hello, Matt speaking..." He said.

"Jordan, you're still concussed?" I asked, "You should call the NHS"

"Who is this, Matt?" He asked "Wait, it couldn't be Matt, I'm Matt" 

"I can't open the window Jordan, without the key. I went on the roof for a smoke..." I said, yawning...it was way too early for this. 

"You got locked outside a 7am because you went for a morning parkour session for chain smokers?" He asked "This must be Rue"

"Yes-"

"HELLO RUE" He cheered joyfully. "How may I help you?"

"Can you just unlock the window?" I asked, suddenly realizing that I now desperately needed the loo, because of course I did. 

"Absolutely" He said and I sighed in relief. There was a moment of silrnce and he didn't move. 

"Well?" I asked. 

"Very well thank you" He said "How are you? I'll put you on speaker phone..." He began putting the phone down.

"No wait Jordan, don't hang-" I began, and groaned when he did. I stood up, getting ready to Peter Parker my way out of this situation, as I climbed awkwardly to the other windows, almost giving an oldman a heartattack. 

Luckily Al's window was already open when I fell through it and groaned as I stared up at the ceiling _...ow, for fucks sake, Troy Bolton made it look so easy!_

"Morning to you too..." He said with an upside grin above me. I laughed, my fingertips reaching up to pinch his nose, his thumb traced my eyes and eyebrows, purposefully messing them up...bitch. I pulled him down to the floor with me.

"...The last day..." I whispered, as his touch laced past my hair and traced my cheek. 

He gave me a soft smile. "Last of one days, one moment...not all of them" He corrected me, I tried to hide my disappointment. "What ever happens tommorow...we still have today"

_Tell him, or I will._

"Everyone's packing up, before you go to the south, there's a lot of shit to do..." I began, wondering whatever his plan would be, _what if,_ there was no David. It couldn't work out anyway. "...so do you wanna, disappear?" 

He grinned "With you, always do" He said and I groaned at the cringe, he laughed as he helped me up to my feet, opening the window because door and stairs are too high maintenance. 

He offered out his hand, mine falling into his easily, drawing dreams in my mind and colours in my heart. Fuck. 

_**ᵃ ᶜᵒᵘᵖˡᵉ ᵒᶠ ˢᵗᵒⁿᵉˢ ⁱⁿ ᵐᵉ ˢʰᵒᵉˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ** _

"I can't believe you'd betrayed me like that..." I said, "Can't believe you'd go to Disneyland without me" 

"What can I say...I'm evil" He said, his arm slipping through my waist, pulling my closer as I remained focused on the chatterbox in my hand. 

"Ok...pick another number...maybe it'll be a good one this time" I said. 

"All of them have been good, I get a castle" He said and I sighed, hoping that maybe the folded piece of paper could teleport us to Austraila. I looked up to him "...fine, 8"

"Ahah...I get me own spaceship, just me and ten cats" I cheered, lifting my arms in the air, and spinning around infront of him in victory. I bumped into him and he caught me before I could hit the floor. 

"Nah, I wanted the space cats" He complained. "...Six month trip? I'm coming with...one long game of wink murder with the cats"

"Not a chance, you'd probably spend the whole trip writing an album about space!" I said and he thought about it for a moment, before he tickled mysides, I squealed and jumped on his back in an attempt to knock him to the ground. He laughed as he span around quickly, I held on but I fell off soon after, pulling him down with me, the two of us falling the ground and instantly rolling down the grass hill. 

  
I crashed ontop of him, rested my hands on his chest, using them as a chinrest. "Love to see that I'm a crashmat to you" He laughed and I grinned.

"Course...what else you good for?"I teased, leaning into to kiss him, like his touch was air and I didn't know how to breathe.

He wrapped his arms around my waist, which turned out to be a bad idea as we both ended up rolling down the test of the hill, _crushing me not sold seperately._ On the bottom of the hill with bruised, we lay, laughing. "I think me head rolled further than me...all the way down to Coventry" I said, rubbing my forehead.

" _You've gotta roll with it"_ He sang " _You've gotta take your time"_

" _You gotta say what you say_ " I sang along, between breaths of laughter. " _Don't let anybody get in your way, cause it's all too much for me to taakkkeee"_ I helped him up to his feet, and we brushed thr mud off our clothes. 

  
"Onwards..." He declared, pointing in a random direction as he was still dizzy as fuck.

I let him take my hand into his, my common sense with him as we ran and I was too  
busy being enchanted and completely focused on his bewilderment and wonder, his happiness as he jumped the fence to the kid's playground,

Yeah, that's a sentence that I don't want to have to justify in the future...I'm not a nonce.

I instantly went for the empty swings, standing on the seat and tilting my body back and fourth to make small movements. I twisted the chains as far as I could, but letting it unwrap, the swing spinning quickly.

"Forget the cats...I'll end up in space meself if I do that any higher...and drag you with me" I said, moving with more momentum, making the swing shoot higher.

"Nah, you've got the strength of a victorian paper boy" He said and I smirked, not waiting for the swing to slow down before jumping off and running behind him.

I pushed him with all of my strength...which to put things into context, wasn't that much. Al screamed in shock, holding onto the swing's metal chain as tight as he could.

When he swung back, I pushed him again and this time he didn't scream as loudly, it was still an overdramatic, horror film auditon worthy scream...but still, character development. "Ok, I take it back" He said laughing, as I let the swing slowdown, "But I still bet I could get higher than you

I climbed back onto my own swing. "Dream on Elvis" I pushed my legs back and fourth quickly, as Al began to overtake my height. 

Well technically, I didn't win that one as for some reason his fucked self decided to mix up communication between my head and my body, resulting in me accidently throwing myself off the swing when it was at it's peak. The crash wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, just me laughing in the cold leaves. 

**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ˡᵉᵃᵛᵉ ᵖᵘⁿˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...**

"I don't believe it...the day Matt doesn't put the washing out...it's not rained" Al said, trying not to let the chocolate from his Sainsbury's rip off Magnum fall onto the floor, as he sat on the spring motorcycle. 

  
"Yeah, we haven't had the sun out since August..." I said, laughing as he lost his grip and fell of, dropping half of his ice cream on the floor. "That's what you get for buying a Magnum"

He threw a small pile of leaves in my vague direction. "Says you" He said, sitting up, I grinned with my 99 flake, and tried to climb out of seat, falling and landing on the floor, Al's laughed loudly.

I picked myself up from the ground, alongside a handful of leaves and threw it at him, he ducked behind the duck slide, throwing the odd leaf to at me.

"Ok, Ok, I surrender" He said coming out from behind the tree, I watched him suspicously...should I vote him out? I let my guard down, and he walked over to me, with his hands behind his back, and dumped a large pile of wet leaves over me.

_Top 10 Greatest Anime Betrayals._

"Fuck you" I said, scooping up as much leaves as I could before running after him, he laughed like manaic as he ran across the park, back onto the fields.

By the time I had jumped on him with the leaves he had already began to stumble on the hill because he was going too fast, and we had gone full circle, rolling down to the bottom of the hill near the lake. "We're gonna need our own personal ambulance on site now..." I said as stood up, laughing.

"There would be no injuries if you weren't so petty" He teased with a sly grin as he pulled himself to his feet. I rolled my eyes and pushed him quickly and he landed in the shallow water.

"You just proved me point!" He said as he stood up, laughing, coughing a little. I hit his arm lightly a few times, before I jumped onto his back, sending us both in the water.

He broke the surface of the water a little after me, spashing small waves of water towards me, my actions were reciprical: splashing him with one big wave of water before swimming away when it was deep enough to do so. "What?" I asked, when I stood up again, and he hadn't moved. "Wait...you really can't swim can you?"

He placed his hands on his hips, not impressed. "No, just don't really fancy going further into cold water..." He began, hesistant.

I grinned, drifting closer to him. "...there's a lot of weeds, don't want to get trapped..." He continued to ramble, and I moved his hand that resting on the back of his neck mervously, interwhining it with my own. "...there's probably ducks as well, don't want to disturb them" I shifted further back, taking him with me slowly. "...and it's almost December"

"Of course" I said with a small smile "You've just got to kick your legs, just a little" I added when it began to get too deep to stand crouched.

His grip aroubd me tightly, and I brought us closer to the shallow area, him kicking a little. As soon as we were at the side, stood up quickly, clearly not trusted me.

The sunlight began to fade into him, he wasn't doing much, just grinning beneath it's embrace...holding the universe together. His eyes didn't notice mine, but it didn't matter, because all that was best of dark and light did, and melted beneath him. Time vanished and enternity arised, only for that one moment, beacause of the trails of unexplored passion that delved within him, the wildfire of music that became him...because if him, we had the stars.

 _For one moment_.

"Mahalia" I whispered, the words directly falling from my heart, that I couldn't hold onto.

"What?" He asked me. _Tell him or I will._

"Mahalia" I said louder, "That's me name"

Within that moment he drifted towards me, cupping my cheeks and kissing me, killing me. "Like the singer?" He asked me and I rolled my eyes.

"Exactly like the singer..." I muttered "I never hear the end of it"

"Fuck you" He said, laughing "I thought it would be summat shit, that I could bully you with...like a Jaqueline Wilson book name, but no..." I splashed him pathetically, wrapping my arms around his neck and connecting us again.

"It's bad enough...try having a name in England that ends with and a" I said and he laughed. "Mahali-ugghhhh"

"Can I..." He hesistated "Can I call you...?" I bit my lip.

"Not fair though...only if I get to call you summat else" I said "I hearby baptize you Peter File"

He thought for a moment "You can call me Alexander..." He began "If you like" He shrugged.

"Nah...why would I do that?"I teased, swaying to the side. " _Alexander_ " I whispered .

"Oh fuck" He muttered, before kissing me quickly, and I nearly fell back into the water.

Within the fading daylight, he wore myself better than I ever did, whatever souls were made of, ours were the same.

"I've fallen deep" He mumbled, his cold hands tracing patterns in on my cheeks. "I love you, so fucking much, you have a place in my heart heart that no one else ever could. Every minute, moment, every beat of my heart is winded with you. I see you, I feel you and all the stars fade away, every fear, every thought within me and the rest of the world give way to you...I'm so fucking in love with you"

And then there was nothing, no day, no no night, no time, no life. No heartbeat in me.

"What?" My voice cracked "No...you can't"

He looked confused, and a little hurt "And yet I still do...it's you, you're here with me now, and it maybe never always was...but it's true"

"No, no, no...please don't" I muttered, my heart burning with everything, breaking, gone.

"Why?" He asked "Do you not?"

His worried glance met mine, and I never fell deeper. _No, no I don't, it's all a fucking lie, all for a stupid bet, if you do this-_

But what would I get out of lying to myself, when all my heart ever talked about was him?

"I don't understand..and I'll never understand why and what I feel about you..all I know is that I seemed to be deeply infatuated with you, when you're around the thought of it doesn't seem so dangerous anymore. Without you it's a confusing puzzle, that's infurating and I need you there to make sense of it all. Kind of like drugs, you make me feel...euphoric. So yeah, I love you Alexander, always and ever you. I wasn't supposed to, I never wished I would..but fuck, what a plost twist you were. I just want to stay with you...it's as simple and complicated as that"

He could finally breathe again. Everything was asleep, and there was nothing left for me. _Tell him, or I will._

"There's something you should know..." I muttered against his shoulder. He hummed in response. "It's not what you think, it's all..." I began but they my eyes fell into his. _Do it, break his heart, tell him or I will, if looks could kill, I think Alex Turner has a staring problem, even the idea disgusts him how am I suppose to make him fall in love with him?, just breathe, it isn't real, let it be real, stop running, let's have a bet you and I, I killed someone, I can't run., just breathe, don't let the heartbreak flow both ways-_

"Mahalia..." He said softly, letting my escape my own mind.

"Erm..." I began, Tell him or I will. "We should get out of the water before we get hyperthermia"

"Oh yeah" He said, laughing nervously as I began to climb out of the lake.

With the sunset, our two shadows winded down to the ground beneath the tree, interwined, his embrace around was warm and comforting, just like the heat that was fading away with the day. He rested his head against my shoulder as he read his John Cooper Clarke poetry, oh what a feeling that was, the weight of the infinitve creativity that maintained itself within his head. 

I flicked through the oages of David's fucking diary, knowing that with the last day it would something...emotive.

 _Dear David you're a nonce_.

The daylight fell further, with the infatuation I felt for him, I fell for the stars, the ones in the sky, the ones he was but inevitably I got too close and burned myself and everything around me.

_Dear David..._

_Do you even realize what this feels like David? You've placed a gun to my forehead with one's of your dead, lifeless fingers pressed firmly against the trigger, and then you looked at me in the eye with nothing but pure malice dripping from your expression. You opened your mouth and ignored my pleas for help to whisper, 'go ahead, choose Rue, it's your choice', almost as if it were my decision in the first place. But I could feel the cold metal pressed firmly against my skull even as I opened my mouth to reply, so instictively, I chose myself, my kin._

_Of course I did, because you know me David, you know who I am, where I'm from. Everything happens for a reason and we are who we are for a reason. I chose myself, recently I haven't been, but it doesn't matter how much I changed because in the end...I still chose myself over him._

_So you turned the gun around and shoved it into my waiting hands. And despite the fact that my finger trembled and my heart screamed for a different solution, I raised my hand and pointed the gun directly at Alex Turner's heart._

_You want me to pull the trigger David. You need me to pierce his heart so thorougly and intentially that I break him so much he can't glue himself back together again._

_But it seems your plan has backfired- or maybe this is how you wanted it to be all along. Because when I finally pull that trigger, when I let the bullet sing through the air, I'm afraid the gun is going to explode and strike me too._

_I did this, this was my choice, a stranger for my family. I could've done it differently, I denied it before but I know...I could've been less crueler, he didn't have to fall so deep. I let him, I made him, because in the end it was all a front, the person he fell for wasn't real, like you know, if he met the real me...Mahaila Nya Marsh, the criminal, the liar, the woman without a heart, he wouldn't have fallen so quickly._

_So I made up a women he would of, Rue. My choice. My fault, whatever I feel now I know that I deserve it._

"What's that?" Al mumbled tiredly, opening his eyes.

"Nothing" I whispered, closing the black journal on my lap, and putting in back in my bag. I leaned back into him and he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close. I closed my eyes. "I don't want to ever wake up"

"You're not asleep" He whispered, and I smiled a little.

"Course I am...you're just a dream..." I whispered and he laughed, "Everything is all a simulation"

"Nothing's real" He mocked. "Everything we know is lie"

"Yeah, wouldn't that be summat?"

You tell him or I will.

_Dear David, two fucking hours left._

  
_**ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ᵗᵉᶜʰⁿⁱᶜᵃˡ ᵈⁱᶠᶠⁱᶜᵘˡᵗⁱᵉˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ...** _

  
23: 30

That was it, only half an hour left.

"Are you sure?" Jordan asked, sitting on the edge of his bed...because apparently all it took to bring him back was another knock on the head. "There has to be another way Rue...there always is"

I sighed, letting the end of the cigarrette singe holes into my jeans. "No...we have half an hour left, Jordan, I'm not running away...not yet, not until we've told him the truth"

"Do you want me to be here-" He began

"No" I said, "You don't deserve that"

"This was my fault as much as yours Rue, I was there I could've..." Jordan trailed off as my gaze met him.

"Everything happens for a reason..." I said and he sighed heavily.

"It doesn't have to" Jordan assured me "Rue, I love you, you know I do...but _this_ isn't you, it isn't me and isn't us. We're not their puppets, to force us to gamble, to sacifice for our own kin...to lie, to steal. We've only ever done that when we wanted to"

And then it all stopped. Shit, shit shit.

DING DING, 10 POINTS TO SLYTHERIN

"It is..." I mumbled, looking up to him slowly. "Fuck...it is, it is to him" I said a little louder, standing up suddenly.

"Rue-"

"I remembered...I've figured it out, what we can use against him, fuck I was so stupid, how couldn't I thought of it?" I began to pace up and down the room, a habit I stole off Al "Jordan, genius" I pointed at him.

"Mind reminding me what I discovered...so I can explain it in my six part Netflix series?" He said and I wrapped my arms around his neck, attacking his face with kisses.

"Brilliant, I love you so much" I said, "Jordan...David has done summat, him and his fucked family...worse than anything his lot usually do. All of this blackmailing is to save his place in the paper...Jordan, what I know, will destory the paper itself, he'll lose everything..."

His eyes lit up "Why the fuck didn't you mention it like...I don't know, nine dilemas ago?" He asked, my excitement diluted.

"Because it was unthinkable...I made a promise to him a long time ago, so much so that I completely forgot about it...it was that bad" I said, "I never break them, but he did first and too be honest, Al is more than any promise I can make to anyone, ever"

"Ok-ay..." Jordan mumbled awkwardly. "So what is it?"

I grinned, reaching for my phone. But it was too late. My watched beeped.

00:00

"What's what?" David's ugly, stupid fucking useless voice rang through the room. I turned around slowly. "Time's up Rue...who won the bet?"

"For fuck's sake" I mumbled, _yeah, the universe officially hates me so fucking much._

If this was a CBBC drama, this was definitly be the bit when there would be like a loud symbol crash and it would then cut to the adverts. "I did..." I said carefully. "But you still lose"

He gave me a confused look. "How so?"

"Because...I know what you did, so if you want to threaten me David, I'll do it better. Drop this, fuck off to your holiday home in Greece-"

"Spain" He corrected me.

"Or I'll destroy you, and _your_ scum family...along with the entire company. Because I can do that..." I said and his eyes darkened. "Elizabeth Brand"

"You wouldn't" He muttered and I smirked.

"You know I would" I said "You fuck me over, I fuck you..wait no, you know what I mean. Mutually Assured Destruction. Now get the fuck out of me sight, you venimous, cretinus, lying, backstabbing, psychotic cunt!" I shouted

"What's going on?" Al asked ad he walked into the room, looking around confused.

"David was just leaving" Jordan said, giving David a threatening look.

"Oh was I? I don't think we're done here" David said bitterly. Al gave him an dirty look.

"Fuck off David, if they don't want you here, you should leave" Al said sternly. "Oh perhaps I'll call your Daddy, see if he wants his paper bycotted"

David's look stricten for a moment, but of course it passed and a smirk fell across his lips. "Oh right, of course, my bad..." He said putting his hands up in surrender "Good one you've got their Rue, you could've fooled me, I don't know how you do it, I mean you almost had me convinced that you actually loved him, but alas..."

Fuck.

David began to leave, slowly. "What?" Al asked "What the fuck you talking about?"

David grinned. "Don't you dare-" I began.

"Oh, so she didn't tell you?" David mused, looking between the two of us. "She didn't actually do it...for a minute Rue, you really had me believe you had won our little bet"

"What bet?" Al asked, his voice beginning to shake.

"Oh right of course...well I guess I'll have to pick up where she failed" He said. "None of this is real"

"Shut up!" I said and he laughed.

"What isn't?" Al asked.

David grinned. "Why do you think she came over here, Turner? Do you think journalists just get paid to hang out with a band? Your drummer hired her in that pub because I sent her, because I told her to find you. Do you think a journalist...a woman like her, could really tolerate someone like you? Someone so out of touch, someone who has never had to work for anything in their life, who wasn't even here when the biggest tradegy to the north happened?"

"I don't understand" Alex said, his voice cracked.

"Do you think she loves you Turner? Do you think any of that was real...how can anyone fall in love in less than two months? Wake up, what did you think was gonna happen, she was gonna quit her job and run away with you on your tour? She was never going to, she doesn't love you Turner...you wanna know why? Because I sent her here to trick you into falling in love with you, so we could use you, and your pathetic emotional self to get a good story out of it"

"Shut up!" He shouted, tears beginning to escape his eyes. "You're lying, you don't know anything!"

David seemed amused by this. "Why? Was it because she opened up to you?" He taunted. "Let me guess, you were constantly fighting and you hated her, but then things changed when you began to open up to her, you became friendly and then you began to fall for her? Why? Was it because she took you out, to cause some politically motivated damage? To be rebeliious and break into places, to have fun in the middle of the night? Taught you to not give a fuck and forget about the past? Or pehaps you changed her and she was no longer an evil journalist"

Al shook his eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks. "You're lying" Was all I could say. "Don't listen to him, he's a fucking-"

"Was it because she told you her dark past, the fact that she killed someone? Or maybe she even told you her real name was Mahaila" He said, and Al actually looked to him. "Yeah...that's such a revelation, that even I knew it, because that's what she does Alex, that's all she's fucking good for. How do you think she met Michael? Gangleader? I send her in, and you'll fall for her, every single fucking time. That's what she is, a fucking whore Alex, someone who'll break anyone to keep her job"

"I don't believe you..." He said steadily, l could feel his heart shattering, shards throbbing under my skin like a broken bass line. Soothing, painful, dead. "I won't"

David gave him a bored sigh. "Well, I guess you'll have to wait for tommorow's paper, it'll contain all the shit I've made up and she didn't tell me...like sneaking into cinemas, spontaneous roadtrips, rouge turkey's, roof cigarettes and jewels in a goose's rectum" He said sarcastically, and my stomach clenched. 

Al's eyes finally found the strength to find mine. "Tell me, please tell me it isn't true" He pleaded and I had to hold back a sob. "Just say summat...anything, please tell me"

"I can't...I can't lie to you anymore Al" I said quietly. "It wasn't real"

In that moment his perfect eyes, the ghosts that haunted my sketchbook fell through a vortex of emotions.

I knew I had broke him, with each colour that ebbed and flowed through his gaze like shooting stars, each new colour, new constellation falling into place. One of grief, shock, fear and finally anger.He was made of outer space and now it haunted me. "You lied to me" Was all he managed to say, his voice breaking.

"I didn't want to, please Al, remember what I told you? I can never run from him, I had no choice-" I tried but he shook his head.

"Everyone has a choice Rue" He whispered "I just wasn't yours...I thought you actually loved me, for once, I thought, I had fallen for someone, who wouldn't hurt me, I was the deepest I had ever been. So what? At every moment, everything you told me, everything we did, said, everything we were, you want to tell me it meant nothing to you, and you didn't ever feel anything towards me?"

I bit my tongue, closing my eyes, unable to control the tears any longer. "Never...I'm sorry"

"I meant everything I said...I still do" Al's eyes fell into a glassy trance as he held back a sob. "You used me, I don't even fucking know why...why me?"

"I don't know" I said looking back to David "I really have no fucking clue. I never wanted to Al, even before I met you"

"But you did" Al said. "Because you only thought about yourself, like you always do. You were only ever worried about what you would lose, not anyone else. You don't that's why you used someone else's heart as a game, a fucking bet of all things. It's why you let me fall for you, even though you knew what would happen. You knew what it would do to you, you didn't care about what it would do to me"

"You're cruel, emotionless and you don't know what to do when people care about you...when people are fucking clinically insane enough to care about you..." Al wiped his eyes, sniffing softly. "You're a fucked person Rue...and you disgust me" His words pierced through my chest,sharpened and crafted through misery, shattering my entire existance in one movement.

"Welcome to the media" David mumbled, bored.

As soon as the door shut I fell to the floor, everything crashing with me. Jodan wrapped his arms around me, everything crumbled completly as I fel into a abyss of despair.

The remaining shards and tears of my heart binding together into one cold, rusting, emotionless blanket that began to choke my chest. With sharp edges and nails digging into the sides of it.

"Shit..." David said uncomfortably "You really did love him, huh?"

The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was just gone.

I had just lost everything.

And I felt nothing.  
  
  



	33. 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐀𝐑𝐃 𝐎𝐅 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒

**FAKE TALES OF NORTHERN ROMANCE.**

" _There's no such thing as love" The story of rockstar Alex Turner, and journalist Rue Marsh._ pg 2

𝙰𝚕𝚎𝚡𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚃𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚊 𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚊 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚛𝚒𝚍𝚍𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚍𝚛𝚞𝚐𝚜, 𝚊𝚕𝚌𝚘𝚑𝚘𝚕 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚋𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚔 𝚞𝚙𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚊𝚕𝚋𝚞𝚖, 𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚘𝚙 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚋𝚞𝚖 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚜. 

𝙰𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚙𝚕𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚏𝚎𝚖𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚝 and 𝚖𝚘𝚍𝚎𝚕, 𝚂𝚘𝚏ì𝚊 𝚁𝚊𝚖𝚘𝚜, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚘𝚌𝚔 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚡𝚞𝚊𝚕 𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚜𝚘𝚗: 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚒𝚊𝚕 𝚓𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝, 𝚁𝚞𝚎 𝙼𝚊𝚛𝚜𝚑. 

𝚂𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚌𝚛𝚘𝚜𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚏 𝙽𝙼𝙴, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝙼𝚊𝚒𝚕 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚙𝚕𝚘𝚖𝚊𝚌𝚢 𝚘𝚏 𝚐𝚘𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚙 𝚖𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚣𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚜, 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 '𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝' 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙. 𝚃𝚛𝚞𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗.

𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚕𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚜, 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝙸𝚛𝚊𝚚 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚜𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚣𝚎, 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚊 𝚌𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚓𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚜 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛. 𝙱𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚊, 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚢𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚐𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚎𝚛.

𝙰𝚙𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚕𝚢 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚖 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚎𝚛 𝚍𝚛𝚞𝚐 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚙𝚒𝚗 𝙼𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚎𝚕 𝙰𝚛𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚛, 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚛. "𝙸 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚗𝚐𝚎" 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚍. "𝙸𝚝'𝚜 𝚊𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎" 𝚂𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚏𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚒𝚗 𝚂𝚎𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚕𝚕 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚞𝚜 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊 𝚘𝚍𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗, 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚏𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚒𝚗 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚒𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚎𝚡𝚒𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚛. 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔.

𝙷𝚎𝚛 𝚎𝚐𝚘𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚖 𝚋𝚊𝚏𝚏𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚎, 𝚜𝚘 𝙸 𝚘𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚊 𝚋𝚎𝚝. 𝚂𝚘 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚏𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚒𝚗 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞? 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚞𝚋𝚝 𝚊𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛 '𝚜𝚔𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚜'. _𝙿𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚍𝚍𝚜...𝚠𝚑𝚘'𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚞𝚙 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚘𝚝?_ 𝚂𝚘 𝙸 𝚒𝚗𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚎𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚏 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚌𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚜, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚏𝚊𝚖𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝙰𝚛𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚌 𝙼𝚘𝚗𝚔𝚎𝚢𝚜, 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚖𝚊𝚗, 𝙰𝚕𝚎𝚡 𝚃𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚛. "𝙴𝚊𝚜𝚢" 𝚂𝚑𝚎'𝚍 𝚜𝚊𝚢.

"𝙸𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚐𝚒𝚌, 𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝙸 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚍𝚘 𝚒𝚝" 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚛. "𝙷𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝, 𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚊 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚗𝚘 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚎 𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚊𝚕𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝, 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚎𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚌𝚞𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚊𝚛𝚎"

  
𝙸𝚗 𝚠𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚜, 𝙼𝚒𝚜𝚜 𝙼𝚊𝚛𝚜𝚑 𝚜𝚎𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚗 𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚝, 𝚊𝚌𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚘𝚗𝚒𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝙹𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚊𝚗 𝙼𝚌𝚔𝚊𝚢, 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚖 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚎𝚕 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚖, 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔, 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚗𝚘 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚎𝚜𝚌𝚊𝚙𝚒𝚗𝚐.

  
"𝙸𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚊 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢" 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚍. "𝙰𝚕𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚎𝚜𝚌𝚊𝚙𝚎𝚍, 𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚝 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝, 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚕𝚢"

𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚊𝚜 𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚝, 𝚏𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚊 𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚞𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚍. 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚖𝚎𝚕𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚓𝚘𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙. "𝙲𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚔𝚎𝚎𝚙 𝚑𝚒𝚖 𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚖𝚎, 𝚒𝚏 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚊 𝚋𝚎𝚝, 𝙸'𝚍 𝚋𝚎 𝚙𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚏𝚏"

𝙸𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚏𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚛, 𝚊𝚕𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚝𝚘 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚕𝚞𝚍𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚎𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚜. "𝚃𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜...𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚘𝚗𝚎" 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚕𝚘𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍.

𝚂𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚘 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚔𝚜, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚍𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚜 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚊𝚢 𝚠𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛, _𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚋𝚘𝚝𝚑 𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜, 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚑𝚒𝚖 𝚝𝚘𝚘?_ 𝙸 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚌𝚞𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜, 𝚜𝚘 𝙸 𝚊𝚜𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛. 

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍, 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎. "𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚏𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚒𝚗 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎...𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚒𝚏 𝙸 𝚍𝚒𝚍, 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝙸 𝚋𝚎 𝚏𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚘𝚛, 𝚒𝚏 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚑𝚒𝚖? 𝙰 𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚘 𝚍𝚎𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚞𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝚑𝚒𝚖𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚌?" 𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜, 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚋𝚎𝚝, 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚁𝚞𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚘𝚢𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜

𝙰𝚗 𝚞𝚗𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚞𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚒𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚢, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙼𝚒𝚜𝚜 𝙼𝚊𝚛𝚜𝚑 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚘𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚒𝚏 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚐𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞.

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝙰𝚕𝚎𝚡 𝚃𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚛-

𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕, 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚊, 𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚗'𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚝, 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚍.

_Opinion piece, written by David Smith._

"Bollocks" Jordan said, if people could hold newspapers agressively, that's exactly what he was doing. "How is _that_ journalism?" 

"We can all use big words David" I mumbled, leaning my head against the surface of the bar "It's not journalism...is fucking vengence, I mean I had me suspicions before, but he really took it far" 

"Petty little shit...he makes you look reasonable" Jordan said, closing the newspaper and putting it down dramatically. 

"More drinks?" Dan offered, and we didn't even have to confirm before he passed us another pint each. "So you're really leaving?" 

I knew why we were really here, Jordan didn't trust me, not to relapse, to go back and fuck myself over until my bloodstream became drugs. To be honest I didn't trust myself, but I knew I couldn't let myself fall again...I wasn't that egocentric, destroying myself because I broke him? To guilt trip him? To make it about myself so I could hurt on the level he was? No, I made sure I didn't. 

Jordan sighed "Nothing much for us left here, we're probably gonna end up in Durham again, hopefully will get to do some long project. Maybe we'll get lucky and get to go to Tenby for that cycling race" He said, "Right Rue?" I hummed in response. Staring at my empty pint, apathetically. "...strangely enough, I think I may miss this place...I'll miss....there's not much here...apart from Dan, I'll miss you Dan" 

Dan smirked, passing another drink "I'll miss you too Jordan...and Arabella" He said and Jordan smiled sadly. "I'll miss you too Rue, although I won't have to pay so much insurance when you're gone..." I gave him a small smile, although it used up a lot of my energy. 

"That bad?" Dan mouthed to Jordan when he thought I wasn't looking and he nodded, Dan thought for a moment, and then began collecting a dozen of pint glasses together.

"Sometimes, whenever I get pissed about me landlord or tories, I like to really...let it all go" Before he could elobarate he picked up a pint glass and threw it across the room. We both ducked, as it missed our heads and smashed against the wall behind us. _Thankfully there was no one else in the pub at 3am._

Jordan grinned, climbing over the bar and grabbing a pint glass and throwing it across the pool table, it smashing against the wall. 

I imagined David's stupid face as anger burned under my skin like steam, the fuse that Alex had lit so long ago, the one I trying not to light had been burned out and relit by pain and anger. 

Venom screamed and encircled me until I finally exploded throwing the glass across the room in rage, it smashed against the wall and I imagined it as David's face, him dead. I wanted him to suffer like I did, I wanted him in pain, to overdose. " _What would you do, if you were to die?"_ His voice burned through me and I stopped. 

"I'd regret" The words hit me for the first time. I wasn't running from the pain anymore, the past, but avoiding it was just as bad. "I'd change us, and everything that happened, everything we did" 

I held onto the empty pint glass, it was anger and pain that brought us here in the first place. It was hate and impulse from a conflict that didn't concern him, that article was tainted with the exertion and grief of a small man who fed off his own anger. He didn't deserve this, fuck did he ever get what he deserved? Did anyone? Maybe it wasn't for him, the impulse that spiralled through me...it was for everyone and everything I hurt, that this war between me and David broke and destroyed. It had to end, all of it. 

_Dear David, I get the last word in, adios forever you fucked cretin. Yours, forever and never, Rue x_

I shut David's diary, the black book of actual hell and ran out of the pub, at 3am, pissed, cold...but not high. At for once in my life, I actually felt like I was running towards something instead of away. 

ᵃ **_ᶠᵉʷ ᵈʳᵘⁿᵏᵉⁿ ᵗᵘʳⁿˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ ʰᵒᵘˢᵉˢ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ..._**  
  
  
  
  


"You've got a lot of nerve coming here lass" The woman who opened the door, and I pressumed must be the Mrs said, gesturing to me with a ladle.

I shifted on my feet akwardly "Erm don't suppose your Alex is in?" I asked, my words struggling to string together under the confrontation. Her gaze darkened. _This is why I never liked meeting the paretns._

"How dare you...you... get the fuck away from him, why can't you just leave him alone? Haven't you done enough?" She asked, the pain in her voice apparent, the remains of my heart breaking just a little further. 

"Look, I don't want to be a bother-" I tried, unable to even look at her in the eyes. 

"Leave, now before you hurt him even more" She said, "Fuck off, or the next headline you and my son will feature in will be 'Mother of rockstar murders pathetic little shit of a journalist'" _Dignified and well deserved._

"Enough Mam...it's alright" Al appeared like a ghost, fading, barely there. His eyes were dark and tired, almost invisible compared to the dark shadows beneath them, the only colour being the faint red that crept on the surface of his eyes. His mum tried to protest but gave in, giving me a dark glare before disppearing. 

Al's gaze didn't even mine, as if he was trying to stop himself from falling back, like I was a curse of some form. "Unfinished buisness?" He asked, his voice failing half way through, _you did this._

I tried to breathe, _just breathe, fucking breathe you deflatated balloon!_ But I couldn't because all air was him. "...I'm not expecting anything..." I began my voice shaking. " I just can't...can't...." I failed. 

"You sober?" He asked, not attempting to hide any concern in his tone, _he still cares, fuck._

"I'm not on drugs, just pissed" I said and he nodded softly. "...it's not true..." I began, barely a whisper. "...I never said the shit in the article...I know that doesn't make it any better..." 

"I don't know what's real and what's not anymore..." He said, sniffing "Please leave, I can't do this...please" I tried to hold onto my heart. 

  
"You weren't a game to me Al, for once, you're the only thing that felt real...you deserve the truth..." I said and he shook his head, beginning to shut the door and I held onto the doorframe. "I'll leave, I promise you Al, I won't stay to hurt you anymore, please, I'm not expecting anything of you..." I took out David's stupid diary "You don't have to read it...you can burn it if you like...it's the truth...all of it" 

He hesistated. "Why, why bother? I don't want anything to do with you anymore, please just leave it, what does this give...some form of confirmation. Can't you see you won, just leave" He said and I felt my heart clench.

"I didn't win anything all, I lost everything" I said quietly and he shook his head.

"I'm not your everything, no one ever can be anyway. You fucked with me Rue, tore me apart and now I'm just here, staring at an empty spot where you should be. Left to feel the empty place in my heart that I created and rebuilt for you..."his voice broke again. "Every night, I fall asleep, relieving every echo of your voice, every breath of your skin on mine. If I could, I'd erase you from my mind, I'd erase your presence from my heart too, because honestly you never deserved any place there to begin with" 

He breathed heavily, and I had feeling he didn't mean to confess all of that. I nodded softly. "I'm sorry...I know it means nothing, but I never lied to you...not about the way I felt. I've made mistakes, so many, put you weren't a mistake, now yes, the pain is killing me but I prefer it...all of the misery if it means you don't have to suffer anymore because of my mistakes..."

He shook his head "How am I supposed to believe anyrhing you say? How am I supposed to believe that this isn't just round two?" I wanted to brush away the tears on his cheeks, but I knew that wasn't allowed anymore. " please...for once Rue..."

"You can't..." I said softly, looking down to my feet, trying not to show the tears in my eyes. I placed the notebook on the doorstep. "...it's here, but only if you want it. Nothing I do from now on will make it any better...you should know...." _I'm going to stop him, get him back, David, some closure, you can watch him crumble._ "....I love you, more than I've ever loved before..." My heart was heavy, but yet still too weak.

Every little part of him that I had fallen for, scared me now, I had given so much of my heart to him...although not much to most, it was all I had, and he had given so much of his heart-but I destroyed us both in the end.

"And I can't anymore" He said, "Fuck...I don't want to anymore, I won't" I nodded softly, stepping back away from the book and it's decpetion, away from him and my deception. I didn't turn back as I walked those empty streets, alone.

In that moment everything broke.

The vibrant rays of the sunset that casted reflection of gold and scarlet across my surroundings, my face, it's colour darkening it's tone and failing in variation of shade.

  
The sun had left as quickly as he did, leaving my world without colour and heat, lacing his skin in a thick layer of ice and clouding my eyes with a dark lense.

  
The dark thunder clouds rolled in covering the last of the twilight sky, as if the blackness failed to come fast enough. The rolling grey rapidly became as invisible as the stars it concealed, but the air still felt humid.

  
The low sky imparts a claustrophobic tension and I couldn't find any energy to move away and allowed the drops of melted ice to mingle with the tears on my skin, like I was in a shitty teen film...even though it was just the English weather like it was every day.

  
I had never felt so alone...  
  
  
  
  
  


I opened the car door, sitting down carefully, refusing to look at the driver, not even when we began to drive. "I don't know why you called me...I mean I have me suspicions, but..." Michael trailed of. "If this some form of rebound thing again Rue-"

"It isn't, Michael..." I said facing him, letting him dry the tears from my eyes, leaning into his touch. He almost leaned in further, but thought better.

"I saw the article" He said carefully. "I don't believe shit that David says, but I know what's it's like to have your heart broken by you Rue...please tell me you didn't..."

"David lied, of course he did...but he wasn't far off. I'm not proud, but how I feel about it doesn't change what I did" I said and he nodded, looking back at the road before we crashed. 

He sighed carefully, hesistant. "Do you really love him?" He asked and he didn't even see me nod, he just felt it. "Then why Rue? Why are you just accepting this?"

"Because it's not my heartbreak to accept...I did this, he doesn't deserve that" I said and he sighed.

"So what now? Why'd you call me, what are we gonna do?" He asked and I small sense of satisfaction slipped through me, as I fiddled with the pocket knife in my hand.

"Say one last goodbye to David..." I said, and he grinned, before turning the rock music on the radio louder, for more of an affect I guess.

_Dear David, ready or not, I'm coming for you bitch._   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	34. We Are Subjected To The PowerPoint Of Doom

**THINGS FALL APART** but nothing breaks like a heart.   
⤷𝓶𝓲𝓵𝓮𝔂 𝓬𝔂𝓻𝓾𝓼

────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆────────

  
  
  
  
  


Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in in Sheffield City Centre with incredibly slow access to the internet.

"You know before this, I didn't think I was that old..." I said, standing up on a random chair and waving my phone around in desperation. "...but now, I feel like I should be in a retirement home, stupid phones"

"You'd think all the incriminating evidence of him would be...like in a fancy folder or documentary, not on an email that'll take hours to load" He sighed, I sat down next to him. "Why did we choose to meet up here, again?"

"Only place that's open...plus, got the best lighting apparently" I said and he gave me a confused look. "Aliya's a Marsh, we have a flair for the dramatic...." Silence enveloped us, and within it, he was unable to leave me ' _Nah...even if the world left us, we'll always find each other M_ " David's voice taunted me, _when I wanted him gone, when I was going to get rid of him, he was within me._

Michael's hand clasped around mine. "David doesn't deserve to be in your head...he's going to leave, we're going to get him" He said and I sighed, feeling my heart fall into my chest slowly. _'I still care for you'_  
 _'Everytime you feel you have to say that, you sound less convincing'_

"I spy with my little ey-" I began and he laughed quietly, nudging me.

"You still haven't told me..." He began and I gave him a quizical glance. "Why him?" _Why someone you under David's conditions...why do I always have to owe him everything?_

I sighed, the universe tilting with my gaze towards the night sky, encased behind the glass ceiling, only to look at. "Because he broke everything I knew" I said "He wasn't just a moment...he was infinity"

"But he didn't last forever" He noted. A small smile slipped through, not on my lips but my heart.

"He does" I said. _Forever isn't for everyone, but whatever moments we had, did._

_Dear David-_

"AT FIRST THERE WAS DARKNESS...AND THEN GOD, LOREEN, SAID LET THERE BE ABSOLUTE FUCKING CHAOS!" Jordan declared as he appeared with a torch and a smoke machine, that he must've found at Poundland. I stopped questioning things a long time ago.

Me and Michael both began to clap and he gave us a small bow. "I get being a little late to make an awesome entrace, but did it really take an hour to get the smoke machine?" I asked and he gave me a small smirk.

"Nah...I know we're like the most cunning team in the world, I figured we'd need some help" He said, and out through the roots of the smoke machine, emerged a few figured. _Oh shit._ "We have our own avengers team now"

"I think I'll never be able to see again" Matt said as he choked a little on the smoke, his eyes slightly red as Nick laughed next to him before coughing himself.

"Well at least if this kills us, I'll never have to hear Cookeh singing again" Nick said and Jamie hit his shoulder.

"Fuck you, I'm officially writing you out of me will that I wrote on the way here" Jamie said, "Dick O'Malley now formally inherits playdough and me nan's dildo"

"So generous" Nick teased and Jamie hit him again.

"Why?" I asked Jordan and he just shrugged. "Wait, why would you lot even agree to this, I kinda fucked over your bestfriend"

"Oh don't worry, we still hate you for it" Miles said, a little quieter than usual, because of the smoke machine, which was a shame. "But we want back at the midget as well, and I really had nothing better to do"

"Fair" I muttered, I looked over to Kierra awkwardly. "Look...you should know I really didn't want- I'm sorry for threatening you, I know it doesn't make much difference but I did it because, I'm really shitty person and I was using everyone else as an excuse to protect myself. And I know whatever I do now won't change anything, but it's gonna stop it from carrying on"

She nodded "I know who you are, maybe not who you were or who you will be. But I know that the choice you made, didn't come from anything other than fear, I may not have made the same decision as you but I know a little bit about being scared all the time. What you had against me was my own mistakes, ones I'm trying to fix, I hurt them, you hurt them more but what we both did was fucked and we don't really deserve anything other than what we lost for it"

I offered out her hand and she held it, before wrapping her arms around me. "What you did was so fucked but I want to see that entire company of yours in the ground" She whispered in my ear.

"That makes too of us" I said, letting her go. "Alright mon petit pois, this is how it's gonna work, we have an email filled with the very shit that's gonna fuck our entire media company to the ground, the Mail Exposé if you like, I've left David a voicemail, so when he arrives. we-"

"Kill him?" Dan suggested, earning a high five from Jordan.

"No!" I said "We're destroying everything's he's ever known"

"Wait! Wait, wait, hold everything, I'm here, I'm fucking here" Aliya said, running as best as she could in heels. "I didn't want to miss anything" She began to open the files in the computer, and sorting out the projecter quicker than I ever could.

"Ok, whatever we're going eith now I love it" I said and she grinned, her new style this time was a sparkly red dress with red heels. "Kind like 20s Jazz singers, fancy, mysterious...the Fairy Godmother from Shrek 2, A Need A Hero Scene"

"Oh for fucks sake" She groaned, earning a few laughs. She stood up as the powerpoint loaded.

Aliya and Jordan stood next to each other, on seperate end of the screen. "Ok, here's the deal..." Aliya said and Jamie changed the slide to a purple background with the words THE DEAL, with a small picture of a confused turtle beneath it.

"David Smith, try finding a whiter name, is to put it gently, a dick" She said changing the slide to a yellow background, with a giant aubergine emoji covering David's face. "He has a sort of civil war with Rue, where they fuck up each ot their lives.

"But behold the evil secrets and revealations that is bound to blow your minds" Jordan said walking around and waving his arms in a weird way in an attempt to create mystery or anticipation, neither of which were successful.

The slide changed to a picture of shocked cat and the words BEHOLD. Aliya gestured at Ben to change the slide again, to another picture of a dog and the words ANTICIPATE. They kept flicking through the several more slides of similar synoyms such as WAIT FOR IT, and ALMOST THERE until they went over to find the slide they were looking for.

"Sorry I got carried away" Aliya mumbled and Jordan rolled his eyes.

"Drum roll please" Jordan said and for some reason we complied, I guess we didn't have anything better to do. "Volià" He added a picture of David, and another women next to him appeared and a Will Smith next to her, doing that gesture thing with his arms.

"Here name is Elizabeth Brand, actress that was Strictly couple years back" Aliya said, "The only one insane enough to ever love David"

"Or did she?" Jordan said and Aliya groaned.

"I was supposed to say that!"She said and Jordan rolled his eyes.

"No, you were going to explain why" He said.

"No you were"

"The crippling time pressure" Nick reminded them and they scowled at each other. I stood up, sitting on the table infront of the powerpoint.

"If there's summat that me and that muppet have in common, it's when we fall deep...we tend to say too much, we struggle to keep secrets. David was completely infatuated with her, told her alot of the shit we've done in the past, very illegal, immoral shit to do with public data. It got too much for her and she did summat that was unheard of for us: the right thing. She was gonna leak it all, fuck our company and several others. So, our paper, along several others, harrass her, troll her, threaten, blackmail her, until weeks later she goes missing and found dead by canal" I said and Matt whistled. "One night David tells me everything, and like all of the secrets we ever told each other... just moved to the back of my mind. None of us ever believed it was a suicide"

_We are who we are for a reason._

There was a long silence. "What's it with you lot and death? Is that what having a job is like?" Matt asked.

"Basically" Dan said with a shrug.

"So what are we gonna do? What we even doing here?" Nick asked. "Whatever you're planning? Will we get home in time for corrie?"

"That's what I'd like to know" A voice said and I turned around slowly, my heart breaking with every step that I took.

"Al" Matt said surprised. "Erm...we're just planning your birthday party, how did you find out?"

"You think you could all just disappear at 6pm and miss Corrie, and I wouldn't notice?" He asked, looking between us. "Well you were right, I didn't notice. I came here to buy christmas presents. What are you lot up to?" He looked unsettled, by the concept of anyone in this room leaving him for me, red brush strokes pinching deep beneath his eyes.

He gaze met mine, but then slipped away, taking my heart and all the air left in the world with him. "Am I ruining your fun?"   
_Don't speak, it's a trap._

He was this reoccuring dream that haunted me the past few nights, where I was displaced, unable to feel the world, but I saw everything, it all happen moments before it happened, a figure standing on the edge of a building, and I'd run, too close, too soon, they fall, everything falls.

"We're revolting against a multi-million media company by blackmailing David" Jamie said in a bored tone.

Al scoffed, his eyes finally meeting mine. "I thought you would've at least taken summat from that? What good will come of you doing what he did? You'll just be as bad as him" _I already am, already him_.

"No one's leaking anything" I said, but I didn't seem to convince either of us.

"I agree" The devil's voice echoed through the room, and just like that, David re-apeared like a fucking magic trick no one wanted to see. He lifted his arm and pointed a small gun at me. _You've got to be fucking me, no really, this was getting ridiculous, if you pitched my life to a film company they would reject it because it's too unrealistic._

There was a small scream from Aliya, the sound of chairs and tables being pushed as people backed away from him. "David...what the f-fuck are you doing?" I asked, keeping my hands firmly in my pockets, even Jordan had put his hands in the air. "Where did you even get that?"

"Grandfather's old hunting rifle" He said, in a confident tone but his hand trembled all the same. "I'm not letting you leak that infomation Rue" He laughed nervously.

"Fucked up, the lot of you" Matt said shaking his head. "This is more unrealistic than an episode of EastEnders"

David's eyes darkened as I took a small step forward. "You're not gonna shoot anyone David, you're not gonna shoot me" I said firmly, my voice shaking just a little.

"I wouldn't sound so certain, you're gonna fuck everything over. My Dad will kill me and you anyway" David said, advancing closer and we all took a step back as he did.

"David, listen to me...you're not thinking-" I began.

"SHUT UP!" He shouted, the barrel of the gun only a few inches away from my face. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU DUMB BITCH!"

I swallowed heavily, the loud shouts and screams of protest within the room as his finger rested on the trigger, diltuted for a moment, the only sound thundering through my ear drums being the senseless beating of my heart. "This isn't you, you'd never..." I hesistated "You'd never hurt me, at least...you never used to, not intentially"

He laughed, "Used to? You really want to bring up the past, huh M? You're really gonna do that?" He laughed, waving the barrel a little in my face. "What we were back then died...just like you're gonna" The barrel rested on my forehead.

"You loved me once" I said and he scoffed, I heard Nick swearing behind me and Al drop something "You were my bestfriend David, I loved you more than anyone else in this world, you promised to protect me, not hurt me" My voice cracked and his dark, broken gaze drowned in mine.

"Past tense" David emphasised "Until you betrayed me and fucked me over, because that's what you do, I didn't get you to do anything to Turner what you haven't done before"

Miles cleared his throat. "Look, I know this is a really intense moment, but, I think I speak for everyone, when I ask : _**What is going on and can you please fill us in?**_ Thank you" He said.

"We've known each other since we were like eight, I cared for you more than I did for anyone else" I said and he gave me a bored glance. "It didn't matter how much money our parents had back then, it worked. You used to be the person I could trust the most. Then we grew up, you spent more time with your father, an internship with his paper, we barely saw each other, and when we did, we fought about who's fault it was" I explained, a pressure of mental on my forehead, beginning to become apparent.

"You betrayed me" He said, "You vandelized my company and set my office on fire"

"That's because you didn't talk to me for weeks...and then you grassed me up to the police...I spent two years in young offenders for theft and drugs because of you, remember David?" I asked, my voice trembling.

"I wanted to get you away from that place Rue, we were only sixteen and you were fucking your life up with drugs and petty crime...I snitched on your friends, I didn't think they'd take you down with them" He said quietly, his words tripping over themselves. "Yeah I regretted it, why'd you think I put you through university and hired you here? It was all too much for me to handle. Even though you left me for that kind of life I pulled you out"

"This kind of life David is still fucked, we lie and we hurt people. I left you because you were becoming more like them, like this. I know what I did was wrong David, I was angry at you, for becoming like them, I was upset because I was losing you and I took it out on you" I said, taking my hands out of my pockets slowly. "It doesn't have to be like this...David, we can do the right thing for once and nuke all those shit papers-"

"You only care about doing the right thing now I'm threatening to kill you" He said with a scowl and I shook my head.

"What if we were to die?" I repeated the words that connected our past and his gazed softened, just a little. "This isn't how it ends, you were never suppose to kill me. We've broken so many people because of our conflict, we never got anything out of it, you never got anything out of the paper. What's gonna happen after this, you kill me and save the company? Then what, your Dad can continue to tell you how much you disappoint him? You're many fucked up things David, but you're not your father..."

I lifted my trembling hand slowly, wrapping my hand around his that held the gun. "This is only for you, all for you. I'll have nothing without the paper, what about everyone elses jobs? You'll just leave me, again, with the mess you made" His voice cracked and the tears in his eyes reflected my own.

"I'm not going anywhere, where would I go? Whatever we do now, no matter how much we regret it, it isn't gonna change anything" I said, his fear, my own, his doubt, my own, his gaze, mine. "We don't have to be like this anymore, we can change the way we do things, if we leak this infomation, we'll have to rebrand to move away from it. We can do some actual journalism, instead harassing people and lying all the time. I'm not leaving, I'm not doing it without you. I hate what you've become but I'm no better."

He bit his tongue, "We'll lose everything" He said, his grip tighting around the handle od the gun.

"What do we have left?" I asked, trying to hold back a sniffle, as my left nostril was running like a hamster on tredmil.

"An alpacca" Jordan added.

"We have an alpacca, law suits with every article and the emotional stabiltity of a hroseshoe crab on rollerskates" I said, his hand reached for my cheek and brushed the tears away. "Why are we fighting for it? Why are we fighting each other for it? This isn't about revenge anymore, or running away from our problems..." My gaze met Al's across the room.

I stopped in my tracks, facing him, my eyes dipping into the dark pools of his...skimming the surface intially as always, but always diving straight in, letting them flood me, drown me. "Why do we keeping recreating the past when it hurts us so much?"

The gun between us, began to fade as he lowered his arm. He bit his lip, before nodding quickly as he crumbled completly, dropping the gun, and falling into me, I quiclly wrapped my arms arlund him and held him close.

"Wasn't expecting that" I heard Miles say, Jordan kicking the gun to the otherside of the room for good measure.

"Mental the lot of you" Matt shook his head. "Are we just gonna forget about...ok, I guess we are"

"And you lot say I'm a bad friend" Nick said, seemingly uneffected by the near death experience.

"You spoiled Fight Club for me" Jamie said and I heard Nick laugh.

We pulled away, but my hand stayed around the back of his neck. "I'm sorry..." Was all I could whisper and he nodded, still looking at the ground. Whatever it took, for him to look back up at me, to part his lips and say anything back, it was too much, for anything to let him continue.

Because when he began. "I'm s-" A loud bang ripped through the air, my heart pounded out of my chest and my breath fell through the air in heavy spurts. David fell to the ground stiffly and drenched in his blood, my hand covered my mouth as I bit past scream, the remains of his head flooded the floor. _Well shit._

I looked up slowly, my vision blurred but yet, the dark figure of none other than David's Dad, holding the gun that Jordan had kicked across the room. There was no air, it had all died, and in that moment, nothing to breathe from. "W-Why....the fuck?" Jordan managed to gasp, his hand reaching for mine before he stepped closer to me. "You killed him! You actually...are you insane, oh my, I'm gonna...be sick, you mental..."

I just stared at him unable to look away, "Company comes first" He said with a small smirk. "And besides, nothing valuable was lost"

I shook my head. "Not for you, not until now" I said, taking my phone out of my pocket and forwarding the email to Good Morning Britain...because they were the first name on the list.

"You whore" He said, as he pointed thr gun at me, _because yes, that was the problem, not his murdering tendancies._ There was a moment when I realized that was the last thing I was going to hear, when he raised the gun at me, planning the same fate as David.

"This isn't getting a bit repetitive don't you think?" Jamie said and Al laughed at him, the bigot rolled his eyes as he advanced closer.

"I'm going to fucking kill you, both of you, everyone of you little cunts, little shits who ruined everything" He shouted aggresively, walking towards us, causing to quickly walk backward until I hit the edge of a table with my back, to be honest, will all of the shock, it didn't hurt as much as you'd think.

"You little-" Suddenly his body crumpled and he screamed in pain, following to the floor. There, stood behind him, resting a cricket bat on his shoulder was none other than Dan.

"Dan fucking hell, you're the only god in my life" Jordan said, and he quickly ran up to hug him. Being the only one really, who was able to move.

By the time the torious supremous was able to stand up again, some police officers had already arrived, because turns out the Smiths were so bad at this bad guy shit, that they didn't even check for phones and Nick had called the police like twenty minutes prior. "Right, Thomas Smith, you're under arrest for first degree murder, harassment, fraud, and many more things that I couldn't fit on me hand" Sly, the police officer who I swear had it out for me said, checking his hand that was covered in ink, before he handcuffed him.

David's dead body remained fixed to my eyeline as a group of paramedics, began to cover. "Rue..." Al said, bringing me out of my trance. I turned to him. "You ok?" He asked, and I couldn't even think of an answer. "Don’t look at me like that…" He whispered, "Please"

"Like what? Al, I know I promised no more lies, that was the last thing I promise. Nothing else, no more revelations, no more deception-" I tried and he closed his eyes as he cut me off.

"I can’t, not anymore…" He said softly, his voice cracking ever so slightly. "Whatever happens between us…it doesn’t, it can’t change anything, I don’t know what’s real anymore, and I don’t think I can when I’m around you, it’s too much. We’ve got too much shit, and whatever happens between us, that doesn’t change how fucked we both are…I don’t want us to hurt each other…I don’t want to hurt myself like this anymore. And after everything, I don’t want to hurt you, fuck, even after everything"

"You deserve the truth, I mean, for me to tell you it all, instead of you finding out like this…I’ve lied so much to you...” I began and he sighed heavily placing his hands in his pockets.

"I don’t want the truth, the truth may let me fall back for you again" He said "We destroy everything together, neither of us deserve that, this isn’t good for us…everything gets fucked, just look at what happened tonight"

 _Oh fuck, he was right, of course he was right._ "Promise me you’ll take care, ok?" I asked and he nodded softly. "I never wanted this to happen, I wanted to tell you everything but you should know…I don’t regret anything"

He hesitated once more. "Take care, don’t go around breaking hearts, you don’t have to anymore"

Sly cleared his throat from behind me, and we both turned around. "Well, I can't believe we're actually doing this, you're full of surprises. I'm sorry about David, I mean, I hated him but still..." He said and I nodded softly. "But here goes" He sighed "Rue Marsh you're under arrest for theft, harassment, violation of national security and second degree murder"

He gave me an apologetic look, but my mind was away from me, as he placed the handcuffs around my wrist, I didn't even have the energy to make an inappropriate joke. "Wait, what?" Al asked.

"Are you having a laff?" Matt asked, attracting the attention of everyone else in the room.

"You can't do that" Jamie said, followed by a series of protests.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jordan asked me, but my eyes, my mind, everything was still connected to Al.

"Turns out there was a way out of this, if I stopped protecting myself and used you lot as an excuse" I said. "I'm not running from me mistakes anymore, I just can't be doing with all this anymore.."

"Touching" Sly said "But we're busy, so we best get going" I gave Jordan a quick nod, before letting myself leave the building with the Sly as he repeated bad puns tge ebtire time.

As my cheek rested against the cold window of the police car, I found myself back where I was two months ago, on the way to Sheffield, to scheme, to lie, to unwillingly cheat on my boyfriend. All because I could never let the thought pass, to fathom the idea that I didn't have to do it, I could've just admit what I did and leave Jordan and Aliya out of it, easily, but that would involve me taking the responsibility for it all. And to be honest, would someone like me ever do that?

So, sitting next to the darkest scum in the world, I let a few tears escape, they'd fall down my cheek and interwhine with the raindrops on the window, dancing downwards into a suffocating spiral, a wirlwind of broken daydreams. They fell for the man I lost, the man I never deserved.

They fell for David as well, who he once was, never what he became. They fell for my sister, and her pain that I stole as my own, in order to feel something, to give myself excuse for being so apathetic to the world.

They'd fall and drift into the condensation, and again only within midnight, steal the light from the sun and begin to draw stories on the fog that rests on windows One of loss, of euphoria, of mutiny and infatuation.

Because it is always dark when the moon kisses the stars


	35. In Which The Protagonist Almost Misses The Ending To Her Own Story

**HAPPY CHRISTMAS** your arse  
i pray God it's our last  
⤷𝓚𝓲𝓻𝓼𝓽𝔂 𝓜𝓪𝓬𝓒𝓸𝓵𝓵 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓟𝓸𝓰𝓾𝓮𝓼

────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆────────

T W O Y E A R S L A T E R  
  


  
"I'm planning...a shite christmassssssss, not LiKe tHe OnEs I uSeD tO kNoW" The mind of a thirteen year old school boy inside a twenty-one year old's body sang, he hadn't even drank half a bottle of wine, prison seemed to turn my younger brother into a sensible drinker...horrifying. "Or even better, Last Christmas I gave you my-"

I liked to the think my the look I gave my younger brother there was as powerful as a character introduction in a Bollywood soap drama, with every single PowerPoint transition used at one after the other. "Don't let the tree fall...Tom, both hands" I said and he rolled his eyes as he moved the tree with Aliya.

"I'm not gonna-" He took both hands of the tree to make a dramatic hand gesture, the tree falling, crushing Aliya and knocking over a table with candles on it that set it on fire. One of the security guards quickly grabbed the fire extinguisher, accidently hitting my brother in the head, knocking him to the ground.

I covered my face with my hand, trying to hide my laughter. "I think that sums up Christmas pretty nicely. Nice one lads" I gave them a sarcastic salute. "We're starting in like five minutes, just hide it in the lobby, with all the other things we've broke. Terry, if you're gonna eat all of the mince pies, at least do it quickly before anyone finds out...because then, you're on your own"

Terry nodded, giving me a small smile. "You're the boss" He said with a mouth full of mince pies. _And I was yet to abuse my power_ _._

"Alright, it's time to go, go, you are not being late" Kierra said, dragging me away from the literal fire. "If you are, the only tears that will be there during your emotional speech will be from you when I'm hitting you on the head repeatedly with a stick"

I didn't even have enough time to give her a sarcastic but appreciative comment before she pushed me onto the 'stage' which was in reality, a small platform we had made out of empty beer crates and crashmats. "Erm...hello, everyone" I said, into the microphone which squeaked with feedback. "Sorry...bare with us, we have volunteers from primary school helping us with the tech tonight" Michael flipped me off from the pit.

"Ok, why isn't this working" I muttered to myself as I scrutinized the microphone, until I found a sticker that read: _'Made In Britain'_ "Right, that explains it"

I tapped the the top of the microphone until sound began to creep through the speakers at a volume that wasn't going to break any windows. "Ok, well, erm sorry about that...erm hello everyone, thanks for all coming down here and sacrificing any sort of remaining Christmas spirit you had left in you in the traffic jam on the way here, it has been noted and well received, specifically by meself and the 250 quid I'll acquire from You've Been Framed after I send them the video of James Acaster pushing past and drowning in a mob of carol singers to get here in time before getting hit by a car" I said causing a few laughs in the room, with a small applause for James Acaster who took a bow.

"So from tonight's proceedings alone, I'm actually pleased to announce that we've raised, Twenty-Five Mil, or if you will, the full sum of costs from every Christmas so far" I said "It's much appreciated really, me and the mysterious helicopter that will appear in home shortly, greatly appreciate it" I added, earning a few laughs, but a concerned look from Kierra.

"In all seriousness, a huge thanks to Sofía, without her we all wouldn't be here, and this project wouldn't exist, so thank you so much for helping us set up this foundation, and preventing it demolishing within the first fire we had. Erm, in advance, if I haven't thanked you tonight it's because they cut it out" I added, receiving another chorus of laughs. "So, if you're being told to pack it in for the night and take taxi home, take one last drink and say it's for Sofía, for me brother Tom, for me sister, Aliya, to Jordan and Dan, and I guess for...David, we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him, somehow"

I looked down to the drink in my hand, hesitant. "This would've been summat he would've liked, many years back. But for the present, it's a move forward, a small step towards an visionary symbol of some better society. And with that, the buffet is open and...I'll leave with less dignity than I came here with" Applause followed me as I quickly returned back to the center of the chaos, which was stopping a very drunk Santa from beating up one of the elves.

"Did you already drink the whisky under the tree? "I asked the angry man in the Santa costume and he tries to protest. "You're not supposed to do that till Christmas eve...and I suppose you ate the biscuits as well?"

"Erm...no that was me" An awkward voice informed me. Santa quickly backed away and I turned around slowly, and there dressed like a thunderstorm on a clear night that both dazzled and dizzied me, was Al.

"Alexander..." I said, my own voice surprising me slightly, that those words I was sighing outline was a) escaping my lips coherently, and b) actually occurring outside my daydreams. I picked the words that followed carefully. "What...errrr....is this real?"

A faint laugh left, more like an extended sigh. "Think so...in every dream I ever had, that was only really the only place I was ever able to find you...so er, I'm not too sure meself"

I nodded, unable to draw my eyes away from him, "Are you here...to make a donation?" I asked my words stumbling over each other. _Brilliant, really._

"Oh...erm, sure" He mumbled awkwardly, struggling to find his wallet in his pocket, accidently dropping his keys and a few coins. I helped him pick them up, it seemed to take a little longer than typically acclaimed for him to take them in hands from me. He cleared his throat as he opened his cheque book. "So, err, what's it all for?"

"Ulterior motives, my own indoor trampoline" I said and a small smirk slipped based his lips but he easily pulled it back. "No, it's summat we set up with Sofía, justice and support victims of sexual abuse, focused largely in black communities"

"That's...actually amazing" He said, looking back down the floor and then to me. He thought for a moment, hesitant. "I'm sorry about David...I'm not really if I'm perfectly honest, but at the same time, I know he did mean summat good once, and that if it wasn't for him..."

"Everything would look very different now" I finished and he nodded. "Part of me wonders if the reason he left the company under my name, for me to inherit, was because he thought I wouldn't dress it up like his father did, that I would use it to project the world as an unedited film, I would use it to help people. But _he knew_ I was no good, but I know I tried" _I also knew he would probably hate all this, turning profits into good pay for employees and charity funds._

He nodded softly and I looked around me awkwardly. "So, you've been up to o'wt?" I asked.

"Er, well I did some music with Miles for a while so that kept me busy, hiding in sheet music as usual" He laughed nervously and I tried not to wince. "Took so time for meself for a while...after, everything..." I nodded. He hesistated. "You erm, never called..."

"I-I...I didn't think you'd want me too, and besides, what would I even say?" I asked. "Other than...nothing's really changed"

He raised his eyebrow. "I don't think you and I are the same people who met within harsh whispers of planned shadows blended into the dark" He said, and I struggled to meet his eyes. "...you're not..." He sighed "I don't think you're the same person who once set fire to notebooks and ran from the mess it would make"

I gave him a small smile, but hid it under my hair. "You..." I thought for a moment "You're not the same either, you look different, you look erm...older" I said awkwardly and he laughed a little, his laugh kissing my blood with an wishful ink, I engraved himself with his name. _Fuck, I missed that laugh._

"It's the hair isn't it?" He asked, running his fingers through his longer hair, that kind of made him look like a Disney Prince, but still like David Bowie.

"I like it" I said, my cheeks burning brighter than the Christmas tree fire as I did so. "Erm...well...I mean..." He gave me a shy smile.

"You also...look, different" He mumbled, struggling under his blush. "Erm...look, I wasn't gonna mention this, but last time I saw you...well, I didn't think, I'd be seeing you ever again, or anyone would. What happened?"

I sighed heavily, my gaze burning under his as it dropped to the floor. "Sofía..." I muttered "She's an angel, heard about it, did everything she could...and well I didn't. I didn't want to, I pleaded guilty, because I was. I've been trying to follow this idea of doing the right thing, and I thought it was and still do. She got me a reduced sentence, so I finished bout the same time as my brother. It was, very shitty. But, to be fair I thought was all a bit ironic, the fact that I had spent my entire life hiding from it, the ending I deserved, but after all, just stopping for a moment and taking it all in, to feel the pain and nothing, to remind myself it was all real, and what I did, was real and everything after was too"

"I'm sorry..." He began and I shook my head. "I'm not sure if I believe we ever get what we deserve, but for what it's worth...I don't regret it, anything"

There was nothing, nothing I could think of, there it all stood, waiting, like stars on a cloudy night. "I waited for you" I said quietly, somewhere in the evening, I wasn't as lost as I thought. "Every night"

He took a steady breath, looking back to the floor and then up to me. "I-I couldn't...I just, wasn't ready, wasn't able to bring meself back, to fall so soon" He said and I nodded. "I thought you'd try and find me"

"I was lost" Was all I could say, which was an odd way of saying, _'I was scared of your broken heart'._

The problem was, if I could have him this real in my dreams every night of my life. I'd have any life of my life fade and keep only the dreams. Reality is a such a beautiful pain.

And then, just like anything, music set us apart. "Oh fuck, me mam's put on the Jona Lewie Christmas song" I said, putting my glass of Bailey's down. I walked over to her. "Mam it's too depressing"

My Mam laughed as she walked over to me "Right, because we're gonna do a Christmas without thinking about the war huh?" She asked, laughing to herself once more. "Who's the mafia boss?" She asked in Swahili, just in case it was someone she did know and had forgotten.

"An old _friend_ " I reassured her, even in Swahili it didn't stop the word puncturing my stomach. Self harm. "This is Alexander Mam, Alex this is me Mam" I switched back to English.

Alex gave her an awkward nod, offering out his hand. She studied him for a moment and then her eyes widened "Oh so this is Alexander...the one who your bother says you're in-"

"Yes mam" I cut off quickly and she grinned.

"You weren't having a laff, his eyes really do-"

"Mam, Aliya's drinking all the Bailey's without you" I said and her smile dropped before she quickly ran after my younger sister, I smiled a little to myself as she did so.

I looked back to Alex who recomposed himself, pretending he wasn't faffing around with the Christmas tree and had caused a bauble fell to the floor. "Erm..." He cleared his throat. "I got you summat, for Christmas" He said, looking through the Tesco bag in his hand, almost dropping it.

He held out a badly wrapped gift, and my hand may have stayed on it with his a little longer than his. "...Ta...but, you shouldn't have" I said and he shrugged. My fingers trembled as I began to tear the red and blue 'Happy Birthday' wrapping paper, it slipped from my hand and fell to the floor.

We both lowered ourselves to pick it up, and below whatever grief that pinned us both down that night, it opened my hand out, for him to hold, disguised for the gift instead. I lifted myself slowly, our hands still tied the gift like someone fucked the stage directions in a play. He coughed awkwardly and averted his gaze from me. "So, where's Jordan hiding?"

"Oh..." I mumbled "He's on his honeymoon"

"His what?" He asked, his voice cracking into a laugh "He got married? I'm not sure why I'm surprised to be honest, still baffles me when people start actually settling down"

"No...he got married to claim benefits to go on holiday. He went with Dan...yeah, that happened" I said, laughing along with him "Have you never done that before?"

"No" He said, "Not yet at least, I tried to fall again, but I didn't really want to...what about you, have you been..."

"Not since I were like eighteen" I said, shifting between my feet, uncomfortably. "And no, not really, I haven't exactly...not properly, don't think I ever could, not like I once did"

He nodded softly, looking like he was about to say something but thought better of it, he looked back at the parcel in my hand and on cue, the tips of my fingers began to curl beneath the wrapping paper, my nails scrapping across the dark cover of David's diary. I looked back up to him, his gaze opening the night with the light in his pupil tangled in the stars and tethered to wonder.

"I-I don't need it anymore" He said and my hand carassed the leather notebook like watering a dead bouquet.

I nodded, _'heavy is the head you hold'._ My teeth scratched the surface of my lips as I tried to think of something, anything to say. "I look for you in everything" I said quietly "You're everywhere and nowhere and I just want...." I stopped, clearing my throat, _not again, don't do this again._ "I'm sorry for wasting your time, for wasting your heart"

His lips fell into a frown, and he seemed a little disappointed, but then a little frustrated at himself, for what I didn't know. It took him a while to form his words "I'm sorry for any inconvience I may have caused" He said, before taking a few steps backwards, turning around and leaving the room, taking his tragic art with him, because all the light in this world, fade so fast and it doesn't come bacl.

I was hopeful, which was a little odd perhaps, but still made perfect sense. I suppose it was something to jold on to, to want all along, to wait forever. "Well as I haven't had nearly enough screentime in your life...let me fullfill your token mama role and give you some elderly advice...as I am so old apparently and have nothing better to do than give advice to my children, two of which went to prison so my advice can't be that profound, but here goes"

"Mam, it's life not film" I said and she rolled her eyes, taking a bite into het mince pie

"Yeah sure, if you really believed that baby, you wouldn't have such a dramatic and sarcastic inner monlouge, why waste energy if no one's gonna here it?" She asked and I titled my head, confused. "What's the point of loving him so much if he'll never know?"

I shook my head. "Because, it's not my decision. If he's moved on, he doesn't have to feel the pain I made anymore. Maybe I'll wait forever, and if I do, how could I ever know things would be like it was once, if all we had rests on a few moments we had two years ago..."

"You really gonna be trying to explain moral to me lass? You? How would he ever know you were just letting him be and come to you, how would he ever know you still care about him? All he knows is he came here, to close a chapter in his life perhaps, and that you won't fight for him" She said and I shook my head.

"I don't want to pressure or expect anything from him, after everything I've done-" She cut me off.

"How could he ever come to terms with anything he feels towards you, whether it be hate, anger or fondness, if he doesn't know you fancy him mad, and you'd have him within or outside a dream, inside another dream. Rue, we're not here for long, you've not even been here for long and you've already fallen like there's n'owt left for you. I know I could never give you much, I know I gave up on your Dad, and even your brother when he doesn't put the kettle on. But we are only here for a few moments, compared to the rest of the universe, before we fade into dust and nothing. So if all you had were moments, and there isn't many moments left in the world, why would you ever want to fall without knowing if your souls could collide again?"

She gave me a small pat on the shoulder. "I'll like to thank the academy" She said before going over to dance to the Wham's Last Christmas.

I sighed, looking back down at David's fucked diary, letting my fingers flick through the pages, watching the everything I ever felt, ever wished a few years ago, sink through me, like I was watching a it all play out like film, and I was standing infront of the projector unable to switch the reels. Until I reached the end of the book, my fingers traced the scribbles he wrote until it engraved into my soul.

_you weren't a mistake, you were my favourite feeling_.

_-Al x_

Whatever had kept my heart beating until now faded, and a sense of sunlight filtered in through his words, the shadows of suffering no longer being able to keep it's arm around me. He came, he left. Nothing else has changed. Yet nothing will be the same. All that remained was dreammaking and flickers of rememberance. But now, it didn't matter, because the only difference between dream and reality was him.

He was a daydream that swept away into reality, and this time I was running towards something, him instead of away. I quickly picked up the coat he gave me for my birthday, all those years ago and ran out into the snow, like the end of some cheesy Christmas film, all I needed now was a red or green Christmas jumper for the film poster.

I ran up the hill of the car park, which, took considerably longer than it should've...I'll be better in the new year, promise. "Al" I called after him and waved at him franticly, as I saw a figure next to the bus stop...whoch wasn't him and I had to awkwardly remove myself from that situation and not scare anymore pensioners.

I tried not to slip on ice as I ran across the street, this time I knew it was Al as he was leaning against I tree infront of the park, undoubtly bitching to Matt. "Al" I called after him again, but he didn't hear me, _he must've really been deep in the rant._

Within some strange impulse, I chased up the hill ad jumped him, really meaning to make him jump but ending up knocking us both to the ground. "Oh...I'm...sorry" I said inbetween laughs and he laughed a little as well, brushed away the snow that laced my eyes. I difted off him, finding my way to my feet and brushing off the snow on my coat.

He raosed his eyebrow, and I cleared my throat, looking around me for a moment. _Oh just say it you dramatic hoe!._ "You're not gonna disappear...yet, not until I've said what I've had to say" I said firmly and he looked a bit taken back. "Sorry, that's a bit aggressive...but, I'm completely and utterly infatuated with you Alexander David Turner...yes I Googled your middle name, I can't believe you never told me"

I took another deep breath "Nothing ever shifted away from that night I told you, I still love you, and I think I always will. I'm helplessly infatuated with you...deep and lost in love with every part, every whisper, every breath that is Alex Turner, A disaster to crash into my life...everything that I ever needed to breathe was you. I can never ask you to forgive me or even forget what I did, but I know everything we once had behing within lies...but if there is any truth in this world, it lies when I'm with you"

His eyes pooled in mind and there was a heartbeat between us before he stepped forward and kissed me then and there, cupping my face was his frozen hands. But I didn't care, our souls collided within that kiss, and everything crashed and burned around us...perfect. "Every minute, moment, every beat of my heart is winded with you. I see you, I feel you and all the stars fade away, every fear, every thought within me and the rest of the world give way to you...I'm so fucking in love with you" Hw whispered in my ear.

And in response, I couldn't do much other than keep him close, "I'll never forget, every moment we had a few years ago...but through time, I don't want to hold onto it anymore. All the words your wrote down broke the past like no other...I don't want to spend my life in pain, I don't want to waste time chasing anything that's not going to be you. I want to just be like this...with you, forever, because forever only ever means summat with you in it" He said, and I kissed him once more, my lips numb with the rest of me, but an overwhealming semse of warmth through the fire between us.

"I'll srill hate meself for it, but what's done, is done...and we'll only ever have what's ahead now..." I said and he nodded enthusatically, kissing me again. "I think we're going to die of hyperthermia first" I added and he laughed, he wrapped his arms around me, which in surprise caused me to stumbled to the ground and take him with me.

The laughter between us, began to fade, along with the last breaths of the moonlight, and just before the night completely disappeared, we were drifted together in a vintage snapshot of the past, different but the same, older and younger, pushing away the past but holding onto the pain that brough us here.

Deep beneath the cold night, away from our associations to society, the addict, the rockstar, the slut, shy, gay, sociopath, weak, black, stoned, dead. Instead we were able to lay on the surface of the snow that melted on our cheeks, and I was left in wonder of Al's smile, his happiness that radiated onto me.

In that moment, nothing mattered and I realized that nothing ever meant anything, nothing was ever worth losing your mind over. Because whether you knew who you loved, whether you believe in Allah or Jesus, in evolution or parrallel universes from Doctor Who, there is only one thing that we know and we'll always know for sure...  
  


Time is now and it's very much real.


	36. EPILOUGE-𝖎𝖙'𝖘 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖇𝖊𝖌𝖎𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖔𝖋 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖊𝖓𝖉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**NOTHING IS WRONG** , I just slip away and I am gone  
⤷𝓫𝓵𝓾𝓻

────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆────────

T O O M U C H T I M E L A T E R T H A T I C A N ' T C O U N T A N Y M O R E.   
(i gave up after five)

  
The sky was a mottled watercolour of blues and pinks that gave way to the orange and yellow simmer's across the sunset in that moment that fused to the midsummer breeze. Thin wisps of ghosts cascade from the last breath of inferno that clasped onto the end of Alex Turner's cigarrette, stretched up to meet the clouds across the horizon, cupping the sun before it falls into the darkness of the night.

The faint shadows of two figures were difted together, displaced only a few heartbeats away from thee rest of the world. The embrace around Rue was warm and comforting, just like the light that was fading away with the day.

"Forget my shit lying skills, your dancing is way more suspicous, they'll drag us away" Alex teased as the two of them tried their best to blend in with the other dancing figures. Rue stuck her tongue out at him, as she was spun around.

" _My_ terrible dancing?" She asked and he smirked. "Alright Grandad, we'll take this Strictly, and besides I'm not sure that's what makes us stick out" She gestured to the people around them, all of whom had been victims of a plot concieved on a bus journey a year ago by Jordan and Rue to say the wedding was infact a costume party, so they looked like the only two kids who couldn't be arsed to put an effort in for World Book Day.

"Really? All this time I thought you were dressed up..." He began "As the a goodess, the woman of my dreams" He added quickly and she cringed, laughing.

"Nice try" She said and she held onto his hands as the two of them spun each other around.

"Right, we have space, can we please try that thing again?" Al asked and she thought for a moment, becore grinning and nodding. "Right everyone move yourselves"

"Please clear some space" She added, the two of their hands colliding and interwhining again. Rue tried not to laugh as she squeezed his hands, beginnging to run around with him until she was going fast enough that her feet left the floor. She didn't get very high, only a little until both of them broke to the floor in a depth of laughter followed by an applause.

It hadn't been perfect, sometimes it was difficult, and either of them could admit that. There had been times where voices were raised and times when voices had been soft and seductive, whispers full of love and passion. And every moment that was and every moment that ever will be Alex Turner, branded and drowned Rue's heart, in ways that the ocean never could.

_A wonder_ , that's what the fall had been, what it all had run to. A small paper boat floating through everything, even though it had been through the harshest of storms, with the thunder of relapses and empty promises, the lightning strikes of anger of an addict, someone who maybe would never fully recover, but was trying their best. 

But it was still swimming, slowly, Rue had nearly drowned a few times and each time, Alex would let her find her own way back to shore, standing by her side each time. _A wonder_ within her, lost in a wonderous place

Time was drawing to a close, ticking clocks that ran alongside their intergrated heartbeat, but they didn't care, as no matter what, no matter how many times Alex would crumble into his mind or Rue would struggle with the fight to stay clean, they didn't depend on each other and they never ran from each other. They only ran away with each other.

Al was the adventure, the consitant love that Rue craved nefore thier souls collided on that wistful autumn...the wanderlust that slipped beneath her, within her. Better than any book she'd read, because she now knew that fictive characters were deprived from the small, seeminlgy insignificant wonders of reality.

If this was some sitcom, or maybe if Rue was a voice over in a teen show, she would probably use a strange metophoric paragraph to describe the years that went by, with a message of hope and how beautiful life really was, probably over a few screen caps of the happy ending everyone in her life got, or even in the form of a book or pictures. 

It wasn't, but since she thought every week should end like that, it happened anyway. With the stress of the increased media attention brought about by the David incident and through her own remorse, Kierra retired from her role as manager and took a long holiday in the Isle of Wight before getting incredibly bored of pottery and moving back to England, writing a book of all the tea involved with the bands she managed, and then somehow endes up presenting the music and shopping channel on ITV. 

Nick O'Malley retired reining champion of whatever bet war he had with Rue, resulting in him recieving a DIY Nick monopoloy board in his honour, at Christmas and claiming the band needed a break for him to retire from his achievements, to Surrey for a few years with his girlfriend. Rumour had it he started an annonymous bass youtube channel to see what he could get away with, having a base battle with Davie 504 not sold seperately. 

Due to personal reasons involving losing a hostile game of Uno, Matt Helders initally barred all of his bandmates and their respected peers from attending his wedding the previous year. This was lifted about an hour later with a champagne supernova and one of the only stag dos ever to result in a police chase, theme park highjacking and an attempted thievery of sheep, which is still being investigated by central intelligence. If only the universe had given them some sort of sign that the marriage wouldn't last long.

The one good thing that champagne supernova resulted in was the spontanous café Matt had no recolation of opening, or putting it under the name of his daughter, who owns all rights to it. 

Jamie Cook eventually abandonned his project to seemgly do every hobby or activity in the world, and with it his only student, Rue, and settled down with his wife and kids. He would disappear for months on end, and drop the odd text when he'd come up with the strangest name for their next album, most were rejected names for his baby. ' _No Jamie we can't call him Deathblade on the ferry'._ Katie had explained more than once. It would take about five years until one idea had finally convinced Alex he was able of writing another Arctic Monkeys album again, a concern derived from the fact his heartache wasn't around anymore. 

"This isn't the cha-cha slide...not yet anyway" Rue said laughing at Alex's dancing once more. He grinned, "Everybody clap your hands, slide to the left" She said between laughter. 

But then all jokes gave in when Shakira Hips Don't Lie soaked itself with extsinguishing ligh and chaotic energy drifted through them and everyone around them to start cheering "Oh baby when you talk like that you make a woman go mad, so be wise and keep on reading the signs of my boddyy" They both sang, to content to care about the amount of disruptions to the biodiversity they caused. Rue's arms whirled around his neck and she giggled as she brushed his fringe out of his eyes. "I'm on tonight  
You know my hips don't lie and I'm starting to feel it's right" 

Running an established media company alongside his bestfriend, (they finally admitted they were more than work collegues) meant Jorden Mckay could write as mamy opinion pieces of Love Island as he wanted, non of which got published, but it was the thought that counted. It wasn't long until Jordan's charisma had got him a Good Morning Britian, and then Strictly and then Bake Off. Somehow Jordan became a typic English icon, doing the usual like featuring on 8 out of 10 cats and hosting Have I Got News For You, without actually being a celebrity until he some how became one.

He retired shortly after his single that he wrote on the tube as a joke a few year prior 'It's flour in my bag mum' topped the UK charts and he now owns his own talk show, evolved mainly around makimg fun of media headlines. The second season had to end production quickly after he decoded that this was the year and month that he decided to change the wedding date spontaously, not even telling Dan before he got on a plane to Greece. 

"Huh, turns out neither of us win at the distraction game" Al noted, gesturing to where a crash site behind them had occured , a result of an attempted back flip by a very pissed Dan, who had hit a guests table, starting a small fire. _Oh so the tables turn, so the turns table._ "Operation Knock Off Greggs is ago...let's go, go, go" 

Rue let her hand fall into his, as always and ever more, everlong. Choas spread through them room like a wildfire, spiralling out of control, they I away from the dancing silouettes, and towards the buffet table. Rue grabbed the bowl of mini sausage rolls and quickly ran away from the scene, laughing like a maniac. "I'm going to fucking kill you two" Jordan shouted after them as the ran away from him, placing his hands on his hips and shaking his head in diapproval. 

They ran, ran away from all the chaos and didn't stop running, running from the anixety. Hiding on the beach, with toes in the sand, by the time Al had finally caught up with Rue, they were displaced from the waves, he wrapped his arms around her and picled up, attempting to steal the food off her, she squealed with laughter as the too of them crashed to the ground. 

As for Al, his kept hold of the past enough to not forget it, but didn't stay there, for once in his life, he was moving forward. Without the fixation he was unsure if his songs will ever embrace nostalgia, instead possibly the uncertain future instead. The euphoria within him was constant, it was dim at times but never fade or ever disappear, not with her, never with her. He began building something, through the pieces he collected for his broken heart in the mists of every moment he drifted through, the lust, the ecstasy, the infatuation, every last moment was a perfect mess.

  
Rue didn't finish with much for herself, still a lot more than she ever wanted or ever thought she'd get. See thing this, falling through your life at a such a speed where you can't clasp or claw at anything to stop, you have no time or opportunity to look around or think about what's happening to you, to breathe or know if any of it's real or not. She'd end it all with knownledge that she didn't let everything, this life, the world get it's way with her, taking away people, her spirit, her breath. Everything no longer followed something exterior, it was steered by her, and the decisions she made. It was only real, if she would let it be. 

The paper did good for once, under her name she made sure it helped rather than damage, no more, no more people could suffer through what she did, the way everyone did back at home, the pain other people went through and she never did. It would take a while, but it was movement in the right direction, to drift away from the pain she used to let wash over her. The charities, the exposure, the resement to conform to the lies of the elite got her in a lot of trouble with the establishment, but gave a voice, protection to it's victims. With her insight of poverty and workplace exploitation she would spend the next couple of years working to dilute it. With Al, she no longer ran from it, she'd try to stop it. 

"Mission failed...but at least we can go back for the fireworks" Al said, with a grin as his arms made themselves comfortable around Rue's waist bringing her closer, matching perfectly with her arms that rested around his neck, the music from the distance loud enough for them. 

"There's also the cake" She noted and he agreed, his smile glistening. Yeah, it was alright. 

Although the music hadn't slowed down it distorted around them as they began to stop moving, a focus drawn to the shadows. 

Rue's hand brushed his cheek and it rested beneath his eyes, which were bright and liquid warm, sprinkled with light brown specks and light shadows of the party lights in the distance. 

"Don't look at me like that..." He teased and Rue tried not to laugh. "Like you've ran away from everything for me" 

"But I did, and I would again...for you, everything" Rue said before kissing him, Al stumbled back slightly, falling straight into the sea in shock. Rue laughed, offering to help him up, but obviously, being himself, he pulled her in with him. 

As soon as Al pushed himself to the surface, Rue wrapped her arms around his neck, sealing her lips against his to stop him from splashing any water at her, because she just knew he would. They sank under the water, dissolving under the moon and stars, beneath each other's lips.

  
His grip was always firm on her, whether it drifted through her hair, under her shirt or around her waist, like he was always searching for her, feeling his way back to her in the darkness. Rue couldn't feel much under the cold water but she could feel him and her heart burning beneath her chest as it drowned in a passion that ignites.

For her entire life, Rue was scared of losing her breath, and when she did, she would drown. Whenever she focused too hard on the way she breathed...she didn't. But now, beneath the surface of air, held captive away from oxygen, she felt safe in her own head, own body. The world fell away against his lips and she was breathing, alive in her own world with him.

  
When they broke the surface, Rue let go of him, because she knew she could. Because this time, for the first time, she knew if she let go, he'll still be there and she would never loose him. 

  
Because this was real, this lust interwhined with chaos and mystery was real and nothing could hide it or tell them any different. Deception was a terryfying and dangerous thing, but it can't slip last the deciever, not love, not infatuation, not him.

And that was the one weakness that broke away the fine art of decpetion.   
  



End file.
